Well, we are drawing on a close on week 3 of training for my new job. I have been away from home for the majority of the three weeks. I can’t say that it’s been fun and exciting, but I can say I have heard so many stories of people, where they came from, their hardships and trials, and why they are where they are today. I have also made some lifelong friends. Many know about my book, but most don’t know that I currently am living with cancer in my neck. It’s been a little bit of a struggle to maintain composure, but generally since the atmosphere is high stress, it has been a great distraction. Which brings me to my next point, going home. I found out my cancer returned one week before coming here and have not really been able to completely process the information. Now, going home is bittersweet because now, I have to go back to dealing with my recent diagnosis. It’s reality. Am I mad, sad, dumbfounded? Of course, all of the above and now I have to deal with it. I don’t feel I have the strength for a fourth time but I know God is there and I know I have to. What saddens me is that I feel my smile fading. Hope is now a little more difficult for me but it’s all I have and I have to continue trusting God. I’m also sad about having to put my family and friends through all of this again, it’s such a roller coaster and I want off because I’m seriously getting motion sickness.
On a lighter note, I went on a lipstick trip with a few of the gals from here. It was great fun and they all loved the colors we picked together. I know I am here for a reason and for a purpose specific to me. I still love God and I believe I still have some fight in me, although at this point I may have to dig a little deeper. I am excited to see what lies ahead because truly, it has been an amazing adventure.
Today I wear Estee Lauder Pure Color lipgloss in Plum Divine simply because it’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
End of week two in training. It’s interesting what happens after two weeks in a high stress environment. Week one, everyone is on their game putting up a front, majorly competitive, and of course, trying to mark their territory. Now, after week two, everyone’ s tired, stressed, and just plain overly exhausted. It’s great because everyone’s walls are slowly being chipped away, people are FINALLY letting down their guard and the atmosphere has totally changed in the room. It has become much more comfortable and supportive.
It’s amazing once again what happens when people let their guard down and let other people ‘in’. Now, we are in this game together and now we are learning each others stories which is great. I love hearing about people’s backgrounds and experiences because it helps to explain why the way they are today (and that goes for the irritating people too). Ahh yes, another lesson. If people had no walls and were just themselves, I believe the world would be a better place. I’m not saying not to have a filter, but if we came into relationships with no expectations, not trying to mark our territory and look better than the other person, what would it be like? Maybe we should try it, I know I have been because it is such a waste of time and energy to keep up. For me at this point, again living with cancer, what you see is what you get. Transparency is a beautiful thing.
Today I wear CO Bigelow Sheer Liptint in Just Blushed. It has a sheer pink tint and tastes like peppermint. I chose it mainly for the name although I do love the consistency and color. Just blushed…because when you’re yourself, it’s easy to see your inner beautiful glow.
For the past week I have been in training for my new job. There are around 20 of us (complete strangers) in a single room for almost 10 hours a day. I also was assigned a roomate for the duration of training. We are all different ages, different stages of life, from different parts of the country with different backgrounds and different reasons as to why we took the job. I love observing people and behaviors. What I’m curious about is what drives people. Of course, we have the outspoken crew and the super competitive, the people who talk to be heard and the wallflowers. What I found out about me is that since having cancer, I have less tolerance for the people who believe they are above everyone else and that they’re opinion is somehow the only opinion that matters.
We are all people who are in this journey of life together. Why do we waste time making automatic judgements and acting superior? I really don’t get it but as The Green Lantern says from the movie “We’re only human.” It’s not worth the trouble trying to pretend to be something you’re not, because it doesn’t work and it’s exhausting. We ARE only human and we ALL have our flaws and insecurities, let’s praise what we are given and seriously enjoy every moment. Life is too short.
Today I wear Carmex lip balm because today I am just me.
This weekend my daughter will be in a musical production of Alice in Wonderland Jr. She plays a few different roles but one of her roles is a ‘Un-birthday’ girl. Of course I had to ask what that was. She said that everyone has one birthday and 364 un-birthdays. In Wonderland they celebrate un-birthdays and are going to have a big party. How great is that???? Why can’t we celebrate every single day? From my past post you may recall how much I love birthdays and how meaningful (especially having cancer), they are to me, but why can’t mine and your un-birthdays be just as meaningful?
You know this past week I found out my cancer is back for the fourth time. Well, I’m done crying. I have decided that I must live one day at a time and trust God. Right now, there are no decisions to be made. The doctors will watch and see if what was detected stays the same or grows over the next few months. From this point on I must celebrate every single day and live life to the fullest…every un-birthday! Think about it, why hold back a celebration of life? Each day is new and a chance to be blessed as well as to bless others. We don’t get do-overs (well, maybe some of you do) so move forward, press on, and don’t look back!
Today, I am wearing Dior Addict Ultra Gloss in Flash (sorry, limited color). It is a gorgeous hot pink lipgloss with a little bit of silver sparkle. To me it is the best color for today’s un-birthday, a little hot pink to celebrate life! Now, who wants the first piece of cake?
Some of you already know the results of my latest PET scan (my last blog entry), for those who don’t, yes, there was cancer detected. I found out last Friday afternoon and for the past few days I’ve been trying to process how I feel. I cried a lot mainly because my mind wanted to hear the words “All clear, see you next year.” Instead I heard, “There’s something there that’s not big enough to be detected by ultrasound so we will look again in 2-3 months to see if it’s grown.” This has been one long and difficult road but I think I’m done crying. I’m not angry, my heart is mostly sad; sad for my family (which by the way, my daughter and younger son were standing right next to me when I got the news and when I got off the phone my daughter said, “all clean right?” When I said “not exactly”, her face and demeanor changed immediately…sad); sad for my parents who also have been waiting for good news for almost four years now, just sad in general.
On the other hand, I am done crying because I am 100% confident that God has a plan that’s perfect for my family and me whether it’s the plan I want or not. I have to move forward in faith because that is the only sure thing. I am broken right now. I don’t feel courageous or strong so I’m thankful for all the support and prayers, but I know I’ll get that back. For now, I move forward on this journey that God has me on, confident that He will take care of me.
Today I wear Smashbox Photofinish Lipstick in Marvelous. On me, it is a beautiful sheer red. I wear it because life is a marvelous adventure, and of course red to continue living life boldly.