This morning I was driving an hour to my first appointment and I started feeling sorry for myself. The sun was out, I was off to work, my kids were being taken care of by my visiting in-laws today, and we had just come off a great weekend of visiting a themepark (always fun people watching at those places) and just overall relaxing. I got mad. I was mad because without the cancer, life is really great. I asked myself why I still had to be here, year after year, scan after scan, still showing cancer???? I was mad that my family and my friends had to go through this again and I hate being the downer of the group. The one who has to say, ‘yes, it’s still there,’ or ‘yup, got cancer again.’ I really want to be normal and worry about normal things like what I should wear tomorrow or if my shoes match. Is this my new normal? I guess it is, and I’m not happy about it. Being sick sucks. I don’t look sick, I don’t feel sick and yet some small cell in my body is trying to take over. I truly am ok with whatever may happen to me, I’m not ok with the fact that my family and friends have to worry about me again. I’m sad for them, I’m mad for them. I’m mad that my kids have to wonder how it’s all going to turn out, I’m mad that my parents, friends, and the rest of the family have to ask how I’m doing and be afraid of the answer.
I read a quote today, “Life challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”-Bernice Johnson Reagan (thanks Jennifer). Well, I thought I had me figured out the first, second, and third time, but now I’m getting a little confused. It’s that roller coaster again and today, yes, I’m mad about it. Sorry to vent, it’s frustrating. Is this challenge paralyzing me? Of course not and I continue discovering new aspects of myself. In fact, I hope I am becoming a better version of myself daily. We should all strive to do that, cancer or not.
Today I wore Sue Devitt lipstick in Australian Bight. On me it’s RED (I probably looked like a Geisha, oh well). I know it gave me the fighting spirit to forge ahead. In the next few weeks I will be seeing my radiation oncologist and getting another ultrasound to see if the tumor is growing so I am putting out a challenge.
I would like to put out a ‘RED LIPSTICK CHALLENGE’ for those of you who love life and have the fighting spirit. Wear red lipstick daily for three weeks and e-mail me how you felt and any stories you would like to share. With your permission, I will share a few anonymously. For the men reading my blog, carry something red in your car or pocket as a reminder to live life and e-mail me too. You can send all e-mails to email@example.com.
I can’t wait to read your stories! Here are some suggestions for reds: Bobbi Brown Burnt Red, Smashbox Marvelous, Lancome Merlot, Bare Escentuals Buxom gloss in Brandi, Covergirl Natureluxe Cabernet, Burt’s Bees Red Dahlia tinted lipbalm. Have fun!