I haven’t written in a while for a few reasons; partly because my emotions have been very up and down, partly because I can’t think of anything to write about because of said emotions, and partly because I’m tired of always talking about me. Today I thought I’d tackle kids and how they may feel about cancer by interviewing one of my kids, AJ. My kids were 5,7, and 10 when this cancer journey started for me. My oldest,AJ, is now 15 almost 16 and has grown into a fine young man. He is my most logical child so I wanted to hear how he feels and has felt about mom having cancer so far…
Me: You were only 10 when I got cancer the first time, what did you think?
AJ: I was only in fifth grade and I think I was angry.
AJ: Not really because I didn’t know what it really meant yet. I guess I might have been scared of the unknown.
Me: How did you feel when it came back the second and third time?
AJ: The second time I was more upset than angry, but the third time I thought it would be ok because I watched you fight and win the first two times.
Me: How do you think having a mom with cancer through your youth has changed you, or has it?
AJ: I don’t think it’s made me a more sensitive person, I guess I’m not sure. It was just a fact of life, I didn’t know any different, plus you acted as ‘normal’ as possible; still drove us places, came to our events…
Me: How did you feel during those times when I couldn’t talk?
AJ: Frustrated because I couldn’t understand anything you were trying to whisper.
Me: Has this made you closer to God, or more angry and farther?
AJ: Closer, because I prayed a lot and saw all the people who would bring food and pray for you and with you. Sometimes He was the only One I could talk to.
Me: So if my cancer is back, how are you feeling?
Ok, I have to say this is the first time I actually sat face to face with one of my children to discuss how they have felt through everything. Although AJ seemed indifferent and thought I was goofy for asking (he is a teenager), I was actually getting emotional and a little choked up. I may never know all the feelings they have or are feeling, but I do know that cancer has been part of their life for most of their youth. It’s sad to me but I understand that their feelings are directly tied to my actions. If I showed fear, I don’t think AJ would have been so confident the third time cancer came around. At the very least I know I have shown my kids how to handle adversity and life’s challenges with strength and hope, relying on God, family and friends. For now, that is enough.
Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Roseberry. I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks because they are not too glossy, not to dry, and have beautiful colors that work on almost every skin tone…really! Roseberry is a pinky rose color according to the descrition on Sephora, but on me, it is a great poppy red/pink that is great for spring and summer. It looks nothing like the picture on the web… much brighter and fun! Until next time!!