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Blah

13 Sep
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photo cred: Leanna Vite Photography

 

It’s been awhile since I last posted and like everything else, the less you do something the further away you get from it. So many things I’ve wanted to write about have entered my brain and have exited just as quickly before hitting the page. Since my last post my daughter left for college and I’ve been feeling a little off. It’s so strange but I have to say again, there’s something about a girl. She was my sit on the couch and watch America’s Got Talent girl, my shopping partner (even though neither of us likes to shop too much), my Barnes and Noble girl, my foodie/loved to eat out girl, etc. I’m adjusting and so is she. Something not talked about too often is the sibling(s) left behind. The day we dropped her off I asked my youngest son how he felt now that his two blood siblings are gone and he replied, ‘lonely’. Yes, he has the fairly new addition of 2 step sisters but he grew up most of his life with just the other two. So, just when you’re thinking they annoy each other and want to stay away from each other and this may be a welcome change in home atmosphere you realize maybe the opposite is true for the sibling left behind. Sigh.

I’ve taken quite a bit of time during my 3 week writing hiatus to process my thoughts and feelings after saying good bye to my daughter and the change in home dynamics. It’s been bittersweet. I’ve finally been able to finish a couple books that have really got me thinking and grappling with different things faith related that I will write about soon and I’ve been doing decent on my commitment to take 5-10 minutes sitting in silence and meditating; focusing on a bible verse or a positive empowering quote. I have to admit, 10 minutes of focusing and not letting my mind wander is HARD STUFF!! All this and unfortunately I still have cancer on my mind (and in my lungs). It’s so weird but as long as my cancer is stable I am just viewing it as a chronic disease for now and forging ahead with my days. I watched a great clip of an interview with Karen Walrond who is a Leadership Consultant. Every morning she asks herself 3 powerful questions: 1) ‘How can I feel connected today?’ Meaning what one action today can connect me better with a friend, my kids, my spouse, etc. 2) ‘How can I feel healthy during the day?’ Drink more water, go to the gym, say no to the potato chips, etc. and 3) ‘How can I feel purposeful today?‘ Read the bible, clean out the closet, read another chapter, write a blog, etc. Just one action you can take during your day to answer each question, super powerful. I’ve been trying this and honestly on the days I have done this exercise my attitude at the end of the day is so much better. Try it and maybe write down your answers and look at them several times that day as a reminder.

I guess I’ve been feeling kinda blah since my daughter left. Yes I miss her but I think it has more to do with the changes and pace of life. My youngest will have his drivers license soon and when that happens I know I’ll see him less. Is it strange to already miss him before he’s actually gone? Bonus: the sun is always behind the clouds pushing it’s way through and img_1949because I’m a person of faith I know the Son is always there carrying me through. In my melancholy state earlier I ran through a list in my head everything I miss whether it be from cancer or just the normal progression of life; I miss all my kids being under one roof, I miss having younger kids who didn’t talk back, I miss singing-a lot right now (for a long time it was my passion and how I was most comfortable expressing myself but cancer took away function in a vocal cord), I miss playing the piano well (hard to do with a left hand I can barely feel because of nerve damage from radiation and surgery), I miss being able to do physical activity without trouble breathing, I miss the blind optimism of living forever (although still optimistic I have lots of time left, cancer just took away the forever part in the previous phrase), I miss eating whatever I want and not gaining weight, sometimes I miss silence yet sometimes I miss chaos. Told you it’s a weird time for me. I know I’m blessed. I have an amazing family and loving husband, awesome friends, I’m generally healthy, I have a great job, and a dream that is closing in on becoming reality…but sometimes…just trying to stay real here. Thanks for journeying with me 🙂

Today I wear Bite Beauty Amuse Bouche Lipstick in Chai which is a Mauve Brown. These lipsticks are soft and moisturizing. I chose this color because it’s a great color for fall and I because I also love chai tea lattes and it’s called Chai. Cheers!

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4 Responses to “Blah”

  1. Cheryl September 14, 2018 at 5:01 pm #

    Anna! I can relate to everything you’re saying except for the cancer. I will continue to pray for your health. My oldest, Faith, (as you know from my AXO post) also left home. I cried and cried off and on for a week. I cried the year before she left at times just thinking about it. She is the sunshine in my house. Everyone wanted to be around her. She is an angel. Our home dynamics have changed too. I still have 2 at home, Alec, 16 and Sophia, 12. Alec misses her but doesn’t say so. He hangs out in his room more and seems angry. Sophia, who has shared a room with her since she was born doesn’t talk about it much. She’s doing great and I know she enjoys having her own room and decorating it the way she wants tp- her sister didn’t let her do that much. Faith was her “little mom “ as I called her. Sophia has only cried once and I know she’s holding in her feelings while possibly secretly happy to be able to grow up into a teen while not having to compete with her well rounded sister. It’s a feeling of loss that’s hard to describe because they aren’t really gone, they just aren’t in your life every day. I’m trying to kick this depression because I have so many things to be thankful for. I am sorry you can’t sing and play the piano properly with your new left hand. I hate that you have cancer and have had to fight for so long. I wish I had some outlet like music. You are a strong woman, you have come so far with a healthy fight on your cancer. You are an inspiration to many. Sending hugs to you, sister. Why do they have to grow up and then leave? I’m happy they are spreading their wings, it’s just hard. LYLAS.

    Cheryl

    • Anna September 14, 2018 at 5:24 pm #

      Oh Cheryl, strange huh? Big hugs back at you. Glad your daughter found her new sisters ❤️❤️LITB

  2. Grace Farr September 15, 2018 at 9:31 am #

    Bless you, my friend…another letting go. So hard. Sometimes I think that’s wh.at life is about. Great daily questions you shared that I’ll use – thanks. Maybe there’ll be more time for YOU. Coffee or cocktail sometime soon? <3<3

    • Anna September 15, 2018 at 3:35 pm #

      Love the questions, just helps focus the day. Yes to coffee and cocktails 🙂

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