If you read my last blog you know I had the flu almost exactly a month ago and when the fever went away after 8 days, my voice slowly went away with it. I thought it was from the excessive coughing and it still could be but I lost my voice for about 10 days before it SLOWLY squeaked its way back. A week ago, so 3 weeks post flu, it was sounding almost normal for a couple days. In fact, I had breakfast with my mom and she said she could hardly notice my voice had been struggling. Quickly after that, a little bit of cough came back, and my voice was trying to leave me again. I saw my laryngologist this past week and after scoping my vocal cords, he did not see any permanent damage from the coughing (thank goodness) So what is going on? This leads to today, it’s been another few days of a raspy voice that comes out only by pushing but still not clear, comes and goes. I’m doing the vocal exercises given to me by my speech pathologist every hour and only speaking when necessary. Vocal rest when I can.
Back when my laryngeal nerve was cut during surgery permanently paralyzing my right vocal cord all I thought about was the cancer, which at first had a bad prognosis. My kids were young (5,7,10), and yes, I grieved the loss of my singing voice but my focus was being alive to watch my kids grow up. As time progressed we made adjustments in the house, everything and everyone including the kids got more quiet. Everyone whispered to me, the television was rarely on and if it was, the volume was kept low, as if reducing the noise would bring my voice back. Mind you, I couldn’t even whisper and this lasted almost 6 months. Today, I’m going on 3 weeks with little voice, no voice, voice decently back, and now, strained voice…all from the flu virus? Kids are all grown and out of the house, but it’s quiet again. Unlike before when I felt confident and hopeful and singularly focused on surviving, today I’m nervous, frustrated, and questioning why of all the things, my voice is teasing me and keeping me in a place of apprehension. Now I’m leaning in, trusting God with His plan and not my plan (I wrote about this exact thing back in 2010?). As Kate Bowler said in a recent Lenten devotional, ‘not confidence, not clarity, not spiritual sparkle, but need.’
Here’s what I’ve learned in these ‘silent’ or quiet days:
*The world is noisy. When I got the flu I felt terrible; fever, headache, body-ache, etc. which meant very minimal time on the phone, couldn’t read or do any type of screentime including television, social media, phone calls. Then as I started to recover without my voice, my husband lowered the volume, would have to look at me to try to read my lips and interpret what I was saying-and it’s still kind of like that. I’ve also had to minimize time looking at a computer. Did I mention when I had the flu I passed out on the bathroom tile and hit my head? So yeah, staring at a laptop or even a book would give me a headache and make me a little dizzy. Quiet took some time to get used to but a break from the noise and overstimulation of screens and social media? AMAZING, you should try it. It gave me chance to actually listen and process MY OWN thoughts without the influence of well, the 1000+ people I follow on Instagram.
*The voice is powerful. This was already obvious to me from my past experience of losing my voice but now, with my voice coming and going and my push for vocal rest, I’m intentional about when I speak and the words I need to say. Answering questions? of course. But saying things just to take up space or fill gaps of silence? I don’t have that luxury right now. Just like the noise mentioned earlier, sometimes people have too many words from needing to take up space; from insecurity, from lack of noise, to be seen? I know as I’ve gotten older and maybe even from menopause, I can’t keep my mouth shut so I overshare or over-defend myself at times. This was/is a nice reminder to be intentional about my words and keep most of the ‘filler’ out.
*Rest is an act of resistance and renewal. I read that somewhere, can’t remember where but I totally get it. We live in a noisy world but we’re also busy. I think sometimes we feel the need to fill all the minutes of our days to be a relevant and significant part of society. It’s a sad statement that we have to get sick to remind our bodies that rest is good. When I read that quote I understood the renewal but resistance? Yes, resistance to society’s push to be busy and to find your worth in the things that you do, even if the doing drives you to caffeine in the morning, a glass (or 2) of wine at night and ultimately exhaustion.
I hate that I’m struggling with my voice. It brings back memories of my past with no voice, and of the cancer that took a vocal cord in the first place. I’m feeling all the feelings I had; not being able to talk on the phone, make and cancel appointments, go through a drive thru, can’t say thank you or hello, say ‘I love you.’ I have to remind myself I’m not there. I still have a voice, it’s just weak and raspy. It makes me sad and nervous that I’m still struggling, but I’ll be patient trusting it’ll fully be back soon. I recently watched a short film (18 min) on Netflix called The Singers which was an Oscar winner this year. I HIGHLY recommend it. I won’t spoil it but it’s about connection and community by surprise through the power of the voice. I cried. Please watch.
‘True abundance is not just the good stuff. We get it all. Every drop, every dreg-the good, the terrible, the ‘who even knows?’. Daily life proves to be a bit too much. It’s too frantic, too full, too bruising for our tender hearts. It contains more beauty, more delight, more awe, and more eccentricity than we can possibly hold, but we’re willing to strain our arms and hearts trying…This is the abundant life. We get it all.’~Shannan Martin
I decided to go back to where this blog started and share today’s lipstick. Today I wear Fenty Beauty Gloss Bomb Stix High Shine Gloss Stick in Riri which is a cool rose mauve. On the web it looks like a deep plum mauve color but on me it’s more a medium/lighter rosy mauve. The formula is highly moisturizing and smooth and is a cross between a lipstick and lip balm. I really like it! I wear it because it feels good but also it’s a beautiful spring color and reminds me of hope. Cheers!
Anna's Lipstick Journey 
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