What are your gifts, passions, and talents? I believe everyone has something they’re really good at whether it’s cooking, socializing, hospitality, a sport, etc. At the very least you have something you LOVE to do whether you’re good at it or not.
I used to sing. I LOVED to sing. Singing for me used to be like breathing (both of which are now difficult for me since cancer). Growing up, I had plenty of opportunities to sing. It was my special gift, my passion, and because I’m a melancholy introvert, it was how I expressed myself and my emotion I could be who I wanted to be. I could bare my soul through song better than through words, and dare I say, I was pretty good. I sang on a TV show, radio jingles, weddings, sporting events, and even auditioned for a Broadway musical, and made the final cut to play the lead. And then cancer. It was actually a change in my singing voice that told me something was wrong. My first surgery resulted in a paralyzed vocal cord and singing was done; in the blink of an eye, what I did so easily most of my life, and loved to do was gone.
I realized the other day while driving alone in the car, that over the past maybe 5-10 years, I had switched to only audiobooks and podcasts. That day, I switched my car bluetooth from podcast to Spotify and I got emotional. I missed music. I missed singing, and right there while I was humming along in the car, I felt the grief of that loss all over again. No, this was not the first time I’ve grieved about losing that part of me, but grief hits at weird times and can hurt just as deeply as when you first experienced the loss.
All this to say, ever since cancer took a vocal fold, I’ve tried to kind of ignore that singing part of me but there has been one event that reminds me that although my old voice is gone, what I do have left is a miracle. I have been part of a concert event that one of my doctors puts on annually in honor of World Voice Day. I think I’ve been part of it every year since maybe 2009 (minus pandemic shutdown and last year when I was out of town). I rarely tell people about it because I am no longer confident about my voice, and I am nervous and breathy and always wonder if I’ll pull it off. It’s emotional and overwhelming every single time, and I know it’s not perfect, but I still do it. All those in the concert have a story about some adversity with their voice and what a miracle it is to have it back (thanks to an expert medical team). I feel the grief of losing the one talent I thought I was blessed with, but also the gratitude of still being alive. Every year, as difficult as it is, I get to sing and while I do it, remember all that I’ve been through to still be able to get on that stage.
There were long stretches in my cancer walk that I completely lost my voice. Cancer hit my neck and took a vocal cord. Still now when I get sick it’s usually the first thing to go. If you still have full capacity of all 5 senses, consider it a blessing not to take for granted. The voice and the words you speak are powerful. If you still have yours, use it to tell people you love them, use it to stand up for what you believe in, use it to thank God you still have it, and use it to tell yourself that you are amazing no matter what.
(Catch the entire concert here: WVD)
Anna's Lipstick Journey 