Anna's Lipstick Journey

I am 51. How do you celebrate another year of life with cancer during a pandemic? By crying and being so grateful and overwhelmed with all the people and goodness you’re surrounded by. I’ve been busting out in tears alot lately; sometimes it’s being completely overwhelmed by this amazing life, and sometimes it’s sadness that comes with the burden of having cancer and wondering. Last night I cried because I really miss singing. It sounds dumb and it’s been so long since cancer surgery took my vocal cord, but sometimes grief over that loss bubbles up especially since my voice, music, and singing were such a big part of my life before cancer invaded my neck.

Last year, I was part of an event called Brushes With Cancer, an annual event held in different cities across the country by Twist Out Cancer. They match artists with cancer fighters/survivors as inspiration and the artists create something based on the cancer fighter’s story. A year ago I was matched with a professional singer and together we wrote a song. This year, I was able to attend the event (virtual because of Covid), and boy did I cry. Listening to all of the stories and seeing the art created from them was magical. I think the stories got to me because it reminded me that cancer affects so many people and their loved ones, and that I’m ‘part of the club’ that no one wants to be in. One piece of art that really affected me was a sculpture that a son created for his mother who is currently fighting cancer. It was a tangle of wood and steel with what looked like a wing at the top and in the middle sat a large stone. The metal represented strength and overarching peace and freedom while the stone represented the heavy burden of ‘cancer; strength and hope amidst the heaviness of cancer. ‘The Ascending’ which it was called, was beautiful and I felt it represented me too.

In 2011, The American Cancer Society had a “More Birthdays” campaign. That year, when I walked in Relay For Life, seeing the Happy Birthday signs broke me. I was overcome by tears after fighting and beating cancer three times and was so grateful to be able to celebrate more birthdays. Now, here we are, another diagnosis in 2017 and another birthday. Every birthday since given the Stage 4 diagnosis has been such a blessing and always a reminder to not waste the days. Today I’m 51. We’re in the middle of a pandemic so there is lots of anxiety and uncertainty in the world but here’s what I’m sure about: I’m alive and I’m surrounded by love, what else is there? Last year I posted a list of lessons I’ve learned and they still hold true so I thought I’d list them again:

•  You are stronger than you think
• Don’t fight your age
•  Stay connected with younger people, it keeps your mind active and there’s lots to learn from each other
•  Simple is better, there are so many things you don’t need; assess, trash, donate
•  There are still so many good people in this world
•  The Golden Rule is truth. If everyone treated people how they would want to be treated the world would be a better place.
•  Actions are more important than words; Words don’t matter if your actions don’t match
•  Bad things will happen
•  There’s no need to be around toxic people, they just poison you and it takes too long to recover
•  Everyone’s days are numbered, live like it
•  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, read the book (paraphrased from Dolly Parton)~because everyone comes from a really good story
•  Beauty and ugly both come from the inside, not what’s reflected in the mirror
•  There’s no ‘perfect time’ to follow your dreams, just dive right in
•  Loving God is different than being religious
•  Life is still filled with wonder just open your eyes

Lastly, always be grateful.

‘Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.’~Mark Twain

It has been a long time since I’ve written anything on this blog. Because of coronavirus and all of this time in quarantine, we’ve all been forced to sit and slow down and grapple with our thoughts (more than usual), at least that’s been true for me. I’ve personally felt incredibly busy and not busy at the same time; how can that be? Grief. Over the past few months I have spent quite a bit of time grieving. I am not talking about a debilitating state of grief, just a general sadness that has weaved through my days here and there. One of the best definitions I’ve found on grief is: ‘the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in familiar pattern of behavior.’ Umm, coronavirus quarantine in general is a change in familiar pattern of behavior.

Over the past few months, my oldest left for grad school in Florida, which is the farthest he’s been from home, ever. His college graduation didn’t feel real because it was online, but when I helped move him out of his college apartment then pack him up for grad school, that’s when it hit, a new phase of life for him..cue the mom tears. Then there was the release of my daughter and two step-daughters, sending them away to college, each one week apart; a junior, sophomore, and a freshman. My youngest is starting his senior year of high school but it was exactly one year ago this August that he had his stroke. Facebook filled my feed with memories from in and around that time. Seeing the pictures and re-reading the comments and narrative I wrote, was overwhelming and I could still feel every single emotion of my heart breaking. Gratefully he is doing amazing now. Kids grow up so fast and you’re never truly prepared to release them into adulthood and yes, it’s a grieving process every time one of them launches into the world on their own (or even when they get their drivers license and drive away alone for the first time). I know for sure you can’t hang on to them and hold them too tightly. We equip them the best we can and let them go to fly…hardest thing ever. Jen Hatmaker recently said, ‘We are raising the kids we have, not the kids we were. Let them zig where you might have zagged. Believe in their dreams. Believe in them.’

Then there’s cancer. I missed my March appointment because of Covid but was able to have my scans done in June. The cancer center was sad because at the time (and still), only the patient could go inside, no caregivers or support. The waiting room was half full of cancer patients alone. One elderly gentleman in particular had a panic attack when they told him his wife couldn’t join him for his appointment. He pleaded with the receptionist and said she was the only one who could understand what the doctor was saying and that she took all the notes. It was hard being around the ‘scared sick’ and I think if more people could be placed in those rooms for just a short amount of time with those people (the sick, the elderly, the afraid, the vulnerable) looking into their eyes, then wearing a mask would be a no brainer; not a political statement, not a fear based opinion, just plain love and empathy for others. Thankfully, the tumors that have taken residence in my lungs are still stable so cheers to another 6 months (until the next scan). Typically in the times leading up to a scan I have scanxiety and can think of nothing else. Now with the pandemic, the scan was just another thing I had to get done that day. So strange. Recently, Chadwick Boseman, most famous from starring in The Black Panther movie, passed away from colon cancer. That was devastating to me. It put a pit in my stomach and just made me sad for days. Grief back to the surface. Cancer sucks, this pandemic sucks.

I saw this question in an article I read recently: ‘How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the ‘new normal’ is indefinite uncertainty?’ While the rest of the world is trying to adjust to this indefinite uncertainty, I, a stable Stage 4 cancer fighter, have been living with this new normal for the past 3 years. Some days are awesome, some are ‘eh’, but all is well. Here are some tips for those of you who can’t think straight right now, from a girl that has lived in indefinite uncertainty for quite some time:

*wake up and smile (literally open your eyes and grin for 5 seconds~you’re alive)

*every few hours think of something you’re grateful for. Maybe just one thing at breakfast, lunch, and dinner then one more before bed.

*don’t be too hard on yourself

*Let yourself have a good cry every now and then because this new normal stinks

*be kind to others but more than that, be empathetic, put yourself in others’ shoes; everyone’s handling the situation differently and everyone’s grieving the loss of how life is/was ‘supposed to be’

*be aware and present each moment and let things go. All we have is today, right now, this moment. This is has been a hard one for me because I have teens/young adults and sometimes worry takes over. I am practicing letting them go to make and learn from their own mistakes while being thankful for today. Key word, practice

Pico Iyer says it this way, ‘The fact that nothing lasts is the reason why EVERYTHING matters.’

Nothing lasts, everything matters. You have this moment

The past few days have been hard. I’ve been trying to process all that has happened in America recently regarding race and it’s too much. When Covid started, it was Asians being blamed as being responsible, then the sickening killing of Ahmaud Arbery, Breona Taylor, the most recent horrific murder of George Floyd, so many more…and those are just what we’ve heard about. It’s been hard and disheartening for me because of my own experiences with racial discrimination and has brought to mind all the times I have felt ‘less than’ or ‘out of place’ over the years. My experiences are in NO WAY NEAR what black Americans deal with on a regular basis, and I’ve not felt the pain of injustice, but they are mine and they are stories of being yellow/brown, and not white, in America.

I was born in the Philippines and emigrated to the United States with my parents when I was two. With very little money, we first settled in downtown Detroit at an apartment complex right next to a car dealership. Both my parents worked because they literally left the Philippines with nothing and came to build a better life in America from scratch. I remember being dropped off at a childcare/preschool in Detroit and having 2 little girls tell me I couldn’t play with them because I was different, I wasn’t black like them. I must have only been 3 or 4 years old but some memories never leave you. When I was 9, we moved to a suburb which was pretty much all white, and that very first day of 4th grade, the little boy sitting next to me asked my other table mates, ‘Do you think she speaks English?’ I grew up thinking I didn’t belong to white America or to black America so when I was 14 and my parents took me back to the Philippines to visit, I did not want to come back. I felt like I finally belonged someplace where I didn’t have to try so hard to fit. My mom, in all her wisdom, simply told me to get involved. She said, ‘Join everything, participate in everything, get involved and really get to know people, and if in a year you feel the same way, you can go back to the Philippines and stay with your grandmother.’ It was a risk but living life takes risks.

I’m still here. I did what she said, opened myself up and got involved. Did I feel like I belonged? Somewhat. Did racial remarks and attitude stop in my life after 8th grade? Never. I’ve been called ‘chink’ more times than not and have been asked (still) ‘what are you?’ and ‘where are you from?’ so many times it’s laughable. I was in a sorority in college (the only Asian) and people would say they probably chose me because they needed a higher GPA… ha, I was the wrong chick for that. I was chosen to be a sorority rep for the Panhellenic council (group that promotes unity and cooperation amongst fraternities and sororities at a university) and walking into my first meeting, one of the fraternity boys pointed at the door and said, ‘Your group is meeting next door.’ Next door was where the black Panhel council was meeting. I could go on and on. Last March I was in LA for a meeting right when Covid struck. At the crowded LA airport I sat waiting for my friend to come out of the bathroom and as I found and sat in one of the only available seats in the terminal, the couple next to me whispered between each other, got up and moved; no other seats open so they stood against the wall instead (insert eye roll here). I wasn’t even coughing, which for me is always a risk since I’ve had cancer in my neck several times, heavy doses of radiation, and now cancer in my lungs. Which by the way, cancer does not choose a color.

How do we change? First and foremost, listen. Since George Floyd’s murder, there has been so much noise. Mostly from white Americans talking; wanting to make things better, ordering books, talk, talk, talk. It’s so great to have these conversations open up but it’s talk I’ve heard before. How and when does it change? Today is Black Out Tuesday and maybe that’s a good start. Stop talking, give space to listen; listen to stories of heartache, fear, how people live and think every single day. Second, enter into relationship. In college, I remember having a conversation with one of my closest friends. I told her of my insecurities about being Asian, some of the stereotypes involved, and how people viewed me differently. She stared back at me and said, ‘What? I don’t even see color, you’re just Anna.’ When I was engaged to my now ex-husband, we visited his dad to announce our engagement and he walked out of the room. After our first child was born he wouldn’t hold him for at least the first year. It wasn’t great, but he’s from a small town and had no experience with other races. I’m not saying he’s a racist, I’m saying he just didn’t know and when you don’t know you base your thoughts on what you’ve heard or seen on tv or popular opinion or whatever. Slowly over the years, after getting to know me and being open to enter into relationship with me, he listened, learned, softened his heart, and loved. So much so, that when I had cancer the third time and was going in for my third surgery, he surprised me by showing up at the hospital to pray and support me; he drove 200 miles by himself to be there without me asking or knowing he would come and was already sitting in the lobby when I came to check in. What changed? He was open enough to enter into relationship with me. I was just Anna.

Black lives matter. Black people have a long history of oppression and injustice . Being Asian, I don’t believe that I will ever see a knee on the neck of my sons, brother, uncle, dad. I don’t worry about my sons being stopped or pulled over because of their color. I don’t worry that they’ll be harassed or questioned walking down our street in a mostly white neighborhood. With all the worry and fear that comes with motherhood, I can’t imagine the added fear of raising black sons and daughters wondering how they will be treated and what injustice they will face growing up and for the rest of their lives. I heard the easy analogy of your house being on fire and the fire department coming to fight the fire. It would be like all your neighbors saying, ‘what about my house?’ when their homes are not on fire. Of course the other homes are important and they do matter, but yours is the only one burning to the ground. In the Bible,  Jesus tells the parable of the lost sheep. The story was paraphrased this way by Manny Arteaga, ‘There are 100 sheep but one goes missing. Jesus leaves the 99 to go after the one. ‘But what about us? Don’t we matter?’ Of course the 99 matter but they’re not the one in danger. The one is.’ Black lives matter.

I am not part of white America or black America but have felt accepted by both. I was taught to be kind, respectful, and to love everyone, but also to work hard and stay safe and therefore be a productive, but silent part of society. There is too much injustice and discord in the world to stay silent and fear builds on fear. I also still feel on occasion, the sting of racism targeted at me so I’m tired of always having the mindset to make sure I somehow fit in. We all need to do and be better. I’m married to a white man and I always feel like I have to dress better and look good when we are in public. Why? So people don’t question why he chose to marry an Asian woman, dumb but true and believe me, I’ve heard comments.

This is America. The reason why immigrants have flocked here is because of the freedoms and opportunities for them and their families. What makes America beautiful is that it’s the ‘great American melting pot’ where people of all races are welcomed, but it’s historical roots are steeped in anti-black actions and white privilege. I grew up hearing and reading the history about women given the right to vote, how after years of slavery, slaves were freed, how men and women fought in World Wars to maintain America’s freedom, and now, here we are, still. In a recent interview, former President Obama asked the question, ‘Can we see in each other a common HUMANITY, a shared DIGNITY, and recognize how our different experiences have shaped us?’ It takes courage. We are one American family. Michelle Obama says, ‘Race and racism is a reality that so many of us grow up to just deal with. But if we ever hope to move past it, it just can’t be on people of color to deal with it. IT’S UP TO ALL OF US- BLACK, WHITE, EVERYONE-NO MATTER HOW WELL-MEANING WE THINK WE MIGHT BE, TO DO THE HONEST, UNCOMFORTABLE WORK OF ROOTING IT OUT. It starts with self examination and listening to those whose lives are different from our own. It ends with justice, compassion, and empathy that manifests in our lives and on our streets.

I am not black, I am not white, and all I want to be is Anna. In response to the systemic racism and social injustice in our country against black people-I see you, I hear you, I stand alongside of you. By nature I am a peacemaker, so in a time when everything is loud, I’ll still be soft. Let’s also remember to be kind and not judge each other as we go through these growing pains. Everyone processes things differently and judgement will only bring more division. Give grace. There will always be lots of words but until we enter into relationships-TRUE, HARDCORE, VULNERABLE relationships, with people of other races, religions, colors, we will never know, understand, and love them. Enough talk. Listen, empathize, educate then enter into relationship and just do. ‘Love justice, do mercy, walk humbly with our God.’~ Micah 6:8