Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again. (English Rhyme, origin unknown)
This rhyme came to me the other day as I was thinking about where I am today and where I came from, strange I know. Why? Lots of reasons. How many times can you get hurt or ‘break’ before there are too many broken parts to repair? There’s a lot of talk about courage and strength with cancer and cancer recovery, but there’s another side. For as much strength it builds within you, I think there may be an equal amount of ‘weakness’ and vulnerability. The first time cancer came, I felt my pseudo-strong exterior crack a little; with the bad prognosis initially, the crack deepened. When cancer came back a second and third time, more cracks, with each scare in between either from something visible on PET scan, ultrasound, or abnormal blood work, crack, crack, crack. I have to admit that I went through a very dark period earlier this year when the news that instead of cancer coming back in my neck, it may have been in my breast (which is now on watch too). The cracks brought me deeper and I felt irreparable, my normal positive attitude and tough exterior left me.
But this can happen with more than cancer right? A relationship, a boss, a friend or acquaintance…words and actions can cause these cracks and breaks in your hard shell of an exterior and break your heart. I recently drove by a store called The Self Esteem Shop, no, really. I’m sure the store has many valuable resources, but can you buy self-esteem? I wish. Are you born with self esteem issues? Not that I know of. So where does that come from? Words and actions from others causing those cracks along the way with you believing them. So what does one do when you feel broken? You thank God for how he designed you and you surround yourself with people who love and believe in you because they are your ‘glue’. Am I the same as I was after constantly being ‘glued’ back together? Not really but I actually think I may be stronger (and weaker) than ever. My weak self lets me grieve the things cancer took away from me. My vulnerable self allows me to still let people in. The strength emerging from the cracks is overwhelming. I want to live life. If you’ve been broken, there’s always hope. God made you and loves you; and don’t forget that you also have the power of words and actions that can cause peace or pain…you decide.
“Words are like eggs dropped from great heights; you can no more call them back than ignore the mess they leave when they fall.” ― Jodi Picoult
Today I wear Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in F-Bomb…speaking of words…sorry. Urban Decay has not exactly been known for their lipstick, I have always loved their eyeliners, fun colors and they stay put. They just came out with these highly pigmented and super moisturizing lipsticks and they are pretty nice! I chose this color because it is a classic red (and partly for the name). It’s hard sometimes to find a creamy red vs. a red that dries out your lips. This one’s great! Cheers!
Anna's Lipstick Journey 
Well written… i can feel you.
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Great blog today, Anna, and so so true! We can never again be who we were. But, hopefully, we are more real and more truly who we were designed to be. Seems we’re never to old or worn to be “pushed out of the nest” to discover new wings. Love & prayers always, dear friend…
Thank you Grace and thanks for your prayers!
All too relatable, Anna. There are so many sides to our ‘selves’ and these cracks run through many of them for better and worse. Though I do hope their lines fade away in time. ~Catherine
Thanks Catherine! Praying the lines at least smooth out!
Anna. I just finished reading your book. I am not a reader but I couldn’t put it down. You are truly an amazing woman. To go through all you have and still maintain your strength in God and not question him amazes me. I have been feeling defeated myself lately with school and life but reading your book encourages me to keep going and trying regardless of the outcome. Putting God first and letting him take the lead ensures that I will be OK. Thank you for your words and inspiration. So blessed to have you in our family.
Thank you Julie, life is crazy most of the time but at least God stays constant. I’m glad you liked my book. Praying for strength and encouragement for you!