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The Great Unknown

26 Mar

I have something kind of big happening next month so my emotions are 50/50; half terrified and anxious, half optimistic. I am going through some tests to see if my tumors can still uptake radiation which if they can, the doctor has to measure exactly how much radiation my body can still tolerate vs. how much cancer I need to get rid of. If the two measurements work out I may be able to do radiation again and be done with cancer for awhile, if not I’m back to exactly where I am today, stable and waiting for treatment (which is not a terrible place to be). The problem is that I’ve already had radiation twice, once with a high dose I-131 which I drank and took internally the first time I had cancer, and the other via external beam the third time with cancer. Because of this, the doctor has to  make an exact calculation of a tolerable amount for me or there are not so pleasant side effects (radiation induced secondary cancer). Lots to think about yet really nothing to think about because I just have to go do it and that’s that. There’s a bit of prep work going into the test prior to the radiation that may or may not work. First, they changed my medication last week, a hard switch, so my body is freaking out right now and second, I have to be on a special diet and have no medication a couple weeks before this radiation testing happens, which means I’ll be beyond exhausted.

I confess, I’m a hot mess thinking about all this craziness, not to mention I’m already exhausted and I can’t imagine how much more tired and achy I’ll be 3 weeks from now. I am really trying to process all this and am going through phases of angry and sad that amidst family things, Spring Break plans, Easter, and trying to prepare my daughter to launch in this last half of her senior year, I have to think about cancer, radiation, and CT scans. It all really stinks but I’m reminded God is still in control. Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God’~Corrie TenBoom

It’s springtime in Michigan and although it has still been a bit chilly the sun has been out for several days in a row (always a bonus). With the stress of the upcoming tests I have forgotten my daily exercise of stopping and acknowledging things I’m grateful for daily. It’s amazing how quickly perspective, mood, stress can change with the simple act of breathing and taking a moment to remember all your blessings. I have so much to be thankful for…ahhhhhh.  I heard someone call this weird in between stage ‘purgatory’, there was a life before cancer, then there’s the vision of the end because of the diagnosis, but mostly there’s the great in-between; between scans, between treatments, between inhaling and exhaling. Truly our responsibility is the same in all these stages, to love God and to love others and I’m adding this one…to leave space for people to love on you too. It’s spring and one of our bushes is already showing new buds. I read an awesome quote which said, ‘Spring is evidence that the God that breathed the world into existence is still breathing.’~Barbara Brown Taylor  God is still breathing, don’t miss the magic.

Today I wear Bare Minerals Gen Nude Buttercream Lip Gloss in Snarky which is rose with gold sparkle. These are super moisturizing and glossy but only have a little bit of color. I like the consistency because they’re not sticky. I chose this color because it’s an easy color to wear and the gold flecks are just enough pop. I also love the name because it’s kind of been my mood lately. Cheers!

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2 Responses to “The Great Unknown”

  1. Judy Janke March 27, 2018 at 8:11 am #

    Anna, you are one strong lady! Stay positive, open minded and spiritual. My prayers go out to you with lot’s of hugs. Keep in mind that God has plans for his children no matter what stage in life we are in. He is with you all the way with many of your family and friends. Keep the Faith!
    Love ya, Judy Janke

    • Anna March 27, 2018 at 8:14 am #

      Thank you Judy! Love you❤️

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