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Tag Archives: prayer

Grateful?

25 Nov

joy

How do you stay grateful when you are living with Stage 4 cancer? It’s an interesting conundrum and it’s not that easy. I’ve read a few blogs on how people are grateful they got cancer…umm, no. My mind is tossed between living each day as if it’s your last yet being a little stuck in a place with many responsibilities. There are (many) days that I wish I could quit my job and conquer, or at least try,  to do all the things I wish I could have done or have wanted to do or to just be there for each of my kids following them around, holding their hands and hugging them (I’m sure they’d all love that, haha). Unfortunately since I am not independently wealthy I have to modify…a lot, and sometimes it gets sad for me because there are so many things I want to do with the time I have left whether it’s a little or a lot. Time is a funny thing. I was grateful to read this from author Ann Voskamp this week, ‘You have only one decision every day: how will you use your time? Sometimes the best use of your time is to stand and listen to a clock. We’re all terminal-and we all just want a number. What size is this bucket of time? How many days will I actually get? The hands of the clock are bound by the decisions of our hands.’ Day to day, minute by minute we decide. Yes we have to work and earn a living, but in that space of time is there something or someone to be grateful for? We have today. Can we be that something or someone for another person? Contentment stems from gratefulness, being grateful leads to joy and joy can change the world.

For this Thanksgiving weekend I’m not thankful to have cancer again but God has been so good through it all. Lately I have to say my heart’s been hurting a little because the days fly by so quickly and I feel like time’s just slipping away. ‘Heartache forces us to embrace God out of desperate, urgent need. God is never closer than when your heart is aching.’~Joni Eareckson Tada. I know I have to focus on gratitude for what God’s done through the cancer because it’s what gives me hope and I have to say that many of the things I’m grateful for today are because cancer has opened my eyes to them. I’m grateful that from the constant and consistent prayers of family, friends, and even strangers I have experienced the peace that passes all understanding. ‘Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.’~Phil 4:7, MSG.  I’m grateful for the people I am surrounded by who lift me up and encourage me and for the strength to let go of toxic relationships and focus on life giving ones. I am grateful that I have found a love that brings me joy and lots of laughter. I’m grateful that having cancer helps me focus on what’s truly important and therefore helps me more readily release the stupid things that stress me out. Through any adversity there is opportunity to grow in faith and in character if you see it that way and I am grateful that I have peace and joy and that my faith and dependence on God grows stronger because I have no control over circumstances. I am incredibly grateful that I have a God that I trust who offers me hope for not just me, but for my family; He knows my joys and my heartbreak and I know He hears my prayers and loves me. Whatever happens in the future, He’s got this and that is the greatest reason for gratitude.

Today I wear Fenty Beauty Gloss Bomb Universal Lip Luminizer. Of course I had to try something from the popular new Fenty Beauty by Rihanna brand and of course it had to be a lip product. I chose this because she literally only has this one gloss which is supposed to look great on all skin tones, well, it does. It is called Fenty Glow and it is a soft rosy gold color, great shine, great moisture, great color, and yes, universal. Gratitude looks great on everyone. Cheers!

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Eclipse

1 Oct

 

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Every week since my diagnosis I have at least a few people ask me how I’m doing or how I’m feeling. My answer to them is generally ok, but I really don’t know how to feel. For the last couple of months now while I’ve been on this ‘watch and wait’ mode it has been a real rollercoaster of emotions literally minute to minute. Physically I feel fine but emotionally I could be fine one minute, devastated the next. My mind rolls through thoughts like crazy, some good some bad; Audrey’s a senior, will I be here for Alex’s senior year/ senior pictures, if I start some type of therapy will I have energy, am I eating the right things, will I still have energy to travel, what exactly is on my bucket list, etc…so much randomness in my thoughts. Without knowing when or if these tumors start to grow is a tough place to be but I know answers are coming soon.

So how do I feel? Right now, mostly sad and sometimes angry. I can’t say I’m really afraid of anything except maybe that I burst out crying at an inappropriate time. Something you may not know about me is that for my job I work in cancer centers and oncology offices all day long so I am literally surrounded by patients, doctors, cancer language, etc. I am not a doctor but I know just enough of the language and statistics to be educated about my own case which again is good and bad. So while I watch and wait I live in the twilight zone  because I can’t get away from the cancer conversation. It’s like that point of a solar eclipse when the sun is partially covered; you know the sun will shine brightly again but not until the moon passes over. For a short bit of time we have to live in the shadows of life’s eclipse until the sun can shine fully again. Some of the things I’m missing right now is laughter, joy, and maybe a little bit of hope. I know it’s a season and I know I’ll fight this bitch (excuse the profanity), but until then I think I may struggle here and there. Jeremiah 29:13 says, You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ I read in another blog that God even wants you to seek Him with the parts of your heart that are broken. My heart is broken but I have enough life and scars on it that I know it’s strong. For now, I’m a little sad.eastervid

Courageous. Brave. Strong. All words people have used to describe me but what do those all mean? I guess that means that I get up every day, pull up my big girl pants, and step one foot in front of the other. The hardest parts of my days are in the quiet but I know that it’s actually in the quiet where I find my strength. I just read Matthew 11:28 in The Message version of the Bible and I really loved it, ‘Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me -watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and light.’ I’m praying for the free and light. I’m praying for joy and laughter and hope and I really want to have a dance party. You read that right, I want to have a party and I want to dance. Text me some jokes or respond to this blog with jokes or funny pictures. Thank you so much for all your prayers and words of encouragement but this week, I want to laugh (but still keep praying). This crazy world needs more laughter anyway!

Today I wear NYX Butter Gloss in Red Wine Truffle. This gloss is seriously the best stuff and under $5 which makes it even better! I have it in several colors and you really can’t go wrong. I chose this particular color today because it feels like fall outside and the color is deeper, but because I also love red wine…cheers!

Prayer, Christianity

24 Sep

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photo courtesy of Kensington Community Church

Last month when I told my mom I had cancer again her first words after the ‘what’ and the ‘where’ were, ‘How can that be? We’ve been praying for you every single day since the last cancer (7 years) that it wouldn’t return. How can that be?’  The second or third time I had cancer I was invited to a small group bible study so they could pray for me…who wouldn’t want that? It was all good until one of the gentlemen started praying for my faith. Afterward he said that I probably got cancer again because I didn’t have enough faith and that his extreme faith in God is why he’s had no illness and drives a Cadillac. His faith got him blessings. I left there angry and sick to my stomach.

I am a Christian woman. I believe in the Father, his son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I try to live a life that shows that but I know I am far from perfect; the amazing part of Christianity is God’s grace and forgiveness. I have complete faith in God’s plan for my life however that looks and I believe there is a reason and a season for everything. Yesterday I waved hello to someone from my past who has over the years hardened toward me because of untruths that she has been told and she turned her back. This mature woman of faith. I wanted to finally speak my truth because there are always two sides, I wanted to forgive, and I wanted to share grace but she. turned. her. back. I forgave, I let go.

You say you’re a Christian? Show me. You have the bible memorized and can quote me verses? Nice job, but are you kind? Show me. You have your arms raised when you worship? Looks intense but do you love people not like you? How do you act outside those four church walls? Show me. You go to church every Sunday and sometimes during the week? Great, but do you condemn and curse people for offensive actions based on your judgement? Show me. John 13:35 says ‘Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.’ Is that you? Is that me? I’m trying my best but if you are quoting a bible verse in one breath then condemning or cursing a person, tribe, nationality, etc…what does that show the world? The old hymn says, ‘They will know we are Christians by our love,’ can we do that? Having cancer again gives me less energy and tolerance for stupid and lots of eye rolling as well. We are all flawed but if all the Christians would love and forgive more maybe our country would be a little less divided. Can we match our actions to our words so our legacy is one of love? We are never promised tomorrow and we are all doing the best we can, let’s do better.  ‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law.’ Galatians 5:22-23 

Now, the harder question. Does God answer prayer? When my mom asked me the ‘how’ with all the prayers I just had to shrug my shoulders and say that maybe God had a different plan and to just keep praying. I still 100 percent believe God answers prayer even if it’s not the answer we are hoping for. As Christians we always talk about God’s perfect plan, God giving us the desires of our heart, etc but we are also human so in our human brains it gets a little confusing when we think that His plan is something that we actually want or desire; healing, a promotion, a spouse, a child, a pay raise. I believe that God really cares about our hearts and the rest of the superficial stuff is secondary. I will not stop praying for the superficial stuff but I know that in the big scheme of things I have a plan and God has a plan and sometimes they’re not the same. I trust Him…He loves me, He made me.

Today I wear Lancome L’Absolu Hydrating Lipcolor in Jezebel…I know, biblical name with negative connotation but c’mon people, it’s the name of a lip color. This is the perfect deep berry shade for fall and I love that it’s so moisturizing. Until next time, Cheers!

 

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