Here it is again. Tomorrow is scan day for me. Living with ‘stable’ metastatic cancer is so weird. First let me explain stable; stable disease means that although my cancer has spread to other parts of my body (namely my lungs), the tumors are either not growing or not shrinking, there are no new tumors, and the cancer has not spread to any new regions of the body. Bottom line, with a diagnosis of Stage 4 metastatic cancer with tumors in my lungs? Stable is an awesome thing. I have been stable for over a year so at the one year mark my doctor decided to stretch my scans from every 3 months to every 6 months. Well, it’s been 6 months. In a blog I wrote over a year ago I quoted author Bruce Feiler who referred to his scans as his ‘regular date with digital destiny’ to show whether his lung nodules had grown. He goes on to say, ‘Scans are like revolving doors, emotional roulette wheels that spin us around a few days and spit us out the other side.’ Yes, yes, and all yes, I’m going on a date tomorrow with my digital destiny.
I have to say I think the spread to every 6 months has been beneficial to my well-being. It has given me enough time to recover from the scan, infuse a little hope, resume normal life, and on occasion, forget the cancer exists. The problem is, internally this weekend or even this whole past week leading up to the scan I’ve been a wreck. Of course nothing visible to the public but anxiety I can feel in my stomach, heart, and mind. This past week I haven’t slept that well and have had a harder time breathing. This weekend I’ve been pretty emotional. Giving my son a morning hug and a nice note from one of the sponsors of my launch party this morning has brought tears to my eyes. I want to both crawl into bed and not get up but also jump out of my skin and run like the wind (even though I can’t really run anymore because of my breathing).
I will make it through. Just another day and another step in this crazy beautiful life. Ultimately, having scans on a consistent basis has also served as a reminder that life is short and that it’s precious. It’s a reminder to stop and be truly grateful for everything and everyone you’ve been blessed with. I think that’s why I get so emotional, not because of fear, but because my date with the scan forces me to stop and really think about my life and all the people. Dang, I love living so much surrounded by people I love. Monday is just another day and by Tuesday or Wednesday, whenever I get the results and whatever they may be, I will be a little stronger than today.
‘I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.’~ Leonardo da Vinci
Today I wear The Lipstick Journey lipstick in Promise which is beautiful, soft, shimmery pink. On the website I described wearing this color to remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day, a color full of hope and promise and a ‘pinky promise’ to yourself to be gentle to you. For today (and tomorrow) I pray for peace. Cheers!
Anna's Lipstick Journey 
Anna. You will be in my prayers and I will pray for a great outcome with your scan tomorrow! Many hugs to you from the Sicken family!
Thank you!
Anna
These are beautiful – with Andy having ALS I dread the neurologist visit – they exam him – think they see stuff that isn’t there yet but probably will be eventually – just waiting for that time to come is torture – we see him every 4months – the week before is awful – fear/worry/wondering if things have changed and I just don’t see them, even though I find myself staring at my husband constantly – life is precious – things that mattered before are a so what now – praying for you beautiful lady
Debbie
Sent from my iPad
Thank you ❤️
Anna. Thinking of you always and praying you get the best news from your scan.
Thank you!❤️
Praying for you, and I am anxious for the results. My name is Christine, and I know your parents from my church. They initially told me about your book, which I read, and have been following your journey. God’s Peace!
Thank you ❤️
Pre Scan Anxiety is the worst. Even worse than pre results, for me, once rhe scan is done, its out of my hands, as if it were ever in my hands to begin with.
So true❤️
Anna, I have been reading your blog for awhile now-you are so inspirational I know that you are brave and that your faith is your fuel. I am asking God to send His big, burly bouncer angels to protect and contend for you! God’s mercy and grace be with you.
Thank you so much ❤️