50

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. If you read my last blog I spoke about being weary. After coming home from Alex’s 6 week hospital stay from the stroke, I was physically exhausted, mentally fried, and soul-crushed tired. All of that turned into functional depression or maybe grief over the past month or so. There’s a lot of talk about mental health these days so it seems ‘safer’ to speak truth and this is me being vulnerable. I say ‘functional’ depression because I continued to work, and smile, and socialize, and maintain my regular ‘high achieving/ goal oriented’ daily life, but then there was the other side. There was the underlying sadness that I could feel wanting to pull me down, and the tears that would show up at random times. It was like skating on thin ice wondering when it would start cracking and hoping I didn’t fall through. I still feel it come and go but I also feel like I’m coming out of it. I have PTSD from Alex’s stroke. When he doesn’t respond to a text within minutes I’m panicky, if he sleeps 5 minutes longer than normal I wonder if he’s ok. I hate it. He has one more procedure coming up to make sure his AVM is completely gone and it happens to be the same week as my CT to measure my tumors. It’s a lot. I probably need therapy.

I have to say this past year has been a challenge (cancer, emergency surgery, stroke, job stress and changes) but for every bad thing that’s happened there have been a million awesome things. Balancing the weight of having cancer was(is) difficult enough, but then I had to dig even deeper for strength to help my son. Isn’t that how life is? Never comfortable? Adversity and challenges come and go to help us know what we’re made of. We can either cower and crawl into fetal position or push forward and say ‘screw you, I’m not going down that way.’ It’s funny, my word for 2019 year was/is renewal. The definition of renewal is to make new; refresh after an interruption; to restore. This has been a year of interruption and constant renewal has been tough. How ironic.

Last October I turned 50 and I felt a mind shift; maybe wiser, maybe more confident. Even though I got my AARP eligibility card in the mail (thanks for the reminder I’m a pre-qualifier for senior discount, AARP), I didn’t feel older… I felt a little more bad ass. In my 30’s and 40’s I felt a little nervous or maybe insecure about getting older but when I turned 50 everything kind of came together. After cancer, divorce, re-marriage, a really sick kid, I know what I’m made of and I’m pretty comfortable in my skin. Here are some of the things I’ve learned so far:

•  You are stronger than you think
•  50 is still young, don’t fight it
•  Stay connected with younger people, it keeps your mind active and there’s lots to learn from each other
•  Simple is better, there are so many things you don’t need; assess, trash, donate
•  There are still so many good people in this world
•  The Golden Rule is truth. If everyone treated people how they would want to be treated the world would be a better place.
•  Actions are more important than words; Words don’t matter if your actions don’t match
•  Words can break you
•  Bad things will happen
•  There’s no need to be around toxic people, they just poison you and it takes too long to recover
•  Everyone’s days are numbered, live like it
•  Sadness comes and goes
•  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, read the book (paraphrased from Dolly Parton)~because everyone comes from a really good story
•  Beauty and ugly both come from the inside, not what’s reflected in the mirror
•  There’s no ‘perfect time’ to follow your dreams, just dive right in
•  Loving God is different than being religious
•  Life is still filled with wonder just open your eyes

Lastly, always be grateful.

‘Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.’~Mark Twain

Tags: children, faith, inspiration, life lessons, lipstick journey, peace, relationships, transparency