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Enough Already!

8 Aug

Cheers for a new day!

Today was an interesting day. I started off the day early with an ultrasound to my neck. Because of the experimental blood test I took 6 months ago showing I had no cancer cells, I was able to wait a full year before doing my ultrasound and PET scan. Last night I told myself that if he didn’t see anything today, to me, my cancer journey would officially be over and life would just be moving forward in my new ‘normal’. It has been a full year since my last ultrasound and already two years since my last surgery and external beam radiation, so again, a clean ultrasound today for me meant…officially over. Well, it wasn’t exactly the news I wanted. Keep in mind, I know this doctor. He has been the radiologist who has looked in my neck every 3-6 months for four years now. I have heard him say ‘there’s something there’ , ‘it’s back’, ‘you’re clean’, ‘see you next year’, etc…I have seen my doctors so many times that I understand their mannerisms and expressions. So today when he said, ‘hmmm, there’s some tissue there and it’s thick.’ What does that mean? ‘I’m not sure, but that’s exactly what I’m going to write on my notes. It’s thicker than last time, a year ago, when’s your PET scan?’ Not scheduled yet. ‘Oh, ok, you should probably schedule that.’ Is it good or bad? ‘I’m not sure, it’s just…more’. More what? ‘Do the PET scan.’

Needless to say, I left not knowing how to respond. Let’s just say I wasn’t overwhelmed with joy, but I wasn’t totally devastated either. I just felt nothing, so I went to work. I spoke to one of my friends a little while after and he said, ‘How do you do it?’ What? ‘Continue on normally with life, work, etc when you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for four years.’ You just do. As I thought about his question throughout the day I started getting a little angry. Yes, I’ve been on this rollercoaster for awhile and well, I want off. I have remained positive and strong thanks to my faith, family and friends, but sometimes it feels like I’m walking on thin ice and at anytime it could crack and I will drown. So here are my hidden feelings, things that I don’t usually share except with a select few. I hate this. I hate asking for prayers and help over and over again because I feel like a drainer of people. I hate that I have a harder time swallowing and breathing. I hate that my kids never quite know how to react or what to ask after every test. I’m sick of fighting with my body…fighter, survivor?  No, just always fighting. I hate sore throats and necks. Sometimes I don’t want to be positive , but truth is that if I do fall through the ice I’m afraid I would never resurface, so I keep skimming the top. No, I really am not afraid. I trust in God’s plan. Sounds hokey and religious to some, but that’s how it truly is for me. I’m not scared, I’m just sick of all this and I really don’t like to have to think about anymore. Unfortunately because of all my appointments and how my breathing, speaking, singing etc. have changed, I’m forced to.

Well, enough of my rant. Thank you for listening, praying, and supporting me always. Thanks to this blog, I can rant and rave and not keep those feelings hidden ,that’s worse, everyone needs an outlet, so find yours. For now I will move forward with my red lipstick on. Today I choose Nars lipstick in Fire Down Below (a color I’ve chosen before). Nars lipsticks are great for color, staying power, and of course the names, love this name….cheers!

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24 Responses to “Enough Already!”

  1. Jo Heroux August 8, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    It is totally appropriate for this prompt. I am sorry you are dealing again…sorry it wasn’t a simple straight forward all clear. I want to make it all better for you and I want you to just move forward with your full and good life. Enough of all this stuff.

    I will pray as always for your strength and for your peace as God’s plan plays out. ♥ u Anna and I’m always impressed by your faith. Something I share with you and know you are spreading to all who know you, unquestioning faith that His will be done.

    • Anna August 8, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

      Thank you for your encouragement Jo, I’m just mad and done!

  2. Portia S. Andrade August 8, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

    Have faith always…..

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:29 am #

      Always…

  3. Word Nerd August 8, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    I can only imagine the range of feelings your journey has put you through. I’m pretty sure I’d get stuck in “pissed off” for quite a while and want to punch something. You are, as always, in my prayers. ♥

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:29 am #

      Hey Beth! I’m pretty pissed this time, not really upset. Kinda strange, but sometimes pissed feels good

  4. Kat August 8, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    Anna, so sorry that the news wasn’t what you wanted to hear. I pray that the pet scan will resolve that all is well. You are so strong and I know your faith, family and friends will get you through this. Try not to worry too much until you know if there is anything to worry about.

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:28 am #

      Thanks Kat, I am moving forward and taking one step at a time!

  5. Kathy August 9, 2012 at 2:02 am #

    How could you not have those feelings? Every day is another day of survival. Every day that you move forward and are still here is a triumph and another day to live and celebrate your survival. I admire your determination. I seen the same determination in my mother when she was fighting Multiple Myeloma. You go on and do the best you can because you are living this and have little choice. If you had a choice I am sure you would choose to not be dealing with this at all. How wonderful you have a place to vent. You are strong and your faith, determination, family, and friends will support and see you through! May God Bless you and walk with you through this holding you close.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:27 am #

      Thanks Kathy, yes, everyday isa celebration and I definitely have to look at it that way, even if I force it!

  6. Lee S Brooks August 9, 2012 at 9:01 am #

    I hope everything turns out good for you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is keep moving on. Good luck!

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      Thanks Lee! Yup, constant motion and moving forward

  7. Facing Cancer (@cancer2gether) August 9, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    Thinking of you and hoping this thickening is just a thickening – nothing more. So sorry to hear you had a bad day. Hopefully soon you’ll be off this roller coaster!

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      Thanks Catherine, one day at a time, as usual

  8. rachelpappas August 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    Hi, we follow each other on Twitter and I finally got around to visiting your warmly, openly written blog. I hope you get good results back from this last scan. You are so young! Hang in there, girlie.

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:25 am #

      Thank you Rachel! I checked out your site too and it’s awesome! I love the support and the education as well!

  9. Linda Bays Justice August 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

    I so know how you feel. I HATE cancer and hate how it’s changed my life. Like you said a roller coaster. My prayers are with you. God bless you dear lady.

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:25 am #

      Thank you Linda, I hate always using rollercoaster, but I can’t seem to compare it to anything else. Too many emotions all the time!

  10. Brigid August 10, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    Anna, Just praying for you. I will get around to calling you. I just know that I’ll want a long time to catch up with you and that hasn’t presented itself yet. Peace be with you my friend.

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:24 am #

      Thanks Brigid! Yes, I think we have a few years to catch up on! Miss you!

  11. Terri Fowler August 10, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    Anna, you have always been in my thoughts and prayers. Even though I don’t see you very often I think about you all the time and pray that your cancer journey is OVER! May God carry you to health, happiness and a long wonderful life with your family!

    • Anna August 10, 2012 at 10:24 am #

      Thank you Terri!

  12. drchoneydew August 11, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

    many never reach a life of authenticity…in this life. We have been blessed to see glimpses of this richness in your blog. Your life..so alive…laying to rest the facts..your life magnifies truth…..thank you

    • Anna August 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

      Thank you Brenda, you made me cry with your comments.

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