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Blessings and Battles

7 Jan

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Rick Warren says that he used to think that the Christian life was a succession of battles and blessings but now he thinks of life as being on two tracks. At any given time there are usually blessings, but also battles to face (from bibleinoneyear.org).

There’s a lot of grief to process when you have cancer. I honestly don’t remember the feelings I had when I had cancer the first, second, or third times…I guess it’s like giving birth; you don’t really remember the pain until it’s happening again. All I can speak to is now and now my cancer is Stage 4. Ever since I declared joy as my word for 2018 I’ve been processing and working through all of the grief and sadness I’m feeling, mostly if not all, revolving around lost time. This past week I grieved my voice again. I have not over the years post cancer really thought too much about the fact that my voice was altered from a paralyzed vocal cord after my first cancer surgery, but the fact that I no longer do something I was able to do so well and was so passionate about for most of my life is sad; church, weddings, radio jingles, guest appearances, and even a Broadway stage one time…gone. Imagine something you feel was your special gift, your love and your passion, but you really can’t do it anymore, it’s a little heartbreaking. Then there’s the years of trying to please different people that in the end could never be pleased, the years of trying to be something for someone while giving up pieces of yourself, time wasted. Then there’s all this time looking at my life wondering if there was/is more I could do for my kids, my social circles, for humanity in general. I grieve and I fear that I have wasted so much time. I guess I’m a little angry too because I feel like I’m always battling my body. Maybe it’s normal. ‘Grief does not change you,… It reveals you.~ John Greenannabeach

I read what Rick Warren said about life being a series of battles and blessings, or I should say blessings with battles interspersed, and it really resonated with me. I also met with an incredibly wise woman who told me to be gentle with myself and to sit and think about all of the blessings that have come along despite the trials. I do know that my past has made me stronger and wiser and cancer has given me hyper-awareness of time and being intentional with time and relationships. I am still sad about lost time but it’s ok because we bend and grow through our experiences. I am a ‘feeler’ according to Myers-Briggs personality type and with cancer, my ‘feeler’ personality is magnified. Hurt is doubled, pain is doubled, but so is joy and happiness. When one of my kids says something hurtful it’s hard to bounce back because my hurt is magnified, I know my daughter is graduating soon and leaving for college and I think in normal circumstances I’d be sad, but now that sadness is magnified. It’s so strange. Blessings? Too many to count but with any health issue the battle part is always in your face. This week I shed a lot of tears but I still found that joy. I decided grief and tears are ok.

‘There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love’~Washington Irving

‘Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.’~Leo Tolstoy

Today I wear Urban Decay Vice lipstick in Backdoor which is a really cool metallic brown. There are a ton of colors and finishes available in this lipstick line and most are pretty moisturizing. I chose this color because I felt like I needed a little sparkle! Cheers!

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10 Responses to “Blessings and Battles”

  1. Cynthia Weed January 7, 2018 at 10:18 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and helping those of us who are not able to articulate our feelings find a voice. My prayers are with you, and I just LOVE your style!! Be well fellow traveler, betcha we make it!

    • Anna January 7, 2018 at 10:21 pm #

      Thank you for your kind words and thanks for riding along on this crazy journey❤️

  2. Cindy January 8, 2018 at 11:31 am #

    Prayers from a healthy stranger, thank you for your amazing writing talents, you have another genuine gift and this is a blessing to many. Thank you for sharing your true life’s journey<3

    • Anna January 8, 2018 at 11:38 am #

      Thank you Cindy and thanks for following my journey 👍🏽

  3. Beth Allen Sanders January 8, 2018 at 4:17 pm #

    You are loved and admired by many! I’m sending you JOY and Calm Today dear friend! ♥️♥️😘

    • Anna January 8, 2018 at 4:20 pm #

      Thanks Beth❤️❤️

  4. Shelly Rizzo January 8, 2018 at 7:11 pm #

    You are loved deeply Anna💜

  5. Gina Petherick January 11, 2018 at 8:16 am #

    Thank you for sharing your journey. You inspire me. Last week I was studying Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the future glory that will be revealed in us”. This scripture brings me great joy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers often!

    • Anna January 11, 2018 at 9:04 am #

      Thank you Gina❤️

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