Vacation

15 Jul

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I’m back! My family has just returned from the longest vacation in our history. I use the term ‘vacation’ loosely because if you’re a mom, you know you’re always working. Anyhow, we toured the East Coast via automobile; Niagara Falls, Boston, New York City, Newport,RI, Baltimore, Washington DC, Virginia Beach, then ending with a whitewater rafting trip in the mountains of West Virginia. Yes, 5 people in an SUV, 2 of which are teens (with one able to drive as well). Did I sleep much…nah. Was it crazy fun? I still need to take a step back and soak in all we’ve done. I have to say the trip was diverse; from a baseball game at historic Fenway Park, to a Broadway show; from staying in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC to sleeping in a tent with no electricity or running water in the mountains. I just now looked at the 300 pictures I took and I had to laugh. This vacation I decided to take a different approach to picture taking. Instead of all smiles (which you see all the time), I wanted to go ‘real’. I decided to take the frustrated, angry, bored, etc pictures as well as the smiley ones. By the time we got to Boston, my daughter caught on to what I was doing and when she had the camera she did the same. Looking at the pictures just now, the ‘real’ ones are the ones that are cracking me up. Sure, the other pics document great moments and smiling faces, but the others, well, they document what was really happening at times, and the expressions of true feelings, well, priceless. I would include some of my pics but I think certain family members may not be that happy with me if I did.2013-07-13 19.07.46

How many of you have vacation pictures where everyone is all smiles? Everyone I’m sure. It’s the in between moments that I wanted to capture, the ‘real’ stuff, it’s what I crave. Sometimes I get sick of all the facades people put up. It gets tiring. I’m tired myself sometimes of portraying a pretty picture. That’s not how life is all the time is it? The best part of vacation for me? Spending all that time with my kids, talking with them and really getting deep, especially with my older two. If you have teens you know that they start getting quiet and start spending more and more time with friends instead of you. This time was precious to me getting to know their struggles and their thoughts on various worldly issues that teens go through. All in all it was a good vacation; a little long for me because I’m kind of a homebody, but good. So what do my pictures say? What do people think when they look at you? Smiles are great, but being ‘real’ is even better.2013-07-06 00.29.30

Today I wear Carmex strawberry with SPF 15 because it’s all I wore on vacation. In fact, we had to stop at Walgreen and buy more. I try to be pretty low maintenance when I travel so it’s usually just tinted sunscreen and lip balm…talk about real…real scary that is! Cheers!

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Busy

22 Jun

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Where has the time gone? I apologize for slacking in my writing but, a)I feel like there’s so much going on that my head is spinning and, b)because there’s so much going on, I feel like there’s honestly nothing to write about. It’s ‘b’ that worries me. Yes life moves fast, but if we don’t stop to observe the smallest of moments, we miss the magic of simply living and breathing and I don’t want to miss that because I’m just trying to get through the day…get it? Anyhow, it’s only been about a week since school got out and my oldest made a comment, ‘Why do we seem more busy?’ Well, with a week of summer camp for my daughter, travel basketball for the oldest, baseball play-offs for the youngest, and me working full time? Yeah, we are busy. So, deep breath.

Today my daughter and I went to a wedding shower for a beautiful couple. I have known the bride’s parents for a long time because her dad used to accompany me when I sang awhile back. Fast forward about 15 years and the future groom happens to move here to be closer to his fiance and becomes a leader for my oldest son’s small group at our church. The future bride has had major health struggles over the past year which forced them to postpone the wedding, but now it is back on track and happening soon. What’s beautiful about this couple is that the ‘in sickness and in health’ happened before the wedding and the future groom stood by her side; not just ‘stood’, literally had fundraisers to help the costs of treatment, cooked for her, and cared for her. It was incredible to be a part of their faith and love journey up to this point and get glimpses of their sacrificial love. Today’s bridal shower was really a celebration of life too.

Well, on top of all the business of the past week I was sick, really sick. I just started feeling better yesterday. Body aches, exhaustion, coughing, and because of the coughing I lost my voice for about 4 days. You know what happens when a cancer survivor gets sick and stays sick over a week? They think they have some type of cancer again. I hate that cancer recurrance is where my mind goes first but it’s the truth. Until I started feeling better I thought that I probably had leukemia; not to mention my dog will not leave my side (you know what they say about animals sixth sense). Regardless, I am feeling MUCH better today and my voice is almost 100% back to it’s normal 50% capacity (from lack of vocal cord). Life keeps moving ‘in sickness and in health’ and I don’t want to miss the party. So, in all that busyness, close your eyes and stick your face in the sun or the rain or the clouds and smile. Just breathing is magic!

Today I wear Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter in Lollipop. This is my favorite drugstore lipstick right now because they have quite a bit of color and they do feel like butter on your lips! I have these lip butters in at least four different colors but Lollipop and Red Velvet are my faves. Lollipop is sort of a hot pink color (kinda still on my hot pink roll for now), it reminds me of summer and popsicles…fun! Until next time!

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What if…

12 Jun

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This week’s topic for my blogging group GBE2 (which, sad to say, I have been very delinquent in posting topics for this group, sorry) is ‘What if…’ First of all, I hate the what ifs because life keeps moving forward, and asking the question forces you to look backwards and maybe question some of the decisions you’ve made along the way. Every day, there are what ifs and whichever path we take or decision we make has a consequence that we just have to deal with, good or bad. Again, I hate looking backwards.

For today I’m going to think about an uncontrollable ‘what if’; a decision made for me. What if I never had cancer? It’s a big one because I have a hard time remembering who I was and what type of person I was before cancer. I don’t think I was much different personality wise, I think maybe how I see things has changed and therefore my heart and soul are little different. Ok, ok, too deep. Anyhow, there are some ‘solid’ things that have happened like if I hadn’t had cancer I wouldn’t have written a book, I wouldn’t have started a blog, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet all the amazing people along the way and done all the cool things that I’ve done because of the cancer. So here’s the heart and soul stuff….I think I would be a little more selfish, maybe a little less grateful, maybe a lot more rushed through the day, not stopping to stand in the rain or close my eyes and stick my face in the sun. I am a little different, maybe alot different, like I said, I can hardly remember my old self. I love more, my heart breaks easier, I listen more intently, and I try not to take people or days for granted. On the other side I’m alot less tolerant of jerks, mean people, angry people, ‘life-zapping’ people…waste of time and energy. So was cancer a blessing? In some ways. Would I have chosen to get it….NO WAY. What if I never had cancer? Who knows, but I accept who I am today because of it and I keep moving forward. Enough of the what ifs! Everyday a new beginning!

But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at  strain, to dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall, and baffled, get up and begin  again. -Robert Browning

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Suspense which again is this purply hot pink shade cool for summer. These lipsticks are cross between a lipstick and a gloss, are moisturizing and you can hardly feel them on your lips. They have great colors but go on more sheer than what you see in the tube. I love them! I chose Suspense for both the color and the name. Life is fun and living with excitement and suspense at how the day goes and who you might meet sounds like a blast, doesn’t it? Cheers!

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Treasure

9 Jun

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What a day! This weekend I drove to Chicago to participate in the Esprit de She women’s triathlon and it was both an exciting and breathtaking day. My daughter came with me and I was able to participate with both my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. The day started bright and early and I was asked ahead of time to sing the national anthem on behalf of all of the survivors participating in the race. The emcee shared a little about my story, book, and blog, and I was able to say a few words. I was also told the day before that Glo Minerals donated a lipstick called ‘Treasure’ to all of the survivors on behalf of Team Lipstick Journey! So to start the day, I swiped on Treasure, spoke a little and opened the event with the National Anthem in front of almost 2000 spectators. After the anthem of course, I cried like a baby. It is so overwhelming for me to still be able to sing that I always get emotional now when I actually pull it off. Well, the initially forecasted cold and rainy day turned out to be a sunny beautiful morning filled with fun and gratitude. My last blog spoke of strength and courage, but today I want to speak of hope and freedom. Once again, for me, it is so difficult to breathe so some may think I’m crazy,why even bother? Well, when I try to ‘beat’ my breathing problems caused by cancer it gives me hope and freedom for the future. I can feel my body working and pushing itself to the max and the outdoors and wind on my face gives me a sense of that freedom. Overcoming obstacles; the cancer, the breathing, gives me hope that I am not bound to the things that have happened in my past. We all have the choice and the freedom to always be moving forward. That’s the ‘why’…hope and freedom to move forward. So did Team Lipstick Journey win? Of course not, but we finished strong and smiling!!photo (6)

Today I wear Treasure by Glo Minerals. I have been wearing it all day long and I love it! It looks like a shocking hot pink in the tube but it actually goes on a soft raspberry color on me. I believe it would look great on any skintone! It is mineral based and moisturizing. I’ll close by saying what I said earlier in my speech, treasure today and treasure each moment of breath because you never know what tomorrow brings! Cheers!

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Strength and Courage

28 May

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Strength and courage. These are two words cancer fighters hear all the time. ‘You are so strong, so much courage to go through what you are going through…’ During ‘the fight’ we have no choice but to be strong and courageous fighting this enemy attacking our bodies. These are good words, and for me a constant encouragement to hear, empowering me to fight and conquer. Again, there was no choice, either be strong, courageous, and fight, or wither away and wallow in self pity…yeah, that sounds fun. Anyhow, I looked up the definitions:

Strength: The state of being strong, the power to resist attack; durability

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain

Yes to both, cancer/illness fighters need both. What about after the fight? I am finding that having strength and courage after the fight, trying to adjust to a new normal, while also adjusting from some of the side effects psychologically along with treatment side effects, is just as difficult. Cancer opens your eyes and heart to a whole new world and not all of it is ‘rosy’. I see things with a different perspective (obviously), I have a longing to live life to the fullest, to love and understand people and where they come from, for my kids to be just as excited about life as I am despite an ever-changing and not always positive society. What if when your eyes are open, you don’t like everything you see? Well, it takes even more strength and courage to make changes and to be the change; to stand up for what you believe in and move forward despite the constant scare of cancer. I know this sounds like alot of jibberish but my mind and heart have been swirling. We all live with a type of ‘cancer’ don’t we? Something that grates on our nerves, a job, a co-worker, a situation. Open your eyes and heart and live. There is a certain power to being vulnerable with people. It is scary but be strong and courageous, we need that from each other.

Deuteronomy 31:6  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Today I wear Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lipgloss in Stunner. This gloss is a bright magenta color in the tube. It’s a super moist but not sticky lipgloss that has a good amount of shine and color on lips…I LOVE it! This color happens to be enough of a pop of color for me and because I have a bit of a plum tone to my lips already, this looks like a sheer pop of berry on me! Cheers!

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Lonely

20 May

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Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

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Smile

13 May

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Last week I was in Seattle working a display booth for my company. I was there almost the entire week with a few co-workers and thousands of strangers from different countries. It was a long week spent talking and smiling but a couple of awesome things happened. On the first day I stumbled upon a Facebook post from a good friend and former co-worker who I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. We have kept in touch off and on over the years and when I arrived in Seattle we both realized we were working at the same conference for different companies, what are the chances of that? Seattle also happened to be the same place where we met! Anyhow, we scheduled a dinner together on one of our free night and were able to catch up on our lives, families, and where our careers have led us since being ‘down-sized’ 10 years ago. It is always so great to see and touch base with old friends; a great reminder of how time flies and how different people continually come in and out of our lives at different times.

Another great thing that came to my attention while seeking the magic, once again, was the power of eye contact and a smile. Literally with thousands of people around and hundreds of display booths, people appeared to not want to be bothered. Now I’m not saying there were people who were rushing to get from one place to another, but most people, no matter what country they were from, would stop to talk with just a friendly greeting, a smile, and eye contact. I had several great conversations both business and in general, and overall, people left with an ‘easier’ demeanor and a smile. ‘Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of  love’~Mother Teresa. Sometimes we only get one moment to make a positive impact on someone’s life, don’t you want people to walk away from you with a positive experience? Yes, a smile crossed all language barriers last week. People like contact with other people, they want to talk to someone who will listen and make them feel important, if even for a moment.

Today I wear Tarte LipSurgence Skintuitive Lip Tint in Energy. Now, you all know I love Dior Addict Lip Glow because it feels like a balm but brings out a natural pink shade of your lips, but this Tarte Lip Tint absolutely rivals that! The Tarte Lip Tint brings out a deeper and bolder berry color in my lips and as you know, Tarte has no parabens, phthalates, etc..I think the Dior Addict is more moisturizing but they are both beautiful and since they bring out your natural color, the color is always right for you! Cheers!

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Your Voice

28 Apr

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Last Tuesday I sang once again at the World Voice Day celebration sponsored by my doctor and a local hospital. It was another incredible night listening to singers and musicians from the local area. This event is always emotional for me because not only is it a celebration of the voice (which I’m so grateful to still have after all of the cancer, surgeries, and radiation), but it’s a chance to listen to other singers who have overcome different ‘vocal adversities’ and are also grateful to still have their voices. This was my fifth year singing and not only did I sing a solo, but also, last minute, sang a duet with my physician. Standing on the stage reminded me of how far I’ve come and how the voice is so fragile; every year I was either recovering or in the middle of treatment for cancer, this year, I was celebrating being cancer free, still having one vocal cord working, and yes, I cried like a baby after getting a standing ovation for my solo. You can see some of my previous Voice Day moments by clicking on the links on the side of my blog.

Saturday I ran in a 5K to benefit the local Leukemia and Lymphoma Society chapter. It’s very difficult to run because of my vocal cord situation and my impaired breathing but it gives me a sense of control over my body and it reminds me that despite the difficulty, I still can. This particular race I ran with a bit of a heavy heart. I have two good friends whose loved ones are currently in treatment for lymphoma; one a boyfriend, one a husband, both still young. Another close friend whose dentist noticed a lump in her neck, got results from her CT scan detecting a mass in her neck which will now be biopsied next week. Life is so fragile and as I ran with survivors, caregivers, patients, it struck me how people all around us have significant events weaving through their lives. My heart hurts for those struggling but also beats hard to be able to make a difference and to make my life matter.2013-04-27 09.50.23

At the end of the Voice Day celebration, a few people who currently had no voices came up to me and thanked me for my story. Again my heart hurt because I knew their struggle and felt their pain, but it also brought back memories of when I had no voice. Our voices and our stories are powerful, no one has the same ones. Why do we go through adversities, pain, and triumphs? To share our stories and to give people hope.  If you are blessed to still have your voice I encourage you to share your stories, pain and all, because you never know who may need to hear it.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Sheer Lip Color in Pink Blossom which is actually red/orange…not really pink despite the name. I LOVE these lipsticks because although they are called sheer, they have lots of color. They are extremely moisturizing and not heavy! I chose this color because, well, it brightens my day! Cheers!

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Friends

18 Apr

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Last weekend I spent some time with two friends I hadn’t seen for almost 17 years. We met when they were both young moms and I was just a newlywed. For about 5 years these girls and I met at least once a week sometimes 3-4 times, we shared struggles, vulnerabilities, lots of laughter and life. I was the first to move away (which was extremely difficult at the time), Dawn and her family was next to move, while Leanna stayed in the same area with her family. Thanks to Facebook and email, we have been able to keep in touch here and there and I have been able to watch their families expand and grow in every Christmas card I received. This year we finally took the extra step to coordinate our busy schedules to get together for a weekend in Chicago and I am so glad we did. We looked a little bit older, but our friendship seemed to start exactly where it left off. I still felt the closeness we shared years ago and we were able to talk as mothers and wives sharing laughter and tears. It was so refreshing to be able to let go and be authentic with good friends who share the same faith and whom I trust wholeheartedly. Friends like that are few and far between and I feel blessed.photo

Isn’t that what we lack these days? Life can get so busy and those kind of deep relationships take time. When you throw in the complexities and insecurities of women, it makes it even more difficult. Here’s the disconnect, those are the kinds of relationships people crave, right? I know I do. How do we get there? Time, yes, but also trust. I have met many people these days who require one to earn their trust, what if that never happens because there’s no time? I choose to trust first. It may be the wrong approach and it may leave me heartbroken but I can’t live any other way. How can relationships get deeper if no one wants to hold out their hand and be vulnerable? That’s my challenge to you and to myself also, take a chance on people, we need each other.

Today I wear MAC Sheen Supreme lipstick in Insanely It. These are probably the most moisturizing of the MAC lipsticks; somewhere between a lipstick and a gloss. They have lots of color and yet because of the consistency, it can be worn sheer. When I first saw this color which looks like a bright hot pink I thought there was no way it would look good on me. Surprisingly, I love it and I know it will be a favorite through spring and summer! So yes, the name is accurate, this hot watermelon pink is Insanely It!  Cheers!

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Results Part 2

9 Apr

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Today is the day. Earlier, I got the call from my doctor with the news I had been waiting for; benign, negative, no cancer detected. After a questionable result in my bloodwork in January, arguing with insurance to get a PET scan then finally getting one in March; finding inflammation on that PET scan which my doctor thought was breast cancer, having a mammogram last week…today was the day I got the call. I am officially cancer free (for now)! I asked about the reason for the abnormal bloodwork…’not sure,’; how about the lymph nodes in my breast area and armpit…’could be a number of different things.’ Oh well, today, like every day, life moves forward and I wait another 6 months for my next round of tests.

Here’s the strange thing, after constantly getting bad news over the years, I had conditioned my mind for the bad. Hearing the good today made me feel a little odd. I was not ecstatic, I felt that ‘hesitant’ happy. I still feel that way now so I guess I need it all to sink in and stew for awhile. Last week I came to the realization that this is my life, my ‘new normal’ is how post cancer patients call it sometimes. I don’t know if there will be a day when simple aches and pains, a cough, a sore throat, a swollen lymph node, etc will not remind me that it could be cancer. I don’t know if there will be a day that passes by without me wondering if I have a cancer cell floating around my body waiting to explode and start growing. But for today, my doctors and my mind tell me I am cancer free so I will continue moving forward seeking the magic.Anna2013

Today I wear YSL Rouge Volupte Shine lipstick in Rouge in Danger which is a deep red. This is not quite a lipstick but has lots more color than the Sheer Candy formulations. I love the YSL lipsticks and glosses. They have full on moisture and feel luxurious on the lips, not to mention the fact that they have beautiful packaging. I chose this color because it’s red and bold, exactly how I want to be! Cheers!

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