Impact

30 May

“Moments of impact…these moments of impact define who we are. Each one of us is the sum total of every moment we’ve ever experienced with all the people we’ve ever known and it’s these moments that become our history. Our own personal greatist hits of memories that we play and replay in our lives over and over again.” From the movie The Vow

I watched the movie The Vow the other day, total chick flick by the way, and this was one of the quotes. After the main character said it (which is pretty much in the beginning of the movie), it made me think of all the people in my life and all those moments of impact, good and bad. It is a greatest hits list because it has somewhat made me who I am today. There was the high school teacher who made me love chemistry, the other high school teacher that told me I was a great singer and supported and encouraged me throughout high school and even beyond. My first boss out of college who not only told me I was smart but also said I was classy and that was why he hired me (I was 21 for goodness sakes but then I had to continually live up to that). More recently with cancer over the years, my last surgeon at U of M who said ,’We’re going to take care of this once and for all.’ My voice team who never stopped believing in me, who never stopped calling me a singer and who pushed me and gave me confidence to even try to continue singing, and of course all the people praying and supporting me through the most difficult of times. All the stories I was told and e-mailed from others, so many moments of impact in my life, so many greatest hits.

I think we often wonder who we really are, who our true self is. What is at our core? Are we the same person on the outside as we think we are on the inside? I have always been secretly stubborn. If someone told me I probably couldn’t do something, my mission was to prove them wrong, now I know my limitations. To some extent we are molded by what people think of us, say to us, expect from us. We are also molded by all of those experiences and how we react to them. What I know is that no one can write our book for us, every day is a blank page ready to be written. I want to be myself in and out, authentic. I want more moments of impact but I also want to provide moments of impact for others. Dont you? How? Be encouraging, be loving, be honest and say what’s in your heart, live open-handedly….it comes back ten fold.

Today I wear YSL Rouge Pur in #9, Rouge Laque. First, I have to say that I hate lipsticks that have a number as it’s primary name. Part of the fun for me is the lipstick color names, oh well. These particular YSL formulations are quite revolutionary. They’ve been written up in all the magazines so of course I had to try. They are a stain that shines like a gloss. Most long lasting stains dry out my lips, this is not much different. What I love is the color and shine which are both extremely intense but since it’s generally drying on me, I found that if I put balm on first, the color still lasts, or, if I wear it over a lipstick, that works too. Overall, it’s GORGEOUS. I chose #9 because it of course is red. Live life, make an impact!

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Dreams

22 May

‘Sometimes the life God dreams for us take a lifetime to come to pass. Great lives that are born out of great dreams often come through great sacrifice and great suffering. Our dreams, the ones God places inside us, are a foretaste of our destiny. ‘ from the book Wide Awake by Erwin McManus

I’ve been reading this book a little at a time and this phrase is pretty much in the beginning. When I first read it it made me both happy and sad. For as long as I can remember, my dream has always been to sing on a stage. Not for fame and fortune in the pop world like Whitney or Madonna, but more just because I love it. I love the stage and ever since watching Annie back in 1978, that has been my dream and my passion. Fortunately for many years I was able to do this, in high school, college, church, radio, and even once on a Broadway stage…singing for me was like breathing, it came so easy.

I have always loved music. Unfortunately, cancer has tried to take my voice away. After my first surgery my right vocal cord was paralyzed and I lost my voice completely for a period of time. I had a good friend come over after I came home from the hospital. She was crying when she asked, “Why would God who gave you the gift of song, allow cancer to take it away?” Back then I didn’t think of it that way, I was just concentrating on living (since I was given a bad prognosis at the time). As months passed though, I definitely did grieve but I knew there had to be a better and bigger plan for my life. Since then it’s been a challenging four and a half years, and my dreams have adjusted a little. Miraculously I am still able to sing (minus one vocal cord) and funny,  it’s still like breathing, because now, both are a little more difficult. I still dream about the stage but I also have new dreams. I dream that I can someday speak to many and tell them my story, I dream that I will have my own lipstick line to go with the book (it may happen soon, I’ll keep you posted), I dream I can run more, and finally I dream of having a long healthy life of impact and seeing my kids grown with families of their own. It’s funny how God places new dreams in our hearts along the way. Like the author says, ‘great lives are born out of great dreams’.

Today I wear Jane Iredale PureGloss in Cherry Sparkle. I actually purchased this at a spa on our mini-vacation this past weekend (couldn’t come home without a new lipstick)! Anyhow, Jane Iredale cosmetics are all natural so I had to try…I have to say this gloss is not sticky and pretty long lasting. Cherry Sparkle is sheer red with a small amount of sparkle. I chose it for today because, well, it’s red and who couldn’t use a little sparkle? Write down your dreams, what’s stopping you?

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Guilty Pleasure

14 May

Howdy! This week’s prompt for my blogging goup GBE2 is ‘Guilty Pleasure’.  When I saw that I thought…just one?  I have so many. Let’s start with the obvious, lipstick. Yes, this blog is called lipstick journey for a reason.  I have loved lipstick for so long, well since college, and now that I am in my 40’s, that makes it 20+ years.  I buy and wear lipstick based on my mood. Those closest to me (mainly my women friends) can tell what kind of mood I’m in based solely on the color of lipstick I’m wearing when they see me. I probably buy on average a lipstick a week, so this is guilty pleasure #1.

For Mother’s Day my kids got me a chocolate bouquet. That’s right, not flowers, a bouquet made of chocolate bars…they know me so well. Chocolate is guilty pleasure #2. I have to have some type of chocolate every day, even if it’s dessert after breakfast. I’ve tried to cut back but why? More and more research says that a little chocolate (like wine) is good for you! While we’re on the sweets…junk food in general is guilty pleasure #3. I absolutely love french fries, potato chips (mainly plain and BBQ), walking tacos (chili over Fritos…so good), well, you get the idea…a little sugar (chocolate) needs a little salt.

I have a few other guilty pleasures but I’ll leave it at that, the list could get dangerous. Looking at the list I just posted I decided that they are just pleasures, I have no guilt. HA! Today I wear Nars lipstick in Jungle Red. It is a semi-matte bright red (a little drying, wear lipbalm underneath and a clear gloss or lipbalm on top). Yup, feeling a little feisty!

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Dear Mom

12 May
Mom with two of my kids

Mom with two of my kids

Dear Mom,

I would not be the woman and mother today if I had not had you as an example and encourager. You and dad changed your whole life and left everything and everyone you knew by coming to America so that your children could have a better life. Instead of using your degree in nutrition, you were offered a job as a social worker which you took in order to help support the family, then you stayed until retirement. When I was young you were there. Although you worked full-time you never missed a dance or piano recital, parent teacher conference, or any other activity in which a child would wish to have a parent there. You taught me perseverance. In Junior High, when I was shy and didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, I asked you to send me to the Philippines to live because at least I knew we were all the same. You were wise and told me to get involved in everything I thought I would like and if after a year I still wanted to go, you would send me. After a year of Student Council, Yearbook Committee, Basketball, and track among other things, I didn’t want to leave…thank you for pushing me. When I didn’t feel pretty, you sent me to etiquette school and entered me into a beauty contest hoping the judges saw what you saw, beauty inside that radiated out; they did, but when I won and different mothers were protesting, you told me to stand proud and confident. You were there to help me with my first heartbreak in high school, to put my hair up for prom, to attempt to teach me how to cook, etc. When I got cancer, although I know you were devastated, you were strong for my family.

Today I am a mom and I thank you for all the lessons and most of all the love. I love you!

Mom and Mom-in Law with AJ

Dear Diana,

One of the best parts of being married to Tony is that I inherited you as a mother-in-law. When Tony announced we were engaged, you threw a surprise engagement party and welcomed me with open arms. Despite the fact we’ve never lived closer than three hours, you have always been available. With the birth of each child, you were there. When cancer hit, you practically moved in to help with anything and everything. You have shown me a servant’s heart and have been a shining example of a woman of faith. You have helped me understand Tony more through the different stories from his youth. You have encouraged me and prayed for me and I am forever grateful and proud to be a part of your family. I love you!

“Mama was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and fearlessness. If love is sweet as a flower, then my mother is that sweet flower of love.” – Stevie Wonder

Today I wear Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lip gloss in Sparkplug. These lipglosses are sheer with high shine and high moisture. Sparkplug is a sheer mauvey pink easily worn alone or to add a little pink to any color. I chose it for the name because both my mom and mom in law are energetic and ‘sparkplugs’ which blazed the trail for me! Happy Mother’s Day!!

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Insomnia

8 May

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. Do you ever feel like there’s not enough time in the day?  I read a quote last week which said, “Sky Above, Earth Below, Fire Within.” That statement really impacted me because that’s how I feel after cancer. I have a fire within to make some type of difference. With my voice still intact despite all the surgeries, radiation treatments, and the loss of one vocal cord, I feel like I might have something to say. With my new found passion for writing, my book, my blog, etc, I feel I may have lots more I need to write. With the people my job allows me to meet and those currently in my life, I feel the need to hear people’s stories because there are so many, and do what, write them down? All the stories, all the backgrounds help me appreciate my own and make me a richer more loving person. With my new found health and passion for life I feel I might be preparing for something to do…I just don’t know what.  All I know is that I’m awake and at times, overcommitted, and add to that all the lipstick…it’s just crazy.

What do you do when you have a burning passion to do something and don’t know which direction to take because you’re not exactly sure what that passion is? ‘To make a difference’ sounds too broad right? I’m curious, really, what do you do? Yes I know I spoke about purpose in my last blog and I still believe that people are the purpose for where we are. For me though, after all this cancer junk, at the end of the day it’s hard for me to sleep because it’s another day, another 24 hours, gone and I’m just wishing I could have done more with that time…. another risk, another phone call, another letter, whatever, just more. I guess for now, I will pray and go about my days with eyes and arms wide open. Eyes open for whatever may lie ahead. Arms wide open to people.  Notice anything with the picture above? There are two rainbows…don’t miss the moments.

Today I wear Dior Addict Ultra lipgloss in Flash which I’m sad to say was a limited color a few months ago ( a close relative would be Outrageous Fuscia or Sari Pink). What I love about the Dior lipglosses is they are so moist and not sticky. They add a hint of color and are beautiful.  Right now, they are my favorite lipglosses. I chose the color Flash because the name reminds me that life goes by so quickly!

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Purpose

4 May

I have had a crazy but amazing week. I’ve actually felt a little overwhelmed since completing that race I spoke about in my last blog. One of the most universal questions is “What is my purpose?”  In other words, “Why am I here?”  I ask myself that all the time. Of course, since I am a Christian I believe God put each of us here for a purpose beyond ourselves and He equipped us with specific gifts and talents to fulfill that purpose. In our own human-ness we, at least I, end up equating that with career vs calling. Am I called to be a sales rep or am I just passing time before I find my true purpose?

Well, this week some amazing things happened that helped me understand the answer. Again, this is my viewpoint. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be for now. Yesterday I visited an office I hadn’t been to for a couple of years. I went with a friend just to say ‘hello’ to my old customers. I had only called on them a little over a year before getting laid off so I wasn’t really sure if they would even remember me or how they felt about me. When they saw me, I was overwhelmed by the welcome or I should say, welcome back. One of the customers even led me to a back hallway where there was a whiteboard which said, “Anna Warner, My Lipstick Journey Through Cancer.” He said it had been up there for over a year and he tells everyone to read my book. All this from people I didn’t think would really remember me.

So here’s my thing, purpose is about the people. Yes, I will probably always struggle with the days of wondering about my job, but no matter what I’m doing or where, it’s about relationships. I got cancer which obviously was not part of my plan, but I have met so many people who have impacted my life in so many ways; some really deep and everlasting relationships. I only hope I have done the same for them. Former strangers, now friends. I believe there are no accidents and people come in and out of our lives for a reason; whether it’s to teach us to love more, to be more compassionate, or even to break our hearts and make us stronger. In the end, my heart overflows and I can barely contain it. It’s ok, I don’t want to. I think sometimes when we are searching and questioning where we should be or what we should be doing, we miss where we are. I am sitting smack dab in my ‘purpose.’ Sit for 5 minutes and think about where you are, think about all the people in your life. We all make decisions good and bad that lead us in different directions. I try not to have regrets. This is life.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lip Color in Pink Ballet. First of all, I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks. This formula is extra creamy because it has shea butter in it. The color is a soft pink which is appropriate for spring and summer and Bobbi colors are pretty much universal. I chose it because I love music and I am also a dancer. I danced through my youth and even through college. We live our purpose daily but if we can infuse our passion too, well, the skies the limit!

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I Ran

29 Apr

Yesterday I ran in a 5K race (3.1miles). This might seem insignificant to some, but for me it was a milestone, a miracle. My cancer surgeries and treatments have made it very difficult to participate in any type of cardiovascular activity because of my difficulty breathing. For those who don’t know, one of my vocal cords is paralyzed and because of scar tissue from three surgeries and external beam radiation along with swallowing I-131 radiation, my other vocal cord sits close to the other and moves a little slower. Picture drinking through a straw…lots of liquid. Now squeeze the straw so that it’s only open less than half the width, not much liquid can pass through and it’s that much more difficult to suck liquid in. That is how I breathe because my opening is less than half of a normal person’s. Without activity, I breathe just fine; but when I’m doing something active like running, I have to take at least twice as many breaths just to get air into my lungs. It’s a whole process of taking shorter faster breaths to keep going. Six months ago I could barely walk a mile on a treadmill without having to slow down and try to catch my breath, yesterday, I ran 3.1 miles. Now, I do have to say there were periods of walking, but a lot less than I thought. In fact, I finished 80th out of 134 in my age group (I pictured being last but finishing nonetheless). As I crossed the finish line, I could not help but break down and cry. It was a run for health, and faith, and for me, after four long years of fighting, it felt like a first step of trusting my body again, or as a quote I read on another cancer blog, ‘honoring a goal after a sea of disappointment’. I felt and still feel great! Of course I couldn’t do it alone. My friend Frances was there to encourage me and coach me through all the way. I knew this was something I wanted to do eventually and she helped lead me and keep me committed to this race (of course, there were times I wanted to back out).

After all the struggles with cancer and consequently my voice and my breathing, I can say that I can talk, sing, and run. Not without some struggles, but I feel blessed. Thank you to Frances and to all my friends and family that have helped and encouraged me. Thanks also to all of you who follow my lipstick journey!

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural in N47. It’s red and moisturizing….it is the red lipstick I was wearing when I crossed the finish line!

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Behind The Smile

24 Apr

Last week I had a routine exam with my radiation oncologist.  Unlike my other doctor appointments I see him at the hospital instead of an office or clinic. These appointments are especially emotional because I am back in the hospital in the same area/waiting room where I waited every day for seven weeks to get zapped with radiation for a half an hour. Looking around the lobby you see the same thing. All kinds of people, different colors and ages, with different types of cancer waiting their turn. Usually they are there with a caregiver, some are there alone. I couldn’t help but feel for them, especially the really young and the really old. Radiation is no walk in the park. It’s difficult and painful and near the end, it takes all your strength away. I tried to make eye contact and smile at everyone, but there was so much sadness and fear. I sat there very thankful that I was there for a routine check up and nothing else, but the crowded room always takes my breath away.

I also got the chance to meet with a couple girlfriends of mine over lunch (two different friends, two different meetings). They are very similar in current ‘life’ situations. Both excelling in their careers, both young(ish), and both single moms. If you saw either one of them they would be the ones that look put together, always social, always smiling and accomodating. What makes them miles different is their stories up to this point and what’s behind the smile. One has had outstanding family support and love throughout and one has not. One is confident in who she is and believes she can move forward confidently and one questions if her decisions have been right, she even has difficulty forgiving herself despite the support of her friends. We are so molded by our histories, they affect how we look at life and ourselves. When you talk to people and question how they are why they are, first ask them where they came from.

What’s behind a smile? In the waiting room, I was smiling, but inside I was sad for those around me and overcome with emotion at how far I’d come. Behind one friend’s smile was hope and excitement for the future, my other friend had uncertainty and sadness behind her smile. Yesterday we got the news that a 14 year old relative passed away. He had many friends and did well in school but no one knew what was behind that smile. Love people, listen to their stories, love your kids and tell them often. We all need validation and care.

Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick on Prayer. This lipstick is a mauvey-brown color which pretty much any skintone can wear…very neutral. This particular formula from Kat Von D is rich in color and fairly moisturizing; it also lasts a very long time! I chose this color today mainly because if the name (although I do have this one in my bag for everyday). I lift up in prayer all those who are hurting behind their smiles.

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Now

16 Apr

This week’s word for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘now’. So I am going to write everything that happens to be going through my mind right now. I have a really good friend going through a divorce and I’m so sad for them and their family. It happens to be a family we’re close to and have even vacationed with and we are stunned to say the least. I’m sad because another good friend found out last week that her husband has cancer. Like us, they have three kids and I know first hand how hearing the word cancer affects not only you, but the whole family. I’m sitting here wondering why the world seems like it’s upside down and crazy. I’m wondering if I am in the job that I’m going to be in for the rest of my life. It’s not horrible, but is that it? After 21 years, I guess it is, but it makes me a little sad because after cancer I feel there is so much more. I’m wondering what activities the kids have this week, what time, and who’s driving. I’m wondering if I have to cook dinner again tomorrow or if we have enough leftovers from tonight.  I’m wondering if I really want to exercise tonight even though I know that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose my stride and it will be an uphill battle to start up again. I’m wondering when the wind will die down. I’m wondering if my difficulty breathing is due to the extreme changes in weather and my allergies or if it’s something else. I’m wondering what my day with my boss is going to be like tomorrow. I’m wondering how many inches I should cut off my hair on Thursday.

Ok, that’s all. my mind is obviously wound up and filled with emotion, sorry for the rambling. I guess I should go to the gym. Right now I am wearing Dior Addict Lip Glow (yes, another Dior). It is by far one of my most favorite lip products. It feels like a balm and brings out the natural pink color of your lips and yes, it actually adds color to your lips based on your chemistry, temperature…who knows, who cares, it’s awesome!

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Home

14 Apr

This summer I will be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. I actually got married young by today’s standards, one year after graduating college (he graduated ahead of me). For the first few years of marriage, we were commuters. I had an apartment in Indiana where I was placed for my first job, and he was in Chicago for medical school. People have asked why we didn’t just wait until he was done instead of only seeing each other on weekends for the first few years. Well, we were young and in love and that’s well, what else is there to say? Anyhow, it was a honeymoon every weekend and we did wait 6 years to have our first child. Since the beginning of our marriage we have had 10 different addresses in three states (I am also counting the two addresses he had while in school since I would visit and it would be our home for the weekend). 3 of the homes we had built from the bottom up, 1 of the homes was a ‘spec’ home which means it was half done, we chose the rest, 1 was a builders model home, and today’s house was an older home that we have put blood, sweat, and tears into in re-doing each room, one by one. Our first child had gone to three different schools by the time he was in second grade and my other two experienced the stress of remodeling our current house while also dealing with my cancer. It has been quite the ride and today, we have had the same address for 7 years, the longest we have stayed anywhere. Sometimes I am jealous of some of my friends who got married and put roots down somewhere and never moved but I don’t think I would change things, it’s what I know.

This week my cousins and aunt are visiting from California and the Philippines. I haven’t seen my cousin from the Philippines in almost 30 years (I think we look the same, like no time has passed). It reminded me of the journey my parents took 40 years ago leaving friends and family with a 3 year old (me) to start a better life for the generations to come. It was a huge move away from all they knew, from their home. What is a home? You’ve heard the cliche’ “Home is where the heart is”. For me that’s true. If I were Dorothy in Oz and clicked those red shoes three times, they would bring me to my home; not defined by a city, state, or address, but solely defined by where my family happens to be. The upside from all the moves is that I don’t get attached to things (even though I don’t think I really ever have). I don’t get attached to homes, or stuff for that matter. The slight downside is that it has become harder for me to get attached to people because in the back of my mind I’m thinking about our next move. The invention of Facebook of course has changed that dramatically because I can now reconnect and stay in touch with all the people in my life past and present and I’m thankful. Through the moves I have met some incredible people and lifelong friends. When cancer came I cannot think of one person past or present that did not reach out to me. I reiterate this, sometimes we just have a moment to impact someone in either a positive or negative way…make it count.

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick In New York. I love Dior lipsticks and this is a pinky brown which is quite easy to wear with anything. New York is the place I thought I would be living (because of my Broadway dreams) but have only gone to visit. Life takes us along many different paths and I never look back. Home IS where the heart is.

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