Tag Archives: breathing

Picture Perfect

26 Jan


Over the holidays I received lots of family pictures, you know, the new trend of sending the picture postcard? Everyone’s happy, smiling, perfect. I heard the other day that relationships, like these pictures, always look good and pretty on the outside, but sometimes the picture is not always what it seems. What’s easier for people to see? Obviously the pretty, but people’s lives are never truly picture perfect are they? They’re messy and complicated sometimes. Over the past several months to a year, I have been referring to a personal issue in my life that I have been navigating through outside of cancer. I read this quote ‘I know of nothing more valuable when it comes to the all important virtue of authenticity then simply being who you are.’~Charles Swindoll. Last week I wrote about a shift that had occurred in my life, a death and a birth; last week I became a divorced woman and a single mother. I’m sure many of you are surprised and I will not go into details, but it was not something done lightly. If you have been reading my blog for some time, you know me fairly well by now. I am a survivor. I was asked by a couple people this past week who my safety net was, who I was ‘gunning’ for, and my response was quick, no one, there is nobody else. I am finally aiming for me; my safety net is God. Like I said in my blog a few weeks ago, no one knows what happens behind closed doors and I will leave it at that. Now, I move forward with even more strength, courage, and hope for a beautiful future. I hope you stay with me in my complicated journey called life. One more quote,‘We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be’~ Mary Sarton.

So here I am, trying to be authentic and unapologetically me.

No lipstick today, just me 🙂

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Shift

18 Jan

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There are certain events in life, both good and bad, that cause a shift in the way you see the world; your first kiss, the birth of a child, reaching a goal, and even a death of a loved one. These shifts can happen years apart or continually, fast and furious. The past few years for me have been the latter, fast and furious. Between cancer, my book, reaching certain goals, the death of my friend, deepened friendships, and even certain new people that I have met, all of these things have been one after another constantly changing my perspective and even showing me even more how awesome and beautiful this world is and the people in it. This past week I had another major shift happen in my life. Without going into great detail at this time, this shift brought feelings of both a death and a birth; the sadness and grief you experience from death coupled with the warmth, joy, and peace after a birth. My day ended with my view of the world being simple and beautiful despite the freezing temperatures and snowfall. An overriding theme to all these shifts is hope.

I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.” ― C. JoyBell

I love this quote because if you recall from my 25 Things.. post, I love beautiful things that fly (not bugs), butterflies, hawks, eagles…because they look so free. Life never guarantees us an easy road but there’s always hope. Today is exactly the time between what’s already been and what’s yet to come so all we can do is live, learn, then move forward. With every shift I have learned different lessons and I welcome them. All I know for now, is that I will continue to live with breathless anticipation and hope, always open to whatever change comes next.

Today I wear Marc Jacobs Lust for Lacquer Lip Vinyl in No Regrets. These full coverage lipglosses are amazing! They have full on color and they are fairly long lasting. A friend and I sorta went nuts at Sephora trying all of these on. Although I bought Fame, No Regrets (which is red) is next. I chose it today for the name. No matter what choices, or paths we take we can learn from them and move forward, regrets are a waste of time. Cheers!

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Behind the Door

8 Jan

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This has been an interesting week. It started with being buried in the snow and being trapped in my own house. Then, a friend called and told me that she is going through some tough times. I offered my home and listening ear to her so she has been staying here while sorting things through. Sitting and listening to her situation while also considering mine, there is one thing I know for sure…no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Going through all that I have gone through including the cancer, I was surprised, yet, not really. So much happens in people’s lives and unless you are walking in their shoes, you really don’t know. My neighbor who read my book awhile back told me that she didn’t realize all I had gone through with the cancer and said, ‘I had no idea, there’s so much that goes on behind closed doors,’ She’s right. So what should we do? What can we do? We can be present to those who are in our lives. We can listen and be supportive. We can only give advice based on our personal experiences and journeys, but we can’t expect them to feel the same way or to listen to our advice because again, they are walking their own path. Lastly, we can’t judge, it’s not our place, and the last time I checked, the seat at God’s right hand was already taken. I heard this song by Coldplay this morning and thought about my friend. Here is a link to a sweet ukelele cover of Coldplay’s Fix You. As much as I want to help her ‘fix’ her situation, it’s not my place. I will simply open my home, my heart, and listen. I do want to say thank you to all my awesome friends and family who have been there for me throughout my path with homes, hearts, and listening ears. I am forever grateful. I took all these pictures of doors in Europe because not only were they beautiful, but I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the truth behind the doors and within the walls. We’re all so different…it’s pretty cool to sit back and listen.2012-06-25 20.34.44
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Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick in Prayer. I really like these lipsticks because they are packed with color and are moisturizing at the same time. Prayer is kind of a mauvey-brown which is a great every day color for me and pretty much everyone else. I chose this color this time because I believe in the power of prayer and that is one thing we can definitely do for hurting people! Cheers!

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Christmas Memories

21 Dec

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Christmas always brings lots of memories; some great ones, and some not so great. Growing up in Detroit, I remember my parents waking me up as a young child to attend the historic Old St Mary’s Church in Detroit to go to midnight mass. What I remember about it (since I was so young) was that it was huge and outrageously beautiful. But I also remember the pews being hard as I fell back asleep on them during mass (oops, I was REALLY young). Anyhow, traditionally, we would go back home afterward and eat until dawn. Though the church location changed when we moved to the suburbs, that tradition carried on through high school, sometimes with only my family, and sometimes with friends coming to our house. I remember moments around Christmas like ice skating around the frozen fountain at Belle Isle, the Thanksgiving Parade, and shopping at the old Hudson’s in downtown Detroit.

The two most memorable Christmas’s to me were both significant moments in my life. The first was awful, 2009. It was the morning of Christmas Eve 2009 when I was at the hospital with my three girlfriends at 6am. They came with with me to support me during my PET scan to check on suspicious activity in my neck. At this point I had and beat cancer twice already with my last surgery just the September before. They came with me to sit for the three hours it took to finish. When I came out, two were sleeping in chairs in the waiting room and I’ll never forget how grateful I was they had taken time away from their families to be with me that day. At 4:00 the same evening my doctor called and I received the devastating news that indeed the cancer was back. He said, “Merry Christmas, I’m sorry.” The other Christmas I remember was in the 4th grade, I was 8 or 9 and we had just moved to the suburbs from Detroit. At this time my parents were both working and my dad had even worked two jobs to move us to a nicer area. That Christmas I wrote Santa a long letter. I remember writing a list of things I wanted and then adding things for my hard working parents. When I came downstairs Christmas morning, nothing from my list was on the fireplace. All that was there was a large (to me it was life-sized) yellow, stuffed dog. I remember being a little disappointed that Santa hadn’t brought the presents I asked for for me and my parents, but I loved that stuffed animal. It stayed with me for years! Looking back I now realize that we didn’t have a lot of money and my parents gave me the best they had. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

After cancer and life’s difficulties in general, Christmas along with every day is special. We were given the gift of Jesus on Christmas Day and that is the best gift. Every moment, every memory, every breath whether Christmas or the days after is icing on the cake. Today’s lipstick is my favorite red Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Merlot. Moisturizing, deep red. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!

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People

8 Dec

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Ok, I have a little writer’s block right now. Maybe because my week was ordinary? Or maybe my eyes were too focused on me and not seeking the extraordinary moments of every day? Nevertheless, a few significant things did happen this week in the world. There were two highly reported deaths in the news. The first was Paul Walker from The Fast and Furious franchise. People viewed him as too young, too handsome, too kind. He was one of those extremely private movie stars but as you listen to the stories, he was truly a nice guy; genuine, kind, authentic. There are stories of his charitable foundation and of his random, anonymous acts of kindness. On the other end of the spectrum, Nelson Mandela. He changed the world. He stood for democracy,freedom, harmony, and peace. The contributions he made to his people and society in general are far reaching. Then in my little world, my friend ‘B’-Bob was buried this week. I will never forget his impact on me and my life, let alone his family and friends. Although these three men come from all walks of life and had different ‘positions’ in the world, they all had significant contributions on people’s lives. Paul Walker, besides being an actor, he was a father and died on his way to an event of his organization to help the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. Nelson Mandela, his impact on people’s lives are too long to list. Bob, his love and support for me during a tough time will always be remembered and cherished. What do the three have in common, what will they be most remembered for? Their treatment of people. I found a really long quote from Maya Angelou. I was thinking of a way to take pieces from it, but I can’t. The whole thing sums it up perfectly, especially the last sentence:

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

Today I wear Ulta Tinted Lip Balm in Toast. I LOVE these! They are inexpensive, moisturize, and add color! Toast is a deep wine/red which provides enough color not to be crazy. I chose it for both the color and the name…toasting these three gentlemen and life! Cheers!

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The Future

3 Dec

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I have had a lot on my mind lately and it’s been hard to sort and filter through all of it. On the one hand, there are lots of cool and exciting things happening and I feel stronger than I’ve felt in a long time both physically and mentally. On the other hand, there’s a lot of change with a mix of fear and sadness. It’s quite the conundrum. It’s like ice skating (which I don’t do very well by the way) on thin ice. You feel your face in the wind and you see an awesome goal that you’re skating toward, yet, the ice is so thin that at any moment it could crack and suck you under; being on the verge of crazy laughter and tears at the same time. I can’t really explain but maybe you’ve been there….the crazy place between now and then, here or there, yesterday and tomorrow. Sheesh I’m getting deep….I don’t even understand myself. So what happens now? I guess it’s like I always say, something I remind myself and try to do every moment of every day…..live life. It starts getting crazy when you start thinking of the who, what, where, when, because I think that is when we try to control the circumstances. One thing I know, there are some things we can control but there are many, many things we can’t. So where does that leave me? I can’t change the past so I must look forward. I’m excited about what the future brings, but until then, I live and love one day at a time. Appreciating each day for what it is, because every tomorrow is the future.

Today I wear Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Naked. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about these lipsticks before but they’re awesome! They have lots of color and staying power and they are moisturizing on top of that! I chose this color because it is the perfect nudey-pink, not too brown, and not too blah. Plus the name…naked, just me moving forward one day at a time. Cheers!

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Honesty

22 Nov
Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography. Thanks Leanna!

Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography.
Thanks Leanna!

The other day I was at the grocery store. When I hit the bath soap section, I grabbed what I needed and a woman stopped me. She looked ok, dressed casually, honest eyes, smile….she asked which soap I thought was better and why I picked up the one I did. She went on to explain to me her skin type and told me the different soaps she’d already tried. Mind you, I had just gone to a 2 hour hot yoga class, therefore I was in yoga pants, sweatshirt, no make up…you get the idea, not my finest moment, but clearly I was not an employee of the store. I basically shared with her, I’m not picky about soap, I had a coupon. Well, she grabbed the same stuff. I told her I hoped she liked it and started walking away until she said, ‘Your face is so pretty and your skin is beautiful. What face wash do you use?’ Now it was getting weird. I told her the face wash and she asked me if I could walk her over to that section and show her exactly which one. At this point, I casually looked down at my purse to make sure it was zipped and really stared at her and her person to try to memorize it in case I had to fill out a police report later. I walked her over to the face wash and she started asking about skin type, why I use this, what about makeup remover, etc…eventually I cut her off and told her I really had to go. Strangely enough, the Dove Moisturizing Body Wash and the Aveeno Positively Radiant face wash was all she left with.

Walking to the parking lot (this was morning), I kept my eyes peeled for her, and when I got home I turned on my computer to check my credit card balance. Yes, that was a super strange interaction but thinking about it more big picture…we have become a society that doesn’t trust that easily. What happened to simply people talking and the kindness of strangers? On the news you see the stories of people who didn’t stop for the guy getting beaten up and on the other side though, the good Samaritan gone bad. It makes me sad that I was so ‘suspect’ of the friendly woman with the soap questions, but that has become our society. I know many people who have told me I’m too trusting and that they need people to earn their trust. I choose to trust first then get hurt later by dishonesty, maybe that’s the wrong way to do it, but I’d rather live open hearted. I think in the process of earning trust, you can close yourself off to possibly great relationships during that ‘test’ of trust. Conversely, trusting first can lead to bad heartache, especially when you believe in someone. Oh well, there’s no right or wrong I guess. I wish the times were different but I can’t change that, all I can change is me. Although I love social media, texting, cell phone, etc…I want to be that kind stranger, the one who is able to freely converse with whoever without expectation. Billy Joel sings, ‘Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue…‘ Sad, makes my heart hurt. We’ve lost human interaction, eye contact, and the vulnerability of being honest…let’s get it back!

Today I wear Flower Kiss Stick Velvet Lip Color in Tender Tuberose. Yes, I bought this from the store that day…This lipstick is moisturizing and inexpensive. I chose this color because it’s an easy, every day color and also for the name. Let’s be tender with each other. Cheers!

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25 Things You Don’t Know About Me

17 Nov

This past week on Facebook there has been a little game going on where you are assigned a number and you have to write the same number of facts about yourself that maybe most people don’t know. I think People magazine does the same thing called ’25 Things You Don’t Know About Me’. I thought today I’d try to do that for you guys about me. If you have been following my blog for some time you know the basics; I’m more of an introvert, I am a cancer survivor, I love lipstick, I love chocolate, I love music, and obviously from my last blog, I love Bruno Mars.  So here’s 25 things you may not know about me:

  1. I will never be a vegetarian, I am a carnivore…I love meat
  2. I am afraid of lightning
  3. I am allergic to cats, plus they freak me out a little because I feel like they know what I’m thinking when they look at me
  4. I’m claustrophobic
  5. I don’t like bananas (texture thing), but I do like them in smoothies or fried, Filipino style
  6. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin until now, I’m a dork
  7. I changed my major three times in college but still graduated in four years-going spring and summer too (music/dance, then business, aeronautical engineering, finally biomedical science/chemistry)
  8. Took the MCAT and the GRE thinking med school or PhD in Pharmacology. Ended up starting an MBA after GMAT and hating it (sorry for the expense mom and dad)
  9. I have a dream of opening a small boutique somewhere. I’m sure you can guess at least one item that would be in it. I even already have the concept and name…
  10. I’ve been in two beauty pageants to help me overcome my shyness, I won them both
  11. I delivered all three kids with no drugs
  12. I have kept a journal since 3rd or 4th grade
  13. Christmas is my favorite holiday but it makes me a little sad because I have memories of my dad listening to Christmas music and tearing up from missing his family in the Philippines (My parents left family and friends for the American Dream)
  14. I stole something in 2nd grade…guess what it was? A Chunky chocolate bar. Can’t really hide that in your pocket. My mom made me apologize to the store owner and I’ve never ‘shoplifted’ again
  15. I get carsick in the back of buses, vans, cars, etc
  16. I love seeing hawks, eagles, butterflies…beautiful things that fly; they just amaze me and look so free
  17. My parents bought me a car for college but never told me I needed an oil change. The transmission failed at 30,000 miles…oops
  18. I love peanut butter
  19. I don’t enjoy cooking but I love washing dishes
  20. I wrote fan mail when I was young to Joan Jett because I thought she was soooo cool (this was early 80’s, give me a break)
  21. I secretly love my dog
  22. I hate cold weather because I’m always cold
  23. I rarely buy anything full price
  24. I hate walking into a crowded room by myself
  25. I love to read and used to read maybe 2-3 books/week. I have not read an entire book since I started playing Candy Crush…sad, I know

Do we have anything in common? Today I wear something I buy repeatedly (which is rare when it comes to lip products); Dior Addict Lip Glow. It feels like a lip balm and when you put it on it basically enhances your natural lipcolor. I love it! It’s me, just better. Cheers!

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Bruno Mars

13 Nov

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This post is really random but I love Bruno Mars. Some things you already know about me…I love music, in college I started off as a music major with a dance minor, music is a huge part of my life. Maybe some things you don’t know about me…I’m usually not star struck, I don’t idolize people, and I’ve never been real crazy about a singular musician (minus the time I was president of the Harry Connick Jr fanclub). Ok, ok so I’m writing about Bruno because I have a slight chance to meet him in the near future (ahem, you know who you are, make it happen). So what is it about Bruno? It’s probably not what you think. So here’s my top reasons:

  1. He’s half Filipino (had to get that out of the way)
  2. He’s crazy talented; singer, songwriter, and plays a million instruments
  3. He looks like he’s having fun and loves what he’s doing (his moves aren’t bad either)
  4. He’s adorable (in a ‘he could be my son’ kind of way)
  5. He’s funny (anyone catch Saturday Night Live when he was on it)?
  6. He’s the ultimate entertainer
  7. He performs with such joy on his face I can’t help but smile
  8. He just seems so easy going and laid back

Now, I don’t know him at all, and I’m not attracted to him in a weird creepy way, I’m simply talking about his stage persona; I like what I see. How does that translate to real life? Those qualities are the same qualities in people I love being around; laid back, fun loving, and generally people who make me smile, or even better, laugh. I’m blessed to have lots of friends like this but more than that, I want to have those qualities too. Nothing better than bringing a smile to someone’s face.

Today I wear Tom Ford Lip Color in Crimson, a gorgeous deep red. Now, this is probably the most expensive lipstick I’ve ever bought, not to mention, I bought it in Paris a while back. Needless to say, I use it sparingly. Color’s great, texture’s great and if I do get to meet Bruno Mars, this will be in my bag!  Cheers!

 

 

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Weak

29 Oct

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Seriously, last week was one of the most crazy emotional weeks of the year. From getting the goodbye letter from ‘B’, to having to work the next day at not only the place we met,  but where I was the most sick, to hearing the good news about my cancer journey ending for awhile, to celebrating my birthday. Add to that a few other personal obstacles, and now I’m exhausted. I have no desire to repeat the plethora of events and emotions…ever. Do you ever feel your weakest when you’re supposed to feel your strongest? After running through my week with a friend, she commented on how she thought I was ‘amazingly strong,’ It’s funny to me to hear that because at the same moment, I feel incredibly weak. I think we all need to put that armor up because life is a lot like that arcade game where you hold a cushioned hammer and the gophers or moles continually pop up and you have to be ready to bop them back in to get points. The better you are at the game, the faster they come out. That’s life. You never quite handle it because things keep popping up. The minute you think you have the hang of it, things come at you faster. Part of me wants to just shelter myself with armor and walk away from the game. Keep that hard shell on and not get affected by people, events, emotions; it almost sounds easier. Instead, I keep playing. I keep being vulnerable, I keep taking one step at a time, I keep loving, leaving my heart open for either hurt or even better, getting love back. Yeah, I feel weak. I don’t think it’s only strength that we need anyway, sometimes life is simply about endurance to get us through the tough times. So that’s where I want to be, weak with an open heart to love, courage to face obstacles head on, and the endurance to work through all the yuck without giving up or wrapping myself back in armor; rolled together, that’s strength. One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength  which can overcome adversity.~Albert  Schweitzer

Today’s lipstick is Nars Fire Down Below. It is a semi-matte blood red lipstick. You can always count on Nars for great colors and great lipstick names. Since it’s a semi-matte, it is a bit drying to me but wow, talk about red! I chose this color because it’s red hot! Also, the name makes me blush. Which by the way, if you’re going to be wearing this lipstick or any bright red lipstick, keep the rest of your face simple.  Cheers to a new day!

 

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