Tag Archives: cancer

Heart or Paper?

7 Sep

Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography. Thanks Leanna!

Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography.
Thanks Leanna!


I think more than ever I have been in an internal conflict about purpose; what I should be doing, what I’m meant to be doing, and what I want to be doing. Part of it is age , and part of it is post-cancer putting an exclamation point on time. The average lifespan for females in Michigan varies from 77-80 years of age depending on which website you refer to, which means my life is more than half over. Sounds grim but the one thing we cannot change is that we all die at some point; and although many of us are committed to things which help us feel younger and look younger, we don’t actually get any younger. Anyhow, I listened to a great talk by a New York Times columnist and the question he posed was, ‘Should you live your resume’ or your eulogy?’ WHOA. What a question. As Americans, or maybe I’m just speaking for myself, we spend a whole lot of time working on our resume’ and making sure it looks good for the next job, employer, promotion, or even the public, but what do we want ‘listed’ in our eulogy? ‘She was in management’, ‘she got promoted quickly’, ‘she won president’s club several times’….I say no. We want (or at least I want), people to say I lived and I loved, I helped, and was a joy to have around, I made people feel things, and was a positive presence…

Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life~John Wooden

Here’s the conundrum…we all need to make a living, but at what price? Do we push ourselves to continue rising up the ladder, do we stay in a career because our resume’ shows we are good at it yet everyday wonder why we’re doing that very thing in the first place? A few blogs ago I talked about doing something you love or are passionate about every single day, even if it’s something small…that’s a start. It reminds you of who you are and who you are made to be. I guess I’m a bit confused (and probably really confusing to you), right now. My struggle is definitely not the resume’ and trying to achieve mega success by worldly standards, mine is actually wondering if passion and work can actually merge somehow or if the resume’ will continue to consume the passion bit by bit; what is written on paper vs. what is imprinted on your heart. Is it resume’ or eulogy? Eternal success in a finite world or eternal value, leaving a legacy? Can it be both?

Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.~Billy Graham

Today I wear Urban Decay Pulp Fiction Revolution lipstick in Mrs. Mia Wallace. I know, I know, I did UD last time but I had to write about this one. So, you know I love the Urban Decay lipsticks but this one is a deep red. It has been 20 years since the movie Pulp Fiction came out, I don’t remember much about the movie except for the dance scene with John Travolta, but I do remember the lipstick on the black haired Uma Thurman. This is a limited edition and it’s smokin’ hot. Live passionately! Cheers!

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Heart of an Artist

3 Sep

singing
I recently read an article which talked about a firefly and a butterfly. The point of it was that everyone loves the butterfly because it is outwardly beautiful; the colors, the patterns, the way it floats in the air, they get all the attention. The firefly on the other hand is more non-descript, not very recognizable until it lights up. The firefly’s beauty is on the inside and it chooses when to show it. I am not writing it as eloquently as the author of the article but reading it really impacted me. It was geared toward children and talked about artists, musicians, writers, book lovers, because these are the kids who are usually more introverted, not always understood, and who see things a little differently. They may not be as social or express things easily unless it’s through the written word, music, art…whatever their ‘language’, is. This was (is) me. Growing up I was the quiet one, shy, introverted, and not2013-04-23 21.06.16 exactly the popular girl (or butterfly) getting the attention…but turn on music and I was lost in it. The stage became my home because when the music started to play my heart would burst and it didn’t matter who was watching because I was in my own world. I felt every note, lyric, and rhythm deep in my soul. It still happens now, even on a smaller scale. In my car, in a restaurant, in a meeting; it’s very hard for me to focus if there’s music playing in the background and sometimes, something beautiful,a person, or event can turn a song on in my mind. Life is better with a soundtrack (or at least more interesting). Music and writing have always been my way of expressing myself and sometimes they have even brought out emotions I didn’t think I had.

Some months ago I met an artist on an airplane. I’ve never met anyone so passionate, so interesting, and whose brain never seemed to turn off. What was most beautiful is what I saw when I looked into his eyes and listened to him speak. There was an excitement for life and living, the desire to experience everything that life could possibly give; to taste it, to feel it, and to simply breathe it in. Life and people were his canvas; art, his language. I was inspired and walking away left me pearwanting more from life, feeling almost invincible, like I could do anything, or at the very least try. Recently I had the chance to catch up with him again and it wasn’t much different. I went to a couple galleries which housed some of his work, was introduced to another artist, and once again I was left wanting more from life. I saw the same drive, passion, and excitement, and saying goodbye left me a little sad; sad that maybe he’d take that light along with him.

There is a quote that says, ‘There are two ways of spreading light, to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.’

He told me I inspired him, but in this case, I think I was just the mirror. What’s beautiful about a firefly is that when it lights up, it becomes transparent; like the firefly, when artists express themselves you get a glimpse into their soul and his soul was beautiful. You can always find a beautiful face but beautiful souls are more difficult to find.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Today I wear Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Naked which is a nude/pink. You all know I love this lipstick because they’re moisturizing yet have lots of color. I don’t usually wear nude lipstick because well, I’m tan and they don’t show. This one has a little bit of pink so it’s great as an easy everyday color for me. I also like the name….we may not talk as much, but we always find ways to bare our souls! To all the artists, dreamers, and fireflies, here’s my soundtrack for you ….Cheers!

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Caregiver

31 Aug

BobandJudy
If you’ve been reading my blog awhile you’ll remember me writing about my radiation friend ‘B’ or Bob. If not, please read about him here before reading the rest of this blog. This past week I had an emotional conversation with his widow Judy almost a year after his passing about her role as his caregiver.

How long were you married? 26 years

Were you with Bob the first time he was told he had cancer? Of course. I was with him from the diagnosis to death. I took a leave of absence from work. I was with him 24/7.

How did you feel when you first heard he had cancer? The doctor spoke to me privately and told me I would be lucky to have him 6 more months. Bob and I never kept secrets from each other but this I kept secret. I didn’t want him to know because I wanted him to fight as hard as he could. It was very difficult.

Did you feel like you always had to be positive? Did he see you scared? We were there for each other. We both saw each other scared, we cried alot, but we were there for each other to comfort each other. I didn’t feel like I had to pretend being positive when I wasn’t.

Did you end up telling Bob about the original diagnosis, the 6 months? Yes. When he got his ‘cancer free’ status after radiation I told him what the first doctor said. Bob laughed, he felt he had a new lease on life but I still doubted. I had my doubts because of our family history of cancer so I encouraged him to take trips and pursue his hobbies. We went to Disneyworld shortly after radiation.

Did you have anyone to talk to during all of this? My family, but I kept things to myself.

How did you feel when he was told the cancer was back? That was bad. The doctor spoke to me privately and said ‘There’s nothing left we can do,’ followed by ‘you’re going to have to tell him because I have other patients’ then she walked away. I had to walk into the room and tell my husband he was dying. Bob was angry, not about dying, but because he told the doctor that if it was bad news, he wanted to be told first then he would be the one to tell me.

The story goes on from there, Bob got more sick and was hospitalized. I received a good-bye letter from him just weeks before his passing last year. The morning of his birthday Judy said he was told he could leave the hospital. The nurses and doctors got him a cake and balloons and he went home. She says he had a look of peace on his face so she knew and thought maybe he knew it was time too. Bob always had a ‘love’ signal to Judy during the times he couldn’t speak, he would punch his chest twice and point to her, which meant ‘I love you.’ Later that day, in their home, he started hemorrhaging. He did the ‘love’ signal and died just minutes later in her arms. I loved Bob and I love Judy. They were my angels, my support, and my family during the 7 weeks of radiation because I was mostly alone. Judy said throughout Bob’s cancer journey that time didn’t matter, it was day to day, minute to minute. Why do we wait to really live like this? We have no guarantees. No lipstick today, just me and my chapstick. Live life!
whiteflowers

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About A Boy

25 Aug

AJ
My son just turned 17 and is heading into his junior year of high school. We were talking the other day about what the year has in store for him: ACT/SAT testing, checking out colleges, sports, and of course more immediate on his mind, The Homecoming Dance. He was talking about what he’d like to wear and whose house he was taking the ‘bus’ from, and when I asked him about a date he said ‘what?’. Ah yes, one of those dreaded ‘date’ dances where girls wait patiently for boys to ask them. If you recall, I was not exactly the girl anyone would ask to dances when I was younger (a little geeky, alot shy); I always hoped and waited, but didn’t actually get asked until my senior year, oh well, I’m over it. It’s alot different these days and I think it’s better, less pressure. Now, a bunch of people get dressed up, meet at a house, take pictures, and get on a ‘bus’ and go together…boys, girls, mostly all friends with very few actual ‘couples.’ Anyhow, he ended up telling me that a girl (who has liked him a long time) asked to match him…what? He said this girl asked him what colors he was wearing because she wanted to match him and get pictures taken with him (like they’re a couple), then, he wouldn’t have to talk to her if he didn’t want to for the rest of the night. WHAT? First I thought she was pretty bold for asking, then I thought, why would she want to do that? Settle for the crumbs? Just want a pic then you don’t have to talk to me?2014-04-09 23.52.39-1

Dear daughter/sister/mom/girlfriend, you are special. Someone will love you exactly the way God made you. No need to beg, cry, change yourself, pretend to like things you don’t; no need to settle for the crumbs or less than the respect and love you deserve. As women, we serve naturally; we are nurturers, caregivers and sometimes we feel lost without someone taking care of us. We are strong. When what you love, what you do, and who you are, are not enough, then move on because truly… they are the ones not enough for you. Love yourself and rest in the knowledge that the One who created you loves you more then you can comprehend.You are beautiful.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine Hydrating Sheer Lipshine in Boy which is one of their all time best selling colors. This is actually my favorite formula in the Chanel lipsticks because they are hydrating and have just enough color. This is a very easy color to wear everyday; a pale pinky-brown…very neutral but not too nude if you know what I mean. I chose it partly because I love it and partly because of the name Boy. Is it always about a boy? Cheers!

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Unrealized Dreams

14 Aug

changing woman
Recently I was able to reconnect with a friend who I haven’t seen in probably three years. It was great because we were able to talk like no time had passed yet our lives were so different than they were 3 years ago. We talked and laughed and really marveled at how life can change so quickly. We talked about the future and about our dreams and what we would like to see; some things we had in common, some we just laughed about. Something I shared is the realization after cancer that you just never know what will happen tomorrow, so I try every single day to do one thing that brings me closer to a dream or goal.It certainly keeps me busy. She asked how I manage to do all the stuff I HAVE to do PLUS all the stuff I WANT to do…I kept my answer simple…one day, one moment at a time. If I don’t fit all of it in, I don’t sweat it, I just move on to the next day. Here’s another awesome thing I discovered, if you live with your eyes wide open to opportunity, sometimes yellow flowernew dreams make their way into your life. Remember when I wrote about watching roller derby? I watched because the minute I saw their booth at a local fair and spoke to a couple of the girls, I knew I wanted to be a part…enter new dream! See how it works? I’ve been talking about this with a friend for awhile and she recently shared with me that she decided to pursue her dream of riding horses! She said that by me talking about doing something new it pushed her to also do something she had always been interested in. Why not? What stops us? How and why do we forget some of the things we loved? We all have responsibilities; jobs, kids, etc. but if we don’t do a little something that reminds us who WE are every single day, we slowly start to lose a little bit of ourselves. Thankfully we are all created uniquely us; different, special, and beautiful.
me and jen
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.~H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Today I wear Urban Decay Pulp Fiction Revolution lipstick. This is seriously a hot red; dark, edgy, awesome! You all know I love Urban Decay lipsticks and this is no different. Lots of moisture plus lots of color…limited edition so get it while you can! I chose this color because it’s bold. Live your adventure! Cheers!

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Quiz

4 Aug

2013-07-09 01.53.39-1
Yesterday my daughter and I spent a solid hour doing those quizzes on Facebook. You know the ones I’m talking about? What superhero are you? What’s your true calling? Where should you really live? Which character are you in a movie? etc…Yeah, it was fun, but a small part of me actually thought ,’wow’, really? Like I was starting to believe it; and on some of them my daughter would try to change her answers to the questions just so she would get a ‘destiny’ or personality that was better suited for her. Here’s my point, there are a lot of things that shape us and our opinion of ourselves, how much do we allow external forces to tell us what kind of person we are. Answer? ALL THE TIME. Whether it’s some quiz, or a person, we take that information and we wonder if it’s true. I spent some time this past weekend meeting new people and reuniting with a few from my past and it brought back memories of who I was before. If you’ve been reading my blog awhile you know I was kind of a super-shy-introvert-artist-type who didn’t really think was that special in any way. Did I conform to the image that people thought? Probably, don’t we all? Here’s what I know now, we’re all special, we’re all quirky, and we all have zitgarbage…woohoo! Now that’s freedom. We are our own worst critic and if we keep listening to what people think or to what quizzes tell us who we are then we’re missing out. The people who want to be around you will stick around because they love your imperfect soul and see beauty anyway. The rest simply don’t matter. Trying to be someone or something else that God made us to be is exhausting and usually never enough. Here’s a couple great quotes:

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.~Marilyn Monroe

Absolutely ridiculous…I love it! I dare you to be yourself…funnest.time.ever. By the way…I’m Wonderwoman, a Rockstar, a genius who should be living in NYC, and Cinderella…but I already knew those things…haha.

Today I wear Urban Decay lipstick in Venom which is a bright plum. I have this lipstick in a few colors and I love them. There is a ton of color in these lipsticks and they are surprisingly moisturizing. I chose this color because it’s bright and shocking which is sometimes how it feels when you start revealing your true self. Cheers!

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#NationalLipstickDay!

30 Jul

Julylipslipbag

How did I miss it?? How could I miss it? Yesterday was National Lipstick Day! It’s funny these days because there’s a day for just about everything. Take for instance today is National Cheesecake Day…I’m not that excited about that. Anyhow…this will be quick, in honor of lipstick day, here’s what I have in my bag for July (I know it’s alot):

* Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in 92 Emotion
* Dior Lip GLow
* Nars Lipgloss in Stella
* Naked Lipgloss in Streaklips
* Laura Mercier Lipgloss in Brownberry
* Maybelline Baby Lips in Cherry Me
* Burts Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Rose
* Chapstick

As you can tell, I stay lighter in the summer with tinted lipbalms and glosses. All of these can be found at Sephora or even the drugstore. It’s almost August-Eeeek!! Cheers!

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The Sky

27 Jul

sky
Have you ever stopped and all of a sudden looked at something and seen it in a completely different way? I have always been in awe of large birds, the way they float in the sky and soar. A few months ago while watching a hawk over my house my eyes went beyond the bird and saw the sky. Now, this is going to sound cheesy maybe, but I fell in love… with the sky. I was talking about this with a friend of mine and my eyes actually filled with tears (thanks Jill for not looking at me like I was crazy). When I look at the sky I see endless beauty. Every day it’s different, the clouds add depth and character. On the cloudy and rainy days, the sky turns color and you always know that just beyond the clouds and rain, the sun and stars are still there. It’s truly beautiful and inspiring, and for me right now, a symbol of hope for a future looking at the unknown but with unlimited possibilities. I read this quote which is true ‘We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.’~Mao Zedong. It sounds crazy but I have an entirely different view and it’s amazing. Every day most of us do the same thing, life can turn into a routine but what are we missing? Look around, open your eyes, play some music because life is better with a soundtrack. By the way, the song Fly On by Coldplay is a great one to listen to while looking at the sky.sunsetsky

Today I keep it simple and use Naked Ultra Nourishing Lip Gloss in Streak which is a coral peach. I LOVE this gloss. It’s a gloss/balm so it doesn’t just sit on your lips. It feels light and moisturizing and this just gives a hint of color. The coral peach of Streak brightens your face a little and is just pretty. Life is cool, don’t miss it, cheers!

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The Tree

20 Jul

AWface
I have been in sales a very long time. I have had a slew of different customers but sometimes in my job I end up seeing the same ones based on territory or product. I recently visited an office that I haven’t been to in at least 12 years. My customers here were some of the friendliest I’ve had. I remember them taking the time to get to know me and talk to me, and really help me with my job in general. I knew that one of the partners had passed away awhile back but I was excited to see the other one again. Walking in, there were all new people, new partners, new atmosphere and with the changes in the Detroit economy I figured maybe the other partner had moved. I introduced myself and did business as usual and before I got back into my car I noticed the tree in front of my parking space had a ribbon and a plaque. I was overcome with grief as I read the plaque and it stated that the younger partner had passed away just a couple years ago with cancer. He was just a few years older than me when he died. I got into my car and cried not because I was super close to him, but because I remember his kindness, helpfulness, and joyful spirit; I remember his huge smile as he gave me a tour of his office and introduced me to everyone. I was mostly sad because he was so young; it was another reminder that life is incredibly short and that we never know what the future holds or how long that future exactly is for each of us.

This weekend I brought my kids to my old neighborhood in Detroit and volunteered with a great organization that is helping revive this corner of the city. We helped clean up a yard for a home which will welcome a family and also worked in the community garden. I lived a block away from the worksites and was overwhelmed with (good) memories and also a bit of sadness over how things had changed so drastically in a short amount of time. We passed my elementary school which is now an abandoned, graffiti ridden building and it was difficult to see. Again, a stark reminder of how quickly time passes and how we never know what the future holds. The beautiful thing about the future is that it happens one day at a time and no, we are not guaranteed an amount but every single day we get a chance to make a difference, and make things better. At the very least we have the chance to make the lives of those we encounter great for that day. I will never forget the way my customer treated me those times that we interacted, although he is gone, my memories of him are great. I will not forget the happy times in my old neighborhood and hope that a new family will have great memories there too. We have one life to live and share with others, what memories will you leave?photo

Today I wear Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter lipstick in Wild Watermelon. These are by far my most favorite drug store lipstick. They are shiny, buttery, and have great color. This color is a bright orange-red and I love the name for summer…wild watermelon, yum!!

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I Lived

8 Jul

I,I did it all
I, I did it allkoy
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived-I Lived~One Republic

I spent the weekend with my family in New York visiting with my brother and just enjoying the city. We were able to pack in lots of food, shopping, and watching my brother’s show in just 3 short days. I even went out with him and a few friends for ‘adult time’ after the show. I spoke with one of his friends ‘C’ for a long time and was inspired by her. She’s a beautiful, strong, funny, outspoken singer/dancer/actor/black belt in karate chic who’s also divorced. I found her inspiring because she had so much life in her eyes, she was excited about where she was, what she was doing, and just plain living. She said she surrounds herself with people that give her life. I love that! I have been accused at times for being too positive and not really being able to express my disappointments or fears, well, work in progress, but do we really need more negative? Here’s the truth, life can be hard and ugly and disappointing; it’s not always how you want it to be but I have faith and trust in God that it’s how it should be sometimes. I have had enough ugly to fill several lifetimes which I may or may not write about, but I am choosing to live and I haven’t felt this alive in a while.

It has been 6 years since my first bout with cancer and although at times the battle was rough, it strengthened me. I recently did an interview and was asked how I think cancer has changed me. We are all affected differently because we all handle obstacles differently, but I’m sure there are commonalities amongst all survivors. Cancer has made me stronger, less fearful, more open, more excited about life, more passionate, less stressed about the things that don’t matter and more dedicated to the things that do. Surviving gives me a feeling of a life unfinished…so many things to do and so many places to see and I also continue to surround myself with people that give me life and not drama! I was asked if I ever sunsetfelt depressed, or maybe fearful of the cancer coming back. Of course, ask any survivor the same question and you’ll get the same answer…cancer’s always on the mind. There were also the times when cancer came back that I was just plain tired of the fight but that’s when I pulled my bootstraps up and said ‘let’s do this’. Plus, having kids made me want to fight even harder. I don’t blame cancer on anyone. For me, it was a dumb abnormal cell in my neck that multiplied and wouldn’t go away for awhile, and why not me? I have an awesome team of doctors that I’ve seen on a regular basis and they have all commented on my strength and even keel. I was and am fortunate to have many people who support me and I don’t like to dwell. Depression or PTSD is not something I’ve struggled with but with any serious illness, it’s normal if you do. I do still hold my breath with every test, but I have to say that if you’ve been reading my blog for some time, that strength does not come from me but from my faith in God and the knowledge that He has a magnificent plan whether we see it or not…(and it may not be exactly what we planned either). Cancer changes your life but it can’t conquer your spirit. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.~Albert Einstein

I quoted that One Republic song at the beginning because it’s awesome. At the end of it all I want to say that I owned every second this world could give, I lived. Today I wear Marc Jacobs Lip Gel in Strange Magic which is a warm nude pink. These lipsticks feel a little different on the lips, I’m still trying to figure them out. They’re really light on the lips but have lots of color. It says they’re long lasting but after eating I find you have to reapply. I’m not going to lie, I only picked this one for the name because life is like strange magic but I do own the color Voila which is like a magenta/red. Live life, cheers!

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