Tag Archives: cancer

Prince and the past

25 Apr

clouds

Last week the musical icon Prince passed away. The minute I heard the news I didn’t believe it at first then as the news was confirmed by numerous sources I couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of loss and sadness; the kind that leaves a pit in your stomach. I label it strange because I didn’t know him personally and I don’t generally idolize people but news of his death was utterly shocking to me. As the days passed and the countless hours of Prince music streamed on the radio (and my iPod), I realized the reason for my feelings of such great loss was because Prince’s music was such a huge part of my life in middle school, high school, college, and beyond. Each song I listened to evoked several memories; from the parties in the ‘D’ family’s basement where we had dance-offs, to my college roommate writing one of her first papers on how the movie Purple Rain impacted her life(true story-I had to proof read it for her). Prince’s music reminded me of some of the best times of my youth and also brought back memories of who I was, who I wanted to be, my adventures, my hopes and dreams during that time.

It’s been over 30 years since Purple Rain, since watching the music video of When Doves Cry, from desperately wanting a Raspberry Beret, am I the girl I wanted to be? Life has a way of tossing you around a bit, so no. I had mixed emotions thinking about all that’s transpired between then and now but I told myself it was all ok. I have had a crazy beautiful and blessed life so far with some heartache stuffed in between but that’s what life is. We all have dreams and expectations when we’re young and there are so many choices we have to make that literally takes our life one way or the other. My 15 year old was telling me about her plan for the future, what she wanted to achieve and how she saw her life turning out; when she’d get married, how many kids she’d have, where she would work, live, etc… expectations. She has always been a stubborn, strong willed and determined little being so as I listened to her ‘plan’ of how her life was going to turn out I worried a little. I told her Audreyshe had amazing goals but there was currently no room for space or curve. I told her it was great to have a vision of what her life was supposed to look like in the future but she should absolutely leave room for the unplanned things. The things that make life move and bend, that force you to make decisions, to make hard turns and to maybe change the course you had originally planned but make you who you are truly created to be.

How do we combat the disappointments of some of our own expectations of ourselves and how our life was supposed to be? Gratititude. It’s almost impossible to be grateful for the blessings in your life and be depressed about them at the same time. GK Chesterton says ‘…gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder‘. More wonder, more gratitude, less expectation. Life is short. ‘We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life’~Prince

Today I wear Buxom Lip Polish in Jane which is a deep purple color Sephora describes as huckleberry jam. I’ve always loved these Buxom glosses because they have just enough color to not overwhelm, they’re moisturizing, and they make your lips tingle (and I guess has a plumping effect on lips which clearly I don’t need but if you’re a little older like me it does fill in those lip lines). I chose this color because duh, it’s purple. Prince…thanks for the memories

 

 

18,If Only You Knew…

11 Apr

aj

The other day my 18 year old son had a conversation with my mom, the normal grandma type talk about school, siblings, struggles (good thing my mom was a social worker). My mom shared with me part of the conversation and it went something like this:

AJ: ‘I think mom is getting weird, like really paranoid.’

Grandma: ‘Why do you say that?’

AJ: ‘She’s always asking where I am, if I’m drinking or doing drugs. Is that part of menopause?’

My mom laughed out loud then proceeded to explain the trials and tribulations of being a mom to teens. She also shared her story of when my brother and I were teens and she started growing bald from all the stress we put her through which then made my son laugh out loud. Literally she was losing her hair and was diagnosed with alopecia when I hit high school but was fine before I graduated college.

Being a mom to teens is hard. I believe my gray hairs are showing themselves at record pace but of course we worry about our kids the minute we welcome them into this world. My son will probably never know that when he was born 5 weeks early and placed in the NICU incubator I held my breath, that when he had his first asthma attack at the age of one I cried and couldn’t breathe myself, or when he had a cold on top of asthma as an infant I would sleep with him on my chest sitting up so his nose wouldn’t plug up laying down, or when he continued to need breathing treatments well into elementary from meandajasthma I would lie awake in his room on the floor listening to him struggle to breathe and set my alarm every 4 hours for his breathing treatment. He will probably never know that when he would get hit as a quarterback in 7th and 8th grade I would physically feel sick to my stomach, or the time he cried because he couldn’t understand math and wanted to give up that I cried too. He won’t know that when he didn’t make the varsity basketball team and he sat in his room and cried that I was sitting in my room crying harder because when your child’s dream dies a part of you dies with it. He may never know that when my cancer diagnosis was bad I would lie awake in my hospital bed crying thinking about him and his siblings and willing myself to fight just for them.

So today, it’s not menopause or paranoia, it’s love and the process of trying to let go (ok maybe peri-menopause). I ask the questions because I want to know. I ask them so he knows I care. The world is hard and at 18 they think they know it all. In a few short months he’s graduating high school and leaving for college. I still want to hold him, I still want to take care of him. I want him to know how much he’s loved. His hurts will always be my hurts, his joys will be greater joys to me. All I can do is pray, trust God, and KEEP ASKING MY PARANOID QUESTIONS 🙂car

Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them – a mother’s approval, a father’s nod – are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.     — Mitch Albom

Today I wear Kat Von D Studded Kiss Lipstick in Lullabye. If you want great color and staying power Kat Von D is the brand. The lipticks are not super moisturizing but not super dry either. This is a fun color for spring with sparkles. I chose it mainly for the name because I used to sing lullabies to the kids when they were young. Cheers!

 

‘lifeafterdiagnosis’-2990

7 Mar

cancer poster

2990

I am part of an online cancer support forum which connects cancer fighters/survivors across the country called ihadcancer.com. This month they wanted to hear from us about our life after being diagnosed starting with the number of days since first being told we had cancer. It has been 2990 days since I first heard ‘you have cancer’ and 2265 days since the second time I heard ‘your cancer is back’. May 10 will be my 6 year anniversary of cancer free and wow has life changed and looking back I know I have changed. I think what has changed most for me has been my day to day attitude and the things I seek. Here are some of the changes I’ve experienced:

  • I’m grateful for every moment
  • I try not to stress about things and even if I do it usually subsides quickly
  • I’m less tolerant of bad behavior and meaningless complaints
  • I mainly seek peace and anything that brings me there
  • I try to avoid negativity including negative people
  • I notice beauty more
  • Sometimes I want to shake people when they’re so caught up by irrelevant things
  • I care less about stuff and more about time
  • I realize that there are many things not in my control so I let go more easily

So many more but hard to describe. One of the big ones is acknowledgement of time. Until you are faced with the knowledge that your time is limited you pretty much feel like it’s unlimited. I float in between hope for a long and beautiful life along with a ‘we may only FullSizeRenderhave today’ attitude. Life, I mean real life, happens in the ‘in between’. In between jobs, kid stuff, activities, vacations, etc. we spend a whole lot of time in anticipation of the next game, the next season, the next vacation, and we work and focus on those things but what about all the routine we chalk up to ‘a normal day’? That’s the real grit of life. All of the mundane, the annoying things, the actions and reactions, the relationships…all of the stuff that transpires in the monotonous in between spaces of daily living, that is life. If you rush through to just get to the ‘next’, you’ll miss it. Don’t miss living.

Today’s lipstick is Bite Beauty Amuse Bouche Lipstick in Cayenne, a bright red. These are lightweight, have lots of color and are moisturizing; just about perfect. I chose this color because it’s red and the name Cayenne…almost 3000 days later, feeling spicy! Cheers!

10,000

17 Feb

 

tapestry

‘Life is a tapestry of relationships, every thread is crucial’ 

Yesterday was a strange day. It started off not so pleasant with anger arising (from me) because of a certain situation which then turned to sadness because of the realization that some things and people will never change. Then at work someone passed out and stopped breathing, ‘code blue’. I was at a hospital so you think it would be a ‘normal’ occurrence but generally it’s not in a waiting room. About an hour later it happened again, then about an hour after that an older woman standing in the tall lobby area (with great acoustics by the way) started singing at the top of her lungs which stopped people in their tracks and maybe even scared some. Really. She stopped walking, started singing, then after her song was done she kept walking, all this before noon.I hadn’t slept that well the night before so I felt like I was in partial dream state. Despite the crazy events of the morning the one thing that I couldn’t shake for most of the day was the anger/sadness I felt right at the beginning which stemmed from a long history of control and manipulation; I couldn’t shake the anger and maybe the frustration.

I read the other day that according to sociologists even the most introverted individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime. Think about that, that’s about the population of Traverse City, MI (~15,000) or Sedona, AZ (~10,000). A single person, even an introvert, will influence a small town in their lifetime. How does that happen? Words and actions; not just one or the other, both together. The start of my morning yesterday? Almost a lifetime of actions contradicting words with me cleaning up the shrapnel from actions that are far reaching. The actions of those surrounding the two ‘code blue’s’? Medically quick of course, but loved ones surrounding them, using words and prayers to comfort each other. The woman singing? ‘Jesus is a friend of mine’~”He taught me to live, my life as it should be. He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me. I’ve had friends before, and I can tell you that, He’s one who will never leave you flat.” I needed that, so maybe that was just for me.

There’s nothing more frustrating than someone whose words don’t match their actions. Don’t spew out bible verses if they are twisted in a way to fit your needs and judge others. Don’t talk about loving others then throw out hate language for certain groups of people or nationalities. Don’t talk about peace, patience, kindness, when what comes out of your mouth (which really stems from what’s in your heart), is hateful or hurtful because the consequences of that can leave long lasting scars.My day ended well.Grateful for the love I have found and the life I have now, and grateful for the constant reminder that we impact other people every single day. In Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers he says that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to perfect something. Hopefully it doesn’t take that 10,000th person in our lifetime to recieve our best. 10,000 people. What legacy will you leave behind?

Today no lipstick, it’s all about a lip balm. Last month I bought an all natural lip balm made mostly of emu oil, yes from an emu. Now, I don’t want to even think of how they get oil out of an emu, all I know is it’s the best lip balm I’ve used for my extremely dry winter emu1lips. I’m hoping I can find it locally since I bought it from a store about 4 hours away. It’s great, and lipstick never looks good on dry lips! Cheers!

Story

3 Nov

IMG_7348

I’m kind of addicted to the stories posted on Facebook from Humans of New York. If you haven’t heard of this and you’re on Facebook you should take a gander. Every day, or several times a day, they post a picture of someone (old,young, and all in between) along with a piece of their story. All the stories are so different and interesting. They have so many followers that they recently published a book of the many people and stories they have collected which my daughter bought me for my birthday. It brings to light the fact that everyone brings something to the table, everyone has different and unique stories, and also the fact that no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Looking at the beautiful pictures they post of all these different people, you would never know some of the things they have faced or celebrated; I find it so interesting.

Last week a close friend found out her young son was beaten by her ex-husband and more than likely not for the first time. It has been a long and stressful week for her but thankfully he is safe and ok for now. If you truly knew all of her story this would not be a surprise, but since most people don’t, it comes as a shock. What angers me a little is that people assumed the worst of her (or maybe the best of him) until this happened. Why? Partly because we love a great bad guy/good guy/gossipy story (admit it) but also because she stayed mostly silent. He continually spoke poorly of her and her choices while volunteering at church and school and putting his best face forward. He looked like the hero, people felt sorry for him, took care of him, and essentially believed his story without question. He was good at telling it, he was good at showing it, while again, she stayed away, she stayed silent. Is silence better? This has been a struggle for me because I have a whole piece of me that I’ve been silent about. I’m not so sure. What I’m fairly convinced about is this…the person who will not stop talking or accusing is typically the person feeling guilty for the thing they are making accusations for; they are the one’s having difficulty looking at themselves in the mirror and don’t want people looking so closely at them so point the finger elsewhere. Here’s the lesson…don’t assume until you know all sides of a story. Silence? I guess it’s ok for now.IMG_7347

It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.”~Maurice Switzer (Also see Proverbs 17:27-28)

Today I wear Aquaphor on my lips. Why? The unthinkable happened to me, the lipstick connoisseur…I had an allergic reaction to a lipstick. Which one? I have no idea because I used a couple new ones last week. Oh well. I love Aquaphor because it is one of those multi purpose products. Cheers!

Good and Bad

13 Oct

Sculpture called 'Changing Woman"

Sculpture called ‘Changing Woman”

There have been a few changes to my body post cancer that have just become part of my everyday. I’ve had 5 years now to get used to them but some days are a little more difficult. First, my breathing. With a paralyzed vocal cord the process of getting air in and out is a little tougher and therefore most cardiovascular activities for me are limited or ‘adjusted’, second, my voice is a bit quieter and gets tired more easily because of said vocal cord. Also, since my last surgery and radiation, I have had numbness and tingling in my left arm and hand. There are other things but these are the most bothersome. About 2 weeks ago my arm took a turn for the worse and I’m not sure if it’s a pinched nerve or what but it is just about completely numb, like dead weight. Throw that into the seasons changing in Michigan and allergy season which is my most difficult breathing time, well, makes for hefty reminders of that cancer past. In fact, it’s actually a little difficult to type so I am mostly using my right hand…I’ll be at the doctor soon.

Have you ever asked why God allows bad things to happen? It’s too big of a question so I try to not ask why and I don’t intend to try to begin figuring out an answer. What I do know is this, there is always a lesson or reason and sometimes you don’t know what it is until much later or maybe not even in this lifetime. Why did I get cancer when no one in my family has cancer? Why did it come back so many times? I’m not sure, but today I am a much stronger person then I was before; a warrior. A lot has transpired since that first diagnosis but I wouldn’t be where I am today had it not happened. I physically lost my voice but I have truly found it again. Cancer allowed me to see life with fresh eyes and consider life’s brevity; yes it’s fallharder to breathe but I have breathed in new life. There is a bible verse which says, ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.’ (James 1:2-3) It’s hard to consider it joy when you’re going through something but it helps to know that there may be a reason or a positive because of it. Here’s the other thing, with trials of faith like cancer or any illness, the person going through it is not the only one learning. Most of the time illness is not solitary; it affects family, friends, even co-workers and acquaintances therefore the lessons in faith and perseverance are multiplied 10-fold to those around you.

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.~W. Anderson 

Today I wear NYX Butter Gloss in Maple Blondie. I LOVE these glosses because they’re super moisturizing, have good color , and they are inexpensive as well (the lipsticks are pretty awesome too)! I chose this color because it’s great as a light brown/pink neutral and because the name reminded me of fall (Maple). It’s fall in Michigan and all the leaves are turning colors, cheers!

Moms

2 Oct

kids

I’ve heard that writing is a muscle and if you don’t use it, it gets weak and goes away…well they’re right. My writing has been sporadic because my life has had lots of moving parts over the past few months and now my thoughts are all over the place. September flew by with school starting, sports starting, and what seemed like an early homecoming game/dance, it felt like there was just not enough time in the day and now it’s October already. Many of my thoughts this month have revolved around my kids; who their friends are, what choices are they making, what are their thoughts, struggles, etc. Now that they are all teens it’s just so difficult to know. Fortunately, my kids communicate alot to me, some things I would rather not hear sometimes, but I try to remain open, loving, and understanding. It is not easy.

Motherhood is by far the most difficult job ever, period. It takes a toll physically and emotionally and requires superhuman strength and nerves of steel. I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom and one thing is for sure, we should not criticize or compare. I think as women in general starting from our youth, we’re drawn to the comparison trap and it stinks. Prettier, taller, thinner, more talented, nicer clothes….it’s endless. What makes it more difficult as a mom is now we add our kids into that comparison. My child is smarter, more well behaved, more religious, more caring, more, more, more. STOP. All I know is I’m trying my best based on how I was raised, what I know, and my circumstances and experience, we all are aren’t we? Don’t judge what you don’t know, and even then, still don’t because unless you’re living in someone else’s shoes you have no idea. Kids have enough pressure from their peers, teachers, and themselves that we as moms (and dads) don’t need to add to that by expecting them to be perfect for bragging rights. We live in such a virtually connected world that it’s easy to believe that Facebook posts are real life all the time. Seriously, Facebook, Twitter, snapchat, instagram are all only capturing the good stuff or the stuff we choose to show. What about the struggles and ugly of the rest of the 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day? You for sure won’t see my hot mess on Facebook but hopefully we all know what real life is like. Enough of my soapbox.leaf

As for the kids here’s what I do know, what was portrayed in the movie The Breakfast Club has not changed much…there will always be the geeks, jocks, the princess, the outcasts, and the burnouts. We need to love our kids and support them in whatever ‘group’ they fall in because so quickly they’re grown and ready to fly on their own. How about we support each other too?

Today I wear Lancome Lip Lover lipgloss in Bordeaux Tempo. This is a new lipgloss formula and so far I love it. My lips tend to be drier as it gets cooler out and this promises 8 hours of moisture to your lips. Not really sure it does that but it’s pretty and my lips are not drying out. I chose this color because it’s a deeper berry color on me which is great for fall. Cheers!

The Little Things

1 Sep

ajbabyA couple weeks ago I was watching my daughter play in a volleyball tournament. My mom was sitting in between me and another older woman. We were all in conversation together for awhile until I decided to watch my daughter more intently. On occasion I would hear the two grandmas talk about where they grew up, their kids, what they had in common, and of course talk about their granddaughters who were playing volleyball against each other at that moment. During their conversation about life I overheard the other woman say she had cancer a few years back and of course my mom chimed in with my cancer experience. After that, she said that shortly after cancer and recovery she had a massive stroke. She spoke about her wonderful husband and how he helped her learn how to walk, talk, eat, and function again; he was by her side through all the recovery of cancer and stroke but then suddenly passed away last January leaving her alone. Up to the day of this tournament she was questioning God, angry with the current situation of her life, and was wondering why she didn’t ‘go’ first. My mom, the social worker/listener, asked something very simple, ‘You’re here watching your granddaughter and that’s one good reason to be thankful you’re still here for, right?’ She nodded her head yes.

Sometimes you have to intently search for the little things that bring joy into your life even if at times they can be extremely hard to find, especially when you’re overwhelmed by not so joyous circumstances. My oldest son just turned 18 and for those raising teen boys…HELP! There are days when he is that sweet boy but there are other days when I think an alien has taken over his body and I am literally searching for anything salvageable. It’s like a light switch that turns on and off, Jekyll and Hyde, but right at the time I’m at the verge of wishing he would go away to college already, he turns and hugs me, or says thank you for something, or sits with me on the couch, or shares a story, or says he loves me and all of a sudden I’m having a hard time letting him grow up…it’s the little things. Amazingly enough, looking back at my life, many times it’s the smallest, most simple things that I remember as being some of the greatest and in the case of raising teens, it’s the small things I find myself clinging to most of the time. ‘Embrace the power of little things and you will build a tower of mighty things.’~I. Ayivor

Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Colour Sheer in Tender Lips which is a sheer brown rose. I love these sheer lipsticks especially when transitioning from summer to fall. It’s just enough color and since we’re all losing our tan (or in my case turning a lighter shade of brown), all the shades are neutral enough to keep us looking healthy during this transition. I chose this color because it’s a perfect neutral for my skin tone. Seek out those little moments that bring you joy! Cheers!

Blue Skies

20 Jul

sky

Have you ever opened your eyes to a new day and the sky just seems bluer than you’ve seen it in a long time? That was me today and it’s only Monday! There have been many changes in my life this year and the changes just keep on coming. For the past several months I have allowed these changes both good and bad stress me out a little. Questions about job, home, kids, and really about the future have infiltrated my mind, top that off with the general busy pace of life and it’s really been a lot. I ran into a good friend over the weekend and she said, ‘Trust God and take one day at a time.’ Ahhhh, yes. During my cancer journey that’s all I could do and I most recently have let life (and control of circumstances) simply take over. I heard a great song this morning by Greg Holden called ‘Hold On Tight.’ Some of the lyrics are “But I don’t take my life for granted. I’m gonna hold on tight to what I’ve been handed.” “So when you look at yourself tell me who do you see? Is it the person you’ve been or the person you’re going to be?” Really great lyrics and exactly what I needed to hear today to go with my blue skies. I have been handed A LOT! Two weeks ago I got the news once again that my tests (bloodwork and ultrasound) came out clean so I am officially 5 years-plus cancer free! I have my health, my family, my friends, and have found an incredible man who loves me for exactly who I am. Looking back at all my ups and downs with health, career, and family over the past several years there have been many many blessings and most of those revolve around people. Life really does take a village. I read somewhere that beauty grows in the soil of adversity. The writer says that in adversity we either give in or dig in and life in general needs to be planted firmly for beautiful things to grow. Dig in. Today, thinking about the past few months/years and all the difficulties, I have been blessed with amazing people filtering in and out of every circumstance and turn that life has taken me; some are friends forever and some God had with me for just exactly that moment but seriously, each person has had an impact one way or the other. These are the fertilizer while I’m ‘digging in’ helping me to grow.

We carry so much stuff around and lots of times we think we’re the only one or that we can handle it ourselves but if you look around there are people willing to walk right along side of you and if need be, hold you up when you are too tired to keep going. There will always be circumstances in life that throw you off balance, but get excited about all the people that surround you. There will always be plenty of people who will criticize or try to bring you down either to your face or behind your back…who cares. Listen to kind words, cherish in your heart the kind actions of others and remember you can be that person too. So for today, the sky is blue and the air is warm. Hold on tight to what you’ve been handed, take the lessons and experiences from your past and be excited for the person you are continuing to become.

Today I wear Tarte Amazonian Butter Lipstick in Watermelon which is a red/pink/orange-y color perfect for summer. These lipsticks are all natural and I think the container is not only biodegradable but also  I think if you plant them wildflowers grow. Cheers!

Evidence

7 Jun

sky

I’ve recently become addicted to podcasts, being in sales I have lots of ‘drive time.’ One of the podcast series I could not stop listening to is called ‘Serial.’ This particular podcast covers a true story of a teen convicted of murder in 1999. The investigative reporter digs deep into the case, unravels all the twists and turns, and speaks to numerous friends, families, teachers, etc. Each podcast left me wanting more and changed my mind from guilty to not guilty to guilty and so forth based on the evidence presented. At the end of the series I felt unsatisfied with the results. Anyhow, you should listen, it’s fascinating.

We are a society that loves evidence; it’s rare that people take a leap of faith to believe something. God is real…show me, healthcare reform is right…why, immunizations don’t cause autism…give me proof, homosexuals are born that way…prove it. All hot topics and my blog is not a debate blog so just examples of various topics and responses. We want evidence for everything…except when it comes to gossip. Why is that? I have teens so gossip is prevalent whether I like it or not in our household and I am constantly asking if they know for a fact or if they are hearing and repeating. Again, what is the evidence? We are so eager to believe something about someone most of the time without knowing all the facts. We hear something, we make judgements then worst of all, we sometimes share that information as if it were fact. Whether it’s our own insecurities or just a boring life, it’s wrong. So what can we do? Again, look for the evidence. Who are you talking about? Why? Do you even know this person, I mean really know them? So you hear something juicy or maybe hear something you never expected about that person; what is the character of this person? What is the history of their actions/what do their current actions show you? Again, actions speak volumes. Who is the one saying things? Are they reliable? Do they know the person they are talking about? What are they like and what is the history of their actions? See what I’m getting at? We love evidence for everything unless it’s gossip that tears people down. Be careful. Whether something is true or false, there’s always a story.

‘These are the few ways we can practice humility:To speak as little as possible of one’s self.To mind one’s own business.Not to want to manage other people’s affairs.To avoid curiosity.To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.To pass over the mistakes of others.To accept insults and injuries.To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.To be kind and gentle even under provocation.Never to stand on one’s dignity. To choose always the hardest.’~Mother Teresa

Today I wear MAC Lustre lipstick in Hug Me which is a brownie pink. Can’t really go wrong with a good MAC lipstick. This one is easy to wear because it’s moisturizing and just gives you a finished look for daytime. I chose it mainly for the name. I love hugs. Cheers!