Tag Archives: motherhood

Tapestry

22 Sep

tapestry
Life is a tapestry of relationships, every thread is crucial….

This past weekend I was able to spend some time with my friend Grace at a cottage in Northern Michigan. I have known Grace for almost 20 years and it was just a great time to relax and connect. At the resort there was an outdoor art park with that saying, along with other quotes, carved into marble right in the middle of the woods. It was fitting to be there and see that with Grace because I’ve known her for so long; we’ve sang together, she’s been a mentor to me, but best of all she’s been a friend through all my junk past and present. As I was standing there staring at it, a whole bunch of people ran through my mind; not always great, life-impacting relationships, not always positive, but definitely a critical thread in my life story. There are many people past and present, even those I’ve just met, that each have had a purpose or have taught me something about me or about people in general. artpark

Up north, there was just a hint of the trees beginning to change colors. Fall is my favorite season in Michigan for exactly this reason. The air changes and becomes cooler, the sunsets are more fiery, but the changing colors are amazing and the beauty at its peak always leaves me breathless. So here it is, the beginning of a new season. The leaves change and the wind goes from a warmer air to being cooler and more crisp. Life is in constant change and people constantly weave in and out of glassour lives, sometimes for just a season. I believe we meet people at exactly the right time we need to meet them, there are no accidents. What’s our part? What’s my part? I’m repeating myself when I say that sometimes we only get one chance, one moment to make an impact on someones life. Will it be positive or negative? I personally want to be a faucet filling someone’s cup than a drain depleting someone of life and energy.This is a long quote but I really liked the analogy…
‘Life is similar to a bus ride.The journey begins when we board the bus.We meet people along our way of which some are strangers, some friends and some strangers yet to be friends.There are stops at intervals and people board in.
At times some of these people make their presence felt, leave an impact through their grace and beauty on us fellow passengers while on other occasions they remain indifferent.But then it is important for some people to make an exit, to get down and walk the paths they were destined to because if people always made an entrance and never left either for the better or worse, then we would feel suffocated and confused like those people in the bus, the purpose of the journey would lose its essence and the journey altogether would neither be worthwhile nor smooth.’~ Chirag Tulsiani

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven-Turn,Turn,Turn~The Byrds

Today I wear Nars Audacious Lipstick in Charlotte which is a deep oxblood burgundy. You can always count on Nars for great lipsticks and great colors. These are weightless, long lasting and smooth…obviously the color is amazing. This particular color is great for fall (but be sure you don’t do the smoky eye with it or you’ll look like a vampire). Cheers to a new season!

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Heart or Paper?

7 Sep

Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography. Thanks Leanna!

Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography.
Thanks Leanna!


I think more than ever I have been in an internal conflict about purpose; what I should be doing, what I’m meant to be doing, and what I want to be doing. Part of it is age , and part of it is post-cancer putting an exclamation point on time. The average lifespan for females in Michigan varies from 77-80 years of age depending on which website you refer to, which means my life is more than half over. Sounds grim but the one thing we cannot change is that we all die at some point; and although many of us are committed to things which help us feel younger and look younger, we don’t actually get any younger. Anyhow, I listened to a great talk by a New York Times columnist and the question he posed was, ‘Should you live your resume’ or your eulogy?’ WHOA. What a question. As Americans, or maybe I’m just speaking for myself, we spend a whole lot of time working on our resume’ and making sure it looks good for the next job, employer, promotion, or even the public, but what do we want ‘listed’ in our eulogy? ‘She was in management’, ‘she got promoted quickly’, ‘she won president’s club several times’….I say no. We want (or at least I want), people to say I lived and I loved, I helped, and was a joy to have around, I made people feel things, and was a positive presence…

Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life~John Wooden

Here’s the conundrum…we all need to make a living, but at what price? Do we push ourselves to continue rising up the ladder, do we stay in a career because our resume’ shows we are good at it yet everyday wonder why we’re doing that very thing in the first place? A few blogs ago I talked about doing something you love or are passionate about every single day, even if it’s something small…that’s a start. It reminds you of who you are and who you are made to be. I guess I’m a bit confused (and probably really confusing to you), right now. My struggle is definitely not the resume’ and trying to achieve mega success by worldly standards, mine is actually wondering if passion and work can actually merge somehow or if the resume’ will continue to consume the passion bit by bit; what is written on paper vs. what is imprinted on your heart. Is it resume’ or eulogy? Eternal success in a finite world or eternal value, leaving a legacy? Can it be both?

Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.~Billy Graham

Today I wear Urban Decay Pulp Fiction Revolution lipstick in Mrs. Mia Wallace. I know, I know, I did UD last time but I had to write about this one. So, you know I love the Urban Decay lipsticks but this one is a deep red. It has been 20 years since the movie Pulp Fiction came out, I don’t remember much about the movie except for the dance scene with John Travolta, but I do remember the lipstick on the black haired Uma Thurman. This is a limited edition and it’s smokin’ hot. Live passionately! Cheers!

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Caregiver

31 Aug

BobandJudy
If you’ve been reading my blog awhile you’ll remember me writing about my radiation friend ‘B’ or Bob. If not, please read about him here before reading the rest of this blog. This past week I had an emotional conversation with his widow Judy almost a year after his passing about her role as his caregiver.

How long were you married? 26 years

Were you with Bob the first time he was told he had cancer? Of course. I was with him from the diagnosis to death. I took a leave of absence from work. I was with him 24/7.

How did you feel when you first heard he had cancer? The doctor spoke to me privately and told me I would be lucky to have him 6 more months. Bob and I never kept secrets from each other but this I kept secret. I didn’t want him to know because I wanted him to fight as hard as he could. It was very difficult.

Did you feel like you always had to be positive? Did he see you scared? We were there for each other. We both saw each other scared, we cried alot, but we were there for each other to comfort each other. I didn’t feel like I had to pretend being positive when I wasn’t.

Did you end up telling Bob about the original diagnosis, the 6 months? Yes. When he got his ‘cancer free’ status after radiation I told him what the first doctor said. Bob laughed, he felt he had a new lease on life but I still doubted. I had my doubts because of our family history of cancer so I encouraged him to take trips and pursue his hobbies. We went to Disneyworld shortly after radiation.

Did you have anyone to talk to during all of this? My family, but I kept things to myself.

How did you feel when he was told the cancer was back? That was bad. The doctor spoke to me privately and said ‘There’s nothing left we can do,’ followed by ‘you’re going to have to tell him because I have other patients’ then she walked away. I had to walk into the room and tell my husband he was dying. Bob was angry, not about dying, but because he told the doctor that if it was bad news, he wanted to be told first then he would be the one to tell me.

The story goes on from there, Bob got more sick and was hospitalized. I received a good-bye letter from him just weeks before his passing last year. The morning of his birthday Judy said he was told he could leave the hospital. The nurses and doctors got him a cake and balloons and he went home. She says he had a look of peace on his face so she knew and thought maybe he knew it was time too. Bob always had a ‘love’ signal to Judy during the times he couldn’t speak, he would punch his chest twice and point to her, which meant ‘I love you.’ Later that day, in their home, he started hemorrhaging. He did the ‘love’ signal and died just minutes later in her arms. I loved Bob and I love Judy. They were my angels, my support, and my family during the 7 weeks of radiation because I was mostly alone. Judy said throughout Bob’s cancer journey that time didn’t matter, it was day to day, minute to minute. Why do we wait to really live like this? We have no guarantees. No lipstick today, just me and my chapstick. Live life!
whiteflowers

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About A Boy

25 Aug

AJ
My son just turned 17 and is heading into his junior year of high school. We were talking the other day about what the year has in store for him: ACT/SAT testing, checking out colleges, sports, and of course more immediate on his mind, The Homecoming Dance. He was talking about what he’d like to wear and whose house he was taking the ‘bus’ from, and when I asked him about a date he said ‘what?’. Ah yes, one of those dreaded ‘date’ dances where girls wait patiently for boys to ask them. If you recall, I was not exactly the girl anyone would ask to dances when I was younger (a little geeky, alot shy); I always hoped and waited, but didn’t actually get asked until my senior year, oh well, I’m over it. It’s alot different these days and I think it’s better, less pressure. Now, a bunch of people get dressed up, meet at a house, take pictures, and get on a ‘bus’ and go together…boys, girls, mostly all friends with very few actual ‘couples.’ Anyhow, he ended up telling me that a girl (who has liked him a long time) asked to match him…what? He said this girl asked him what colors he was wearing because she wanted to match him and get pictures taken with him (like they’re a couple), then, he wouldn’t have to talk to her if he didn’t want to for the rest of the night. WHAT? First I thought she was pretty bold for asking, then I thought, why would she want to do that? Settle for the crumbs? Just want a pic then you don’t have to talk to me?2014-04-09 23.52.39-1

Dear daughter/sister/mom/girlfriend, you are special. Someone will love you exactly the way God made you. No need to beg, cry, change yourself, pretend to like things you don’t; no need to settle for the crumbs or less than the respect and love you deserve. As women, we serve naturally; we are nurturers, caregivers and sometimes we feel lost without someone taking care of us. We are strong. When what you love, what you do, and who you are, are not enough, then move on because truly… they are the ones not enough for you. Love yourself and rest in the knowledge that the One who created you loves you more then you can comprehend.You are beautiful.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine Hydrating Sheer Lipshine in Boy which is one of their all time best selling colors. This is actually my favorite formula in the Chanel lipsticks because they are hydrating and have just enough color. This is a very easy color to wear everyday; a pale pinky-brown…very neutral but not too nude if you know what I mean. I chose it partly because I love it and partly because of the name Boy. Is it always about a boy? Cheers!

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Unrealized Dreams

14 Aug

changing woman
Recently I was able to reconnect with a friend who I haven’t seen in probably three years. It was great because we were able to talk like no time had passed yet our lives were so different than they were 3 years ago. We talked and laughed and really marveled at how life can change so quickly. We talked about the future and about our dreams and what we would like to see; some things we had in common, some we just laughed about. Something I shared is the realization after cancer that you just never know what will happen tomorrow, so I try every single day to do one thing that brings me closer to a dream or goal.It certainly keeps me busy. She asked how I manage to do all the stuff I HAVE to do PLUS all the stuff I WANT to do…I kept my answer simple…one day, one moment at a time. If I don’t fit all of it in, I don’t sweat it, I just move on to the next day. Here’s another awesome thing I discovered, if you live with your eyes wide open to opportunity, sometimes yellow flowernew dreams make their way into your life. Remember when I wrote about watching roller derby? I watched because the minute I saw their booth at a local fair and spoke to a couple of the girls, I knew I wanted to be a part…enter new dream! See how it works? I’ve been talking about this with a friend for awhile and she recently shared with me that she decided to pursue her dream of riding horses! She said that by me talking about doing something new it pushed her to also do something she had always been interested in. Why not? What stops us? How and why do we forget some of the things we loved? We all have responsibilities; jobs, kids, etc. but if we don’t do a little something that reminds us who WE are every single day, we slowly start to lose a little bit of ourselves. Thankfully we are all created uniquely us; different, special, and beautiful.
me and jen
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.~H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Today I wear Urban Decay Pulp Fiction Revolution lipstick. This is seriously a hot red; dark, edgy, awesome! You all know I love Urban Decay lipsticks and this is no different. Lots of moisture plus lots of color…limited edition so get it while you can! I chose this color because it’s bold. Live your adventure! Cheers!

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The Sky

27 Jul

sky
Have you ever stopped and all of a sudden looked at something and seen it in a completely different way? I have always been in awe of large birds, the way they float in the sky and soar. A few months ago while watching a hawk over my house my eyes went beyond the bird and saw the sky. Now, this is going to sound cheesy maybe, but I fell in love… with the sky. I was talking about this with a friend of mine and my eyes actually filled with tears (thanks Jill for not looking at me like I was crazy). When I look at the sky I see endless beauty. Every day it’s different, the clouds add depth and character. On the cloudy and rainy days, the sky turns color and you always know that just beyond the clouds and rain, the sun and stars are still there. It’s truly beautiful and inspiring, and for me right now, a symbol of hope for a future looking at the unknown but with unlimited possibilities. I read this quote which is true ‘We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.’~Mao Zedong. It sounds crazy but I have an entirely different view and it’s amazing. Every day most of us do the same thing, life can turn into a routine but what are we missing? Look around, open your eyes, play some music because life is better with a soundtrack. By the way, the song Fly On by Coldplay is a great one to listen to while looking at the sky.sunsetsky

Today I keep it simple and use Naked Ultra Nourishing Lip Gloss in Streak which is a coral peach. I LOVE this gloss. It’s a gloss/balm so it doesn’t just sit on your lips. It feels light and moisturizing and this just gives a hint of color. The coral peach of Streak brightens your face a little and is just pretty. Life is cool, don’t miss it, cheers!

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I Lived

8 Jul

I,I did it all
I, I did it allkoy
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived-I Lived~One Republic

I spent the weekend with my family in New York visiting with my brother and just enjoying the city. We were able to pack in lots of food, shopping, and watching my brother’s show in just 3 short days. I even went out with him and a few friends for ‘adult time’ after the show. I spoke with one of his friends ‘C’ for a long time and was inspired by her. She’s a beautiful, strong, funny, outspoken singer/dancer/actor/black belt in karate chic who’s also divorced. I found her inspiring because she had so much life in her eyes, she was excited about where she was, what she was doing, and just plain living. She said she surrounds herself with people that give her life. I love that! I have been accused at times for being too positive and not really being able to express my disappointments or fears, well, work in progress, but do we really need more negative? Here’s the truth, life can be hard and ugly and disappointing; it’s not always how you want it to be but I have faith and trust in God that it’s how it should be sometimes. I have had enough ugly to fill several lifetimes which I may or may not write about, but I am choosing to live and I haven’t felt this alive in a while.

It has been 6 years since my first bout with cancer and although at times the battle was rough, it strengthened me. I recently did an interview and was asked how I think cancer has changed me. We are all affected differently because we all handle obstacles differently, but I’m sure there are commonalities amongst all survivors. Cancer has made me stronger, less fearful, more open, more excited about life, more passionate, less stressed about the things that don’t matter and more dedicated to the things that do. Surviving gives me a feeling of a life unfinished…so many things to do and so many places to see and I also continue to surround myself with people that give me life and not drama! I was asked if I ever sunsetfelt depressed, or maybe fearful of the cancer coming back. Of course, ask any survivor the same question and you’ll get the same answer…cancer’s always on the mind. There were also the times when cancer came back that I was just plain tired of the fight but that’s when I pulled my bootstraps up and said ‘let’s do this’. Plus, having kids made me want to fight even harder. I don’t blame cancer on anyone. For me, it was a dumb abnormal cell in my neck that multiplied and wouldn’t go away for awhile, and why not me? I have an awesome team of doctors that I’ve seen on a regular basis and they have all commented on my strength and even keel. I was and am fortunate to have many people who support me and I don’t like to dwell. Depression or PTSD is not something I’ve struggled with but with any serious illness, it’s normal if you do. I do still hold my breath with every test, but I have to say that if you’ve been reading my blog for some time, that strength does not come from me but from my faith in God and the knowledge that He has a magnificent plan whether we see it or not…(and it may not be exactly what we planned either). Cancer changes your life but it can’t conquer your spirit. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.~Albert Einstein

I quoted that One Republic song at the beginning because it’s awesome. At the end of it all I want to say that I owned every second this world could give, I lived. Today I wear Marc Jacobs Lip Gel in Strange Magic which is a warm nude pink. These lipsticks feel a little different on the lips, I’m still trying to figure them out. They’re really light on the lips but have lots of color. It says they’re long lasting but after eating I find you have to reapply. I’m not going to lie, I only picked this one for the name because life is like strange magic but I do own the color Voila which is like a magenta/red. Live life, cheers!

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It’s Time

22 Jun

DLA2
It’s time…those words are said for a lot of different things; to give birth, to say good-bye, for an interview or audition, surgery, prom. A few times a year I get a couple postcards with ‘It’s Time’ printed on it, one from my dentist and one from my doctor. Well, it’s that time of year again. All the blood work and check ups are happening now. Actually, I had my blood test done a couple of weeks ago but because I need the special blood work for rare cases like me, they send it out and I wait (hopefully just one more week). Tomorrow I get a neck ultrasound and pray there’s nothing but scar tissue. Officially it has been over three years (with a few bumps along the way) and honestly I am starting to feel unstoppable. It’s been a difficult year in general for many reasons but I continue looking ahead with excitement and hope for whatever life may bring, good or bad, and I’m unbelievably grateful for each moment I’ve had so far.

I’ve heard it said that friendships lasting beyond 7 years are friendships for life. I’m a believer. Through cancer and divorce, my lifelong friends have really pulled through despite sometimes the obstacle of geography. Here’s the thing about really great friends, they really know you; they know your heart and character and believe and support you no matter what. Adversity and how you handle it usually shows your true nature, Ginathey’ve seen my core and know it hasn’t changed. Over the past couple weeks I’ve had a chance to reunite with several friends from my past including one that I’ve known over 30 years, and it’s been awesome. Reuniting with friends from the past reminds you who you once were and the things you loved to do and it also reminds you a little of how DLAyou’ve changed…lots of laughing for sure. I’ve also met a few new people who I already know will be around awhile! Saw this on the internet about friend reunions and it’s all true:20 Great Joys of Reuniting With Old Friends. Life is fun, exciting, sad, exhausting, and exhilarating with all it’s twists and turns but it’s even better with great friends to ride the roller coaster with! “Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”― Mark Twain

Today I wear Nars Lipgloss in Wonder. These lipglosses are moisturizing and don’t feel too heavy or sticky on your lips. This particular color is a sheer wash of mandarin orange with gold specks which looks great on tanned skin (which of course I have year round). It’s a great color for summer and it’s got a great name…look at the world with wonder and you’ll continue being amazed! Cheers!

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TFIOS

6 Jun

AW6.14
Last night I took my daughter to see the movie ‘The Fault In Our Stars‘. We had both read the book almost two years ago and knew we wanted to see the movie. It’s about a teenage girl who has metastatic thyroid cancer. I will not spoil it because there are surprises if you have not read the book, but I think everyone familiar with the trailers know that at the very least you will need a Kleenex or 10 when you either read it or watch it. I cried from almost the beginning to the end. There were many moments that I identified with, first obviously, she had thyroid cancer. It was difficult watching her and listening to her struggles and thoughts but it was also hard to watch her parents and how they cared for her and even some of their thoughts. For me, the movie and book were both kinda gut-wrenching.

I’m involved with a couple cancer organizations. One where we connect on-line and support each other, the other, I am a ‘mentor’ to those struggling with similar cancer or treatments. We connect and just talk through the emotions and even some of the physical changes that happen from treatment. Last week I spoke with a new person as her ‘Angel mentor’. She, like me, has thyroid cancer; but she, like the the character in the movie, has thyroid cancer that has spread everywhere after 12 years. It was a difficult conversation and I have been praying for her daily as she struggles through. She asked me at the end of our initial conversation how I stay so positive because she can’t find that right now. I told her mostly faith, part personality, and part choice. What’s the alternative? I also told her it’s ok to feel down. There’s a quote from the movie (and book), ‘Grief does not change you, it reveals you.’ Sometimes we have to dig so deep. In speaking with her there are many things we share in common which I’m sure any cancer patient has felt:
* When we feel down, other people feel worst. When we act and talk like we feel great, people feel better. Therefore most times, we don’t really want to say we feel bad
* Having cancer more than once is difficult. Both of us agreed that telling people it was back was a little embarrassing and discouraging
* Although we all want to say ‘why me?’ when we look at our loved ones we think ‘why not me?’
* We both hate when people say that thyroid cancer is the easy cancer. Clearly it’s cancer that can spread and take over your body. Neither of us had it ‘easy’
* So this is a weird one, if you’re a woman with cancer and it’s not breast cancer, we’re a little jealous of the pink (sorry)
* Cancer makes us see what and who are truly important. We don’t want to waste a moment. Another quote from the movie ‘The marks humans leave are too often scars.’
* Sometimes the sadness of how cancer affects us is overwhelming but sometimes the joy we now find in simple moments is equally if not more overwhelming. ‘The real heroes anyway aren’t the people doing things; the real heroes are the people noticing things, paying attention.‘

We don’t choose cancer, it just shows up.

Today I wear Tarte Amazonian Butter Lipstick in Tulip which is a pinky mauve. I love these because like the name they feel like butter. I chose this color because it’s perfect for every day. It also looks great on every skin tone by the way. Cheers!

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Moments

15 May

2012-07-02 11.07.09

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear.Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,how do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,how do you measure, a year in the life?-Seasons of Love, Rent

I really love those lyrics. I know I’ve used them in my blog before but they just never get old and it’s a reminder that life is short and time just ticks away. How do we measure a year in the life? I’ve been crazy busy the past few weeks with work and the upswing of kids activities that I really haven’t had time to think. As I sat to write a blog the thought crossed my mind that nothing significant happened this week, just a regular, busy week, but I really had to stop for a moment because that wasn’t true. Life happened this week. A friend’s dad passed away a couple weeks ago and I was able to meet up with him and give him a hug in person, my daughter was inducted into the honors society and got an award for awesome grades, my youngest son had a baseball game and pitched a no hitter for two innings straight, I met some fantastic new people through work, and I worked out and finalized plans to reunite with great friends once again in Chicago soon. Looking back, it was an ordinary week with extraordinary moments. Did you catch that? Moments. A smile, eye contact, a hug, a good night’s sleep…all moments that when put together make an extraordinary week if you open your eyes to see it. I spoke to another cancer survivor today who was told just recently that she was cancer free. She said that she’s tired from all the treatments and she’s nervous about cancer returning in the future but she’s ok, ‘it is what it is’ (recall I really don’t like that phrase, but it’s true some times). She is now more focused on quality of life instead of quantity of life…Amen to that. Do you measure your life in inches, miles, sunsets, cups of coffee? Take in the moments or you just might miss out. Each passing moment becomes the past!Anna166

Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glace’ in Wildflower which is like a hot pink/red. I LOVE these glosses! They are packed with color and are super moisturizing but not sticky at all. This color is great for spring and summer. Some of the colors are more sheer but this one is not and seems to be more long lasting on me but without the dry factor. Be a wildflower and seize the day! Cheers!

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