Tag Archives: relationships

Magic

4 Feb

survivor
Today is World Cancer Day, a day that the World Health Organization (WHO), and everyone else uses to recognize, unite, and fight against the disease that will kill an estimated 84 million people from 2005-2015. It’s also about survivors. Most of the time I don’t dwell on the fact that I had cancer but today, seeing all the cancer posts and all the purple profiles for the American Cancer Society and Chevy, I get a little nostalgic.I don’t even know if nostalgic is the right word, but I guess my heart feels a little heavy today; both sad and grateful. It’s strange, there are the constant reminders, my scar, my difficulty breathing sometimes, the numbness/weakness in my left arm from all the surgeries and radiation on the left side of my neck, these things are daily but are fully integrated into my life, it’s just how it is. What changed the most for me is what happened inside my heart and mind. There are people who have told me, ‘thyroid cancer?’ ‘the easy cancer?’. Really makes me sick, cancer is cancer, cells trying to kill you, nothing easy about that. Who would even imagine someone having to defend their cancer? No one asks for it, no one wants it, and everyone walks away different. My particular journey was tough, but isn’t every person’s?

It’s hard to describe what has changed on the inside because sometimes it’s overwhelming. I know that I tolerate less crap, I crave peace and kindness, but most of all I look at people, circumstances, and plain daily living a whole lot differently. I take my time now to notice. Most of the time we’re so busy trying to do something or get somewhere, we don’t notice who or what is even in our surroundings; is someone hurting, laughing, talking to you even…I know I’m not making sense but life is not so serious. If we look for the magic, we see it. I have had many people come into my life over the past few years at exactly the time I needed them, it’s been awesome. Understanding their stories, who they are, spoken from their eyes…magic. Cancer has made me more sad, more angry, more willing, but most of all more grateful for the simplest of things. See? I can’t even articulate! I recently watched a movie where Meryl Streep’s character has cancer and she jumps out of a car and starts running…really random, going nowhere. She was crazed and upset and yes, sometimes it’s like that; but sometimes we(me) run to nowhere just because we can. The simple act of running with arms open, face in the wind, breathing in life…magic. I used this quote before but I love it so much I’m going to use it again as a reminder. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” ~Steve Jobs

Today I wear Strawberry Lip Smacker. Cheap, yummy, the stuff I had in high school, a simpler time. Cheers!

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Picture Perfect

26 Jan


Over the holidays I received lots of family pictures, you know, the new trend of sending the picture postcard? Everyone’s happy, smiling, perfect. I heard the other day that relationships, like these pictures, always look good and pretty on the outside, but sometimes the picture is not always what it seems. What’s easier for people to see? Obviously the pretty, but people’s lives are never truly picture perfect are they? They’re messy and complicated sometimes. Over the past several months to a year, I have been referring to a personal issue in my life that I have been navigating through outside of cancer. I read this quote ‘I know of nothing more valuable when it comes to the all important virtue of authenticity then simply being who you are.’~Charles Swindoll. Last week I wrote about a shift that had occurred in my life, a death and a birth; last week I became a divorced woman and a single mother. I’m sure many of you are surprised and I will not go into details, but it was not something done lightly. If you have been reading my blog for some time, you know me fairly well by now. I am a survivor. I was asked by a couple people this past week who my safety net was, who I was ‘gunning’ for, and my response was quick, no one, there is nobody else. I am finally aiming for me; my safety net is God. Like I said in my blog a few weeks ago, no one knows what happens behind closed doors and I will leave it at that. Now, I move forward with even more strength, courage, and hope for a beautiful future. I hope you stay with me in my complicated journey called life. One more quote,‘We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be’~ Mary Sarton.

So here I am, trying to be authentic and unapologetically me.

No lipstick today, just me 🙂

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Behind the Door

8 Jan

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This has been an interesting week. It started with being buried in the snow and being trapped in my own house. Then, a friend called and told me that she is going through some tough times. I offered my home and listening ear to her so she has been staying here while sorting things through. Sitting and listening to her situation while also considering mine, there is one thing I know for sure…no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Going through all that I have gone through including the cancer, I was surprised, yet, not really. So much happens in people’s lives and unless you are walking in their shoes, you really don’t know. My neighbor who read my book awhile back told me that she didn’t realize all I had gone through with the cancer and said, ‘I had no idea, there’s so much that goes on behind closed doors,’ She’s right. So what should we do? What can we do? We can be present to those who are in our lives. We can listen and be supportive. We can only give advice based on our personal experiences and journeys, but we can’t expect them to feel the same way or to listen to our advice because again, they are walking their own path. Lastly, we can’t judge, it’s not our place, and the last time I checked, the seat at God’s right hand was already taken. I heard this song by Coldplay this morning and thought about my friend. Here is a link to a sweet ukelele cover of Coldplay’s Fix You. As much as I want to help her ‘fix’ her situation, it’s not my place. I will simply open my home, my heart, and listen. I do want to say thank you to all my awesome friends and family who have been there for me throughout my path with homes, hearts, and listening ears. I am forever grateful. I took all these pictures of doors in Europe because not only were they beautiful, but I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the truth behind the doors and within the walls. We’re all so different…it’s pretty cool to sit back and listen.2012-06-25 20.34.44
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Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick in Prayer. I really like these lipsticks because they are packed with color and are moisturizing at the same time. Prayer is kind of a mauvey-brown which is a great every day color for me and pretty much everyone else. I chose this color this time because I believe in the power of prayer and that is one thing we can definitely do for hurting people! Cheers!

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Anti-Resolutions

30 Dec

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Christmas 2013 has come and gone and now the countdown to a New Year is upon us. I cannot believe it will be 2014 in a few short days but I am so ready. 2013 has not been a great year for me but at least I end on a healthy note. It started with bad numbers in my blood work from January leading my physicians to believe that my cancer was back but in a different area of my body. From there, the different scenarios; insurance that wouldn’t pay for testing because of my pre-existing condition, then the one unwilling to pay for the expenses of the PET scan, ultrasound, etc., followed by the numerous friends that offered to do fund raisers so I could have answers. Then the passing of my friend, and cancer angel, Bob. The toll of all of those on my brain and body; depression, anxiety, etc. and all that has transpired since then…. For now, I am cancer free and moving forward. Most people set resolutions right about this time, goals they want to achieve, promises they make to themselves about health and life in general. After cancer I reassess those things daily, so annual resolutions are not something I think about,I tend to just ‘go’ with life. Someone I know said to me a short while ago, ‘So just because you had cancer you think you’re strong now?’ Without a doubt. Lesson #1 from 2013: Watch your words, they stem from your heart. Enough of the negative can really damage a person and their soul…blog for another day.

So back to the resolutions…yes, I have the typical thoughts of eating right, exercising, being grateful, etc, but for today I thought I’d set my anti-resolutions; things I don’t want to do in 2014:

1. I will not let any person dictate to me how I should act or feel or who I should hang out with; I already have a God that counsels me on that
2. I do not want to ever forget that God is in control and that He will never love me less despite my mistakes
3. I will not let someone’s opinions, anger, or bitterness affect or change my perceptions and opinions
4. I will not say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’
5. I will not feel guilty for eating carbs and sugar. I like them both and when I try to stop or cut back, I want them more anyway
6. I never want to be too busy to help someone or to listen to them
7. I will not feel guilty for missing a day or a week of exercise…although my body, heart, and mind will be mad at me
8. I never want to view life as a glass half empty, it’s too awesome just being alive
9. Although I talk a lot of taking risks and fearing less, I do not want to sky dive…ever
10. I will not stop playing Candy Crush because sometimes we just need a little bit of brainless activity…

I do look back at 2013 with a thankful heart too. I reconnected with some old friends, I started a new job with an old boss that I love, I’ve met some amazing new people, my kids are awesome and never cease to amaze me, going through tough times I have realized I am abundantly blessed with friends and family that support me; it’s really quite overwhelming. You know that saying that what you put out into the world comes back to you ten fold…it’s true, so be kind. I look at 2014 with excitement and eyes wide open for whatever adventure lies ahead but life happens moment by moment and I just want to soak it all in. ‘Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards’~Soren Kierkergaard

Today I wear NYX Extra Creamy Round Lipstick in Snow White.This is a perfect red, exactly what you think Snow White would wear…not too orangey, more of a blue-red. The other plus is that it’s only $4.00. The formula is moisturizing and semi-long lasting. These lispticks can generally be found at Ulta or Target, they are really great! By the way, none of us need true love’s kiss to wake us up! Cheers and Happy New Year!

‘Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find….
No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken,live your life with arms wide open.Today is where your book begins,the rest is still unwritten‘~ Unwritten,Natasha Bedingfield

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Christmas Memories

21 Dec

Christmas

Christmas always brings lots of memories; some great ones, and some not so great. Growing up in Detroit, I remember my parents waking me up as a young child to attend the historic Old St Mary’s Church in Detroit to go to midnight mass. What I remember about it (since I was so young) was that it was huge and outrageously beautiful. But I also remember the pews being hard as I fell back asleep on them during mass (oops, I was REALLY young). Anyhow, traditionally, we would go back home afterward and eat until dawn. Though the church location changed when we moved to the suburbs, that tradition carried on through high school, sometimes with only my family, and sometimes with friends coming to our house. I remember moments around Christmas like ice skating around the frozen fountain at Belle Isle, the Thanksgiving Parade, and shopping at the old Hudson’s in downtown Detroit.

The two most memorable Christmas’s to me were both significant moments in my life. The first was awful, 2009. It was the morning of Christmas Eve 2009 when I was at the hospital with my three girlfriends at 6am. They came with with me to support me during my PET scan to check on suspicious activity in my neck. At this point I had and beat cancer twice already with my last surgery just the September before. They came with me to sit for the three hours it took to finish. When I came out, two were sleeping in chairs in the waiting room and I’ll never forget how grateful I was they had taken time away from their families to be with me that day. At 4:00 the same evening my doctor called and I received the devastating news that indeed the cancer was back. He said, “Merry Christmas, I’m sorry.” The other Christmas I remember was in the 4th grade, I was 8 or 9 and we had just moved to the suburbs from Detroit. At this time my parents were both working and my dad had even worked two jobs to move us to a nicer area. That Christmas I wrote Santa a long letter. I remember writing a list of things I wanted and then adding things for my hard working parents. When I came downstairs Christmas morning, nothing from my list was on the fireplace. All that was there was a large (to me it was life-sized) yellow, stuffed dog. I remember being a little disappointed that Santa hadn’t brought the presents I asked for for me and my parents, but I loved that stuffed animal. It stayed with me for years! Looking back I now realize that we didn’t have a lot of money and my parents gave me the best they had. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

After cancer and life’s difficulties in general, Christmas along with every day is special. We were given the gift of Jesus on Christmas Day and that is the best gift. Every moment, every memory, every breath whether Christmas or the days after is icing on the cake. Today’s lipstick is my favorite red Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Merlot. Moisturizing, deep red. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!

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Happiness

30 Nov

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”   ~Lucius Seneca

Thanksgiving has come and gone. This year was a quiet one for me and it was also the first year I haven’t cooked (remember a couple blogs ago how I felt about cooking?), so it was good. I was able to spend time with family and also a few friends over the past few days and actually laughed more than I have in awhile. I read the quote above and I find it to be so true. Happiness is one thing, but contentment is so much more. Enjoying the present and resting in the satisfaction of what we already have; just being grateful. There are many millionaires in this world who continue wanting more…are they happy? Contrast that with the poor, the people in impoverished countries, those who know nothing about turkey, pumpkin pie, or even simply clean water…are they content? I venture to say that at times maybe they are more content. This Thanksgiving I have so much to be grateful for and despite the many obstacles and stresses that life continues to bring, I’m content.  If you look in the dictionary the definitions for contentment and happiness are very similar if not the same in some, but I believe a little differently. Happiness comes and goes based on the situation whereas contentment brings in the grateful factor. What’s the definition of gratefulness? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is being thankful for a helpful act; appreciation of benefits received. Gratefulness is appreciating the gifts we have, the things in life that are free. Friendship, kindness, laughter, sunshine, snow, running water, etc. Open your eyes, every moment is a gift and we are never assured of the next moment. Do you have to be happy to be grateful? Just the opposite, you have to be grateful to be happy. I am outrageously grateful for what I have and the people that are in my life. I rest in the fact that there are many things I cannot control but I have a God that does.

Christmas is coming up and the hype of shopping and presents and things has officially arrived. It’s a great and beautiful time of year but it can also be a stressful time for some. The hunt for the perfect parking space, the hunt for the perfect present, combined with the stress of being with family, or having none. It’s a good time to stop and rest in the moment. Be that person to show kindness, compassion, patience; give the recipient a reason to be grateful whether they accept it or not.

Today it’s Rimmel Lasting Finish lipstick in Kiss of Life. On the web it looks like a deep plum…it’s red. These are matte so a little dry for me. I mainly chose this for the name. We could all use a Kiss of Life right? Cheers!

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Inspirations

24 Nov

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This week’s topic for my blogging group GBE2 is inspirations; movies, music, people, whatever or whomever is inspiring us lately. Well, this list could go on and on for me but not with famous musicians, athletes, movie stars, and not even Oprah. Really, just the people around me. My friends Dawn, Leanna, Frances, overcoming some difficult youth situations and using those experiences to help others (me in particular). Your incredible support astounds me. My friends Callie and Grace, supermoms for different reasons, your strength and courage in your daily situations blow me away. Thank you for your friendship always. Stacie who juggles work, family, and volunteerism but still has time to listen and support my family.  Lissa, despite her circumstances, continues to push to be a better mom; whose friendship goes above and beyond. Bev who adopted a beautiful little girl just as her son was leaving for college. Jill, inspiring me to bring ‘Anna’ back. Lori and Donna whose work in the communities never cease, amazing what one person can do. Michelle and Melissa, two fiercely strong women who stood by their men while juggling work and family, through all of the ups and downs of their cancer treatments. Steve and Paula, two mentors I look up to, all love, no judgment. Dr. Rubin, Dr. Menaldi, and Marie, whose belief in my voice and spirit to overcome never wavered. To my beautiful radiation partner and friend ‘B’ who despite being in severe pain and sitting in a hospital all week, still sends me notes of encouragement. ‘B’, you are one of the kindest and strongest men I know, so glad you’ve been a part of my life. Jen(Chapstick), who checks in consistently, always positive, always encouraging, always making me laugh. To my crazy friend who quotes movie lines and song lyrics, you inspire me to ‘stay gold’ (The Outsiders), and laugh. To my awesome kids who make me want to be a better mom and a better person all the time. My incredibly talented brother who continues to follow his dreams. Although there are many ups and downs, you always land on your feet (and always land a gig too). You are incredible and those times you may stop believing in yourself (nature of your industry), I will always believe in you. My parents, who left everything and everyone they knew for a better life for their kids. It wasn’t always easy but we were never in want or need of anything…plus look at how good we turned out (haha).

Like I said, I am surrounded by inspiring people, too many to mention. All different, all from different backgrounds, all with a story. There are many famous people we could look to for inspiration but I think it’s just as easy to look at the pool of people surrounding you. Everyone brings something to the world and I believe those around us, if even for a season, are there for a reason. ‘People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Never throw out anyone.’ ~Audrey Hepburn. Thank you all and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am not going to name a lipstick color but recommend you go to Sephora.com.  This is the best time of year for lipstick sets. Since the holidays are upon us many cosmetic companies put gift sets together of their most popular products in the most popular colors. Some are small versions but some are full sized, but all of the sets are specially priced and a lot less expensive than normal. NOW is the time to try something new! Cheers!

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Honesty

22 Nov
Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography. Thanks Leanna!

Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography.
Thanks Leanna!

The other day I was at the grocery store. When I hit the bath soap section, I grabbed what I needed and a woman stopped me. She looked ok, dressed casually, honest eyes, smile….she asked which soap I thought was better and why I picked up the one I did. She went on to explain to me her skin type and told me the different soaps she’d already tried. Mind you, I had just gone to a 2 hour hot yoga class, therefore I was in yoga pants, sweatshirt, no make up…you get the idea, not my finest moment, but clearly I was not an employee of the store. I basically shared with her, I’m not picky about soap, I had a coupon. Well, she grabbed the same stuff. I told her I hoped she liked it and started walking away until she said, ‘Your face is so pretty and your skin is beautiful. What face wash do you use?’ Now it was getting weird. I told her the face wash and she asked me if I could walk her over to that section and show her exactly which one. At this point, I casually looked down at my purse to make sure it was zipped and really stared at her and her person to try to memorize it in case I had to fill out a police report later. I walked her over to the face wash and she started asking about skin type, why I use this, what about makeup remover, etc…eventually I cut her off and told her I really had to go. Strangely enough, the Dove Moisturizing Body Wash and the Aveeno Positively Radiant face wash was all she left with.

Walking to the parking lot (this was morning), I kept my eyes peeled for her, and when I got home I turned on my computer to check my credit card balance. Yes, that was a super strange interaction but thinking about it more big picture…we have become a society that doesn’t trust that easily. What happened to simply people talking and the kindness of strangers? On the news you see the stories of people who didn’t stop for the guy getting beaten up and on the other side though, the good Samaritan gone bad. It makes me sad that I was so ‘suspect’ of the friendly woman with the soap questions, but that has become our society. I know many people who have told me I’m too trusting and that they need people to earn their trust. I choose to trust first then get hurt later by dishonesty, maybe that’s the wrong way to do it, but I’d rather live open hearted. I think in the process of earning trust, you can close yourself off to possibly great relationships during that ‘test’ of trust. Conversely, trusting first can lead to bad heartache, especially when you believe in someone. Oh well, there’s no right or wrong I guess. I wish the times were different but I can’t change that, all I can change is me. Although I love social media, texting, cell phone, etc…I want to be that kind stranger, the one who is able to freely converse with whoever without expectation. Billy Joel sings, ‘Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue…‘ Sad, makes my heart hurt. We’ve lost human interaction, eye contact, and the vulnerability of being honest…let’s get it back!

Today I wear Flower Kiss Stick Velvet Lip Color in Tender Tuberose. Yes, I bought this from the store that day…This lipstick is moisturizing and inexpensive. I chose this color because it’s an easy, every day color and also for the name. Let’s be tender with each other. Cheers!

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Friends

6 Nov

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It’s November and I haven’t written in a while. You know when you’re so busy that you feel like if you stop running for just a moment, life will run you over? Sometimes that’s how I feel. Well, today that picture above was the scene on my street. Just last week those trees were full of different brightly colored fall leaves and today, they’re almost bare which only means one thing here in Michigan….winter. While during challenging or difficult times, certain areas of life seem to move in slow motion (I can almost hear the clock ticking second by second ever so slowly like water dripping), generally I think time moves so fast, I can’t believe 2013 is almost over. Tonight I got to spend some time with some of my sorority sisters from jen2college. It’s been awhile since I had seen many of them but even after 20 years I still think we look the same, again, where did those 20 years go? Two of my most favorite people were there and it was great. One I get to see fairly regularly and the other, not enough. One thing I know for sure is that great friendships last a lifetime. I could go months or even years without seeing them but the minute we start talking it’s like we never left. “We’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet. Even longer,’ Pooh answered.”   ~ AA Milne, Winnie the Poohanne and jen

Life has been a wild ride for what seems to me, a long time. Through cancer and life post cancer, friends have really stepped it up. Some of the things they did and have done for me jenhave been extraordinary and I know I will never be able to repay their kindness and support. Isn’t that what friendship’s about? Giving without expecting?  I am so grateful for all of the friends who have and continue to stand by me and support me, and to all my new friends too. I don’t believe we meet people by accident, so welcome to my world. Life would not be fun without you, you’re my heroes.

Today I wear Urban Decay Revolutionary Lipstick in Venom which is a really bright plum. These lipsticks are pretty awesome, full of color and moisturizing at the same time. My friend Jen in the pictures was one of my lipstick inspirations. Back in college, she wore hot pink lipstick everyday while I wore my Chapstick trying to hide my big lips. Since then, I have learned to love my lips and whenever I buy something bright (like today’s color), I still think of her. Thanks Jen! Cheers!

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Broken Heart

23 Oct

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I am heartbroken today. In April 2010, after my third surgery for cancer in my neck, I went through seven weeks of head and neck radiation. If you are not familiar with the process, based on your cancer, the radiation oncologist determines how much and how long your treatment will be; then  you are scheduled to receive that treatment at generally the same time everyday so that the amount of radiation running through your system stays consistent. So, every single day for seven weeks I was bolted to a table from my shoulders up, for a half an hour using the device made for me pictured below…it was not fun. The first week I was there I met ‘B’. We were two out of the 3-5 patients in the patient waiting room receiving radiation during our time frame. Since we saw each other every day around the same time, we got to know each other. Turns out, we had the same type of cancer, we both had a paralyzed vocal cord from the surgery, we both had the same radiation oncologist, and we had the same duration of therapy. Every day, we would talk about our struggles, our families, and our hopes and dreams for when we were finally cancer free. When the treatments got difficult, we would talk about it and I could always count on ‘B’ being there to encourage me to press on. Toward the end of treatment, we were both struggling, but we were able to do the daily countdown until the last day or ‘radiation graduation’. By the time the 7 weeks was over, I had a friend for life.radiation

For the past few years since then, we have kept in touch. We emailed each other our triumphs and struggles, he spoke of his wife and grandkids and the plans they had. We kept each other posted on cancer scares, tests, etc. We never lost touch. Over the past few months ‘B’ was struggling with various things and all I could do was pray and encourage him. Today, I got an email from him telling me ‘good-bye.’ His cancer has spread, and some to an inoperable area, he has just a few months left. I cried (and am still crying) from some of the words he wrote to me today. “Keep the faith , my sweet Anna, and I will remember that genuine smile of yours over your shoulder in the hallway in radiation oncology. Goodbye my friend, never give up. See you on the other side.” I am so sad. We went through a lot in that 7 weeks and ‘B’ was my guardian angel.  Despite the pain, he also had an encouraging smile on his face every day in that little waiting room. I know we are all only given a short amount of time on this earth, I am blessed to have known ‘B’. Thank you ‘B’, I love you…see you on the other side.

No lipstick today, just me, plain and simple.

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