Tag Archives: survivor

Memories

4 May

maskI did something tonight that made me cry. The tears and emotion actually took me by surprise. May 10, 2010 was my last external beam radiation treatment for the cancer that wouldn’t leave me. For those not familiar with head and neck radiation you are fitted for a mask that is placed on you as you are bolted down to a table while getting radiation. I have saved this mask for years (in the basement). It’s creepy but I had several ideas running through my mind as to what to do with it. I originally thought some type of paper mache artwork mounted on my wall, then (since there are holes), possibly an earring/jewelry holder. Strange I know but I didn’t want to let the darn thing go. I felt like it would serve as a reminder of what I went through but today, I let it go. While cleaning my house and trying to simplify my life, I decided it was time to throw it out and when I did I felt a rush of emotion. So much has happened in my life since May 2010. The mask not only reminded me of the recurrent cancer battle, but also how much my kids had gone through and had grown since then, all the awesome people and lifelong friends I met, and really just how much my life has changed. Throwing the mask away made me miss my radiation friend Bob who I wrote about before, made me miss some of the doctors and staff who took great care of me during that strange 3 year period of my life, but it also made me think about the present and the future. How despite the twists and turns since then, I feel blessed, have joy, and mostly have hope for the future. My 17 year old son was watching me as I stared and cried at my mask.

Me, ‘Why am I crying?’ AJ, ‘Because you remember.’ I do remember, I’m sure he does too. I am so grateful. meandaj

I couldn’t be more grateful that the mask no longer has a use. It is just a memory; a painful, sad, but blessed memory that has given me strength and added to who I am today. I didn’t really need the actual mask to remember it all. What are some other things we can’t seem to part with? Most of the time the memories are enough.

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Bansar which is a perfect rose brown color you can use every day. I love these lip pencils becuase the are actually longer lasting and not drying at all! As for the name, who knows what that means but who cares, the color’s great. Cheers!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Santa

24 Dec

yellowdog
Last night I stayed awake wrapping all the presents I had for my kids, parents, and others I had bought presents for this Christmas. I am one of those very last minute shoppers because I really don’t like shopping that much, especially this time of year, so in addition to wrapping presents last night, yesterday was also when I purchased most of the presents as well. A couple things always happen to me when I wrap Christmas presents. First, I second guess what I bought because I like to try to purchase things that not only people like but also may have some type of meaning. Second, I start getting a little irritated that I bought so much junk to make sure my kids are happy. Generally speaking I buy each kids one big present, Santa gets them a present, then their stockings are filled with things like socks and candy. It’s not too bad but as they get older, their one or two presents become more and more expensive.

When I was young we didn’t have tons of money to spare, both my parents worked and sometimes my dad worked two jobs just to make sure his family had everything they needed. I never remember a time when we were without. My letters to Santa always included a request to also bring my parents something whether it was a watch, a jacket, a shirt, extra money, just anything to help them or really just to thank them for all the sacrifices they made for me. I think I wrote about this before but there was a year when I had asked for a few things like usual hoping to get one thing off my list (I liked giving Santa choices). I believe I was 9 or 10 and had asked for a red jacket, a bike, probably some toys, then something for both of my parents. I dollsremember walking downstairs Christmas morning in anticipation and seeing a large stuffed animal, a big stuffed yellow dog sitting in front of the fireplace. This was not on my list. It was the only present I got that year and you know what happened? I loved it, and even as a child, I knew it was the best my parents could do that year and I was super grateful. I named him ‘Yellow Dog’ (I know, creative) and I kept that stuffed animal for years. As I wrapped the presents last night I wondered if I was spoiling my kids and if they would be grateful if they only got one present?’Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.’~Charles Dickens,

Dear Santa,

Well, here’s my list this year:

Joy through the holidays…and forever
Peace in my home (and around my home…you know what I’m talking about); World peace would be good too by the way since you’re making your way around the world
For my kids to all get along for longer periods of time and for them to do their chores without complaining at least once a month
For my office to magically become organized
A personal chef
And of course, the perfect shade of lipstick 🙂

Thank You in advance, Anna

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lonely

20 May

photo (4)

Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bottom

19 Sep

Remember that ice cream treat you would get from the ice cream truck with the bubble gum at the bottom? I would eat that ice cream so fast just to get to the bubblegum (which would lose it’s flavor within 10 seconds); or when you opened that box of Cracker Jacks you couldn’t wait to eat it all so you could get to the prize at the bottom of the box (by the way, the prize is now at the top of the box to conform to our instant gratification world)? Then there are those phrases, ‘save the best for last’, ‘the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow, ‘can’t wait til retirement to do all the things I want to do.’ Why do we rush through things to get to the bottom, the end, retirement?

This week one of the kids I grew up with found out that his wife’s cancer is back. She had breast cancer the year before my cancer and they just found out it is now in her bones. My son came home a couple days ago and said that one of his friends’ dad had a massive heart attack while jogging and passed away that day, he was only 50 years old. Two of my mom’s frends were diagnosed with cancer, one breast, the other prostate. It has been a wild and sad week, which brings me back to what I was talking about in the beginning. Why are we rushing through the days in hopes of the prize at the bottom? Why are we waiting for retirement to enjoy life? Why are we making bucket lists but waiting for the right time? Now is the time. Life is so short and can change in a blink of an eye. When we rush through hoping for the prize at the end, we miss what’s in front of us. Even if the only positive thing in the day is the sun shining…stick your face out there and soak it in. We work and work toward retirement in hopes that that is when we will enjoy our days, well, what if those days never come or what if you’re incapable of doing the things you thought you wanted to do? Again, now is the time. Tackle your bucket list now. Enjoy life now. Tell people you love them now. Hold them close now. 

Today I wear Nars lipgloss in Wonder which is a peachy pink color. Nars lipglosses are not too sticky and depending on the color, fairly sheer. This color looks really peachy, but if your lips have a plum undertone it cancels out the orange and the color shows up as a sheer pop of pale pink, just the right neutral for every day. I chose this color because I like it but I also like the name, shouldn’t we live life in sheer wonder and gratitude for every day we get? Cheers!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Newer Entries →