This has been an interesting week. It started with being buried in the snow and being trapped in my own house. Then, a friend called and told me that she is going through some tough times. I offered my home and listening ear to her so she has been staying here while sorting things through. Sitting and listening to her situation while also considering mine, there is one thing I know for sure…no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Going through all that I have gone through including the cancer, I was surprised, yet, not really. So much happens in people’s lives and unless you are walking in their shoes, you really don’t know. My neighbor who read my book awhile back told me that she didn’t realize all I had gone through with the cancer and said, ‘I had no idea, there’s so much that goes on behind closed doors,’ She’s right. So what should we do? What can we do? We can be present to those who are in our lives. We can listen and be supportive. We can only give advice based on our personal experiences and journeys, but we can’t expect them to feel the same way or to listen to our advice because again, they are walking their own path. Lastly, we can’t judge, it’s not our place, and the last time I checked, the seat at God’s right hand was already taken. I heard this song by Coldplay this morning and thought about my friend. Here is a link to a sweet ukelele cover of Coldplay’s Fix You. As much as I want to help her ‘fix’ her situation, it’s not my place. I will simply open my home, my heart, and listen. I do want to say thank you to all my awesome friends and family who have been there for me throughout my path with homes, hearts, and listening ears. I am forever grateful. I took all these pictures of doors in Europe because not only were they beautiful, but I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the truth behind the doors and within the walls. We’re all so different…it’s pretty cool to sit back and listen.
Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick in Prayer. I really like these lipsticks because they are packed with color and are moisturizing at the same time. Prayer is kind of a mauvey-brown which is a great every day color for me and pretty much everyone else. I chose this color this time because I believe in the power of prayer and that is one thing we can definitely do for hurting people! Cheers!
Behind the Door
8 JanAnti-Resolutions
30 Dec
Christmas 2013 has come and gone and now the countdown to a New Year is upon us. I cannot believe it will be 2014 in a few short days but I am so ready. 2013 has not been a great year for me but at least I end on a healthy note. It started with bad numbers in my blood work from January leading my physicians to believe that my cancer was back but in a different area of my body. From there, the different scenarios; insurance that wouldn’t pay for testing because of my pre-existing condition, then the one unwilling to pay for the expenses of the PET scan, ultrasound, etc., followed by the numerous friends that offered to do fund raisers so I could have answers. Then the passing of my friend, and cancer angel, Bob. The toll of all of those on my brain and body; depression, anxiety, etc. and all that has transpired since then…. For now, I am cancer free and moving forward. Most people set resolutions right about this time, goals they want to achieve, promises they make to themselves about health and life in general. After cancer I reassess those things daily, so annual resolutions are not something I think about,I tend to just ‘go’ with life. Someone I know said to me a short while ago, ‘So just because you had cancer you think you’re strong now?’ Without a doubt. Lesson #1 from 2013: Watch your words, they stem from your heart. Enough of the negative can really damage a person and their soul…blog for another day.
So back to the resolutions…yes, I have the typical thoughts of eating right, exercising, being grateful, etc, but for today I thought I’d set my anti-resolutions; things I don’t want to do in 2014:
1. I will not let any person dictate to me how I should act or feel or who I should hang out with; I already have a God that counsels me on that
2. I do not want to ever forget that God is in control and that He will never love me less despite my mistakes
3. I will not let someone’s opinions, anger, or bitterness affect or change my perceptions and opinions
4. I will not say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’
5. I will not feel guilty for eating carbs and sugar. I like them both and when I try to stop or cut back, I want them more anyway
6. I never want to be too busy to help someone or to listen to them
7. I will not feel guilty for missing a day or a week of exercise…although my body, heart, and mind will be mad at me
8. I never want to view life as a glass half empty, it’s too awesome just being alive
9. Although I talk a lot of taking risks and fearing less, I do not want to sky dive…ever
10. I will not stop playing Candy Crush because sometimes we just need a little bit of brainless activity…
I do look back at 2013 with a thankful heart too. I reconnected with some old friends, I started a new job with an old boss that I love, I’ve met some amazing new people, my kids are awesome and never cease to amaze me, going through tough times I have realized I am abundantly blessed with friends and family that support me; it’s really quite overwhelming. You know that saying that what you put out into the world comes back to you ten fold…it’s true, so be kind. I look at 2014 with excitement and eyes wide open for whatever adventure lies ahead but life happens moment by moment and I just want to soak it all in. ‘Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards’~Soren Kierkergaard
Today I wear NYX Extra Creamy Round Lipstick in Snow White.This is a perfect red, exactly what you think Snow White would wear…not too orangey, more of a blue-red. The other plus is that it’s only $4.00. The formula is moisturizing and semi-long lasting. These lispticks can generally be found at Ulta or Target, they are really great! By the way, none of us need true love’s kiss to wake us up! Cheers and Happy New Year!
‘Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find….
No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken,live your life with arms wide open.Today is where your book begins,the rest is still unwritten‘~ Unwritten,Natasha Bedingfield
Christmas Memories
21 Dec
Christmas always brings lots of memories; some great ones, and some not so great. Growing up in Detroit, I remember my parents waking me up as a young child to attend the historic Old St Mary’s Church in Detroit to go to midnight mass. What I remember about it (since I was so young) was that it was huge and outrageously beautiful. But I also remember the pews being hard as I fell back asleep on them during mass (oops, I was REALLY young). Anyhow, traditionally, we would go back home afterward and eat until dawn. Though the church location changed when we moved to the suburbs, that tradition carried on through high school, sometimes with only my family, and sometimes with friends coming to our house. I remember moments around Christmas like ice skating around the frozen fountain at Belle Isle, the Thanksgiving Parade, and shopping at the old Hudson’s in downtown Detroit.
The two most memorable Christmas’s to me were both significant moments in my life. The first was awful, 2009. It was the morning of Christmas Eve 2009 when I was at the hospital with my three girlfriends at 6am. They came with with me to support me during my PET scan to check on suspicious activity in my neck. At this point I had and beat cancer twice already with my last surgery just the September before. They came with me to sit for the three hours it took to finish. When I came out, two were sleeping in chairs in the waiting room and I’ll never forget how grateful I was they had taken time away from their families to be with me that day. At 4:00 the same evening my doctor called and I received the devastating news that indeed the cancer was back. He said, “Merry Christmas, I’m sorry.” The other Christmas I remember was in the 4th grade, I was 8 or 9 and we had just moved to the suburbs from Detroit. At this time my parents were both working and my dad had even worked two jobs to move us to a nicer area. That Christmas I wrote Santa a long letter. I remember writing a list of things I wanted and then adding things for my hard working parents. When I came downstairs Christmas morning, nothing from my list was on the fireplace. All that was there was a large (to me it was life-sized) yellow, stuffed dog. I remember being a little disappointed that Santa hadn’t brought the presents I asked for for me and my parents, but I loved that stuffed animal. It stayed with me for years! Looking back I now realize that we didn’t have a lot of money and my parents gave me the best they had. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.
After cancer and life’s difficulties in general, Christmas along with every day is special. We were given the gift of Jesus on Christmas Day and that is the best gift. Every moment, every memory, every breath whether Christmas or the days after is icing on the cake. Today’s lipstick is my favorite red Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Merlot. Moisturizing, deep red. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!
Alone
12 Dec
When I was in college I volunteered at a local hospital to help wherever they needed. I was assigned to the pediatric unit to basically ‘socialize’ with the kids that were there for long periods of time. It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do and many days I would leave in tears. I remember many of the kids not actually looking sick, but then starting to cough things up without ceasing, or seeing the IV lines attached to them, there was even a child with HIV who they had in a back corner room because in the late 80’s/early 90’s, there was still a lot we didn’t understand about HIV. I basically was there a few days a week to read to them, play games, and even Atari. If you don’t know Atari, it was the original home video gaming system…black and white, totally fun. Anyhow, parents and relatives did come to visit on occasion but most of the time these kids were alone. Fast forward to my cancer journey and I remember after the first surgery I was given a very bad prognosis…essentially told I didn’t have much longer because my cancer was aggressive and it was all over the place. After staying in the ICU for a couple days I was brought to a regular patient room for several more days to recover. I had a few visitors, but for the most part I was alone…and scared. From then, my heart has had a burden for those stuck in their hospital rooms without any support. Granted, many people may have support who cannot stay with them 24/7 but it’s the in-between times that silence, fear, uncertainty, and sadness take over. I had a job a few years back which brought me to various floors in the hospital and when I would pass rooms with patients who were alone, my heart would break because I remember how it felt.
So where does that lead me? The other day I spoke to someone at a local hospital about the holidays and how hard it must be for patients who have to be there. I shared a little of my story and my passion for making sure people had less alone time and asked if there was something, even something small that I could do. We talked about my singing and how my voice was affected but still able, and then he asked…’would you like to come and sing Christmas carols to people in their hospital rooms?’ I got emotional immediately. First, it’s kind of a miracle that I can still sing, but to be able to share that with people to help them feel less alone over the holiday season? Of course. He asked if I would start in the cancer unit then move to other parts of the hospital….duh, yes. SO here’s the big picture, do we have to go to a hospital to find people who feel alone? I don’t think so, I think they’re all around us. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Today I wear Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Lovelight which is a peachy pink shimmer. Yes I love these lipsticks; highly moisturizing, great colors, and fairly long lasting. Lovelight on me just adds shimmer to my natural lip color so it’s easy to wear. I chose it today mainly for the name…show a little love. Cheers!
People
8 Dec
Ok, I have a little writer’s block right now. Maybe because my week was ordinary? Or maybe my eyes were too focused on me and not seeking the extraordinary moments of every day? Nevertheless, a few significant things did happen this week in the world. There were two highly reported deaths in the news. The first was Paul Walker from The Fast and Furious franchise. People viewed him as too young, too handsome, too kind. He was one of those extremely private movie stars but as you listen to the stories, he was truly a nice guy; genuine, kind, authentic. There are stories of his charitable foundation and of his random, anonymous acts of kindness. On the other end of the spectrum, Nelson Mandela. He changed the world. He stood for democracy,freedom, harmony, and peace. The contributions he made to his people and society in general are far reaching. Then in my little world, my friend ‘B’-Bob was buried this week. I will never forget his impact on me and my life, let alone his family and friends. Although these three men come from all walks of life and had different ‘positions’ in the world, they all had significant contributions on people’s lives. Paul Walker, besides being an actor, he was a father and died on his way to an event of his organization to help the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. Nelson Mandela, his impact on people’s lives are too long to list. Bob, his love and support for me during a tough time will always be remembered and cherished. What do the three have in common, what will they be most remembered for? Their treatment of people. I found a really long quote from Maya Angelou. I was thinking of a way to take pieces from it, but I can’t. The whole thing sums it up perfectly, especially the last sentence:
“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou
Today I wear Ulta Tinted Lip Balm in Toast. I LOVE these! They are inexpensive, moisturize, and add color! Toast is a deep wine/red which provides enough color not to be crazy. I chose it for both the color and the name…toasting these three gentlemen and life! Cheers!
Honesty
22 Nov
Photo courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography.
Thanks Leanna!
The other day I was at the grocery store. When I hit the bath soap section, I grabbed what I needed and a woman stopped me. She looked ok, dressed casually, honest eyes, smile….she asked which soap I thought was better and why I picked up the one I did. She went on to explain to me her skin type and told me the different soaps she’d already tried. Mind you, I had just gone to a 2 hour hot yoga class, therefore I was in yoga pants, sweatshirt, no make up…you get the idea, not my finest moment, but clearly I was not an employee of the store. I basically shared with her, I’m not picky about soap, I had a coupon. Well, she grabbed the same stuff. I told her I hoped she liked it and started walking away until she said, ‘Your face is so pretty and your skin is beautiful. What face wash do you use?’ Now it was getting weird. I told her the face wash and she asked me if I could walk her over to that section and show her exactly which one. At this point, I casually looked down at my purse to make sure it was zipped and really stared at her and her person to try to memorize it in case I had to fill out a police report later. I walked her over to the face wash and she started asking about skin type, why I use this, what about makeup remover, etc…eventually I cut her off and told her I really had to go. Strangely enough, the Dove Moisturizing Body Wash and the Aveeno Positively Radiant face wash was all she left with.
Walking to the parking lot (this was morning), I kept my eyes peeled for her, and when I got home I turned on my computer to check my credit card balance. Yes, that was a super strange interaction but thinking about it more big picture…we have become a society that doesn’t trust that easily. What happened to simply people talking and the kindness of strangers? On the news you see the stories of people who didn’t stop for the guy getting beaten up and on the other side though, the good Samaritan gone bad. It makes me sad that I was so ‘suspect’ of the friendly woman with the soap questions, but that has become our society. I know many people who have told me I’m too trusting and that they need people to earn their trust. I choose to trust first then get hurt later by dishonesty, maybe that’s the wrong way to do it, but I’d rather live open hearted. I think in the process of earning trust, you can close yourself off to possibly great relationships during that ‘test’ of trust. Conversely, trusting first can lead to bad heartache, especially when you believe in someone. Oh well, there’s no right or wrong I guess. I wish the times were different but I can’t change that, all I can change is me. Although I love social media, texting, cell phone, etc…I want to be that kind stranger, the one who is able to freely converse with whoever without expectation. Billy Joel sings, ‘Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue…‘ Sad, makes my heart hurt. We’ve lost human interaction, eye contact, and the vulnerability of being honest…let’s get it back!
Today I wear Flower Kiss Stick Velvet Lip Color in Tender Tuberose. Yes, I bought this from the store that day…This lipstick is moisturizing and inexpensive. I chose this color because it’s an easy, every day color and also for the name. Let’s be tender with each other. Cheers!
Thankful
20 Nov
I saw a quote the other day ‘I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles…so are the families and friends who have stood by them.’~ Christopher Reeve
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have so much to be thankful for. But today, I want to thank all the people who are and have been a part of my cancer journey. It’s really difficult to express my feelings of gratitude to those pre-, post, and during my cancer journey because thank you doesn’t seem enough. Maybe because thank you is used too much? More than thank you, I have a deep love for all those in my life. When I got cancer, not only was I surrounded by friends locally, but people from my past that I had lost touch with, sent cards, e-mails, and even care packages. I even had a good friend offer to fly here to just sit with me. It’s really overwhelming. I want to thank my doctors and entire medical team who went above and beyond what they needed to do; who called on their off hours to see how I was doing, who made calls to their connections to make sure I had the best treatment. Thank you to all those who brought meals to my family….little did you know it was some of the best food they have ever eaten and we were all depressed when the meals stopped (refer to #19 on my last blog). Thanks also to all of you who follow me on my blog, twitter, Facebook fan page…your continuing support, comments, and private messages inspire me. Thank you to my family, especially my parents, too much to say. Every single interaction you have with someone, even if just for a moment leaves them with something. If you choose to be kind and respectful in those moments, it comes back to you ten-fold.
It’s been a long road and the journey continues on with different obstacles so where does that leave me today? Grateful and looking forward to the future. I’m not the hero, I was forced to be strong. You are all my heroes. To the new people in my life, welcome, hope you hang around awhile. Cat Stevens sings that it’s a wild world and yes it is, but truly living in it is worth it.
Today I wear Chantecaille Brilliant lip gloss in Lucky. These glosses are moisturizing and a little plumping (which my lips obviously don’t need). The colors are soft and pretty. Lucky is just a soft pink which is easy to wear. I chose it mainly for the name. I don’t really believe in luck, but I feel so lucky and blessed to have all of you. Cheers!
PTSD
9 Nov
Yesterday I met with a good friend whose fiancé just finished his last cancer treatment. She asked what life was like after cancer and what to expect emotionally, physically, etc. This one’s tough to answer because everyone is different. My fight is a little different than some because my cancer has come back a few times, but I believe most of the emotions are the same whether you were diagnosed once, twice, or however many times. Cancer is cancer. There is no easy cancer. Being told you have cancer, then mustering up all you have to fight back is one thing, but after? When they tell you ‘you’re done’? It’s a little like post traumatic stress disorder; trying to cope and adjust after a terrifying or traumatic event. It’s been almost three years since my last treatment and I just recently got my first totally clean bill of health, ever, believe it or not, I feel like I’m going through a grieving process…again. I’m sad that I can’t trust my own body. I was in my 30’s, healthy and active when this all started and boom, I find out there are cells I can’t see inside of me trying to kill me. I’m sad that I can’t do some of the things I used to do without struggling to breathe because of the attack on my neck. I’m sad that my kids are afraid to ask what my test results are and I’m even more sad that I scared them because they’ve seen me so sick. I’m sad that I wasted so much time and energy worrying about stupid inconsequential stuff before I had cancer; stupid stuff is just that…stupid. There are so many things to grieve because after cancer and dealing with your mortality, you not only think about where you came from, but more importantly, of where you want to be. I recently visited a friend who is a massage therapist and polarity therapist . After her treatment I asked her what my body was telling her and she told me that besides the overwhelming feeling that my body was in constant self protection mode (not healthy), that I had a broken heart. Guess what, it made me sad. Now, I have known her for a very long time and she told me she remembers a girl with a fire inside of her, I replied, ‘I miss her too.’
What happens now? ‘The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.’ ~ Eleanor Roosevelt. Count me in. Despite the sadness, I am alive. Some of the great things post cancer is that I’m more patient, I don’t worry about stupid stuff, I try to understand people better and listen to their stories, I have less fear, I dream bigger, I care less about what people think of me, I love deeper, and yes, my heart breaks even more. I’m less tolerant of anger, hate, and jerks in general. After the first surgery my prognosis was bad. When you’re given an end date your perspective on life changes a little; I’m more focused on peace, adventure, and how I want the rest of my ‘living’ to look like. I’m hoping someday to regain more confidence in my body cooperating with me, and I’m hoping to find that girl with the fire inside of her once again. Life is short and it’s totally worth living.
Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent…yeah, it’s red! These lipsticks have lots of color but are surprisingly rich and moisturizing (although not as moisturizing as some of the others). I chose this color mainly for the name; I have so many shades of red lipstick but who could resist the name? Hellbent on living life! Cheers!
Friends
6 Nov
It’s November and I haven’t written in a while. You know when you’re so busy that you feel like if you stop running for just a moment, life will run you over? Sometimes that’s how I feel. Well, today that picture above was the scene on my street. Just last week those trees were full of different brightly colored fall leaves and today, they’re almost bare which only means one thing here in Michigan….winter. While during challenging or difficult times, certain areas of life seem to move in slow motion (I can almost hear the clock ticking second by second ever so slowly like water dripping), generally I think time moves so fast, I can’t believe 2013 is almost over. Tonight I got to spend some time with some of my sorority sisters from 
college. It’s been awhile since I had seen many of them but even after 20 years I still think we look the same, again, where did those 20 years go? Two of my most favorite people were there and it was great. One I get to see fairly regularly and the other, not enough. One thing I know for sure is that great friendships last a lifetime. I could go months or even years without seeing them but the minute we start talking it’s like we never left. “We’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet. Even longer,’ Pooh answered.” ~ AA Milne, Winnie the Pooh
Life has been a wild ride for what seems to me, a long time. Through cancer and life post cancer, friends have really stepped it up. Some of the things they did and have done for me 
have been extraordinary and I know I will never be able to repay their kindness and support. Isn’t that what friendship’s about? Giving without expecting? I am so grateful for all of the friends who have and continue to stand by me and support me, and to all my new friends too. I don’t believe we meet people by accident, so welcome to my world. Life would not be fun without you, you’re my heroes.
Today I wear Urban Decay Revolutionary Lipstick in Venom which is a really bright plum. These lipsticks are pretty awesome, full of color and moisturizing at the same time. My friend Jen in the pictures was one of my lipstick inspirations. Back in college, she wore hot pink lipstick everyday while I wore my Chapstick trying to hide my big lips. Since then, I have learned to love my lips and whenever I buy something bright (like today’s color), I still think of her. Thanks Jen! Cheers!
My Birthday
25 Oct
Today is my birthday. It is bittersweet for me because I am still thinking about my friend ‘B’ from my last blog. Yesterday, for my job, I had to go to the place I met ‘B’ and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about all that transpired there. I walked in with a heavy heart thinking I was walking in healthy this time, while he walked out just days before with his news. It’s really a lot of emotions. One thing I know about ‘B’ is he really knew how to live. Cancer was not the only obstacle he faced in life. He was in the Vietnam War, he was a POW, he had a stroke prior to his cancer diagnosis…so much, and he constantly told me to ‘not sweat the small stuff’ and to hold my kids close. It’s so simple yet we ask for so much, don’t we?
Growing up my family was always big on celebrating birthdays. Not necessarily with huge parties, but always recognizing the day and making you feel special. Part of that I think, is when we came from the Philippines when I was two, we didn’t have any other family here. Anytime we could celebrate each other, we did. Birthdays for me post cancer have taken even more meaning; every time I do a Relay for Life Walk, I see T-shirts and signs saying Happy Birthday and they always make me cry. The American Cancer Society’s saying is ‘Creating More Birthdays.’ Yes, it is just a day, but to me, it’s now a day to remember the past and to look forward with hope for the future. It’s also a day I get to re-evaluate my bucket list. When I was younger I had some outrageous dreams and goals many of which I have been able to achieve. Today, I still of course have some crazy dreams that I pray will happen, but my focus is more on the simple. Taking my cue from ‘B’:
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Open your heart and love people. Yes it hurts more when you hurt, but it’s worth it
- Don’t take things too seriously, laugh more (even if it’s at yourself)
- Take more risks
- Do what you can do, and let go of the rest
- Listen to people’s stories before judging
- Be kind, smile often
- Be a hero
- Party like it’s 1999 (just kidding…not really)
I also finally have some good news to share…my blood work that I have been waiting for for the first time is CLEAN!! My doctor who’s usually even keeled and calm shouted, ‘I have good news!’ the minute I said ‘hello’. He said my levels are undetectable and then said, see you in a year. A YEAR!! I have been checked every three to six months for the past 5 years and now he says, ‘it’s over, see you next year.’ I’m ecstatic and finally kind of able to take a step back and breathe. So today, I wear one of my favorite red/burgundy lipsticks of all time, Lancôme L’Absolu’ Rouge lipstick in Merlot. I love it because the formula is creamy and not drying, second, the color is a deeper red so my lips are not shouting ‘I’M HERE!’, and third, it’s my birthday and I love a good Merlot. Let’s celebrate life, CHEERS!
Anna's Lipstick Journey 