Tag Archives: thyroid cancer

History

9 Jan

 

 

Recently Facebook added a feature called Timeline. I haven’t really checked into it but for those who have changed over, it looks really cool.  I wish I was more computer savvy because I don’t even know how to turn my profile into the ‘timeline’ (among other things), but the feature basically chronicles in order your pictures and posts for I don’t know how far back (maybe you all can help me with this). I’ve heard some comments from some of my friends saying they did not like this feature because they were forced to look at old pictures and older comments which some have regretted putting out there. Facebook made our days public and now it’s in chronological order for all to see. Are there things in your past you wish you could take back or change? I read a quote which said, “People are trapped in history, and history is trapped in them.” ~James Baldwin, Notes of a Native Son.

If you’ve read my book or my blog (well, obviously you’re here), you know that I love hearing people’s stories. We are all shaped by people, events, and decisions from our past. The quote I mentioned says that people are trapped in history, well, to some extent we are. I decided to pursue science over music and here I am, trapped? Not really, just a different path. I have a friend who grew up in a home of alcoholics, his siblings are now both alcoholics, but him….no. He decided to change the pattern of history and create a new legacy for him and his family. The second part of the quote says that history is trapped in them. Absolutely, we are who we are because of where we came from. My cancer is part of my history, my story, but I will not let it trap me. We have the chance every day to learn lessons from our past, some things we controlled and some we did not (cancer). Everyone has a story but the hope is that we are not trapped in the story of our past. Move forward and create new moments to add to your history. As Natasha Bedingfield sings, “staring at the blank page before you…..the rest is still unwritten”

Today I wear Mally lipgloss in Life’s a Beach, a soft caramel with a hint of gold. It’s a beautiful color anyone can wear. This particular gloss is from her ‘Life, Love and A Really Great Gloss’ lipgloss collection…HOW CLEVER, also, life’s a beach…who can argue with that name?

 

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Back to Work

2 Jan

Well, it’s a new year and I finally start back to work tomorrow. I have been off since December 16th so it’s been a L-O-N-G break (I saved my vacation days til the end). I think I’ll do it differently next year because being off so long makes me not want to go back tomorrow. I spent a ton of time with the kids, I was able to read alot and write alot, and of course, dive into an exercise regimen which will have to change tomorrow. I have worked most of my life. I was fourteen when I started working at Burger King (back in the early 80’s you could work 8 hours a week if you were at least 14 and 6 months) and I have not stopped since. I worked through high school and college, sometimes two jobs, and finally stopped to stay home with my kids after the third was born for 4 years (that was a special treat)!

Tomorrow I go back to a job, a career, which I actually fell into over 20 years ago. In college, I started as a music major and dance minor. Music is my love and passion and I loved every minute of it. I was in college productions and choirs and spent extra time in the dance studio or piano rehearsal rooms. Being the oldest child and first generation raised in America, I also wanted a ‘stable’ career so eventually I switched my major to Biomedical Science and Chemistry which obvoiusly led me into a different direction entirely. I thought I wanted to go to medical school but after anatomy and physiology I decided that was not for me. My junior year of college I landed an internship in a chemistry lab with a pharmaceutical company and I thought research was for me. Think about it, a musical theater actress, singer, dancer in a white lab coat looking in a microscope all day…NOT! The search was on but I did not want to waste the hard work I spent on my science degree. My mentor at the pharma company asked one day, ‘How about sales?’…The rest is history, sales is a great paid acting gig. I never thought I would be at it still, I only thought it was the job that was going to carry me through until I got my dream job whatever that would be, but 20+ years later, here I am. I never found my dream job, but I’m content. I heard a statistic once that said that only 2% of Americans TRULY love their jobs and more than half hate it. I must be in the middle, the people that like their job. Do I love it? no, but it has provided many opportunities and blessings along the way. Travel, insurance, a company car, and those are just the basics.  I have met many great people and some of my closest friends. We all are faced with different decisions throughout our life which leads us onto different paths, I sometimes still wonder what I’ll be when I grow up and I wonder how I got to where I am today. We can’t look back so we need to own up to our decisions with no regret and move forward in wisdom.

Happy Monday, Happy New Year again, and for those of us fortunate enough to have a job in this economy, congratulations, don’t let the job swallow you up. It’s just a job.

Tomorrow I will be wearing Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Prayer which is a mauvey brown. It’s great for work because it’s a very conservative color. These lipticks in particular are both creamy and long lasting (I have a few colors). Also, I always start my work day with a prayer for a good day…I know it helps!

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Happy New Year!

31 Dec

One year ago today, I left a job that wasn’t for me. I took the job because I had gotten laid off from a previous job and this one sounded like something I could do which would expand my horizon ; I had been in the same job since college and this was a little bit of a departure into a different industry. Within a month I knew it was not the job for me.  There were additional duties that were not part of the job description I applied for, and, well, many other things. I lasted 6 stressful months knowing I wouldn’t be there that long. I have never quit a job before so it was very difficult for me, not to mention I did not have another job waiting. When I quit, I left the family with one less income and no health benefits, quite the leap of faith from a cancer patient, but I have never regretted the decision. It took another six months to find a job, but prayerfully, the right one came at just the right time. After everything I had been through over the past few years with cancer back and forth, I did not want to waste another minute doing something I didn’t care for and I also trusted that God would open other doors. Trusting God sometimes is a difficult thing. What I’ve learned is that it is easy to trust Him with what we think the plan should be, but alot more difficult trusting Him when it is apparent He has a different plan. How often do we force our plan to work? How we want things to turn out, what we want to do…tuning out advice and wisdom and forging ahead in our selfishness?  OK, too deep.  Anyhow looking back at this year, it was a wise decision and I feel blessed.

It’s a good thing looking back at the blessings because it is so easy to forget about things. Who talks about the major tsunami in Japan that killed thousands of people this year? How about the tornadoes in the South that killed hundreds? I started the year jobless, but it gave me time to write and publish a book. I started a blog which has helped me process feelings and feel support from you. In March I was told I was finally cancer free only to be told in June that there were still cancer cells; in September, no tumors (talk about a rollercoaster). I got a new job back in my old industry with a boss I love. My family is healthy, happy, and intact, and it seems the kids don’t even remember I had cancer. It’s hard for me to move into the new year because I feel somewhat unfinished with 2011 but we all have to forge ahead. I’m not a big believer in resolutions because it seems when we (at least me) verbalize a ‘resolution’, my brain automatically answers back , ‘yeah, right’  then my body follows suit. When there is something I think or want to do or try, I just go for it. Guitar, exercise, learn a foreign language…just start! Take the time to look back at 2011 and be thankful for life. I know there were probably several disapointments but I’m sure there were many blessings. Remember, learn, and forge ahead into the new year grateful for each day because life is short.  Happy 2012!

Today I wear Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil (cross between lipstick and lip pencil) in Dragon Girl which is siren red. I chose it cuz I’m feelin’ it! CHEERS!!

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What Now?

26 Dec

I belong to a wonderful blogging community called GEB2. The administrator selects a topic and the members decide to write about that topic or not. This week’s topic is ‘free write.’ For 15 minutes we are supposed to write whatever comes to mind. This could be dangerous of course, but here goes.

This morning a friend of mine on Facebook posted ‘What Now?’ as her status. This morning I was thinking the exact same thing. It’s December 26th and for the past three months, we have been on a fast paced ride of stress and celebration. My mother-in-law who lives in Florida half the year decided she wanted to celebrate Christmas before leaving last November so we had our first Christmas celebration on October 29th. Yes, Christmas trees on tables as centerpieces, lights, presents, the works. Two days afterward I was still adding finishing touches to Halloween costumes as my kids walked out the door for their schools’ parties and trick or treating that night. Then of course, I hosted Thanksgiving, then my father-in-law had his Christmas on December 17, and finally, shopping, wrapping, and preparing for our Christmas. After Thanksgiving and as December rolled in, my husband and I were so tired it was like pulling teeth to put up the Christmas trees (we have two) along with the lights. So today, presents unwrapped, trash taken out, leftovers almost gone, and returns stacked…now what?

Saturday night we will ring in the New Year and I’m not ready…I’m still trying to catch up to 2011! Well, time never stops, and we can never go back. Recently I read an article by a fellow columnist in Dear Thyroid, Joanna Isbill. She is a young person living with cancer and her column was titled “Looking Back at Greiving Forward” referring to a past article called ‘Greiving Forward.’ What I loved about it was that the lesson applies to everyone, not only cancer fighters and survivors. At this time of year we all look back at where we’ve been and what we’ve done and we greive the things we wish we had accomplished or the relationships we lost. A new year brings us hope and aspirations to things we want to do or change as we move forward, greiving what was lost, grieiving the time that was wasted, but also taking our ‘new normal’ based on our experiences and moving forward. Deep, I know, but again, we can’t go back.

Anyway, my 15 minutes is up. Today I wear Bare Escentuals Pretty Amazing Lipcolor in Fearless. It’s a beautiful mauve color which is easy to wear and great for everyday. It’s also super moisturizing which is great for cold weather when our lips are all dry. And the name? That’s how I want to bring in the New Year…FEARLESS!

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Family Time

16 Dec

This weekend we are headed to my father-in-law’s annual family Christmas gathering. It is a time when my husband’s extended family on his dad’s side gathers for an afternoon of ‘catching up’ and enjoying each other’s company. This year marks the first year without the family matriarch ‘Grandma Lucille’. She died this past year at 92 years of age and many of us thought this gathering may no longer happen because she was gone.  A little background on me, my family immigrated to the US from the Philippines in 1972 and left my extended family behind. Every holiday growing up was mainly my parents, my brother, and myself. The whole idea of large family gatherings was foreign to me until I got married.

Anyhow back to this weekend. It always starts with hugs and laughter and the usual conversation about how the kids have grown, what we’re up to, etc, but after a full afternoon, little pods pop up and the comparing starts. We usually end up talking about other people and relatives, what they’ve done, what they should’ve done, and then there’s the little comments said under someone’s breath. Why do we do this to the people we supposedly care the most about in this world? We spend a whole lot of time trying to please other people, secretly hoping they think we’re awesome, but many of those same people  don’t really care about us at all. I know we all have different family dynamics and because we love them most, they can hurt us the most. Why not try to be the ‘light’ this year, be the peacemaker. I’m not saying fix anything, I’m simply saying stop yourself from the bad talk , bite your tongue, or simply walk away from it, maybe others will follow suit. Try excessive complimenting (that should really throw people off), or simply smile.

Family dynamics are funny. They know us, they’re like us, they know what buttons to push, but they are all people. Simply put, no one is perfect, we are all flawed. Our history and experiences mold us into who we are today; we may share the same history, but not the same experiences. If you get irritated, consider what they’ve been through, it will allow you to understand them better and love them more.

Today I’m back to my reds because it’s holiday season.  I LOVE Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in Merlot. It has the perfect texture and on me it is a deep bold red, perfect for evening (and daytime if I’m feeling daring). Here’s to you, I raise my glass of Merlot and toast! Enjoy!

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Why Stop?

11 Dec

I’ve been feeling kinda funky lately. A few weeks ago I had breakfast with my vocal coach Marie.  I hadn’t seen her in at least a year, in fact the last time we saw each other was 2 months after my last radiation treatment.  Sure, we kept up with email and Facebook, but this was our first face to face.  It was emotional because she was an integral part of recovering my singing voice after my first couple of surgeries. We were able to catch up on life and everything which had transpired. At the end of our meeting she asked when I would start voice lessons again.  Later the same week I had an appointment with my speech pathologist, again someone integral to my voice recovery. Dr Menaldi has always been there after each surgery helping me not only regain control of my breathing, but also strengthening the voice I was left with. At this particular appointment I told her I had seen Marie and she was excited that I would try to sing again. I told her I wasn’t sure that’s what I wanted and she said, “Of course that’s what you want, doesn’t singing still bring you joy?” Fast forward a few days later when I ran into a former music director. He asked how I was feeling and asked if I could still sing, I replied that I may be able to but am not sure I want to.  He asked the same thing, “Does it still bring you joy?” Most of you know that singing and music has always been a lifelong passion for me, it has always come easy and I have been fortunate to be able to sing at differnet venues throughout my life. When my nerve was cut during the first surgery leaving my vocal cord paralyzed, I grieved the singing, but it came back.  Cancer came back a second time and I grieved that part of me again, but my singing voice fought back. Cancer attacked yet a third time and it took a little more; not only the trauma from the surgeries, but also the massive doses of radiation have wreaked havoc on my voice and breathing. My voice has not been the same and yes I can still sing, but it requires so much thought, control and effort.  When I was told that there were cancer cells yet again last June, I gave up on the singing.  I was tired of grieving over my voice and trying to hang on to it, that I let it go. With these questions the past couple of weeks singing has been brought back to my mind…does it still bring me joy? Do I still want to try?

Tonight I went to my dad’s Christmas choir concert and watching him sing almost brought me to tears. I saw the excitement of the people singing together and just hearing the live music and watching the joy on my dad’s face just being a part, well, it was overwhelming. My dad is 70+ years old and here he was, still doing something he loved and was passionate about. I love music and I love to sing. I miss it and yes, it does bring me joy. I believe God gives us gifts and talents and passions and He gave me my music. I am tired of grieving over what I still currently have. Do we all do that? Give up before trying? Grieve over something or someone before it’s even gone? Is it fear of the unknown?

What are you passionate about? What lies in your heart that you are curious about and have not taken that step toward? What is holding you back?  My lesson was this again…life is short, too short to grieve what I still have. I miraculously still have my voice and my voice teacher and speech pathologist (along with my laryngologist, Dr Rubin) all tell me that there is nothing that can stop me from singing, so why did I stop trying? Despite a parlayzed vocal cord and some damage from radiation to the other, I can still sing and it’s a miracle. The only thing that was stopping me was me. Press on in your journey, don’t let yourself be the stumbling block.

Today I wear Smashbox True Color lipgloss in Fame. It is a beautiful rosy plum sheen with a lot of moisture (great for this time of year). I chose it not only for the color, but for the name. ‘Fame’ of course was one of the many shows I watched when I was younger that fed my love of music and the arts!

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Truth?

5 Dec

Last week my husband and I were out to lunch when I overheard the woman behind us tell her friend, “Yes, it’s breast cancer, but my doctor said it’s the best type and there will be no problems getting rid of it.”  I leaned into my husband and asked, “Should I tell her the truth? Should I tell her to get a second opinion from a more honest physician?”  He simply said that if she needs to hear that to have more hope, than it’s ok…is it?  When I started my cancer path everyone told me thyroid cancer was the best to have, easy fix. Obviously for me, it wasn’t and four years later, I still fight. After my first surgery, my surgeon was brutally honest about what he saw and what my prognosis was. For me, it was a hard blow, but I appreciated his honesty. I wanted to know EXACTLY what happened to prepare for what lied ahead.

Is it ok to only tell partial truth to avoid hurt or pain? Is there a difference between partial truth and partial lie or what we call a ‘white lie’ ? It’s such a gray area, of course a lie is a lie. I have three kids and my youngest who is nine wrote a letter to Santa yesterday as part of a project in his class for a local newspaper.  In the letter he said that some of the kids didn’t believe in Santa, but he still did. After I read it he looked at me and asked, “Santa’s real right? Those kids are crazy,” (That’s right, my older kids have kept the secret). Ahhh, to break his heart or to keep the magic alive, partial truth/partial lie? When my older two got to this question I always smiled and said, “If you don’t believe, you won’t receive,” which has stopped further questioning to this day. I thought about it,  and just said that of course Santa is real, but he might not be who or what you think. He represents joy and happiness to millions of kids around the world, he’s part of the magic of Christmas; and then I ended with the same thing I said to the other kids. That sufficed for now, I think he probably knows….

I believe honesty and truth will always set you free. In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. –George Orwell

Today I wear Josie Maran lipgloss in Brilliance, a sheer shimmering light pink. I think I had a similar color last week, but I’m in the mood for gloss and shimmer. This gloss smells like caramel which is awesome and it’s all natural.  I also love the name…I hope that telling the truth adds some brilliance and shine to the personality!

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Bucket List

28 Nov

I have always been a dreamer.  When I was younger, I dreamed of being little orphan Annie on Broadway (kinda impossible because I’m Filipino).  Then, when Grease came out, I dreamed of being Sandy…again, impossible. In my mind I knew those were not the roles for me, but I never gave up on the dream of singing and dancing on a stage.  Thinking back, I never really had any other dreams or goals besides that.  Fortunately in my short 40+ years of life, I have been on many a stage.  I’ve been on television, radio, and I even got my chance to sing on a Broadway stage (not quite in a show…long story for another day).  When I received the call that my cancer had returned a few years back, I reassessed what my dreams and goals were.  I knew singing may be over for me (because of my paralyzed vocal cord and where my cancer was), but I sat and thought about the things I would want to do if I had nothing stopping me.  My list included writing a book, learning a new instrument, mastering a new language, running a marathon among other things.  As I looked at the list when I finished, I wondered what took me so long?  Learning a new instrument or langauge?  Just start. Training for a marathon, writing a book?  Just start.

Why does it take a slap on the face with your own mortality to sit and think about what things you want to do or accomplish in life?  Life is short and my list included some of the simplest things, nothing so grandiose that it could not be done. I haven’t checked everything off my list and there are things I can no longer do (like running a marathon because after cancer returned a third time, it took a toll on my breathing), but that’s ok.  My bucket list is forever revolving. It revolves around my health, my finances, and my family; it revolves around my kids and what I wish for them. Besides my selfish desires to get back in shape, travel to Europe, learn the guitar, etc, I also have the desire to be remembered and to leave a positive legacy for my kids. When I got the call that my cancer had returned a third time, I forgot about my list,  I don’t even know where it is anymore because I don’t need it. I know for a fact life can change in a second, with one phone call. Life is an adventure to be lived daily. Dreams, goals, bucket list, resolutions…whatever it is, what’s stopping you?  When I think of something I want to do now, I start on that path, sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Think, start, live!

Today I wear Stila Lip Glaze in Kaleidoscope a sparkly pink (which is part of a limited edition holiday set). Soft enough to wear on top of lipstick to add a hint of pink, I chose it because when you look in a Kaleidoscope, the shapes are everchanging, but still beautiful…just like your dreams!

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Laughter and Thanksgiving

21 Nov

I can’t believe it is almost Thanksgiving.  This year has flown by and time seems to move faster and faster. As I reflect on what I’m specifically thankful for this year, there are so many things. I’m thankful that this year I did not need any surgery or treatment for cancer (first year since2008). I’m thankful for my voice and my breathing which slowly gets better with each day. I’m thankful for my awesome family and friends who have been with me throughout.  I’m thankful for my incredible medical staff who are now my friends.  I’m thankful for my job which provides financial blessing for my family. The list goes on and on.

My funny kids

One of the things I’m most thankful for is the laughter in my family that carries us through.  When you’re a parent, you always worry about your kids.  When you’re a parent with cancer, you worry even more.  My kids have been dealing with this since I found a lump in December of 2007; the ups and downs, the surgeries, radiation, etc. I always hope and pray that they are ok, that their childhood has not been tainted by fear or anxiety.  I do know, as we sat around and watched Malcolm in the Middle the other night, we had not lost the laughter.  We laugh about stupid stuff like burping and farting, I make up raps and songs, my kids and I reenact scenes from shows and try to speak in different accents, I’m so happy we did not lose that. Bill Cosby says, “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. ”  I find this to be so true. Looking back at this incredible journey, there was lots to laugh about despite the difficulties. Like the time I was trying to do the grout on the kitchen backsplash with a drain coming out of my neck, or when I couldn’t speak and life was a huge game of charades, the snapping and motions I came up with…truly laughable.

Now when I laugh it’s actually a little difficult.  Because my vocal cords are so close together and because one of them is paralyzed, when I laugh really hard, I literally can’t breath.  I have to force myself to try to stop laughing to take a breath…which then makes everyone (including me) laugh even harder.  It’s really too much.  Life is a funny journey and if you don’t laugh about it, you’ll cry too much.  Exercise those smile muscles, smiling eyes are beautiful.

Since it is Thanksgiving and I am truly a lipstick lover, I am not picking one color this week.  I am treating myself to the Bobbi Brown 20th Anniversary Lip Palette.  It’s 20 beautiful colors in one palette.  I have been a lipstick fanatic for about 20 years and I believe I have owned the ten original Bobbi Brown lip colors (which are the top ten colors in the palette).  Happy Thanksgiving, don’t forget to laugh!

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Surprise

15 Nov

I love surprises (well only good ones, I suppose).  A couple of weeks ago I received an e-mail from a man I met during my seven weeks of radiation at the university hospital.  For those who don’t know, when you are scheduled for external beam radiation, you are scheduled pretty much at the same time everyday so the dose of radiation stays consistent in your body.  Consequently, everyday you see most of the same people.  That is where I met this man.  Interestingly enough, we had the same radiation oncologist, the same type of cancer with the same complications (which is rare mind you), and we were scheduled one after another for the duration of the 6.5 weeks.  We got to know each other pretty well and it has been over a year since we have spoken.  Since I had written a book and through the wonderful resource of technology, he was able to find me.  It was such a nice surprise hearing from him and it was great to speak to someone with almost exactly the same struggles and now the same perspectives on life and living it.

There are of course the not so fun surprises…surprise, you’re laid off…surprise, your flight’s delayed..surprise, you have cancer.  Yeah, those are all bummers.  The one lesson that surprise teaches us is that we are truly not in control of everything.  By its very definition surprise is an unexpected event, fact, or thing.  What we can control are our reactions and attitudes, our decisions, etc, but there are so many things we cannot control and those are the things we have to release.  As human beings I think we are all control freaks to some extent but surprise, good or bad, throws us off just a little and even some of the bad surprises end up a good in the end.  OK, I like surprises…

Today I wear Nars Lipstick in Joyous Red,  a beautiful semi matte amber red color (limited edition).  Good surprises usually bring joy and since the holidays are fast approaching Joyous Red sounded appropriate!

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