Tag Archives: cancer

What Now?

26 Dec

I belong to a wonderful blogging community called GEB2. The administrator selects a topic and the members decide to write about that topic or not. This week’s topic is ‘free write.’ For 15 minutes we are supposed to write whatever comes to mind. This could be dangerous of course, but here goes.

This morning a friend of mine on Facebook posted ‘What Now?’ as her status. This morning I was thinking the exact same thing. It’s December 26th and for the past three months, we have been on a fast paced ride of stress and celebration. My mother-in-law who lives in Florida half the year decided she wanted to celebrate Christmas before leaving last November so we had our first Christmas celebration on October 29th. Yes, Christmas trees on tables as centerpieces, lights, presents, the works. Two days afterward I was still adding finishing touches to Halloween costumes as my kids walked out the door for their schools’ parties and trick or treating that night. Then of course, I hosted Thanksgiving, then my father-in-law had his Christmas on December 17, and finally, shopping, wrapping, and preparing for our Christmas. After Thanksgiving and as December rolled in, my husband and I were so tired it was like pulling teeth to put up the Christmas trees (we have two) along with the lights. So today, presents unwrapped, trash taken out, leftovers almost gone, and returns stacked…now what?

Saturday night we will ring in the New Year and I’m not ready…I’m still trying to catch up to 2011! Well, time never stops, and we can never go back. Recently I read an article by a fellow columnist in Dear Thyroid, Joanna Isbill. She is a young person living with cancer and her column was titled “Looking Back at Greiving Forward” referring to a past article called ‘Greiving Forward.’ What I loved about it was that the lesson applies to everyone, not only cancer fighters and survivors. At this time of year we all look back at where we’ve been and what we’ve done and we greive the things we wish we had accomplished or the relationships we lost. A new year brings us hope and aspirations to things we want to do or change as we move forward, greiving what was lost, grieiving the time that was wasted, but also taking our ‘new normal’ based on our experiences and moving forward. Deep, I know, but again, we can’t go back.

Anyway, my 15 minutes is up. Today I wear Bare Escentuals Pretty Amazing Lipcolor in Fearless. It’s a beautiful mauve color which is easy to wear and great for everyday. It’s also super moisturizing which is great for cold weather when our lips are all dry. And the name? That’s how I want to bring in the New Year…FEARLESS!

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A Wonderful Life

19 Dec

Every year during this time my family has watched the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” and every year I tear up at the end when all the people come in to help. I know you’re familiar with the premis of the stoy but as a reminder, George wonders what it would be like had he never been born.  Do you ever wonder that same question? I think being a wife and mom, we sometimes feel unappreciated; we care for the husband and kids, we taxi them around, we make them meals, and some of us even throw a job outside the home into the mix. It is in those moments that I sometimes wonder, what if I couldn’t do any of it. In the hospital after my first surgery for my cancer, my doctor told me that my prognosis was bad and he was not confident in my future. In the moments alone, I wondered what my family’s life would be like without me.  Believe it or not I started getting angry at my husband just thinking about what he wasn’t going to do for the kids, no driving, no lunch making, no dance class, etc…can you believe it? I was thinking that? I also wondered what my kids’ life  (who were 5,7, and 10 at the time) would be like without a mother. It was so sad and overwhelming I had to stop my thoughts in their tracks and turn them around for the positive immediately. From then, the cancer has come back a few times and every single time I fight those same thoughts. During this same time and even now, I have had my own ‘Wonderful Life’ moments. So many people from my past and present sent cards and made meals, one old friend who I hadn’t seen in at least ten years even offered to fly here to just sit with me. I was again overwhelmed.

So, like in the movie, our lives matter. As a mom to younger kids they’re need for us is apparent; but as they grow and get more independent, they’re need seems to lessen, but they still need us (trust me, I’m 40+ and I may not say it all the time but I still need my mom and I’m fortunate to have her close by). On the other side, I was stunned by the people who reached out to me during those difficult times. We may not know who or when we impact someone’s life, but we get a new chance with every interaction. I’ve said this before, but every single interaction we have daily leaves some type of impact or impression, wouldn’t it be great if it was a positive one? You never know, so watch your words and actions because they are powerful and people remember.

~ Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?~

Clarence Oddbody (From “It’s A Wonderful Life”)
 
Today I’m still wearing red because of the holidays so I choose Ultraflesh lipstick in Spark. It is a matte cherry red lipstick with an amazing name…be the spark that lights someone’s life.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!!

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Family Time

16 Dec

This weekend we are headed to my father-in-law’s annual family Christmas gathering. It is a time when my husband’s extended family on his dad’s side gathers for an afternoon of ‘catching up’ and enjoying each other’s company. This year marks the first year without the family matriarch ‘Grandma Lucille’. She died this past year at 92 years of age and many of us thought this gathering may no longer happen because she was gone.  A little background on me, my family immigrated to the US from the Philippines in 1972 and left my extended family behind. Every holiday growing up was mainly my parents, my brother, and myself. The whole idea of large family gatherings was foreign to me until I got married.

Anyhow back to this weekend. It always starts with hugs and laughter and the usual conversation about how the kids have grown, what we’re up to, etc, but after a full afternoon, little pods pop up and the comparing starts. We usually end up talking about other people and relatives, what they’ve done, what they should’ve done, and then there’s the little comments said under someone’s breath. Why do we do this to the people we supposedly care the most about in this world? We spend a whole lot of time trying to please other people, secretly hoping they think we’re awesome, but many of those same people  don’t really care about us at all. I know we all have different family dynamics and because we love them most, they can hurt us the most. Why not try to be the ‘light’ this year, be the peacemaker. I’m not saying fix anything, I’m simply saying stop yourself from the bad talk , bite your tongue, or simply walk away from it, maybe others will follow suit. Try excessive complimenting (that should really throw people off), or simply smile.

Family dynamics are funny. They know us, they’re like us, they know what buttons to push, but they are all people. Simply put, no one is perfect, we are all flawed. Our history and experiences mold us into who we are today; we may share the same history, but not the same experiences. If you get irritated, consider what they’ve been through, it will allow you to understand them better and love them more.

Today I’m back to my reds because it’s holiday season.  I LOVE Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in Merlot. It has the perfect texture and on me it is a deep bold red, perfect for evening (and daytime if I’m feeling daring). Here’s to you, I raise my glass of Merlot and toast! Enjoy!

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Truth?

5 Dec

Last week my husband and I were out to lunch when I overheard the woman behind us tell her friend, “Yes, it’s breast cancer, but my doctor said it’s the best type and there will be no problems getting rid of it.”  I leaned into my husband and asked, “Should I tell her the truth? Should I tell her to get a second opinion from a more honest physician?”  He simply said that if she needs to hear that to have more hope, than it’s ok…is it?  When I started my cancer path everyone told me thyroid cancer was the best to have, easy fix. Obviously for me, it wasn’t and four years later, I still fight. After my first surgery, my surgeon was brutally honest about what he saw and what my prognosis was. For me, it was a hard blow, but I appreciated his honesty. I wanted to know EXACTLY what happened to prepare for what lied ahead.

Is it ok to only tell partial truth to avoid hurt or pain? Is there a difference between partial truth and partial lie or what we call a ‘white lie’ ? It’s such a gray area, of course a lie is a lie. I have three kids and my youngest who is nine wrote a letter to Santa yesterday as part of a project in his class for a local newspaper.  In the letter he said that some of the kids didn’t believe in Santa, but he still did. After I read it he looked at me and asked, “Santa’s real right? Those kids are crazy,” (That’s right, my older kids have kept the secret). Ahhh, to break his heart or to keep the magic alive, partial truth/partial lie? When my older two got to this question I always smiled and said, “If you don’t believe, you won’t receive,” which has stopped further questioning to this day. I thought about it,  and just said that of course Santa is real, but he might not be who or what you think. He represents joy and happiness to millions of kids around the world, he’s part of the magic of Christmas; and then I ended with the same thing I said to the other kids. That sufficed for now, I think he probably knows….

I believe honesty and truth will always set you free. In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. –George Orwell

Today I wear Josie Maran lipgloss in Brilliance, a sheer shimmering light pink. I think I had a similar color last week, but I’m in the mood for gloss and shimmer. This gloss smells like caramel which is awesome and it’s all natural.  I also love the name…I hope that telling the truth adds some brilliance and shine to the personality!

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Bucket List

28 Nov

I have always been a dreamer.  When I was younger, I dreamed of being little orphan Annie on Broadway (kinda impossible because I’m Filipino).  Then, when Grease came out, I dreamed of being Sandy…again, impossible. In my mind I knew those were not the roles for me, but I never gave up on the dream of singing and dancing on a stage.  Thinking back, I never really had any other dreams or goals besides that.  Fortunately in my short 40+ years of life, I have been on many a stage.  I’ve been on television, radio, and I even got my chance to sing on a Broadway stage (not quite in a show…long story for another day).  When I received the call that my cancer had returned a few years back, I reassessed what my dreams and goals were.  I knew singing may be over for me (because of my paralyzed vocal cord and where my cancer was), but I sat and thought about the things I would want to do if I had nothing stopping me.  My list included writing a book, learning a new instrument, mastering a new language, running a marathon among other things.  As I looked at the list when I finished, I wondered what took me so long?  Learning a new instrument or langauge?  Just start. Training for a marathon, writing a book?  Just start.

Why does it take a slap on the face with your own mortality to sit and think about what things you want to do or accomplish in life?  Life is short and my list included some of the simplest things, nothing so grandiose that it could not be done. I haven’t checked everything off my list and there are things I can no longer do (like running a marathon because after cancer returned a third time, it took a toll on my breathing), but that’s ok.  My bucket list is forever revolving. It revolves around my health, my finances, and my family; it revolves around my kids and what I wish for them. Besides my selfish desires to get back in shape, travel to Europe, learn the guitar, etc, I also have the desire to be remembered and to leave a positive legacy for my kids. When I got the call that my cancer had returned a third time, I forgot about my list,  I don’t even know where it is anymore because I don’t need it. I know for a fact life can change in a second, with one phone call. Life is an adventure to be lived daily. Dreams, goals, bucket list, resolutions…whatever it is, what’s stopping you?  When I think of something I want to do now, I start on that path, sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Think, start, live!

Today I wear Stila Lip Glaze in Kaleidoscope a sparkly pink (which is part of a limited edition holiday set). Soft enough to wear on top of lipstick to add a hint of pink, I chose it because when you look in a Kaleidoscope, the shapes are everchanging, but still beautiful…just like your dreams!

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Surprise

15 Nov

I love surprises (well only good ones, I suppose).  A couple of weeks ago I received an e-mail from a man I met during my seven weeks of radiation at the university hospital.  For those who don’t know, when you are scheduled for external beam radiation, you are scheduled pretty much at the same time everyday so the dose of radiation stays consistent in your body.  Consequently, everyday you see most of the same people.  That is where I met this man.  Interestingly enough, we had the same radiation oncologist, the same type of cancer with the same complications (which is rare mind you), and we were scheduled one after another for the duration of the 6.5 weeks.  We got to know each other pretty well and it has been over a year since we have spoken.  Since I had written a book and through the wonderful resource of technology, he was able to find me.  It was such a nice surprise hearing from him and it was great to speak to someone with almost exactly the same struggles and now the same perspectives on life and living it.

There are of course the not so fun surprises…surprise, you’re laid off…surprise, your flight’s delayed..surprise, you have cancer.  Yeah, those are all bummers.  The one lesson that surprise teaches us is that we are truly not in control of everything.  By its very definition surprise is an unexpected event, fact, or thing.  What we can control are our reactions and attitudes, our decisions, etc, but there are so many things we cannot control and those are the things we have to release.  As human beings I think we are all control freaks to some extent but surprise, good or bad, throws us off just a little and even some of the bad surprises end up a good in the end.  OK, I like surprises…

Today I wear Nars Lipstick in Joyous Red,  a beautiful semi matte amber red color (limited edition).  Good surprises usually bring joy and since the holidays are fast approaching Joyous Red sounded appropriate!

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Nature vs. Nurture

8 Nov

I have had a crazy, stressful week this past week.  I eluded to a certain situation in my last blog and this week everything exploded and I was caught in the firestorm.  Everything revolved around a single person and their actions which finally caught up to them.  I’ve always wondered if bad choices really ever caught up to some people (because some seem to get away with a lot more than others), well now I know, sooner or later they do.  It was interesting watching everything unfold and because I’m always curious about people’s stories, I wondered what this person’s story was that made him who he was today.  It raises the question. ‘nature or nurture’?  Did God make us this way or did our environment create us into who we are today.  I say both.  One of my husband’s favorite phrases when he’s on a stubborn streak is, ” That’s how God made me and no one can change that.”  I believe that to an extent but I also believe that environment can soften and mold us.  I can only imagine the type of person he would’ve been had his parents not reigned him in. I believe we are all created with unique personalities and temperaments but I think our families, friends, and the environment we are raised in mold us too; and then of course, the different choices we make throughout our lifetime direct us one way or another.

People are funny and interesting and knowing people’s stories not only help you understand them more, but accept them and love them too.  I’m not saying that you have to accept their decisions or how they treat you, but it gives you a better handle on things in terms of ‘being the change’ for people (even if it means walking away).  I’m hoping this event may precipitate a change for the better but who knows.  I read a quote which says, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced”-J. Baldwin.  I understand we need to face our challenges or challenging people head on whether change happens or not.  Maybe it’s just to plant the seed or to be a part of that ‘nurture’. We all have a voice and I’m so thankful after cancer that I still have mine.  We need to use it not only to spark change but to be a blessing to others.

This week I wear Bobbi Brown Rich Lip Color in Crimson.  It’s a rich, deep, wine-red, color and the newest to my ever expanding collection.  It’s great for the holidays and red is always that reminder to for me to live life to the fullest…wear it like you mean it!

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Popularity

2 Nov

 

I was never very popular in school.  I wasn’t the prettiest or the most witty, no, I was the super shy, quiet, smart girl that sat in the middle of class; not in the front, not in the back.  I was not really invited to any parties and never really had a date until my senior year.  The only time my shyness was banished was when I sang.  Music stirred my heart, and my emotions were always transported through my voice.  I was not really depressed about not being part of the popular crowd because I was kind to everyone and had many friends because of that.  The flip side to that is that I was (and still am somewhat) a people pleaser.  Now, I have three kids, one of which is a teenager who just recently asked me about popularity.  He is the starting quarterback for the football team but he asked why it feels like all the trouble makers seem to be the popular kids.  I tried to do the ‘don’t worry about it be kind to others and be confident in yourself’ talk, but I remember feeling the same way.  It is so hard.

Recently, I’ve had to deal with a situation at work where I had to stand up to something that disturbed the status quo.  It has been very difficult for me.  I haven’t slept that well, and I’ve lost weight from the stress.  I realized that in my quest to ‘go along with things’ or to be popular, I have lost my own opinion and ‘gumption’.  For me, wanting to be popular equates to wanting to be liked by everyone and with my work situation, there are definitely people that will not be pleased in the end.  It is virtually impossible to please everyone and to be liked by everyone.  I told my son that more important than being popular is knowing who you are and what you believe in.  Popularity changes with each second of the clock so it’s critical to be true to yourself and stand on the foundation that God made everyone unique. I stepped forward at work and said something ,and even though I’m stressed about the decision, I know it was the right thing to do.  It’s a risk to be yourself, not caring whether your opinion is well liked or not, but it’s important.  Don’t lose your voice just to be liked or popular.  We were all created for a unique purpose and if we try to be like someone else, we lose a little. 

Today I wear Lancome’ Color Design lipstick in Curtain Call.  It is a sheer deep raspberry which looks amazing on my medium skintone, it’s great for the season.  Not only is it a great color, it’s got a great name.  This is your curtain call.  Wouldn’t it be great to come out as you?

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Ownership

27 Oct

This week I celebrated my birthday.  You all know how much I love birthdays.  This was my first birthday since 2008 that I did not have cancer, was preparing for treatment for cancer, or recovering from cancer surgery or radiation.  It was a little bittersweet for me because I had to be in Philadelphia for a work meeting.  Although I hated being away from my family, I had fun with people I had trained with before, but I also met a new lovely woman who I know I will continue to stay in touch with.  For this meeting, my roomate was a beautiful girl who was almost 20 years younger than me.  It was great and interesting to get to know her as well as my new friend who is almost 20 years older than me.  I loved listening to their stories and perpectives on life, work , family, etc., and what led them to make the decision which led them here. 

For this birthday, like every birthday, I looked back at my life and everything I’ve been through and also looked ahead with apprehension.  I am comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and the path I’ve taken.  There are many things we cannot control, you know, “life is 10% of  what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it” (Stephen Covey). We all decide which path we take in each situation, whether it’s which peanut butter to buy, which doctor to choose, which job, etc…what most people don’t want to do many times is take ownership on those decisions.  Sometimes we  blame the situation or end product of our own decision if it is not what we thought or planned.  Looking back, I have made many decisions that I thought I may have regretted but I look at where I am today and I’m content and feel very blessed.  I would not have chosen to have cancer, but I did choose to fight it and believe in a  positive outcome. Let’s own up to the decisions we’ve made and change our perspective a little, there’s no going back.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Chocolate.  It’s actually a soft , creamy medium brown which on me has a hint of a plummy undertone (probably my lips).  It’s great for fall and not as dark as it sounds or looks.  I chose it because it was my birthday and I love Chocolate (as well as the color).

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Safe Haven

19 Oct

Today I had an appointment with my brilliant speech pathologist.  She has a PhD in speech pathology and also a love for music.  She has worked with opera singers and world renown choirs  so I trust her immensely with my fragile vocal cords.  If you’ve been following my story, you know that I am a singer and it is a deep passion for me.  You also know that the first surgery for my cancer permanently paralyzed my right vocal cord.  Eventually, cancer continued to spread handicapping my left vocal cord.  I have worked with Dr. Menaldi (and voice specialist Dr Rubin, MD) each and every time to restore my voice constantly giving me hope that I will speak well and I will sing again.  Through hard work and their constant encouragement I have been able to sing again (miraculously). Last June when the doctors saw cancer cells once again on PET scan, I gave up trying to rehab because I didn’t see the point.  Of course,  in September when ultrasound showed no tumors, I decided to resume and now I am back to ground zero.  Back in June I gave up on the singing, I grieved and I finally let it go. Today Dr. Menaldi said ‘no’.  My neck has taken a beating, but she will work with me until I am singing fully once again.  I never thought a doctor’s office would be a safe haven for me.  Since I have been diligently coming to this office for almost four years now, I have become friends with not just the doctors, but the staff.  They know my story, they have cried with me and encouraged me.  They have seen me at my worst and have followed my cancer journey every step of the way (not by choice of course).

It hasn’t always been easy for me to open up and be vulnerable, but illness left me with no choice.  I feel very fortunate to have quite a few ‘safe havens’; places where I can be myself, free from the worry of what others may think.  I count my friends and family, my home, and now my doctor’s office as safe havens for me (in my case, I also have to include the lipstick counters).  We all need at least one place because if you’re anything like me, it would be so easy to withdraw and have the only safe haven in the confines of your own brain…totally not safe!  So wherever it may be, a doctor’s office, a lipstick counter, or the comfort of your own room, find a place where you can be you to take the pressure off having to answer “everything’s fine”  all the time!

Today I wear Tarte Lipsurgence Liptint in Moody.  It is sheer deep berry colored stain which I love. I also love the name because sometimes I am moody (especially if my thyroid meds are off), and the people associated with my safe havens let me be that way!

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