Tag Archives: friends

Treasure

9 Jun

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What a day! This weekend I drove to Chicago to participate in the Esprit de She women’s triathlon and it was both an exciting and breathtaking day. My daughter came with me and I was able to participate with both my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. The day started bright and early and I was asked ahead of time to sing the national anthem on behalf of all of the survivors participating in the race. The emcee shared a little about my story, book, and blog, and I was able to say a few words. I was also told the day before that Glo Minerals donated a lipstick called ‘Treasure’ to all of the survivors on behalf of Team Lipstick Journey! So to start the day, I swiped on Treasure, spoke a little and opened the event with the National Anthem in front of almost 2000 spectators. After the anthem of course, I cried like a baby. It is so overwhelming for me to still be able to sing that I always get emotional now when I actually pull it off. Well, the initially forecasted cold and rainy day turned out to be a sunny beautiful morning filled with fun and gratitude. My last blog spoke of strength and courage, but today I want to speak of hope and freedom. Once again, for me, it is so difficult to breathe so some may think I’m crazy,why even bother? Well, when I try to ‘beat’ my breathing problems caused by cancer it gives me hope and freedom for the future. I can feel my body working and pushing itself to the max and the outdoors and wind on my face gives me a sense of that freedom. Overcoming obstacles; the cancer, the breathing, gives me hope that I am not bound to the things that have happened in my past. We all have the choice and the freedom to always be moving forward. That’s the ‘why’…hope and freedom to move forward. So did Team Lipstick Journey win? Of course not, but we finished strong and smiling!!photo (6)

Today I wear Treasure by Glo Minerals. I have been wearing it all day long and I love it! It looks like a shocking hot pink in the tube but it actually goes on a soft raspberry color on me. I believe it would look great on any skintone! It is mineral based and moisturizing. I’ll close by saying what I said earlier in my speech, treasure today and treasure each moment of breath because you never know what tomorrow brings! Cheers!

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Strength and Courage

28 May

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Strength and courage. These are two words cancer fighters hear all the time. ‘You are so strong, so much courage to go through what you are going through…’ During ‘the fight’ we have no choice but to be strong and courageous fighting this enemy attacking our bodies. These are good words, and for me a constant encouragement to hear, empowering me to fight and conquer. Again, there was no choice, either be strong, courageous, and fight, or wither away and wallow in self pity…yeah, that sounds fun. Anyhow, I looked up the definitions:

Strength: The state of being strong, the power to resist attack; durability

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain

Yes to both, cancer/illness fighters need both. What about after the fight? I am finding that having strength and courage after the fight, trying to adjust to a new normal, while also adjusting from some of the side effects psychologically along with treatment side effects, is just as difficult. Cancer opens your eyes and heart to a whole new world and not all of it is ‘rosy’. I see things with a different perspective (obviously), I have a longing to live life to the fullest, to love and understand people and where they come from, for my kids to be just as excited about life as I am despite an ever-changing and not always positive society. What if when your eyes are open, you don’t like everything you see? Well, it takes even more strength and courage to make changes and to be the change; to stand up for what you believe in and move forward despite the constant scare of cancer. I know this sounds like alot of jibberish but my mind and heart have been swirling. We all live with a type of ‘cancer’ don’t we? Something that grates on our nerves, a job, a co-worker, a situation. Open your eyes and heart and live. There is a certain power to being vulnerable with people. It is scary but be strong and courageous, we need that from each other.

Deuteronomy 31:6  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Today I wear Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lipgloss in Stunner. This gloss is a bright magenta color in the tube. It’s a super moist but not sticky lipgloss that has a good amount of shine and color on lips…I LOVE it! This color happens to be enough of a pop of color for me and because I have a bit of a plum tone to my lips already, this looks like a sheer pop of berry on me! Cheers!

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Lonely

20 May

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Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

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Smile

13 May

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Last week I was in Seattle working a display booth for my company. I was there almost the entire week with a few co-workers and thousands of strangers from different countries. It was a long week spent talking and smiling but a couple of awesome things happened. On the first day I stumbled upon a Facebook post from a good friend and former co-worker who I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. We have kept in touch off and on over the years and when I arrived in Seattle we both realized we were working at the same conference for different companies, what are the chances of that? Seattle also happened to be the same place where we met! Anyhow, we scheduled a dinner together on one of our free night and were able to catch up on our lives, families, and where our careers have led us since being ‘down-sized’ 10 years ago. It is always so great to see and touch base with old friends; a great reminder of how time flies and how different people continually come in and out of our lives at different times.

Another great thing that came to my attention while seeking the magic, once again, was the power of eye contact and a smile. Literally with thousands of people around and hundreds of display booths, people appeared to not want to be bothered. Now I’m not saying there were people who were rushing to get from one place to another, but most people, no matter what country they were from, would stop to talk with just a friendly greeting, a smile, and eye contact. I had several great conversations both business and in general, and overall, people left with an ‘easier’ demeanor and a smile. ‘Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of  love’~Mother Teresa. Sometimes we only get one moment to make a positive impact on someone’s life, don’t you want people to walk away from you with a positive experience? Yes, a smile crossed all language barriers last week. People like contact with other people, they want to talk to someone who will listen and make them feel important, if even for a moment.

Today I wear Tarte LipSurgence Skintuitive Lip Tint in Energy. Now, you all know I love Dior Addict Lip Glow because it feels like a balm but brings out a natural pink shade of your lips, but this Tarte Lip Tint absolutely rivals that! The Tarte Lip Tint brings out a deeper and bolder berry color in my lips and as you know, Tarte has no parabens, phthalates, etc..I think the Dior Addict is more moisturizing but they are both beautiful and since they bring out your natural color, the color is always right for you! Cheers!

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Your Voice

28 Apr

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Last Tuesday I sang once again at the World Voice Day celebration sponsored by my doctor and a local hospital. It was another incredible night listening to singers and musicians from the local area. This event is always emotional for me because not only is it a celebration of the voice (which I’m so grateful to still have after all of the cancer, surgeries, and radiation), but it’s a chance to listen to other singers who have overcome different ‘vocal adversities’ and are also grateful to still have their voices. This was my fifth year singing and not only did I sing a solo, but also, last minute, sang a duet with my physician. Standing on the stage reminded me of how far I’ve come and how the voice is so fragile; every year I was either recovering or in the middle of treatment for cancer, this year, I was celebrating being cancer free, still having one vocal cord working, and yes, I cried like a baby after getting a standing ovation for my solo. You can see some of my previous Voice Day moments by clicking on the links on the side of my blog.

Saturday I ran in a 5K to benefit the local Leukemia and Lymphoma Society chapter. It’s very difficult to run because of my vocal cord situation and my impaired breathing but it gives me a sense of control over my body and it reminds me that despite the difficulty, I still can. This particular race I ran with a bit of a heavy heart. I have two good friends whose loved ones are currently in treatment for lymphoma; one a boyfriend, one a husband, both still young. Another close friend whose dentist noticed a lump in her neck, got results from her CT scan detecting a mass in her neck which will now be biopsied next week. Life is so fragile and as I ran with survivors, caregivers, patients, it struck me how people all around us have significant events weaving through their lives. My heart hurts for those struggling but also beats hard to be able to make a difference and to make my life matter.2013-04-27 09.50.23

At the end of the Voice Day celebration, a few people who currently had no voices came up to me and thanked me for my story. Again my heart hurt because I knew their struggle and felt their pain, but it also brought back memories of when I had no voice. Our voices and our stories are powerful, no one has the same ones. Why do we go through adversities, pain, and triumphs? To share our stories and to give people hope.  If you are blessed to still have your voice I encourage you to share your stories, pain and all, because you never know who may need to hear it.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Sheer Lip Color in Pink Blossom which is actually red/orange…not really pink despite the name. I LOVE these lipsticks because although they are called sheer, they have lots of color. They are extremely moisturizing and not heavy! I chose this color because, well, it brightens my day! Cheers!

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Long Week

6 Apr

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*sigh*   What a long week, emotions can be grating on the psyche. Remember a couple blogs ago I spoke about my friend and her boyfriend with the growth on his neck? Well, it was a rare fast growing cancer and he almost died last weekend…yes, from an unknown lump, to cancer taking over his whole body in one month. He received massive amounts of chemo and miraculously looks like he will be ok. Another friend revealed that her husband’s cancer has progressed and he is now starting treatment after a year of ‘watch and wait’. On Wednesday I did my mammogram which, well, if you’re a woman over forty, you know. I felt a little traumatized by the manipulation of my breasts in a giant panini maker, not to mention the pain. I’ve been a little sad because of everything, but this week was particularly difficult. With all of those things going on with me and around me, I was, and still am, overwhelmed with not just the brevity of life, but also how things can change so quickly. I am trying to be angry (to get over my sadness), but it’s not working yet.

The week still had plenty of magic to lift my spirits of course. Last Sunday was Easter and being a Christian, I am so grateful for what Christ has done and for His love and amazing gift of grace and forgiveness. I also met with some great friends this week, old and new. It’s awesome how God brings different people into our lives at different times. I believe there are no ‘accidents’ or concidence in meeting people and I am so thankful for all of my relationships. In Les Miserables, Victor Hugo wrote, “To love another person is to see the face of God“, a line which is included in the Finale song of the musical by the same name. Thank you to my friends, family, and all of you reading my blog and following my journey; God’s face is all around.

Today I wear Dior Dior Addict Lip Gloss in 643 Diablotine. I LOVE this gloss and color! It is super moisturizing, a little bit sparkly, and has great color for a gloss. This color is not quite hot pink, and not quite orange (which seemsto be the color of the moment)…it’s perfect! I chose it for today because I have been wearing it all week and for me, it is another perfect color for spring and summer! Cheers!

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Kids and Cancer

16 Mar

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I haven’t written in a while for a few reasons; partly because my emotions have been very up and down, partly because I can’t think of anything to write about because of said emotions, and partly because I’m tired of always talking about me. Today I thought I’d tackle kids and how they may feel about cancer by interviewing one of my kids, AJ. My kids were 5,7, and 10 when this cancer journey started for me. My oldest,AJ, is now 15 almost 16 and has grown into a fine young man. He is my most logical child so I wanted to hear how he feels and has felt about mom having cancer so far…

Me: You were only 10 when I got cancer the first time, what did you think?

AJ: I was only in fifth grade and I think I was angry.

Me: Scared?

AJ: Not really because I didn’t know what it really meant yet. I guess I might have been scared of the unknown.

Me: How did you feel when it came back the second and third time?

AJ: The second time I was more upset than angry, but the third time I thought it would be ok because I watched you fight and win the first two times.

Me: How do you think having a mom with cancer through your youth has changed you, or has it?

AJ: I don’t think it’s made me a more sensitive person, I guess I’m not sure. It was just a fact of life, I didn’t know any different, plus you acted as ‘normal’ as possible; still drove us places, came to our events…

Me: How did you feel during those times when I couldn’t talk?

AJ: Frustrated because I couldn’t understand anything you were trying to whisper.

Me: Has this made you closer to God, or more angry and farther?

AJ: Closer, because I prayed a lot and saw all the people who would bring food and pray for you and with you. Sometimes He was the only One I could talk to.

Me: So if my cancer is back, how are you feeling?

AJ: Same as the first time…angry2006-10-14_0044

Ok, I have to say this is the first time I actually sat face to face with one of my children to discuss how they have felt through everything. Although AJ seemed indifferent and thought I was goofy for asking (he is a teenager), I was actually getting emotional and a little choked up. I may never know all the feelings they have or are feeling, but I do know that cancer has been part of their life for most of their youth. It’s sad to me but I understand that their feelings are directly tied to my actions. If I showed fear, I don’t think AJ would have been so confident the third time cancer came around. At the very least I know I have shown my kids how to handle adversity and life’s challenges with strength and hope, relying on God, family and friends. For now, that is enough.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Roseberry. I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks because they are not too glossy, not to dry, and have beautiful colors that work on almost every skin tone…really! Roseberry is a pinky rose color according to the descrition on Sephora, but on me, it is a great poppy red/pink that is great for spring and summer. It looks nothing like the picture on the web… much brighter and fun! Until next time!!

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Done

6 Mar

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The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. From my last post you even read about how I thought I was losing my smile. With all the cancer stuff swirling in my head, I ended up extremely sad and I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. Anytime I would talk to someone and they would simply ask how I was doing I would start getting weepy. I didn’t feel like doing anything, it’s hard to describe, just overwhelming sadness. I had a couple friends ask why I wasn’t more angry or maybe even angry at God. Why get angry at God when He is the One carrying me through? I read somewhere that He either brings it or allows it for a greater purpose. Well, I’m waiting to see if that purpose is revealed soon or if I’m already serving my purpose by sharing my story? Who knows, but I can’t get angry because everyone is dealing with something in their lives trying to tear them down, right? I just wanted out of my pity party; my sad, teary, bursting into tears at any given moment mood.

Over the weekend something clicked in my head and I was done. Yes, there are still some underlying waves of sadness, but I feel my strength (or will) to move forward, to fight once again. Part of it was being tired of being sad and tired, another part was truly handing my heart and life to God and trusting His plan, and the last part was listening to some really great music. You know from reading my blog that I LOVE music and that words, tunes, and voices actually affect my heart. Well, over the weekend I played the piano and listened to some great songs that just lifted my spirit enough to push me. Songs like You Are For Me by Kari Jobe, Carry On by Fun, and Girl On Fire but Alicia Keys (I like a wide variety of music). I am a total believer in music therapy and honestly, the music helped me. A friend also reminded me that it was ok to cry, to feel weak. I have always tried to maintain an even mood and a positive attitude over this 5 year struggle, but I was just tired. So, I allowed myself to cry…a lot, and now I’m back…this girl is on fire! If you are feeling troubled or overwhelmed I encourage you to take the risk and tell someone. We are made for community; reach out, listen, make people laugh, and don’t judge. What may not mean much to you may mean the world to someone else. Take the time to be there. I am so thankful to those who reached out and continue to listen, to cry, and make me laugh.

Today I wear Givenchy Le Rouge lipstick in Carmen Escarpin…who could resist that fun name? It is a coral/red which is a hot pop of color for spring. This formula is described as semi-matte which I try to stay away from because of my dry lips, but it actually feels creamy and it is longer lasting. Until next time…Cheers!

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Dear Cancer

7 Feb

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Dear Cancer,

I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you. You keep wanting to get back together and for whatever reason, my body lets you. Well I’m done, I’m sick of all the game playing and I’m sick of you messing with my mind. I wish I could say that my relationship with you has made me stronger, braver, more courageous, but I just don’t know anymore. Now that you’re trying to get back together only bad feelings come up. You have made me more insecure about myself, you’ve made me sad, and I have shed too many tears because of you. You not only affect me, you have widespread effects on people I love and care about. They don’t even know what to say anymore; you leave a train of destruction and pain. It may surprise you but I love my life, and yes, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart constantly to the blessings around me. Are you trying to teach me something? Is there a lesson to learn? Well I got it, I’m good, so please stop showing up. Don’t underestimate me, I am not going down.

So here we are at another crossroads. Will you ever leave me alone? Hate is a strong word that I never use, but I’m beginning to hate you. You have broken my heart over and over, but I will not let you break my spirit.

Anna

PS I am ready to fight so I am wearing my Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent!

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Open Up

12 Dec

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This past weekend we celebrated Christmas in Indiana with my father in law and my husbands’ two brothers and their families. His youngest brother is engaged to be married next month and I finally had a chance to meet the newest member to join our family. She is great and I’m so excited to have her in the family. This week I am in Chicago for another meeting with my new company and there are even more people to meet as well as others from before that I am able to get to know more. Isn’t that great? I believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Prior to cancer I was more shy and I guess ‘distant’,  keeping people at arms length…you know, the facade stage, nothing deeper. Now, everything has changed and I want to dive in and know people’s stories. In light of that, some of you have read my book and have been reading my blog for a long time and you know mostly about my cancer journey. Today, in an effort to ‘let you in’ and know me better (besides the fact you already know I love lipstick) I thought I’d list some things you didnt know about me:

1. Besides lipstick,  I also love chocolate and all things carbs (bread, crackers, cookies, etc)
2. My first kiss was Shawn Cassidy, the album cover, which I kept under my pillow
3. My first crush was in second grade to a boy named Russell. For Valentines Day he gave me a pretend makeup kit ….was this the start of my lipstick love?
4. I am a total introvert and generally shy, which is why I love acting
5. I don’t enjoy cooking and if I didn’t have kids I believe my husband and I could survive on cereal and toast
6. I have a degree in science which I struggled with after I changed my major from Music
7. Chopin is my favorite classical composer. His music is very emotional
8. Every day from 1st grade through 12th grade I brought a peanut butter sandwich to school (Jiffy peanut butter on Wonder bread)
9. I hate spiders…no, all bugs really
10. I’m allergic to cats, therefore I am a dog person
11. I ran away from home once when I was a teenager but only for a few hours at the mall (sorry mom and dad)
12. My first job was at Burger King. I was 14 1/2 and have not really stopped working since
13. I didn’t enjoy reading books until after college. Cliff notes were my best friend
14. I hate talking on the phone; texting was made for me
15. I’ve kept a journal since I was 9

That’s it for now, just some basics. Do we have anything in common? I’d love to get to know all of you too. Tell me your stories!

Today I am keeping it simple and wearing Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm in Rose. I love it. It’s moisturizing and smooth, all natural, and inexpensive. Rose gives me just a pop of color. I of course have Red Dahlia too which I love. Keep opening yourselves to new people, it softens your heart. Cheers!

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