Tag Archives: lipgloss

Lonely

20 May

photo (4)

Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

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Your Voice

28 Apr

lighthouse

Last Tuesday I sang once again at the World Voice Day celebration sponsored by my doctor and a local hospital. It was another incredible night listening to singers and musicians from the local area. This event is always emotional for me because not only is it a celebration of the voice (which I’m so grateful to still have after all of the cancer, surgeries, and radiation), but it’s a chance to listen to other singers who have overcome different ‘vocal adversities’ and are also grateful to still have their voices. This was my fifth year singing and not only did I sing a solo, but also, last minute, sang a duet with my physician. Standing on the stage reminded me of how far I’ve come and how the voice is so fragile; every year I was either recovering or in the middle of treatment for cancer, this year, I was celebrating being cancer free, still having one vocal cord working, and yes, I cried like a baby after getting a standing ovation for my solo. You can see some of my previous Voice Day moments by clicking on the links on the side of my blog.

Saturday I ran in a 5K to benefit the local Leukemia and Lymphoma Society chapter. It’s very difficult to run because of my vocal cord situation and my impaired breathing but it gives me a sense of control over my body and it reminds me that despite the difficulty, I still can. This particular race I ran with a bit of a heavy heart. I have two good friends whose loved ones are currently in treatment for lymphoma; one a boyfriend, one a husband, both still young. Another close friend whose dentist noticed a lump in her neck, got results from her CT scan detecting a mass in her neck which will now be biopsied next week. Life is so fragile and as I ran with survivors, caregivers, patients, it struck me how people all around us have significant events weaving through their lives. My heart hurts for those struggling but also beats hard to be able to make a difference and to make my life matter.2013-04-27 09.50.23

At the end of the Voice Day celebration, a few people who currently had no voices came up to me and thanked me for my story. Again my heart hurt because I knew their struggle and felt their pain, but it also brought back memories of when I had no voice. Our voices and our stories are powerful, no one has the same ones. Why do we go through adversities, pain, and triumphs? To share our stories and to give people hope.  If you are blessed to still have your voice I encourage you to share your stories, pain and all, because you never know who may need to hear it.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Sheer Lip Color in Pink Blossom which is actually red/orange…not really pink despite the name. I LOVE these lipsticks because although they are called sheer, they have lots of color. They are extremely moisturizing and not heavy! I chose this color because, well, it brightens my day! Cheers!

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Friends

18 Apr

sunrise

Last weekend I spent some time with two friends I hadn’t seen for almost 17 years. We met when they were both young moms and I was just a newlywed. For about 5 years these girls and I met at least once a week sometimes 3-4 times, we shared struggles, vulnerabilities, lots of laughter and life. I was the first to move away (which was extremely difficult at the time), Dawn and her family was next to move, while Leanna stayed in the same area with her family. Thanks to Facebook and email, we have been able to keep in touch here and there and I have been able to watch their families expand and grow in every Christmas card I received. This year we finally took the extra step to coordinate our busy schedules to get together for a weekend in Chicago and I am so glad we did. We looked a little bit older, but our friendship seemed to start exactly where it left off. I still felt the closeness we shared years ago and we were able to talk as mothers and wives sharing laughter and tears. It was so refreshing to be able to let go and be authentic with good friends who share the same faith and whom I trust wholeheartedly. Friends like that are few and far between and I feel blessed.photo

Isn’t that what we lack these days? Life can get so busy and those kind of deep relationships take time. When you throw in the complexities and insecurities of women, it makes it even more difficult. Here’s the disconnect, those are the kinds of relationships people crave, right? I know I do. How do we get there? Time, yes, but also trust. I have met many people these days who require one to earn their trust, what if that never happens because there’s no time? I choose to trust first. It may be the wrong approach and it may leave me heartbroken but I can’t live any other way. How can relationships get deeper if no one wants to hold out their hand and be vulnerable? That’s my challenge to you and to myself also, take a chance on people, we need each other.

Today I wear MAC Sheen Supreme lipstick in Insanely It. These are probably the most moisturizing of the MAC lipsticks; somewhere between a lipstick and a gloss. They have lots of color and yet because of the consistency, it can be worn sheer. When I first saw this color which looks like a bright hot pink I thought there was no way it would look good on me. Surprisingly, I love it and I know it will be a favorite through spring and summer! So yes, the name is accurate, this hot watermelon pink is Insanely It!  Cheers!

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Long Week

6 Apr

2013-02-18 22.20.13

*sigh*   What a long week, emotions can be grating on the psyche. Remember a couple blogs ago I spoke about my friend and her boyfriend with the growth on his neck? Well, it was a rare fast growing cancer and he almost died last weekend…yes, from an unknown lump, to cancer taking over his whole body in one month. He received massive amounts of chemo and miraculously looks like he will be ok. Another friend revealed that her husband’s cancer has progressed and he is now starting treatment after a year of ‘watch and wait’. On Wednesday I did my mammogram which, well, if you’re a woman over forty, you know. I felt a little traumatized by the manipulation of my breasts in a giant panini maker, not to mention the pain. I’ve been a little sad because of everything, but this week was particularly difficult. With all of those things going on with me and around me, I was, and still am, overwhelmed with not just the brevity of life, but also how things can change so quickly. I am trying to be angry (to get over my sadness), but it’s not working yet.

The week still had plenty of magic to lift my spirits of course. Last Sunday was Easter and being a Christian, I am so grateful for what Christ has done and for His love and amazing gift of grace and forgiveness. I also met with some great friends this week, old and new. It’s awesome how God brings different people into our lives at different times. I believe there are no ‘accidents’ or concidence in meeting people and I am so thankful for all of my relationships. In Les Miserables, Victor Hugo wrote, “To love another person is to see the face of God“, a line which is included in the Finale song of the musical by the same name. Thank you to my friends, family, and all of you reading my blog and following my journey; God’s face is all around.

Today I wear Dior Dior Addict Lip Gloss in 643 Diablotine. I LOVE this gloss and color! It is super moisturizing, a little bit sparkly, and has great color for a gloss. This color is not quite hot pink, and not quite orange (which seemsto be the color of the moment)…it’s perfect! I chose it for today because I have been wearing it all week and for me, it is another perfect color for spring and summer! Cheers!

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Results Are In

26 Mar

fall

Well, the results are in! Remember the three scenarios I mentioned in my last blog? It was none of the above. No, no, a definitive answer would be too easy considering my cancer path. My doctor called and the good news is that my neck looks good! Nothing showing up on the PET scan in terms of ‘leftover’ cancer or new and obvious growth, so the number on my blood work results must have been a fluke or a variable they didn’t know about from the new test. It was great news for me because the treatment for anything new in my neck would be extremely risky. Ahh, but the news doesn’t stop there…he continued to say that there was something else. He asked if I was recently in an accident, or if I cut myself shaving, or if I was sick recently…no, no, no,….why? ‘Well, there’s some inflammation of some lymph nodes under your arm.’ ‘So what?’ ‘ He says, well, that’s typical of breast cancer, I want you to get a mammogram.’ ‘I have thyroid cancer cells in my breast?’ ‘No, this would be totally unrelated.’ ‘Hmmm, ok.’

So a mammogram is next and my journey moves forward. How do I feel? Nuts. It’s almost laughable. I cried a little because I just want this over with, but hey, it’s life and I’m still living, making the most of every day now more than ever.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Rebelle. These lipsticks are super moisturizing because they are like a lipstick/gloss hybrid. I chose Rebelle because it is the perfect pop of sheer red and ‘Rebel’ is in the name…I’m fighting back! Cheers!

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Dear Cancer

7 Feb

mad

Dear Cancer,

I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you. You keep wanting to get back together and for whatever reason, my body lets you. Well I’m done, I’m sick of all the game playing and I’m sick of you messing with my mind. I wish I could say that my relationship with you has made me stronger, braver, more courageous, but I just don’t know anymore. Now that you’re trying to get back together only bad feelings come up. You have made me more insecure about myself, you’ve made me sad, and I have shed too many tears because of you. You not only affect me, you have widespread effects on people I love and care about. They don’t even know what to say anymore; you leave a train of destruction and pain. It may surprise you but I love my life, and yes, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart constantly to the blessings around me. Are you trying to teach me something? Is there a lesson to learn? Well I got it, I’m good, so please stop showing up. Don’t underestimate me, I am not going down.

So here we are at another crossroads. Will you ever leave me alone? Hate is a strong word that I never use, but I’m beginning to hate you. You have broken my heart over and over, but I will not let you break my spirit.

Anna

PS I am ready to fight so I am wearing my Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent!

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My Heavy Heart

2 Feb

survivor

What a week! This past week I was out of town for an important meeting with my new company. It was both exciting, because of some new things we are doing, and stressful, because we were also being tested on new information. All in all, it was fun because the company is small and I was able to spend time with some great people from across the country. This week I also found out that one of my former colleagues was tragically killed in a car accident leaving a wife and four young children. I was not close to him but remember having a few conversations at corporate functions. Just the thought of him leaving for work in the morning and not coming home puts a knot in my stomach and it is once again the reminder of the brevity of life.

Anyhow, this week I got the news I was waiting for. On Tuesday while I was sitting in one of the general sessions of my meeting I received a call from my doctor, the results of my blood-work were in. So here is what I was thinking leading up to this, it’s been over two years, a few scares along the way, but if this blood-work was clean I was going to be able to finally start breathing a little easier about the cancer coming back. It would be the longest time between cancer ever coming back and in my head I would’ve been ‘semi’ home free. Unfortunately the news was not what I wanted to hear. My number was outside or above normal which indicates cancer somewhere in my body. Not exactly the news I was expecting. There are many questions and unfortunately no answers. My doctor said that since the test is so new and the patients that need it are so rare, he is not aware of any possible variables in the number. So what’s next?  PET scan and ultrasound to determine if, what, and where. Another obstacle to getting more answers, since changing jobs, I have new insurance and right now my new insurance may not cover those tests until May because of a pre-existing clause. So, all of this during a very important company meeting…it was too much. Fortunately, because I am an actor, I kept my game on and did extremely well at the meeting and the testing despite the fact that since receiving the news on Tuesday I slept very little and was trying to keep tears at bay, talk about extreme emotions.

For today my heart feels a little heavier and my head is swimming but I am still trusting in God’s plan. Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glacé in Brownberry. I love these glosses because they are not too sheer, moisturizing, and feel great on the lips; they also have a vanilla smell. I chose this color because it gives me a perfect natural color for everyday. It’s got a hint of berry but is still natural. For now my journey continues, not yet fully confident but still with that hint of hope. To be continued…..

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Music

26 Jan

singing

The topic this week for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘music’. Where should I start? I don’t know what my life would be like without music. You know when you’re watching a movie and if something scary or emotional is taking place there’s music in the background? My world is a little like that. For many of the events in my life, there is a song that matches. Music has always been a part of me thanks mostly to my parents. They love music and even from my earliest memories, I have always been surrounded with it; from musicals, to classical concerts in the park, or even my dad singing around the house or conducting a fake orchestra. My mom says I sang all the way to Detroit on the flight from the Philippines when I was 2, Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells. At age 8, I saw the musical Annie and memorized the songs with dreams of being Annie (Asian Annie? no way). At 9 or 10 I saw Grease and learned ,Hopelessly Devoted to You, Asian Sandy? Not a chance. Dance lessons and piano lessons started at the age of 7 and at ag14 I sang and played the piano for the first time in public at a talent show and won first place, Looking Through the Eyes of Love. It all came together, Guys and Dolls, Brigadoon, Anything Goes, West Side Story; musicals in high school and college brought my singing and dancing together. Sometimes when I see people I care about or if I’m going through emotional times I hear music, different songs pop in my head. Waking up from my first surgery,It Is Well, surviving my second surgery, Good To Be Me, surviving cancer the third time, How Could I Ask For More. wss

Yes, music has shaped me and has allowed me to express myself in different ways. The way music affects me is difficult to describe, sometimes it’s the melody, sometimes, the words, and sometimes the voice itself. Victor Hugo said it best,“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”. What about you? What does the soundtrack of your life sound like? I know my story is not done, my musical is still being written and I’m still hearing the music; it’s pretty cool.

Today I wear lipstick from a local Michigan cosmetic company called Whip Hand Cosmetics. I am wearing their Lip Creme in Shock which is a beautiful deep pinky plum color. I love this lip creme because it feels lighter than lipstick and is super moisturizing. It’s hard to describe because it feels like a non-sticky gloss but the color lasts like a stain…simply awesome. I also have to talk about their most popular product Set the Stage Makeup Primer. I have literally tried at least 10 primers from Laura Mercier, to Smashbox, to even Revlon. Since I’m in my 40’s I’m just looking for something that can smooth my face without feeling thick. Theirs has been the best so far! It feels smooth, blurs the lines and does not feel like another layer of something on your face under your makeup. Again, hard to describe. Enjoy the music that is your life!

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People

21 Jan

morning magic

Wow, has it been almost two weeks since my last post? It’s not for lack of ideas on what to write. In fact, I read a quote somewhere which said that quiet people have the noisiest minds; or something like that. For some who know me, you may think I am not quiet by nature…untrue, I am an introvert who over the years of being in sales have become a trained extrovert. Over the past couple weeks I have been able to meet with a few friends for coffee or just brief one on one time. It’s a time I cherish developing and deepening relationships. Each one has a different background, life, goals, etc, it’s so interesting hearing their stories and their feelings about different things and it gives great perspectives on how past and current events change you and make you who you are today. I met with a close friend going through a divorce and I can’t help but hurt for her and her kids. It’s a struggle for her to balance what’s best for her, what’s best for her kids while trying to guess what their future looks like. There are many facets to her story and it’s just awful. The beautiful part is that she hasn’t lost her faith and is now relying on it, along with her friends to get her family through. I met with another beautiful friend and jewelry designer Michele Saulson for ‘girl time’ and a private shopping experience in her home. It was great getting to know her better, talking about our families, and listening to her goals for her company; and of course shopping her awesome stuff! saulson designsSo many people, so many stories. Here’s what I know, everyone is going through and experiencing life differently and you can’t judge them based on how they look, what you think you know, or even on just one or two interactions. A big story that has come out recently has to do with Notre Dame football player Manti Te’0 and his ‘virtual’ fake or real girlfriend. I don’t know the whole story and whether he’s lying or telling the truth. I do know that it’s a sad statement to think that he considered this person that he met on-line his girlfriend?! Have we come to the point where we don’t need face to face, physical contact with other human beings? I hope not. I know I need it and I’m pretty sure our society craves it. Once again, love God, love others. Look people in the eye, smile, hug.

As of today I still have no results from my blood work but it’s still one day at a time. I read a quote (sorry for all the quotes today) that said, “To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.” – Oswald Cambers. Breathless expectation, I love that. I still seek the magic everyday and most of the time it finds me through people.

Today I wear Mary Kay NouriShine Plus Lip Gloss in Beach Bronze. I got a sample of this believe it or not in my son’s Halloween bag after trick or treating in the neighborhood. It was in a bag with a candy bar and it had a tag on it with a business card which said, ‘something for mom’; clever idea I must say. Anyhow, it’s a great bronzy color with a bit of shimmer. It has a great non-sticky consistency and is surprisingly long lasting. I chose the color because it can be worn as both a wintery bronze on me (because I’m tan) but also in the summer for that sun-kissed look. I mainly chose it for the name. It’s been really cold the past few days in Michigan and the name ‘Beach Bronze’ just captured me! Cheers!

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It’s That Time Again…

9 Jan

bloodwork

Oh no, not again. Yup, it’s that time of year. Time for the blood-work and all the check-ups to see if the cancer is back. Since this is the 2 year mark I only have to get the tests done every six months or until they see something different. Remember last August they did see a little something but nothing substantial enough for action. Well, today they took four vials of blood to see if there are any changes. Two of the vials are going to California for that ‘unique’ test to see if I have tumor markers signifying cancer. Unfortunately since its a test given to rare cases like me, I have to wait 3-4 weeks for the results…ahhh fun times. Otherwise, my doctor said all seemed ok. While at the doctors office I got in a conversation with a gentleman in the small waiting area amidst the patient rooms while I was waiting for the phlebotomist to collect my blood. He asked what I was getting blood-work for and then he asked,’ Well, thyroid cancer is the best cancer to get right?” As you know, most thyroid cancer survivors don’t appreciate that statement, no cancer is good cancer. Anyhow, I replied, ‘ For some,’ then I asked if he was being seen for something. He proceeded to tell me with teary eyes that 35 years ago his wife had lymphoma (cancer of lymph nodes) followed 10 years later with pancreatic cancer, then 5 years ago, colon cancer, and now they think thyroid cancer. So, I repeated the very phrase that I dislike to him, ‘Well, thyroid cancer is the best cancer to get, easily treated for sure.’ I couldn’t believe what this couple has been through and I was so grateful that I was hopefully on the tail end of my cancer journey.

So here I am today, if the results are good then I will be over two years cancer free. For me, a mile marker easing my mind that quite possibly it’s over and maybe I can finally adjust to my new normal. What’s bad about today and all the tests,  is that it brought back those feelings of anxiety and insecurity; it was a reminder that yes, I had cancer, it’s come back a few times and no, I have no control over it. It’s so crazy and sad and depressing, but of course I was blessed with a quote on a radio talk show about the future at exactly the time I got into my car and turned on the radio after the appointment. The host was talking about the future and quoted Abe Lincoln, “The best part about the future is that it happens one day at a time.” How awesome is that? I just finished my appt and bloodwork from one arm and was headed to another lab for bloodwork on the other arm and heard that on the radio! God is good, that’s the truth, one day at a time, no control. I don’t know what the results will be one month from now but there is nothing I can do until then. Life moves on so I must continue seeking that magic. The blessing now is that once again I am reminded of the brevity of life and I can’t wait to continue living it.

Today I wear Buxom Full Bodied Lip Gloss in Hot Mama. First of all, I love the Buxom glosses. They are moisturizing and have beautiful color…these are some of my favorites. Hot mama is red of course and I love it both for the color and the name; hot mama, I wish! Cheers!

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