Tag Archives: motherhood

Thankful

2 Mar

clouds
It’s been a long week. There have been times during and since having cancer that I get completely overwhelmed with gratitude; an absolute moment when my heart feels like it’s exploding. Well, that happened a couple of times to me this week; once sitting in a parking lot getting ready to go into an office, and the other, while driving to go see a friend. I was flooded with emotion just thinking about my life, the people in it, and just exactly where it is today. In general, it was a week full of chaos (as usual) but I absolutely felt blessed in those brief moments. Almost two weeks ago a friend of mine’s dad had a heart attack. I was able to visit him and his dad in the hospital and I admit, it was tough. Seeing the interaction between the two, a son taking care of his father, it was humbling. Later he said to me, ‘my dad was my Superman, so seeing him like this is hard,’ broke my heart. It’s the circle of life right? My strong friend taking care of his Superman. Another friend of mine was in the emergency room last week not exactly knowing what was wrong. She had absolute fear in her eyes when she told me all about it the next day when I saw her. Fortunately in both instances, things seem to be getting better.

The first time I had cancer the doctor walked in my room when I was by myself and told me I was going to die, and it was 4 years ago this month that I had my third (and last, hopefully) surgery for cancer. There have been several moments in between where I have gotten completely overwhelmed with life and just living. My life has been in constant transition, especially lately, and not always smooth, but I am so thankful. There have been people, friends, that have really stepped up, and new people who I have met for exactly this time. I said this in my last blog but it’s awesome how different people weave themselves in and out of your story. Some meetings are brief but they all leave an impact and memory, and many times those people weave back in. Life is fleeting but beautiful if you can just stop and open your eyes…To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.~ Oscar Wilde

To everything – turn, turn, turn. There is a season – turn, turn, turn. And a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap; A time to kill, a time to heal; A time to laugh, a time to weep~Turn Turn Turn~The Byrds

Today I wear NYX Cosmetics Butter Gloss in Sugar Cookie. These glosses are AWESOME and inexpensive!. They are not sticky at all, slightly pigmented, and super moisturizing. I chose this color for two reasons. First, it’s a great pop of color that won’t scare people away (looks natural), and second, because of the name, my daughter made some amazing cookies this week! Cheers!

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This Girl Is On Fire

21 Feb

Dancing on the streets of Paris with a breakdance crew

Dancing on the streets of Paris with a breakdance crew


I have a friend that I see every now and then. She is the person who always has a book to recommend or an author or a new song; not a fiction book, some type of inspirational or self-help book, but never cheesy. She always has great advice, not too pushy, and the way she comes across, with her added expressions, never ceases to crack me up! She’s actually hysterical and no matter what mood I’m in, I leave laughing. Anyhow, I saw her recently and of course she opens with ‘I just read this great book’ (uh huh, I’m already smiling) ‘It was written by this incredibly strong woman’…’All right’, I say as I take out a piece of paper to write name and author, like always…’Maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s called ‘My Lipstick Journey Through Cancer’ by Anna Warner’. Me…blank stare back. Then she stares at me square in the eyes and says ‘that’s right, she’s in there, bring her back.’ Believe it or not, that small gesture touched me deep in my soul and I started to feel that fire again (cue the theme from Rocky). Who am I? I’m a girl who auditioned for a show 3 times before finally getting on, I fought cancer 3 times also, I pushed through a science degree when all I wanted to do was sing and dance, and when people said I couldn’t, I did all I could to prove them wrong. Heck yeah, I’m a fighter.

There have also been a lot of opportunities recently that have popped up. I was asked by an artist and vocal coach from Atlanta if she could use my story as part of her Vocal Workshop, of course, thank you Heather! A national cancer organization has also asked me to speak and share my story at a national meeting for young physicians. On top of that, coming soon is an event near and dear to my heart, the annual Voice Day celebration that my physician puts together, and I am still fortunate to be able to sing and be a part of that special day. This week I also met up with a couple old co-workers and it was really great. I am so incredibly grateful for all of my experiences, good and bad, but mostly for all the people who God has weaved in and out of my life and journey at exactly the right time. I love you all. ‘She got both feet on the ground, And she’s burning it down. She got her head in the clouds,And she’s not backing down. This girl is on fire…~ Girl on Fire,Alicia Keys

Today I wear an old favorite, Buxom Full On Lip Polish in Brandi. These lipglosses are not sticky at all and make your lips tingle a little. I love the color Brandi because it adds kind of a deep berry shade to my lips while still being a little sheer. Check out the box it comes in…yeah, this girl is on fire…watch out! Cheers!

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Rumors and Lies

9 Feb

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There have been several emotions swirling in my mind over the past few weeks (obviously); joy, sadness, anger, and fear because of various reasons. When I was young, I was shy, painfully shy. My parents are extremely social and we would either be at a party or hosting one. At those parties I was either attached to my parents’ hip or after doing the obligatory hello’s (and playing the piano…I am Filipino), I would try to escape to my room to read, write, or listen to music. I wasn’t sad or lonely, just a shy introvert who would be overwhelmed by crowds and having to socialize. My shyness carried on for pretty much all of my youth until college where I sort of blossomed. In Jr. and Sr. high I became involved in sports, choir, plays, student government. Then I was on a TV show and won a couple beauty pageants my mom encouraged me to join to increase my confidence and break out of my shyness. Despite those things, I was still shy, opening up to few, but kind to all. What happens when you have a few accomplishments and are mostly quiet? People talk about you, rumors, and even lies sometimes. Why? 1. To feel better about themselves, 2. To convince people that they are better than the person they are talking about, or 3. Whatever lies they are pushing, it’s because they are actually the one that’s guilty of said lie(s). Sometimes they repeat it so much, they actually start believing it…scary.

What does this all have to do with me today? Well, I just went through a divorce and am keeping quiet about the details. I have had really incredible support through both the cancer and the divorce from people who have done life with me, worked with me, family, and even people I have had very little interaction with. Why? My parents taught me well…love God, love others; practice patience, kindness, gratefulness. Although I can still get shy sometimes, I try with my actions to be and do these things; not always succeeding but consciously always trying to be a positive force. Today there are lies being told and believed by even a few of those who were close to me. Hurtful? Absolutely, but although my heart hurts at times, I can hold my head high knowing the truth and also feeling confident that the truth eventually comes out. Actions speak louder than words and sometimes your actions show people who you are. “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.”~ José N. Harrisanna2.9.14

Today I wear Nars lipstick in Heatwave. Nars is famous for great lipsticks. This formula is semi-matte so it’s a little drying for me but still great. I chose this color for the simple reason that I WANT SUMMER BACK!! Cheers!

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Magic

4 Feb

survivor
Today is World Cancer Day, a day that the World Health Organization (WHO), and everyone else uses to recognize, unite, and fight against the disease that will kill an estimated 84 million people from 2005-2015. It’s also about survivors. Most of the time I don’t dwell on the fact that I had cancer but today, seeing all the cancer posts and all the purple profiles for the American Cancer Society and Chevy, I get a little nostalgic.I don’t even know if nostalgic is the right word, but I guess my heart feels a little heavy today; both sad and grateful. It’s strange, there are the constant reminders, my scar, my difficulty breathing sometimes, the numbness/weakness in my left arm from all the surgeries and radiation on the left side of my neck, these things are daily but are fully integrated into my life, it’s just how it is. What changed the most for me is what happened inside my heart and mind. There are people who have told me, ‘thyroid cancer?’ ‘the easy cancer?’. Really makes me sick, cancer is cancer, cells trying to kill you, nothing easy about that. Who would even imagine someone having to defend their cancer? No one asks for it, no one wants it, and everyone walks away different. My particular journey was tough, but isn’t every person’s?

It’s hard to describe what has changed on the inside because sometimes it’s overwhelming. I know that I tolerate less crap, I crave peace and kindness, but most of all I look at people, circumstances, and plain daily living a whole lot differently. I take my time now to notice. Most of the time we’re so busy trying to do something or get somewhere, we don’t notice who or what is even in our surroundings; is someone hurting, laughing, talking to you even…I know I’m not making sense but life is not so serious. If we look for the magic, we see it. I have had many people come into my life over the past few years at exactly the time I needed them, it’s been awesome. Understanding their stories, who they are, spoken from their eyes…magic. Cancer has made me more sad, more angry, more willing, but most of all more grateful for the simplest of things. See? I can’t even articulate! I recently watched a movie where Meryl Streep’s character has cancer and she jumps out of a car and starts running…really random, going nowhere. She was crazed and upset and yes, sometimes it’s like that; but sometimes we(me) run to nowhere just because we can. The simple act of running with arms open, face in the wind, breathing in life…magic. I used this quote before but I love it so much I’m going to use it again as a reminder. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” ~Steve Jobs

Today I wear Strawberry Lip Smacker. Cheap, yummy, the stuff I had in high school, a simpler time. Cheers!

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Real

1 Feb


I’m at a loss for words, no, really. Last week I dropped the ‘divorce’ bombshell and the amount of support from everyone was unbelievable; all of the wonderful messages both public and private were overwhelming. It was my most read blog of all time, almost 1000 people. Crazy. What does that tell me? Either a) people crave authenticity and truth or b) people love good gossip. I’m hoping for ‘a’ because that’s what I crave. We all walk around with amazing facades don’t we? We portray what we think people want to see; put together, nice, happy, perfect…how exhausting. I prefer the raw and uncut version because that’s where I am. It’s easier, but sometimes a risk. We all live imperfect lives and are flawed, thank goodness, perfection is impossible. If we all came to terms with that then maybe we would be more real with each other and not so judgmental. Ask me what I think now and I’ll tell you, no more pretense. For the people in the ‘b’ category, not my style. I’m fairly private despite a book and blog. I write observations on life not dirt about me or anyone else, sorry. Those close to me know some of the details but not all, like I said, I keep things close. I’m more about actions than words anyhow, you get back what you put out into the world and nothing someone says can outweigh what they do.

It’s been an interesting week of mixed emotions but I am still looking forward with great hope for the future. I have heard the ‘strong’ word thrown around a lot and frankly, I’m not feeling it; just living and doing the best I can. This week I got to help a friend going through her own difficult life circumstance. That’s one of life’s privileges, going through struggles, getting stronger, and helping others. Life is beautiful.

‘Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength’~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

Today I wear Lancome Rouge In Love lipstick in Fierry Attitude. These lipsticks are feather light and last a long time. They are a tiny bit drying for me but not as bad as some of the other long lasting lipsticks. I chose this color because it’s a deep berry which I love, I also love the name…living life with passion and a fiery attitude! Cheers!

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Picture Perfect

26 Jan


Over the holidays I received lots of family pictures, you know, the new trend of sending the picture postcard? Everyone’s happy, smiling, perfect. I heard the other day that relationships, like these pictures, always look good and pretty on the outside, but sometimes the picture is not always what it seems. What’s easier for people to see? Obviously the pretty, but people’s lives are never truly picture perfect are they? They’re messy and complicated sometimes. Over the past several months to a year, I have been referring to a personal issue in my life that I have been navigating through outside of cancer. I read this quote ‘I know of nothing more valuable when it comes to the all important virtue of authenticity then simply being who you are.’~Charles Swindoll. Last week I wrote about a shift that had occurred in my life, a death and a birth; last week I became a divorced woman and a single mother. I’m sure many of you are surprised and I will not go into details, but it was not something done lightly. If you have been reading my blog for some time, you know me fairly well by now. I am a survivor. I was asked by a couple people this past week who my safety net was, who I was ‘gunning’ for, and my response was quick, no one, there is nobody else. I am finally aiming for me; my safety net is God. Like I said in my blog a few weeks ago, no one knows what happens behind closed doors and I will leave it at that. Now, I move forward with even more strength, courage, and hope for a beautiful future. I hope you stay with me in my complicated journey called life. One more quote,‘We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be’~ Mary Sarton.

So here I am, trying to be authentic and unapologetically me.

No lipstick today, just me 🙂

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Shift

18 Jan

photo(5)
There are certain events in life, both good and bad, that cause a shift in the way you see the world; your first kiss, the birth of a child, reaching a goal, and even a death of a loved one. These shifts can happen years apart or continually, fast and furious. The past few years for me have been the latter, fast and furious. Between cancer, my book, reaching certain goals, the death of my friend, deepened friendships, and even certain new people that I have met, all of these things have been one after another constantly changing my perspective and even showing me even more how awesome and beautiful this world is and the people in it. This past week I had another major shift happen in my life. Without going into great detail at this time, this shift brought feelings of both a death and a birth; the sadness and grief you experience from death coupled with the warmth, joy, and peace after a birth. My day ended with my view of the world being simple and beautiful despite the freezing temperatures and snowfall. An overriding theme to all these shifts is hope.

I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.” ― C. JoyBell

I love this quote because if you recall from my 25 Things.. post, I love beautiful things that fly (not bugs), butterflies, hawks, eagles…because they look so free. Life never guarantees us an easy road but there’s always hope. Today is exactly the time between what’s already been and what’s yet to come so all we can do is live, learn, then move forward. With every shift I have learned different lessons and I welcome them. All I know for now, is that I will continue to live with breathless anticipation and hope, always open to whatever change comes next.

Today I wear Marc Jacobs Lust for Lacquer Lip Vinyl in No Regrets. These full coverage lipglosses are amazing! They have full on color and they are fairly long lasting. A friend and I sorta went nuts at Sephora trying all of these on. Although I bought Fame, No Regrets (which is red) is next. I chose it today for the name. No matter what choices, or paths we take we can learn from them and move forward, regrets are a waste of time. Cheers!

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Behind the Door

8 Jan

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This has been an interesting week. It started with being buried in the snow and being trapped in my own house. Then, a friend called and told me that she is going through some tough times. I offered my home and listening ear to her so she has been staying here while sorting things through. Sitting and listening to her situation while also considering mine, there is one thing I know for sure…no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Going through all that I have gone through including the cancer, I was surprised, yet, not really. So much happens in people’s lives and unless you are walking in their shoes, you really don’t know. My neighbor who read my book awhile back told me that she didn’t realize all I had gone through with the cancer and said, ‘I had no idea, there’s so much that goes on behind closed doors,’ She’s right. So what should we do? What can we do? We can be present to those who are in our lives. We can listen and be supportive. We can only give advice based on our personal experiences and journeys, but we can’t expect them to feel the same way or to listen to our advice because again, they are walking their own path. Lastly, we can’t judge, it’s not our place, and the last time I checked, the seat at God’s right hand was already taken. I heard this song by Coldplay this morning and thought about my friend. Here is a link to a sweet ukelele cover of Coldplay’s Fix You. As much as I want to help her ‘fix’ her situation, it’s not my place. I will simply open my home, my heart, and listen. I do want to say thank you to all my awesome friends and family who have been there for me throughout my path with homes, hearts, and listening ears. I am forever grateful. I took all these pictures of doors in Europe because not only were they beautiful, but I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the truth behind the doors and within the walls. We’re all so different…it’s pretty cool to sit back and listen.2012-06-25 20.34.44
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Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick in Prayer. I really like these lipsticks because they are packed with color and are moisturizing at the same time. Prayer is kind of a mauvey-brown which is a great every day color for me and pretty much everyone else. I chose this color this time because I believe in the power of prayer and that is one thing we can definitely do for hurting people! Cheers!

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Anti-Resolutions

30 Dec

2014.4
Christmas 2013 has come and gone and now the countdown to a New Year is upon us. I cannot believe it will be 2014 in a few short days but I am so ready. 2013 has not been a great year for me but at least I end on a healthy note. It started with bad numbers in my blood work from January leading my physicians to believe that my cancer was back but in a different area of my body. From there, the different scenarios; insurance that wouldn’t pay for testing because of my pre-existing condition, then the one unwilling to pay for the expenses of the PET scan, ultrasound, etc., followed by the numerous friends that offered to do fund raisers so I could have answers. Then the passing of my friend, and cancer angel, Bob. The toll of all of those on my brain and body; depression, anxiety, etc. and all that has transpired since then…. For now, I am cancer free and moving forward. Most people set resolutions right about this time, goals they want to achieve, promises they make to themselves about health and life in general. After cancer I reassess those things daily, so annual resolutions are not something I think about,I tend to just ‘go’ with life. Someone I know said to me a short while ago, ‘So just because you had cancer you think you’re strong now?’ Without a doubt. Lesson #1 from 2013: Watch your words, they stem from your heart. Enough of the negative can really damage a person and their soul…blog for another day.

So back to the resolutions…yes, I have the typical thoughts of eating right, exercising, being grateful, etc, but for today I thought I’d set my anti-resolutions; things I don’t want to do in 2014:

1. I will not let any person dictate to me how I should act or feel or who I should hang out with; I already have a God that counsels me on that
2. I do not want to ever forget that God is in control and that He will never love me less despite my mistakes
3. I will not let someone’s opinions, anger, or bitterness affect or change my perceptions and opinions
4. I will not say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’
5. I will not feel guilty for eating carbs and sugar. I like them both and when I try to stop or cut back, I want them more anyway
6. I never want to be too busy to help someone or to listen to them
7. I will not feel guilty for missing a day or a week of exercise…although my body, heart, and mind will be mad at me
8. I never want to view life as a glass half empty, it’s too awesome just being alive
9. Although I talk a lot of taking risks and fearing less, I do not want to sky dive…ever
10. I will not stop playing Candy Crush because sometimes we just need a little bit of brainless activity…

I do look back at 2013 with a thankful heart too. I reconnected with some old friends, I started a new job with an old boss that I love, I’ve met some amazing new people, my kids are awesome and never cease to amaze me, going through tough times I have realized I am abundantly blessed with friends and family that support me; it’s really quite overwhelming. You know that saying that what you put out into the world comes back to you ten fold…it’s true, so be kind. I look at 2014 with excitement and eyes wide open for whatever adventure lies ahead but life happens moment by moment and I just want to soak it all in. ‘Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards’~Soren Kierkergaard

Today I wear NYX Extra Creamy Round Lipstick in Snow White.This is a perfect red, exactly what you think Snow White would wear…not too orangey, more of a blue-red. The other plus is that it’s only $4.00. The formula is moisturizing and semi-long lasting. These lispticks can generally be found at Ulta or Target, they are really great! By the way, none of us need true love’s kiss to wake us up! Cheers and Happy New Year!

‘Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find….
No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken,live your life with arms wide open.Today is where your book begins,the rest is still unwritten‘~ Unwritten,Natasha Bedingfield

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Christmas Memories

21 Dec

Christmas

Christmas always brings lots of memories; some great ones, and some not so great. Growing up in Detroit, I remember my parents waking me up as a young child to attend the historic Old St Mary’s Church in Detroit to go to midnight mass. What I remember about it (since I was so young) was that it was huge and outrageously beautiful. But I also remember the pews being hard as I fell back asleep on them during mass (oops, I was REALLY young). Anyhow, traditionally, we would go back home afterward and eat until dawn. Though the church location changed when we moved to the suburbs, that tradition carried on through high school, sometimes with only my family, and sometimes with friends coming to our house. I remember moments around Christmas like ice skating around the frozen fountain at Belle Isle, the Thanksgiving Parade, and shopping at the old Hudson’s in downtown Detroit.

The two most memorable Christmas’s to me were both significant moments in my life. The first was awful, 2009. It was the morning of Christmas Eve 2009 when I was at the hospital with my three girlfriends at 6am. They came with with me to support me during my PET scan to check on suspicious activity in my neck. At this point I had and beat cancer twice already with my last surgery just the September before. They came with me to sit for the three hours it took to finish. When I came out, two were sleeping in chairs in the waiting room and I’ll never forget how grateful I was they had taken time away from their families to be with me that day. At 4:00 the same evening my doctor called and I received the devastating news that indeed the cancer was back. He said, “Merry Christmas, I’m sorry.” The other Christmas I remember was in the 4th grade, I was 8 or 9 and we had just moved to the suburbs from Detroit. At this time my parents were both working and my dad had even worked two jobs to move us to a nicer area. That Christmas I wrote Santa a long letter. I remember writing a list of things I wanted and then adding things for my hard working parents. When I came downstairs Christmas morning, nothing from my list was on the fireplace. All that was there was a large (to me it was life-sized) yellow, stuffed dog. I remember being a little disappointed that Santa hadn’t brought the presents I asked for for me and my parents, but I loved that stuffed animal. It stayed with me for years! Looking back I now realize that we didn’t have a lot of money and my parents gave me the best they had. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

After cancer and life’s difficulties in general, Christmas along with every day is special. We were given the gift of Jesus on Christmas Day and that is the best gift. Every moment, every memory, every breath whether Christmas or the days after is icing on the cake. Today’s lipstick is my favorite red Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Merlot. Moisturizing, deep red. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!

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