A couple things really affected me over the last couple of weeks. A big one was Artemis II; the unbelievable images they captured, the joy and awe the astronauts had, all the things. Because we are so connected these days we were able to really follow almost their entire journey around the moon AND see the astronauts, share in their camaraderie, hear their thoughts and voices too. Upon their return they did numerous interviews and in one of them Christine Koch got emotional talking about the time she saw the earth hanging in the vast pure darkness—wow. That statement made me emotional because some fight over land, power, fame, money, and yet we are so small and we ALL are living on one single ball floating in darkness. It’s crazy and the pictures from the space perspective they captured were astounding.
Another statement that kinda blew my mind came from the winner of The Voice, Alexia Jayy. First off, she was phenomenal the whole season so I wasn’t entirely surprised that she won. Right after she was crowned this season’s winner she cried (of course), and the cameras followed her backstage where she called her mom. There was the usual ‘I can’t believe it! I won! I’ve worked so hard’ statements but at the end, she shook her head and in tears said, ‘I’m so proud of myself.’ That statement. How often do we say that to ourselves? How often do we wait for validation from a parent, coach, or a boss to tell us they’re proud? Those are all important to hear but why is it more rare to say it to ourselves? Maybe you do but I’ve never said it to me and it struck something inside of me that made me emotional but also left me feeling a little more empowered.
Last week I got to participate in my doctor’s World Voice Day Celebration Concert. I have joined this celebration almost every year since 2009 (after my 2nd cancer diagnosis) but for last week’s concert I was chosen to be the featured speaker sharing my cancer story, how it affected my voice, and of course, the power of our voice. Now, if you’ve read my last two posts you know I had the flu almost 3 months ago but after the fever broke I lost my voice COMPLETELY for almost 5 weeks, then it would come and go (still coughing, still weak today). This Voice Day and my being a part of it was touch and go up until my doctor introduced me. What most didn’t know is that last fall I had a weird reaction to my tetanus booster causing all of my lymph nodes in my armpits and around my breasts to become inflamed so a mammogram was recommended (I didn’t do it). Then after Christmas and 4 months of being on HRT for menopause something strange happened and they wanted to do a biopsy in the female parts (I never scheduled). Then the flu, then my voice, then of course the timing. Two weeks before Voice Day I had my mammogram and gyn appointment, the week before World Voice Day, I had my 6 months scans to see if the cancerous nodules in my neck and lungs have started to grow. I hadn’t realized until then that losing my voice for this extended time period was the tip of the health iceberg for me and my body was definitely keeping score. My mammogram and female issue turned out CLEAR and my 6 month scans were still STABLE—despite the stress on my body over the past months, the cancer did not grow (insert BIG sigh here). Sharing my story and singing a song loaded in history and so important to me was overwhelming. All of the anxiety and mistrust of my body culminated in the 8 minutes I was on the stage and I couldn’t help but get emotional afterwards. There were things I forgot to say in my speech and the performance wasn’t perfect, but my heart was exploding with gratitude that hopefully everyone got to feel and hear.
You can watch the full concert here; my speech and song start at around the 15 minute mark (15:00):https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDoChWthbaY
I’m so proud of myself. I’m so proud of myself. I’m so proud of myself.
We are tiny tiny people, living on a ball, floating in vast nothing, in darkness. What a miracle to be alive. Had things turned out differently for me in terms of the mammogram, scan, voice, etc, I’d like to think I would still be ok and be able to soak in the magical moments with gratitude and hope because I would still have friends and family that love me. Love=Hope and looking back at my life I know I would still say, I’m so proud of myself. You should try it too!
Today I wear Thrive Causemetics EmpowerGloss Ultra Glossy Lip Serum in Vanessa which is a bright cherry. I have loved Thrive as a company for a long time and have been using their mascara for maybe 10 years now, maybe more? I trust their products and love the causes they give back to. Anyhow, this lip serum/lipstick/lipgloss hybrid is FABULOUS; Highly moisturizing, doesn’t just sit on your lips, and more color than a gloss (don’t be afraid of the bright cherry description). I chose this color because it’s red but glossy and not as ‘punchy’ as all out lipstick; the message for me is ‘almost’ fierce but still confident and yes, damn proud. Cheers.
It’s week, I don’t even know anymore, of Covid quarantine. I have semi-adjusted to the daily web based calls for work, various networking calls, dog walks, exercise, cooking, etc, and of all those things, I don’t want to cook anymore…I’m bored with my cooking. I have developed a couple addictions; one to pork rinds (the ‘healthy’ keto kind from Whole Foods), and I can’t get enough of a cleaning instagram account called @gocleanco. It’s seriously a before and after gold mine of house cleaning. No, I haven’t deep cleaned my house from top to bottom nor have the desire to, but I love watching the cleaning stories on this account and I did buy powder Tide for the first time ever (if you watch, you know). It’s weird.
Starting week 6 of our quarantine but who’s counting and how is everyone? I have to say, I have run through the gamut of emotions. The first week or so I was just busy; busy preparing the house for all of the kids to be back (the older 3 are in college and 1 was studying abroad), getting groceries, preparing the home office to transition to 100% work from home for both me and my husband, etc. The second week was still busy but I felt a little more anxious and maybe depressed. Week 3 was when my anxiety peaked and I think it’s when I cried the most, not to mention I think it may have been the week when all the kids started really getting stir crazy. Remember, they are all older teens and young adults and are all used to their independence so being stuck with all their cars in the driveway is a little crazy. Yes, we have lots of cars in the driveway and street so it looks like we’re having a party…trust me, it’s no party in here.
going to grad school to become a Doctor in Physical Therapy. Here’s the clincher, he was going to start grad school in the fall but recently got accepted to another school he’d rather go to which starts in May…MAY. They have redesigned their first semester to have it all online, then he moves for in person classes for the fall semester (hopefully). It’s a lot all at once. I’m not sad that he’s grown up and moving to another state far away for grad school, I’m grieving the fact that I have Stage 4 cancer and I want to soak in every single moment and my first born child graduating college is a ceremony I just wanted to see, cry, and soak in. Yes, it’s about me, but it’s about him too because I know how hard he has worked to do well and finish an undergrad science degree in the honors college in 4 years. Sigh. This Friday, the university president will have a Facebook live commencement event; thank you social media, he graduates via Facebook.
time he (and I) left the hospital, it was fall. We lost summer. Now with Covid, by the time it’s over, it will probably be summer, so we lost spring too. Here’s the deal, IT’S A BLIP IN TIME and with Stage 4 cancer, I love and LIVE for ALL blips in time and having time in general, by trying to be grateful always, and trying to always find the magic. I emphasize ‘trying’ because it can be really hard sometimes. This is just a blip in time to be a little less selfish and a little more self-less for people like me, or your parents/grandparents, or even for a complete stranger. ‘No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.’~1Cor 10:24
amazing doctors, nurses, and support staff. About 4 years ago one of my original doctors that helped navigate my cancer journey retired and I cried my eyes out. He was the one who called me with the news that my cancer had returned the 2nd and 3rd time. He researched new therapies and called different surgeons and oncologists; this busy doctor made me feel like I was his only patient for the 6 years that I saw him. I love all of the people that cared/care for me. What a difficult job they have trying to comfort and encourage patients, while also doing their jobs and what’s medically necessary. The impact that caregivers have on our lives is pretty astounding. Having cancer comes with baggage; fear, sadness, uncertainty~ it’s a dark time and medical staff play an important part. No matter what is happening in their lives they are tasked to care and love hard. Dr. M and Dr. D, my prayers are with you and I love you both hard.
part time getting all A’s. He still gets a little tired writing but that is coming along. Here’s my mom struggle…before the stroke he was a normal teen boy doing the push and pull; the pushing of my nerves while trying to pull away into his own adulthood. I get it, I’ve had to let go of my other two and that’s how it goes. After the stroke, he became my baby again. It was an incredibly difficult time and sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see him lying in that bed in the ICU and it makes me cry. There are things I can’t even talk about without choking up including the last night we spent at the hospital together, praying, crying, and talking about all that had transpired, before 
being discharged to come home. Now that he’s about 95% back to being a normal teen boy, there’s that push and pull again, and I have to relearn it. As one radio DJ said, it’s like a hard break up. For me it’s like breaking up, getting back together, then going through an even harder break up again. Makes me sad but I know it’s necessary. Motherhood is hard and time flies. Besides Alex, my oldest is graduating college in a few months and planning grad school farther away, and Audrey is studying overseas this whole semester. It’s a mixed bag of sadness and joy.
what will hopefully be his last procedure having to do with his stroke last summer. Afterward, while Alex was in the recovery room, the doctor came in and told us that all of the vessels in his brain looked normal and that he shouldn’t have another stroke due to AVM in his future. Done. A few hours after leaving the hospital I was alone in my car headed to the grocery store and I started to cry which then turned into weeping. I couldn’t stop. I realized that since Alex’s stroke in August, I was remaining strong and focused on him and his recovery, trying to keep his and my own spirits up, and now, I was letting it all go. All I felt was an overwhelming sense of gratitude. August and September were a blur of worry, grief, and tears and now, these were tears of joy, gratefulness, and relief.
focus on my own stuff, which was kind of a blessing. Here’s the lesson in that, when you focus on others you focus less on yourself, it’s a good thing most of the time. I honestly didn’t even think about my scan until the night before. I got the results today and I’M STILL STABLE!! My cancer is still there but slow growing and as my doctor said in his text, ‘nothing to worry about.’ Tears, actually, lots of tears.
Anna's Lipstick Journey 