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Tag Archives: love

Love

16 Oct

fall

I had lunch with a friend recently and at the end of lunch she asked me if I still believe in love or being in love because she just didn’t know what that meant anymore. I had a few responses to her questions but I’ve been thinking a lot about them. In a lifetime we get to experience both love and hurt and a lot of junk in between. We love God, our parents, kids, friends, and pets, but when it comes to being ‘in love’ or ‘falling in love’, it’s a completely different definition. Being or falling ‘in love’ is a feeling that I believe comes and goes. The actual act or ‘action’ of love is what sustains a love relationship with a spouse or significant other. Yes, I believe in love and what that means for me is that I finally get to exhale because I get to be the person I was created to be with no risk. It means that in my current cancer journey I have no doubt that he will be there to lean on and to hold my hand at my appointments, scans, and all the times in between. Love doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to be with each other 24/7 because we are created as individuals and that would be just plain weird and codependent. There are no words necessary but there are actions which mostly build you up and make you feel like you’re ok exactly the way you are. Ahhh yes…at the end of a hard day…exhale, he’s there…you get good news…breathe, he’s there…news your cancer’s back…exhale, he’s with you to hold your hand. No human love is perfect because we are all imperfect. God’s love is perfect and I know he loves me exactly how He made me…exhale. I spent years holding my breath and now I get to exhale. I have a friend, I get to laugh, and I get to breathe. I’m so grateful. ‘Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.’ ~Lao Tzu

Over the past few weeks I’ve been able to speak to friends, coworkers, and many of the parents’ of my kids’ friends and teammates about my current cancer journey. We’ve shared a few tears and I’ve been so overwhelmed by the support, love, and help that’s been offered. I am beyond grateful and so blown away by the good in people’s hearts. One thing that I believe I’ve been able to impress on people is the essence of time, especially to my parent friends. Time is a funny thing; when everything’s going well we believe we have all the time in the world. I’m already sad that I have a daughter that’s a senior in high school and preparing to launch, but now I add the component of wanting to still be around to be able to watch my youngest who’s a freshman launch too. My heart hurts thinking about it. So if speaking to me, listening to me, or reading my words make you hug your child harder; if it makes you breathe in the fresh air of a new day and smile, if it pushes you to take the risk, if it makes you realize the brevity of life and helps you enjoy it more, then I am grateful. I have been able to sit back and see the beauty of people and I don’t miss a chance to hug my kids and tell them I love them. It’s a beautiful time. Love harder. ‘You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.’~ Mahatma Gandhibeach

Today I wear Thrive Cosmetics Glossy Lip Mark in Pamela which is the perfect everyday color (mauve/brown). This company works in collaboration with giving partners to provide products, services, and training to women going through cancer treatment at hospitals and events around the world. I love a good cause, I also love the color and texture of this lipgloss. It’s a little heavier than a typical gloss and has great color. Cheers!

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Eclipse

1 Oct

 

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Every week since my diagnosis I have at least a few people ask me how I’m doing or how I’m feeling. My answer to them is generally ok, but I really don’t know how to feel. For the last couple of months now while I’ve been on this ‘watch and wait’ mode it has been a real rollercoaster of emotions literally minute to minute. Physically I feel fine but emotionally I could be fine one minute, devastated the next. My mind rolls through thoughts like crazy, some good some bad; Audrey’s a senior, will I be here for Alex’s senior year/ senior pictures, if I start some type of therapy will I have energy, am I eating the right things, will I still have energy to travel, what exactly is on my bucket list, etc…so much randomness in my thoughts. Without knowing when or if these tumors start to grow is a tough place to be but I know answers are coming soon.

So how do I feel? Right now, mostly sad and sometimes angry. I can’t say I’m really afraid of anything except maybe that I burst out crying at an inappropriate time. Something you may not know about me is that for my job I work in cancer centers and oncology offices all day long so I am literally surrounded by patients, doctors, cancer language, etc. I am not a doctor but I know just enough of the language and statistics to be educated about my own case which again is good and bad. So while I watch and wait I live in the twilight zone  because I can’t get away from the cancer conversation. It’s like that point of a solar eclipse when the sun is partially covered; you know the sun will shine brightly again but not until the moon passes over. For a short bit of time we have to live in the shadows of life’s eclipse until the sun can shine fully again. Some of the things I’m missing right now is laughter, joy, and maybe a little bit of hope. I know it’s a season and I know I’ll fight this bitch (excuse the profanity), but until then I think I may struggle here and there. Jeremiah 29:13 says, You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ I read in another blog that God even wants you to seek Him with the parts of your heart that are broken. My heart is broken but I have enough life and scars on it that I know it’s strong. For now, I’m a little sad.eastervid

Courageous. Brave. Strong. All words people have used to describe me but what do those all mean? I guess that means that I get up every day, pull up my big girl pants, and step one foot in front of the other. The hardest parts of my days are in the quiet but I know that it’s actually in the quiet where I find my strength. I just read Matthew 11:28 in The Message version of the Bible and I really loved it, ‘Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me -watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and light.’ I’m praying for the free and light. I’m praying for joy and laughter and hope and I really want to have a dance party. You read that right, I want to have a party and I want to dance. Text me some jokes or respond to this blog with jokes or funny pictures. Thank you so much for all your prayers and words of encouragement but this week, I want to laugh (but still keep praying). This crazy world needs more laughter anyway!

Today I wear NYX Butter Gloss in Red Wine Truffle. This gloss is seriously the best stuff and under $5 which makes it even better! I have it in several colors and you really can’t go wrong. I chose this particular color today because it feels like fall outside and the color is deeper, but because I also love red wine…cheers!

Prayer, Christianity

24 Sep

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photo courtesy of Kensington Community Church

Last month when I told my mom I had cancer again her first words after the ‘what’ and the ‘where’ were, ‘How can that be? We’ve been praying for you every single day since the last cancer (7 years) that it wouldn’t return. How can that be?’  The second or third time I had cancer I was invited to a small group bible study so they could pray for me…who wouldn’t want that? It was all good until one of the gentlemen started praying for my faith. Afterward he said that I probably got cancer again because I didn’t have enough faith and that his extreme faith in God is why he’s had no illness and drives a Cadillac. His faith got him blessings. I left there angry and sick to my stomach.

I am a Christian woman. I believe in the Father, his son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I try to live a life that shows that but I know I am far from perfect; the amazing part of Christianity is God’s grace and forgiveness. I have complete faith in God’s plan for my life however that looks and I believe there is a reason and a season for everything. Yesterday I waved hello to someone from my past who has over the years hardened toward me because of untruths that she has been told and she turned her back. This mature woman of faith. I wanted to finally speak my truth because there are always two sides, I wanted to forgive, and I wanted to share grace but she. turned. her. back. I forgave, I let go.

You say you’re a Christian? Show me. You have the bible memorized and can quote me verses? Nice job, but are you kind? Show me. You have your arms raised when you worship? Looks intense but do you love people not like you? How do you act outside those four church walls? Show me. You go to church every Sunday and sometimes during the week? Great, but do you condemn and curse people for offensive actions based on your judgement? Show me. John 13:35 says ‘Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.’ Is that you? Is that me? I’m trying my best but if you are quoting a bible verse in one breath then condemning or cursing a person, tribe, nationality, etc…what does that show the world? The old hymn says, ‘They will know we are Christians by our love,’ can we do that? Having cancer again gives me less energy and tolerance for stupid and lots of eye rolling as well. We are all flawed but if all the Christians would love and forgive more maybe our country would be a little less divided. Can we match our actions to our words so our legacy is one of love? We are never promised tomorrow and we are all doing the best we can, let’s do better.  ‘But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law.’ Galatians 5:22-23 

Now, the harder question. Does God answer prayer? When my mom asked me the ‘how’ with all the prayers I just had to shrug my shoulders and say that maybe God had a different plan and to just keep praying. I still 100 percent believe God answers prayer even if it’s not the answer we are hoping for. As Christians we always talk about God’s perfect plan, God giving us the desires of our heart, etc but we are also human so in our human brains it gets a little confusing when we think that His plan is something that we actually want or desire; healing, a promotion, a spouse, a child, a pay raise. I believe that God really cares about our hearts and the rest of the superficial stuff is secondary. I will not stop praying for the superficial stuff but I know that in the big scheme of things I have a plan and God has a plan and sometimes they’re not the same. I trust Him…He loves me, He made me.

Today I wear Lancome L’Absolu Hydrating Lipcolor in Jezebel…I know, biblical name with negative connotation but c’mon people, it’s the name of a lip color. This is the perfect deep berry shade for fall and I love that it’s so moisturizing. Until next time, Cheers!

 

Dad

17 Jun

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What is the difference between a father and a dad? Basically a father passes on his biology but a dad gives you his heart and his love. I have teens and as of late I have come to the conclusion with quite certainty that we as parents have to go through the teen years for a couple reasons. First, to be tortured and reminded that we are actually getting older, and second to remind us of how we were at their age and thus making us eternally grateful for the parents we have that tolerated us, what a cycle. So for my daddy, thank you…  dadlaugh

To the man who is the oldest of 7, the big brother and helper to his family, that married, had a child and decided to move his small family 8,304 miles away from home in hopes of creating a better life for his kids. To the man who makes us all laugh by laughing hard at the jokes he’s telling BEFORE getting to the punch line. To the one who gave me my love and appreciation for music by ‘air’ conducting the symphony in our family room; Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, and always humming or singing around the house or simply singing a response to your question. Who took us to music in the park on Belle Isle and brought me to my first musical and concert. Who taught me how to catch a baseball, shoot a basket, and how to ride a bike. To the man who never missed my choir concerts, shows, or anything I did and who would randomly visit me at college to take me to dinner, then drive 3 hours home. To the one who disciplined hard but loved harder. To the man who took early retirement so my kids wouldn’t have to spend too much time in daycare and even now as lolo/grandpa will try not to miss any of my kids’ games or events. To the one redcoatdadthat continues to show me what love and sacrifice look like; who loves my mom and supports our family, who is still fiercely protective and gentle and giving. This is my daddy. The one who worried and was probably ‘tortured’ by me when I was a teen but who loved me to beyond and back. I am forever his little girl. I am forever grateful to have been blessed with a great dad. Thank you, proud to call you daddy.

 

Yes, this is still my lipstick journey so I will end by recommending one of my favorite lip products of all time, Dior Addict Lip Glow. It feels like a lip balm but brings out the perfect shade of pink/berry on your lips. I always have one in my purse! I chose this because it just enhances you and what you were already born with! Thanks dad, cheers!

From my teen son on Mother’s Day…

14 May
2014
Al
I got this letter/story today written by my youngest son who is 14. Parenting teens is such a challenge and sometimes we have to hang on to just the occasional bits of love and affirmation we get to feel like we’re doing something right. Sometimes we don’t even know what affects our kids or what they hang on to. This made my heart melt and made me ‘love cry.’ (I asked his permission to publish):
Ahhhhhhh! I let out a yawn as I wake up to the soft sound of a piano. Momma! I rush downstairs to the living space where medium-sized black piano was placed with my mom sitting there playing. I sit in a chair next to her along with my dog Roxy. We both enjoyed whenever momma would play and sing beautiful melodies. I always pressed pause on my life to listen to her beautiful music. “On my own….” she begins to sing one of her favorite songs from one of her favorite musicals “Les Miserables.” This was one of my favorites too.  She sang it so many times that she perfected it by now. The way her fingers moved on the keys made it seem like my mother was a wizard of some sort. I closed my eyes and imagined floating up and relaxing. Pure relaxation. That’s what it was. As the song went on it brought tears to my eyes just knowing how much my mom really loved to sing and how beautiful she was. I told myself that one day I’d do something that I love and show my kids what happiness is.
     
Afterwards I made one egg over-medium along with a piece of toast and made one for my mom too. She walked me to my bus stop and I waited to embark into another day in 2nd grade. Every day was an adventure for me at that age; I was a pirate or ninja or something of that nature during recess. The bus arrived and as I was sitting there next to my fellow pirate, I realized how much singing meant to my mom. She sang all her life and I wondered if she would travel to the places I did while she was singing. Places high in the sky or beautiful meadows or… I went on in my head thinking of the beautiful places on Earth which matched my moms music. I eagerly awaited going back home to another concert.
The next day was mothers day and I woke up bright and early with my siblings to fix up some breakfast with love to serve to my mom in bed. As we served her breakfast along with many hugs and kisses she began to cry. I never understood why she would cry at moments like these. Were the eggs not cooked right? She claims it’s because she loves us so much. I never cried for loving someone but I just went along with it. Today was her day. I remembered always begging God for a “Children’s Day,” like mothers day and fathers day, but when I told my mom she said “Children’s day is everyday.” That always made me mad.
 
It wasn’t until 5th grade I learned to appreciate my mom more and more. Divorce. That was the word brought up in conversation for the next 2 years. I could see that mom was more stressed than she had ever been. I had a hard time as well but had to fight through it to help my mom fight through it. She was stronger than I was, so we just helped each other along the way. She didn’t sing or play piano as frequently anymore, but when she did I would still sit and listen. She put ten times more effort and emotion into playing this time. I guess this was when her true colors came out. It was gorgeous to hear and I finally understood why you cry when you loved something. Sometimes I would hide in other rooms and listen because I was having a hard time and would often cry too. I routinely closed my eyes, forgot everything, and travel to another world with nothing but the sound of the piano playing in the background.
As I grow older it seems sometimes like I am growing apart from my mom, apart from myself and who I really am. Teenage years are a struggle for both of us and it must get worse before it gets better. I’m thinking back to my 2nd grade years trying to remember the relationship I had with my mom, then versus now. Trying to give her the tears of love again. She rarely plays anything anymore. I wish she did but I don’t wanna tell her. Just listening makes me set aside all my troubles for a brief moment. I will love my mom and her music forever. I’m always a momma’s boy at heart and I know I’ll never forget the music she played. It forever plays in my heart.
Happy mother’s day, love you❤
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