Tag Archives: relationships

Living

15 Sep

2012-06-26 04.18.22

Well, the first of my cancer checks is in and it’s clean! This past week I had an ultrasound/biopsy looked at for a ‘funny looking’ lymph node under my arm and it was clean! One step closer to a clean bill of health for another 6 months! Next up, blood work and possible ultrasound for my neck…the original sight of my cancer…sigh, one day at a time. This was also a big week for my kids. My oldest got his first job!! I am so proud and happy for him. He worked hard to become a Red Cross certified lifeguard over the summer and just got a lifeguarding job locally. Considering it was his first actual job interview, he was nervous and was asking what kind of questions they may ask, but he did it! I have a working child! After practicing all summer long for a sport she never played, Audrey made the volleyball team. Again, another proud moment. She is my strong-willed and determined child and once she sets her mind on something she goes for it. She knew she wanted to be on the team so she literally carried a volleyball around the house all summer and practiced non-stop. Well, last week, out of the 40+ that tried out, she made it on the team! Let’s see, what was Alex’s big moment? He started as the quarterback for his flag football team, but was cut short because a player grabbed his thumb instead of the ball and…well, he tore his ligament. Fortunately, it was his left hand and not his throwing hand, so after a week of ‘healing’, he was playing again yesterday, splint on one hand but throwing a touchdown pass with the other. They’re all so different and special.

Life continues to move forward no matter how much I want it to stand still at times. Recently a friend asked when exactly a cancer patient feels somewhat free of cancer, that moment when you start forgetting. I thought about it, and I think it’s never. It’s been almost three years for me (not without some scares in between of course), and it’s still on my mind. It may not be as prevalent as it used to be, but every time I get a sore throat, a cough, a weird ache or pain, I wonder. Every check up, ultrasound, PET scan, bloodwork, I still hold my breath; and then there’s the scar I see everytime I look in the mirror. It’s not bad, I just see all those things as reminders of not only what I’ve been through, but also helps me focus on how I want my life to be. Life is fleeting…Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say…, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.~Pope Paul VI We are not invincible, we are all dying. Because of that situation happening personally, I am struggling to find joy and peace. I know they’re there but sometimes relationships or circumstances continue to grate at you and steal it away. Looking at my picture of the Eiffel Tower above, I know that looking up from the bottom is overwhelming, but getting to the top is always achievable. Again, life is short, so I will continue to grab at the small bits of joy, peace, and hope for a better tomorrow, however brief those moments may be until I can breathe again. I continue looking up. Thank you all for your support and for continuing to follow my lipstick journey!lips

Today I wear Rimmel Kate Lasting Finish Lipstick in #111, Kiss Of Life. These lipsticks are matte but not too drying so I don’t mind them with a little bit of lip balm (on this I would use Philosophy, Kiss Me), or gloss. This color is RED and I mean classic, bright, blue red (at least on me). Remember what I said last week about my lips not entering the room before me? Well, when I wear this, I think my lips would be in the room the day before I got there. Sometimes a gal just needs a good red and you gotta love the name, Kiss of Life! Cheers!

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Change

31 Jul

fall clouds

Boy, I’m really slacking on writing this blog, sorry. Tomorrow is August 1 and the summer is breezing by like a tornado. Since coming back from our long vacation, life has been a bit challenging, still healthy thank goodness, but lots going on. One of the current changes is, I once again have a new job! I know, it seems like my job turns over more times than Taylor Swift’s boyfriends, but my industry is shrinking and in constant flux so I am just hanging on until the end. My last company was starting to feel the pinch and since I’ve heard the down-size and lay off language before, I knew to start looking. Fortunately at the same time a manager from one of my previous companies contacted me with an opening and it was actually for a job back in the space I love. God’s timing is awesome. Anyhow, back in transition and testing and stress, but worth it.

Change can be scary but often times it is necessary. Next year for the first time, all my kids will be in different schools; one in high school, one in middle school, and one still in elementary…wow, that should be fun. As they get older all I can do is pray that they make good decisions, follow their dreams, and not lose their voice in the crowd. I look back and can honestly say, because I was kinda geeky and quiet, a total introvert and a people pleaser on top of that, sometimes I lost my voice (figuratively). I tried so hard to fit in that I agreed with things and did things hoping it would make me more liked or more popular. My opinion or feelings about something didn’t matter as long as others thought I was right there with them. It is so easy to lose your voice when you are counting on others to like you. Guess what? There will always be people that don’t like you, don’t agree with you, and don’t really care, however hard you try. This is a message I try to tell my kids during this great time of peer pressure. But it doesn’t stop after high school, or college does it? We do it as adults too eventually losing ourselves to try to please others. Cancer has taught me that life is short and losing my voice (literally) has made me want to step out of my shell and use it more! It’s easy to get caught up in getting validation from other people, but your voice is already beautiful. Don’t lose it along the way.

Today I wear Chanel Glossimer lipgloss in Giggle. These glosses are so easy to wear, and this one’s a pinky brown color; I own a few different ones. They all add just a hint of color.They are not thick and don’t feel sticky. I chose Giggle because I love to laugh, something that I need more of right now. It’ll come…Cheers!

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What if…

12 Jun

sunrise

This week’s topic for my blogging group GBE2 (which, sad to say, I have been very delinquent in posting topics for this group, sorry) is ‘What if…’ First of all, I hate the what ifs because life keeps moving forward, and asking the question forces you to look backwards and maybe question some of the decisions you’ve made along the way. Every day, there are what ifs and whichever path we take or decision we make has a consequence that we just have to deal with, good or bad. Again, I hate looking backwards.

For today I’m going to think about an uncontrollable ‘what if’; a decision made for me. What if I never had cancer? It’s a big one because I have a hard time remembering who I was and what type of person I was before cancer. I don’t think I was much different personality wise, I think maybe how I see things has changed and therefore my heart and soul are little different. Ok, ok, too deep. Anyhow, there are some ‘solid’ things that have happened like if I hadn’t had cancer I wouldn’t have written a book, I wouldn’t have started a blog, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet all the amazing people along the way and done all the cool things that I’ve done because of the cancer. So here’s the heart and soul stuff….I think I would be a little more selfish, maybe a little less grateful, maybe a lot more rushed through the day, not stopping to stand in the rain or close my eyes and stick my face in the sun. I am a little different, maybe alot different, like I said, I can hardly remember my old self. I love more, my heart breaks easier, I listen more intently, and I try not to take people or days for granted. On the other side I’m alot less tolerant of jerks, mean people, angry people, ‘life-zapping’ people…waste of time and energy. So was cancer a blessing? In some ways. Would I have chosen to get it….NO WAY. What if I never had cancer? Who knows, but I accept who I am today because of it and I keep moving forward. Enough of the what ifs! Everyday a new beginning!

But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at  strain, to dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall, and baffled, get up and begin  again. -Robert Browning

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Suspense which again is this purply hot pink shade cool for summer. These lipsticks are cross between a lipstick and a gloss, are moisturizing and you can hardly feel them on your lips. They have great colors but go on more sheer than what you see in the tube. I love them! I chose Suspense for both the color and the name. Life is fun and living with excitement and suspense at how the day goes and who you might meet sounds like a blast, doesn’t it? Cheers!

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Friends

18 Apr

sunrise

Last weekend I spent some time with two friends I hadn’t seen for almost 17 years. We met when they were both young moms and I was just a newlywed. For about 5 years these girls and I met at least once a week sometimes 3-4 times, we shared struggles, vulnerabilities, lots of laughter and life. I was the first to move away (which was extremely difficult at the time), Dawn and her family was next to move, while Leanna stayed in the same area with her family. Thanks to Facebook and email, we have been able to keep in touch here and there and I have been able to watch their families expand and grow in every Christmas card I received. This year we finally took the extra step to coordinate our busy schedules to get together for a weekend in Chicago and I am so glad we did. We looked a little bit older, but our friendship seemed to start exactly where it left off. I still felt the closeness we shared years ago and we were able to talk as mothers and wives sharing laughter and tears. It was so refreshing to be able to let go and be authentic with good friends who share the same faith and whom I trust wholeheartedly. Friends like that are few and far between and I feel blessed.photo

Isn’t that what we lack these days? Life can get so busy and those kind of deep relationships take time. When you throw in the complexities and insecurities of women, it makes it even more difficult. Here’s the disconnect, those are the kinds of relationships people crave, right? I know I do. How do we get there? Time, yes, but also trust. I have met many people these days who require one to earn their trust, what if that never happens because there’s no time? I choose to trust first. It may be the wrong approach and it may leave me heartbroken but I can’t live any other way. How can relationships get deeper if no one wants to hold out their hand and be vulnerable? That’s my challenge to you and to myself also, take a chance on people, we need each other.

Today I wear MAC Sheen Supreme lipstick in Insanely It. These are probably the most moisturizing of the MAC lipsticks; somewhere between a lipstick and a gloss. They have lots of color and yet because of the consistency, it can be worn sheer. When I first saw this color which looks like a bright hot pink I thought there was no way it would look good on me. Surprisingly, I love it and I know it will be a favorite through spring and summer! So yes, the name is accurate, this hot watermelon pink is Insanely It!  Cheers!

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My Heavy Heart

2 Feb

survivor

What a week! This past week I was out of town for an important meeting with my new company. It was both exciting, because of some new things we are doing, and stressful, because we were also being tested on new information. All in all, it was fun because the company is small and I was able to spend time with some great people from across the country. This week I also found out that one of my former colleagues was tragically killed in a car accident leaving a wife and four young children. I was not close to him but remember having a few conversations at corporate functions. Just the thought of him leaving for work in the morning and not coming home puts a knot in my stomach and it is once again the reminder of the brevity of life.

Anyhow, this week I got the news I was waiting for. On Tuesday while I was sitting in one of the general sessions of my meeting I received a call from my doctor, the results of my blood-work were in. So here is what I was thinking leading up to this, it’s been over two years, a few scares along the way, but if this blood-work was clean I was going to be able to finally start breathing a little easier about the cancer coming back. It would be the longest time between cancer ever coming back and in my head I would’ve been ‘semi’ home free. Unfortunately the news was not what I wanted to hear. My number was outside or above normal which indicates cancer somewhere in my body. Not exactly the news I was expecting. There are many questions and unfortunately no answers. My doctor said that since the test is so new and the patients that need it are so rare, he is not aware of any possible variables in the number. So what’s next?  PET scan and ultrasound to determine if, what, and where. Another obstacle to getting more answers, since changing jobs, I have new insurance and right now my new insurance may not cover those tests until May because of a pre-existing clause. So, all of this during a very important company meeting…it was too much. Fortunately, because I am an actor, I kept my game on and did extremely well at the meeting and the testing despite the fact that since receiving the news on Tuesday I slept very little and was trying to keep tears at bay, talk about extreme emotions.

For today my heart feels a little heavier and my head is swimming but I am still trusting in God’s plan. Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glacé in Brownberry. I love these glosses because they are not too sheer, moisturizing, and feel great on the lips; they also have a vanilla smell. I chose this color because it gives me a perfect natural color for everyday. It’s got a hint of berry but is still natural. For now my journey continues, not yet fully confident but still with that hint of hope. To be continued…..

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Music

26 Jan

singing

The topic this week for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘music’. Where should I start? I don’t know what my life would be like without music. You know when you’re watching a movie and if something scary or emotional is taking place there’s music in the background? My world is a little like that. For many of the events in my life, there is a song that matches. Music has always been a part of me thanks mostly to my parents. They love music and even from my earliest memories, I have always been surrounded with it; from musicals, to classical concerts in the park, or even my dad singing around the house or conducting a fake orchestra. My mom says I sang all the way to Detroit on the flight from the Philippines when I was 2, Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells. At age 8, I saw the musical Annie and memorized the songs with dreams of being Annie (Asian Annie? no way). At 9 or 10 I saw Grease and learned ,Hopelessly Devoted to You, Asian Sandy? Not a chance. Dance lessons and piano lessons started at the age of 7 and at ag14 I sang and played the piano for the first time in public at a talent show and won first place, Looking Through the Eyes of Love. It all came together, Guys and Dolls, Brigadoon, Anything Goes, West Side Story; musicals in high school and college brought my singing and dancing together. Sometimes when I see people I care about or if I’m going through emotional times I hear music, different songs pop in my head. Waking up from my first surgery,It Is Well, surviving my second surgery, Good To Be Me, surviving cancer the third time, How Could I Ask For More. wss

Yes, music has shaped me and has allowed me to express myself in different ways. The way music affects me is difficult to describe, sometimes it’s the melody, sometimes, the words, and sometimes the voice itself. Victor Hugo said it best,“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”. What about you? What does the soundtrack of your life sound like? I know my story is not done, my musical is still being written and I’m still hearing the music; it’s pretty cool.

Today I wear lipstick from a local Michigan cosmetic company called Whip Hand Cosmetics. I am wearing their Lip Creme in Shock which is a beautiful deep pinky plum color. I love this lip creme because it feels lighter than lipstick and is super moisturizing. It’s hard to describe because it feels like a non-sticky gloss but the color lasts like a stain…simply awesome. I also have to talk about their most popular product Set the Stage Makeup Primer. I have literally tried at least 10 primers from Laura Mercier, to Smashbox, to even Revlon. Since I’m in my 40’s I’m just looking for something that can smooth my face without feeling thick. Theirs has been the best so far! It feels smooth, blurs the lines and does not feel like another layer of something on your face under your makeup. Again, hard to describe. Enjoy the music that is your life!

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People

21 Jan

morning magic

Wow, has it been almost two weeks since my last post? It’s not for lack of ideas on what to write. In fact, I read a quote somewhere which said that quiet people have the noisiest minds; or something like that. For some who know me, you may think I am not quiet by nature…untrue, I am an introvert who over the years of being in sales have become a trained extrovert. Over the past couple weeks I have been able to meet with a few friends for coffee or just brief one on one time. It’s a time I cherish developing and deepening relationships. Each one has a different background, life, goals, etc, it’s so interesting hearing their stories and their feelings about different things and it gives great perspectives on how past and current events change you and make you who you are today. I met with a close friend going through a divorce and I can’t help but hurt for her and her kids. It’s a struggle for her to balance what’s best for her, what’s best for her kids while trying to guess what their future looks like. There are many facets to her story and it’s just awful. The beautiful part is that she hasn’t lost her faith and is now relying on it, along with her friends to get her family through. I met with another beautiful friend and jewelry designer Michele Saulson for ‘girl time’ and a private shopping experience in her home. It was great getting to know her better, talking about our families, and listening to her goals for her company; and of course shopping her awesome stuff! saulson designsSo many people, so many stories. Here’s what I know, everyone is going through and experiencing life differently and you can’t judge them based on how they look, what you think you know, or even on just one or two interactions. A big story that has come out recently has to do with Notre Dame football player Manti Te’0 and his ‘virtual’ fake or real girlfriend. I don’t know the whole story and whether he’s lying or telling the truth. I do know that it’s a sad statement to think that he considered this person that he met on-line his girlfriend?! Have we come to the point where we don’t need face to face, physical contact with other human beings? I hope not. I know I need it and I’m pretty sure our society craves it. Once again, love God, love others. Look people in the eye, smile, hug.

As of today I still have no results from my blood work but it’s still one day at a time. I read a quote (sorry for all the quotes today) that said, “To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.” – Oswald Cambers. Breathless expectation, I love that. I still seek the magic everyday and most of the time it finds me through people.

Today I wear Mary Kay NouriShine Plus Lip Gloss in Beach Bronze. I got a sample of this believe it or not in my son’s Halloween bag after trick or treating in the neighborhood. It was in a bag with a candy bar and it had a tag on it with a business card which said, ‘something for mom’; clever idea I must say. Anyhow, it’s a great bronzy color with a bit of shimmer. It has a great non-sticky consistency and is surprisingly long lasting. I chose the color because it can be worn as both a wintery bronze on me (because I’m tan) but also in the summer for that sun-kissed look. I mainly chose it for the name. It’s been really cold the past few days in Michigan and the name ‘Beach Bronze’ just captured me! Cheers!

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The Same?

5 Jan

snow

The first week of 2013 has come and gone. It’s funny, we were at a friends house New Years Eve and we were all excited about a new year ahead, thinking about the possibilities, things we would change, places we want to see, goals, etc. Well, January 2nd dawned and it was back to work for me, and back to school for my kids. So after all the anticipation and excitement for the new year, life is still the same…or is it? One of the things I consciously wanted to change or do every single day was to find the magic,or the blessing, whether it be with another person, the weather, a flower, whatever, because in the rush of our daily lives I believe that we miss a lot. Yes it’s fun to look forward to the next vacation or there’s of course the thought process of ,’when ____happens, then it’ll be great or my life will be better.’ But what about right now? What are you missing? This year my eyes are wide open and it’s much more exciting to start the day anticipating something magical or even the purposeful thought of being on a ‘quest’ for blessings or magic.

Here’s the magic from this first week of 2013:

January 1, sleep. That’s right, it was a blessing to be in pajamas most of the day, not having to do one thing…truly magical

January 2, met with a friend and had a great time talking about all kinds of stuff. Investing in relationships are a must!

January 3, talking with one of my kids about the dangers of social media..the magic? They listened and we had a good heart to heart

January 4, watching my son play a high school basketball game against a large rival school in a packed gym. Felt blessed, proud, and sadly,…old

Today, ran into my husbands office to take care of some things for him and another lady was waiting in the hall for her boss(a dentist) to show up so she could start work. We exchanged ‘hellos’ and I told her to have a great day. She said, ‘Everyday I get to work is a great day.’ That statement actually stopped me in my tracks so I turned and asked, ‘Really?’ She replied, “Absolutely. I feel so blessed and thankful to have a job when so many are without. It’s true, every time I get called in to work I’m ecstatic and it’s a great day.” Wow, what great perspective.

These are just little things but life isn’t filled with grandiose moments, it’s filled with minutia…small moments of impact that if we don’t look for them, many times we miss them. Don’t miss those moments of magic because life is beautiful.

Today I wear MAC lipstick in Captive which is a pinky plum. There are a ton of great MAC colors and formulations of lipsticks. I admit I don’t love them all, but I do love their satins and sheers. I chose Captive because it is an easy everyday color for me to wear and also for the name. Be captive in the moment, don’t rush through life. Happy New Year!

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Open Up

12 Dec

smile

This past weekend we celebrated Christmas in Indiana with my father in law and my husbands’ two brothers and their families. His youngest brother is engaged to be married next month and I finally had a chance to meet the newest member to join our family. She is great and I’m so excited to have her in the family. This week I am in Chicago for another meeting with my new company and there are even more people to meet as well as others from before that I am able to get to know more. Isn’t that great? I believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Prior to cancer I was more shy and I guess ‘distant’,  keeping people at arms length…you know, the facade stage, nothing deeper. Now, everything has changed and I want to dive in and know people’s stories. In light of that, some of you have read my book and have been reading my blog for a long time and you know mostly about my cancer journey. Today, in an effort to ‘let you in’ and know me better (besides the fact you already know I love lipstick) I thought I’d list some things you didnt know about me:

1. Besides lipstick,  I also love chocolate and all things carbs (bread, crackers, cookies, etc)
2. My first kiss was Shawn Cassidy, the album cover, which I kept under my pillow
3. My first crush was in second grade to a boy named Russell. For Valentines Day he gave me a pretend makeup kit ….was this the start of my lipstick love?
4. I am a total introvert and generally shy, which is why I love acting
5. I don’t enjoy cooking and if I didn’t have kids I believe my husband and I could survive on cereal and toast
6. I have a degree in science which I struggled with after I changed my major from Music
7. Chopin is my favorite classical composer. His music is very emotional
8. Every day from 1st grade through 12th grade I brought a peanut butter sandwich to school (Jiffy peanut butter on Wonder bread)
9. I hate spiders…no, all bugs really
10. I’m allergic to cats, therefore I am a dog person
11. I ran away from home once when I was a teenager but only for a few hours at the mall (sorry mom and dad)
12. My first job was at Burger King. I was 14 1/2 and have not really stopped working since
13. I didn’t enjoy reading books until after college. Cliff notes were my best friend
14. I hate talking on the phone; texting was made for me
15. I’ve kept a journal since I was 9

That’s it for now, just some basics. Do we have anything in common? I’d love to get to know all of you too. Tell me your stories!

Today I am keeping it simple and wearing Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm in Rose. I love it. It’s moisturizing and smooth, all natural, and inexpensive. Rose gives me just a pop of color. I of course have Red Dahlia too which I love. Keep opening yourselves to new people, it softens your heart. Cheers!

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Changes and Thankfulness

18 Nov

When I started my sales career after college over 21 years ago I was assigned a university hospital as one of my accounts. I remember being fresh out of college and placed in a city (and state for that matter) that I was unfamiliar with to begin ‘adulthood’. There were many changes like a phone bill, an electric bill, rent. etc; and I remember that first week driving through this college campus to get to the hospital to do my job. I cried. It was a huge transition and as I looked out at the college kids walking around with their backpacks (and some in pajamas), while I was in my suit, I couldn’t remember why I was ever ‘stressed’ in college, and I asked myself,’am I now doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do when I grow up?’ I wanted to go back. Fast forward to this week. I was assigned another university hospital with my new job and as I drove around the campus, I was filled with gratitude, it was like deja vu’ from when I first started. I smiled thinking about those old feelings in college, will I get a job? where will I end up? am I doing the right thing? why did I change my major? Even now some of those questions linger but I do know that life goes on and we follow a path based on our own mistakes and decisions and ultimately where God leads us.

Also this week, an old friend was asking about a television show I was on in the 80’s. It spurred conversation between a few of my other friends on Facebook and brought back fond memories of my past. Since I have to drive quite a bit for my new job, I brought a few CD’s I had of musicals, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, Rent…and as I tried to sing along with the soundtracks, for the first time in a long time I was a little heartbroken. I miss my singing voice. I have always loved music and was fortunate to do a lot of singing over the years and now, after cancer took away a vocal cord, it’s not so easy and I was feeling a little nostalgic and sad. I have to say though, it was because of my singing and my inability to reach some of the notes that I found my cancer (massaging my neck after singing somewhere because my throat was so sore).

So this week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am thankful for my singing because in a strange twist of fate, it’s what saved me. I am thankful for a career that allows me to talk to and meet all kinds of people. I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on, past, present, and even future. I am thankful for my family and friends; for all those who support me through this blog and my Facebook fanpage. Most of all, like all survivors, I am thankful for life. Blessings to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I wear Mac Sheen Supreme Lipstick in Can’t Resist. I LOVE these ultra moisturizing full color lipsticks! They feel almost like lipbalm, but a tiny bit thicker and are a full color lipstick! Can’t Resist is a plummy-red that is a great color for fall. I chose it because not only do I love the color, but I also love the name. When I think about my life and all that’s transpired I can’t resist smiling. Feeling blessed.

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