Tag Archives: relationships

Stained Glass

12 Nov

 

I read this great quote today (thank you to I Had Cancer), ‘People are like stained glass windows-they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in their beauty is revealed if there is a light from within.’

Last week I was at a meeting getting to know my new co-workers from across the country. Since the company is quite small, it was easy to meet and get to know the other 40 sales reps in the room. Reading the quote above reminded me of the week. We were all ‘stained glass windows’; we all had our ‘good’ clothes on, were on our best behavior, and for the most part, always had a smile on our faces. It was great meeting new people and learning a little about their backgrounds. As I was getting ready to leave my hotel room and meet everyone I realized how far I had come since walking into my first meeting 21 years ago. I was a shy introvert who struggled with a bit of social anxiety. On a personality test at a management meeting, the evaluator said I was a natural introvert, but forced extrovert (maybe that’s why I love acting?). In the past, I was perfectly comfortable with small talk and keeping people (especially those I work with) at a safe distance, but this time was different. I believe God has you where you need to be and I don’t believe you meet people by accident; I believe it now more than ever post cancer. So here I was, an open book, pressing in. It doesn’t take much these days to open someone up, people want to share, they want to be hugged, they want someone who can look them in their eyes, we just don’t do it enough anymore…fear of hurt? Anyhow, the stories I heard from different people, wow. Families hurt by divorce, a mom with cancer, a mother-in-law in her last days, others starting over and afraid of the unfamiliar. It was overwhelming, heartbreaking, and encouraging. On the last day I was speaking to one of my new co-workers (and new friend), and he asked how I found out so much about people. It was simple, I asked then I listened. It’s the same thing I want, someone to ask and listen, truly someone who cares. So what about you? Where has God placed you? Who are in your sphere of influence? We can’t all be Mother Theresa or Billy Graham, but we do have people right in front of us that want to know that they matter. I know because I’m one of them. Reach out, you may be the only one.

Today I wear an old standby Dior Addict Lip Glow. I LOVE this stuff. This is the only product that hits the bottom of the tube and I re-purchase. It is an incredible lip balm that brings out the natural pink ‘glow’ of your lips. I chose it for today because of the quote “…but when darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed if there is a light from within.” Cheers!

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Another Birthday

25 Oct

Another birthday, another year older…wiser? Who knows. Every birthday since cancer and the bad news from the original surgery has been a BIG deal to me. When you are told by your physician that your prognosis doesn’t look good and quite possibly have less than a year, every moment counts. Since then, even though the cancer has come back a few times, my prognosis has been great and now here I am almost five years after my first surgery, time passes so quickly. When I walked the survivor lap at Relay for Life last year, the sign that pushed me over the edge and made me cry said, ‘I Love Birthdays.’ It’s true, today was pretty emotional. Today, like every birthday, I thought about everything that had transpired over the year and I also thought about how I have changed since cancer. Cancer has taken away a vocal cord which makes it more difficult to breathe and sing and talk sometimes, but I still can. Cancer has taken away a little bit of confidence in my body and health, but I can still run. Cancer has taken away a little bit of magic from my kids’ lives; the magic that helps them think their mom is invincible (at least while they’re young); remember they were only 5,7, and 10 when this all started. This week I was able to spend some time with a college friend and as I sat with her I realized we had been friends for over 20 years and it was awesome. I miss that. I miss the time I had when I was recovering after each surgery, the times when I couldn’t speak and just listened to people and cultivated relationships. We all wish we had more time right? I actually miss some of my caregivers who were some of my biggest support considering I was seeing them almost every week for 4 years.

What did I get from cancer? A new writing voice and the passion to hear people’s stories and understand where they come from. A stirring deep in my soul that wants to change the world. I value time and peace and every relationship that I have, past, present, and even future. I have released control over to God and now walk around with a heart so open that at times it feels broken. Most of all, I have less fear and more faith. I am overwhelmed and so grateful.

Today a friend asked, “What lipstick does one wear on their birthday?” Today I chose Loreal Color Riche lipstick in Divine Wine which you can get at any drugstore. In my humble opinion, Loreal is one of the better drug store brands in terms of color choices and consistency (I think it’s actually owned by Lancome). I chose this color because it’s an easy berry shade on me with a little bit of a brown undertone and of course the name. Celebrating with a nice glass of wine. Cheers!

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Bathroom Magic

24 Oct

This week’s topic in my blogging group is “in my bathroom”.  I believe the bathroom is a magical place (I know, save the snarky comments). I mean it. It is a place of transformation and sometimes resolution. It is the place where my day starts and where my day ends. When I open my eyes in the morning, walk into my bathroom and look in the mirror, I think about what the day holds, who I may see, who I may speak to; and then I start the process of freshening up to face a new day with a new attitude. You may find this strange but we have two lights in our small bathroom; one bright light, and one dim light over the shower. I prefer to only have the dim light on in the morning because, as I tell my husband, ‘it is my spa moment.’ It sounds creepy but I like to start the day really peaceful and relaxed and showering to a dim light helps. At the end of the day my bathroom is the place where I wash the day off and think about the events which took place. This I do with the bright light. I like to see my make up come off and how my teeth look after they’ve been brushed and flossed. Being a mom, the bathroom is also a place that has seen my many emotions. I have danced, screamed, and cried in there. Second to my closet, it is my place of solitude where I can grab a few moments to organize my thoughts, read, or just be brain dead before tackling what may be outside my door. I don’t know, I guess my bathroom is a place of change and cleansing; changing into the person the world sees then cleansing myself free of the ‘dirt’ I may have attracted during the day. Who knew talking about a bathroom could get so deep? My husband built the bench pictured above out of the leftover tile we had when we re-did the bathroom. It’s small and sturdy and allows me to gather my thoughts or even read in the bathroom sitting on something other than, well, you know.

For today’s lipstick I chose Aquaphor. I know I’ve mentioned this product before but I love it! I actually swipe this on my lips before I go to bed so that they are lipstick ready the next morning! Rise and Shine!

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Relax

19 Oct

This week was the first official week of my new job and I decided I really don’t like not knowing what I’m doing. I traveled to both Pittsburgh, PA and Columbus, OH to meet with both my trainer and my mentor. I know how to do the actual job because it’s what I’ve done for 20 years, but to learn all of the processes of a new company like computer, expense report, etc…wow, it’s a lot. What I find interesting is that as I get older after being downsized from lay offs or company buy outs, is that the grass is not always greener. After all my experiences though (including cancer), I know better what I’m looking for and what I can tolerate. So far, I really like the decision I’ve made, it’s just funny hearing what people complain about thinking it would be better somewhere else, typically it’s not, it’s just different. I believe there are no accidents and that God opens and shuts doors, sometimes leaving us to wonder…what? why? Oh well, always good to mix things up.

After all the travel and stress of learning the tools of the new job, I decided to get a massage today. I don’t usually get massages because I am crazy ticklish, but I knew I needed it. I carry my tension in my neck and shoulders and because of all the surgeries and radiation to my neck, I have a lot of scar tissue. The scar tissue affects some of the nerves in my neck so when I’m tense, it’s harder for me to breathe and I start losing feeling in my left arm. By Thursday morning, my left arm was numb and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath so I used some of my early birthday present money from my parents and decided to get a massage. It. was. fantastic. One of the things I loved about it (besides of course the relaxation), is that it forced me to sit still for an hour and relax. It gave me time to focus and think about today, it almost made me cry (I’m such a wuss). My birthday is coming up and as I thought about it laying there, I realized I haven’t had cancer since May of 2010, two and a half years. Yes there have been scares and I’m still on ‘watch’, but surgeries and radiation in 2008, 2009, and 2010…now, here I am, so thankful for my health, my family, friends, my life. So many lessons learned…it’s overwhelming. If not a massage, take a few minutes and think about your life. Sit still, think about the good, the bad, and the ugly but maybe start with ugly and finish with good. If you can’t remember, get yourself a journal or notebook and read through at the end of the month, then thank God for your blessings and for still being around to read what you wrote.

Today I go beyond lipstick and totally recommend Sephora Favorites Super Stars Beauty Essentials Kit. I just got mine yesterday and it is AWESOME! Sephora puts kits together based on their best sellers and they are usually in categories like fragrance, mascara, lips, etc. I don’t typically buy kits because most of the time I know I’ll only be using one or two products and the rest will go to waste. This one is different…every single thing in this particular kit is awesome, not to mention five of the nine items included are their normal FULL SIZE! I LOVE THIS KIT and the colors they chose for lips, eyes, and cheeks are universal and will look great on just about every skin tone! Have fun!!

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Change

7 Oct

This week my oldest son had to have hand surgery. His hand was in an awkward position grabbing the ball at his basketball game and it wasn’t until a couple days later when the swelling came down that we found out there was an actual spiral fracture in his hand. As I sat in the hospital room watching the staff put an IV in his arm and hook him up to the machines to monitor his heart rate and blood pressure prior to the surgery, I decided that I like it much better on the other side. As a parent it is VERY difficult watching your child go through something bad, even if it’s just a small fracture in his hand. A few months ago my youngest had a seizure and had to go through an MRI to rule out a possible brain tumor. Yes, I would rather it have been me. Despite the fact that I have been in the hospital more than I would have liked over the past few years because of cancer, I would gladly take the place of any of my children. Thankfully there was no brain tumor and although my older son is sad he could not finish out this fall basketball season with his team, he will be able to play again. I am constantly reminded how quickly things can change. One minute we’re packing for vacation, the next, my youngest is getting an MRI for a possible brain tumor. One minute my son is having the best game so far this season, the next, his hand is broken and is now out for the rest of the season.

As we approach fall in Michigan the air has dramatically cooled down and the leaves are changing colors. It’s a beautiful season here and probably my most favorite. The evening sky has taken on some beautiful hues of orange and red and the ‘cold’ sky is beautiful as well, sometimes it overwhelms me, God is so good. One thing’s for sure, change is inevitable. The leaves will fall, the plants will die and in the spring, they will bloom again. Life is like that, right? Always changing…a new job, a new baby, illness, etc. We can never get too comfortable but why would we want to? Shouldn’t life be an adventure with both good and bad to shape us? Change allows us to experience and grow in all our emotions but most of all change gives us a chance to test our courage and grow

“And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.” -Libba Bray

Today I wear Nars Larger Than Life lip gloss in Viva which is a rose color. Nars is traditionally awesome for lipsticks and lipgloss and this is a newer formulation. These glosses have lots of color and lots of shine. Viva is an easy neutral that I think anyone can wear.These glosses are a little sticky but beautiful. I chose this one for the name..Viva…LIVE!!

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Why Worry?

1 Oct

A few days ago I was talking to a customer whom I haven’t spoken to since June. His son was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago right before my second recurrence and surgery for cancer. Last June he told me his son was doing much better and they thought he was finally in remission. When I asked him the other day how he was doing, he told me his son passed away in July, the cancer took a turn and went into his bones. In one month’s time his four year old was gone. As he told me the story of how he and his wife were comforted by the fact that he was no longer in pain and they were able to hold him in their arms until he finally passed, I sat speechless and breathless with tears in my eyes. When he was finished we were both quiet for awhile and he looked at me and asked, ‘You don’t worry too much about anything anymore do you, not much can stress you out, right?’ Hmmm, I do worry about my kids, but there’s not much anymore that can freak me out. If I’m not running exactly on schedule or if I can only check one thing off my ‘to-do’ list so be it. Every day we have obstacles and opportunities thrown at us and we have to deal with it as it comes. Can it get exhausting? Of course, but then again, even some of the best laid plans fail. I more than ever believe that sometimes God has a plan and sometimes it’s not the same as ours, sometimes you just have to trust it’s the right plan and you move forward. That simple word ‘trust’ is so freeing. The fall sky has been so amazing, it is a reminder that there is someOne much bigger than myself. Here are a couple pictures:

Today I ran a race with my daughter and a close friend going through a difficult time. The three of us ran for different reasons; my daughter ran because well, I think she wanted to prove to her brothers and herself that she is athletic. My friend ran because I promised her we would take it slow and that she would feel great but also because I forced her to  do something for herself. Today I ran because running helps me feel like I have a little control of my body and although it’s super hard to breathe, it stills makes me feel free…hard to explain. Today we ran as Team Lipstick Journey and swiped on red lipstick at the finish line. In the future I would love for the team to grow and possibly start raising funds for cancer charities. Who wants to join the team? One condition, the red lipstick goes on.

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural lipstick in N47, brick red. These lipsticks are moisturizing and semi-sheer and this is the one we swiped on after the race! Cheers!

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“B”

15 Sep

Every time you meet someone you never know how you may impact their life or adjust their story; or even more importantly how they may change you.  When I was doing my radiation treatments I befriended a fellow patient who I’ll call ‘B’.  When you’re getting radiation treatments you go at about the same time every day because they want the level of radiation to remain consistent throughout the day. Of course then, you see the same people in the small radiation waiting room every day; some were only there for a few treatments or a few weeks, but ‘B’ and I were there every day for the whole seven weeks at the same time and our stories kind of run parallel. We both had an aggressive thyroid cancer that spread, we both had a parlyzed vocal cord, and we both had several surgeries. Thanks to Facebook, we found each other and now are able to support each other in our post cancer paths through e-mail. Recently I heard from both him and his wife because he suffered a small setback. Like myself, it has been increasingly more difficult to breathe and swallow, but for him, it was becoming impossible. He went back to the hospital and like me was told it was scar tissue that has built up since radiation. He suffered some complications and is still trying to recover with a new trach in his neck to help him breathe. My heart is so heavy because I feel his same fear and heartache. He talks about all the things he still wants to do with his family and I completely understand. Even though I only saw him for a half an hour every day for seven weeks, I care for him and he and his story have deeply affected me.

I know we are in a world of social media that has sucked us all in, and sometimes it can be viewed as bad because we have lost that personal face to face communication and touch, but in some ways it has been a blessing. I have been able to stay in touch with this friend who shared in the struggle of radiation and cancer. I have forged some deep friendships with people who I have never met; people who like me find it easier to express their thoughts and feelings through writing (and music). People like those in my bloggging group who leave their heart in their writing, I love them (you guys know who you are). For my special friend I met on Twitter…you are AWESOME! To my Thyca sisters Sarah, Bridget, Megan and others who I only know through Facebook and blogging…it’s awesome to know we all had the same fight and it was never easy! Yes, these virtual friendships are incredible and I’m thankful. Nothing is better than the personal face to face, but all friendships, if you put yourself out there, are wonderful. Each person has placed their imprint on my heart and it’s overwhelming. Each person you meet, even  briefly, can adjust your story, change your path, change your way of thinking…think about the power you have to do the same for them. Use your words wisely, love openly and the love and friendship you get back will amaze you. Thanks for being here and being a part of my story.

Today’s lipstick is Clinique Chubby Stick in Pudgy Peony which is a sheer fuscia pink. I like these glosses because they feel like lip balm and this color is just fun. They are ultra sheer but shouldn’t friendship be like that? Transparent? Cheers!

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Impulse

12 Sep

Coming home from work today I saw one of those giant flocks of small birds flying in different formations over a field. You know the ones I’m talking about? I think they are sparrows, but literally there are hundreds flying and weaving, landing, turning, it’s quite the sight to see. Against the backdrop of the clear blue sky, it was beautiful. While watching (and driving), I noticed that as they flew in formation, it seemed that one bird would fly on impulse another way; then one, two, a hundred would follow. It occured several times within seconds.

School started last week for my kids and there has been quite a bit of discussion on popularity in my house..with a pre-teen and a teenager, well of course. “Why is so and so popular?”, “what makes people popular?”…oh yeah, I forgot about all of that pressure. I was never the popular one but I was always nice to everyone which made me ‘well known’ in many different groups of my large school. Today when I watched the birds I was able to talk about that to my kids in terms of popularity. I told them that the birds all flew in a cluster but there was always a leader, in a matter of seconds though, another bird would impulsively go a different direction then the cluster would follow. Do you want to be part of the pack following the popular kid (or lead bird) or the one that breaks off and does your own thing, maybe some come along beside you, maybe not, or maybe new people show up? It’s much more fun to do your own thing and not just be a follower, plus, (as evidenced by the birds) the leader lost his status within seconds. Popularity is fleeting and comes and goes like the wind. I told them to stand firm in who they are, follow their passions, and love people. Everyone has a story and a reason, take time to listen and invest in people. It’s hard to be a parent, I’m sure we’ll have this discussion again, maybe I’ll see something else that I can use as an analogy.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Apple Inc.

Speaking of impulsiveness, I have purchased three lipsticks in two days ,one’s going back and another is a refill on my fall favorite. My color for today and the fall favorite I’m talking about is Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in Merlot. This happens to be the perfect deep red shade for me. Also the consistency is VERY moisturizing which I love. This is a lipstick I buy every year for fall and winter and is perfect if you have tan skin. Incidentally a perfect bright red for more of a porcelain to medium skin tone is Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Red Square. It’s an awesome color but unfortunately for me it makes me look like a crazy woman…too bright, sigh, I’ll still wear it.

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It Is What It Is

5 Sep

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I hate that phrase by the way, ‘it is what it is’. My arm hairs bristle every time someone says it. I think because I view it as a cop out, or an excuse, like things can’t change or be changed. I guess sometimes that’s true.

I had my doctor appointment last Friday to finally discuss the ultrasound and MRI findings from a few weeks ago. If you recall, he was on vacation immediately after my ultrasound so I haven’t spoken to him about the results and possible next steps. Well…here’s how it went….Doc: I think you’re good for now, see you in a few months. Me: What about the growth the radiologist saw? Doc: Well, you can do a PET scan but it will say the same thing, abnormal tissue, it’s up to you. Me: What do you think I should do? Doc: Check if it’s grown in 3-6 months…if it has,it’s probably cancer, if not, it’s probably just scar tissue. Besides, no surgeon is going to want to go back in there right now. Me: It’s been 2 and a half years since surgery and radiation, when does scar tissue stop growing. Doc: Now. Just live life as normal and I’ll see you in a few months.

That’s it. Life goes on. Isn’t that true though about anything? Illness, you get fired or laid off from a job, your child leaves for college, you miss an appointment….life ALWAYS moves forward. How do we handle that? There’s only two choices, positively or negatively. I have to choose positive, even if I’m kicking and screaming, because I trust God has a plan. It may not be the same plan I’m thinking, but His wheels are in motion and I’m there for the ride.

Today I wear Bite Beauty Honey Lip Lacquer in Aurora which is of course, red. These are interesting, I saw them on display at Sephora last weekend and had to try. They are all natural and long lasting, actually made from 100% honey. These are high shine glosses and for me, a little sticky but beautiful nonetheless. I chose red because, well, it’s a bold color always reminding me to live out loud with no fear. By the way, I’m done being angry…it gets tiring after awhile (remember my last blog called ‘Tired?’). So here I am, living the dream (another phrase I hate). Cheers!

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Growing up

26 Aug

There once was a girl whose favorite outfit was a pink and white checked bikini, who loved to sing and dance, who sang Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells on a 20 hour flight from the Philippines to the United States just when she was 3 years old. She was shy but her parents brought her to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and to the theater. They gave her dance lessons and piano lessons and instilled in her a love for music and theater which became her passion and helped her come out of her shell. She wondered what she would look like at 16, at 18, at 20; if boys would like her and think she was pretty. She dreamed of being on the stage, New York City, of even being a princess; and although life has changed and she has gotten older, she still dreams…almost even more than she did as a child. This little girl is me and being in my 40’s now means that if I’m lucky, I still have more than half my life to live, but also means almost half of it is over. I want to keep dreaming and discovering, is that wrong? I have shared some of the things I want to do with some people and they look at me like I’m a little crazy…so what? I refuse to settle. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Attributed to Carl Bard

This week my oldest son turned 15 which means in three years he will be a legal adult. He finished driver’s ed on his birthday and got his driver’s permit last Friday. Time has flown and I can’t help feeling sad but excited about his future and his great adventure. He is my child that has always had that ‘old’ spirit. He is very practicle and safe. What are his hopes and dreams for the future? We’ve talked about a few. I wonder what he thinks when he looks in the mirror at himself (which is often, usually flexing his muscles, which I call skin over bones). I pray he has some big dreams and when he tells people about them they also look at him like he’s slightly crazy. I pray he faces life head on and accepts stumbling blocks as challenges. I pray he is kind, that he loves God and others, and that he is fearless. Most of all, I just continue to pray for him and my other children as well, because I know we as parents can’t always be there. Life is funny and fast and crazy.

Today I wear Too Faced La Creme lipstick in Spice Spice Baby which is a pinky brown. I love these lipsticks because they are SUPER moisturizing. This color is an easy color to wear but on me, it does not have enough pink so I add a gloss. I love the name…make life spicy! Also, just to keep you updated…I have not yet done the blood test to check for tumor markers, my doctor has been on vacation but is back this week!  I’ll keep you posted!!

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