Tag Archives: thyroid cancer survivor

Let It GO

30 Mar

2012
There’s a super popular song out there from a movie that surprisingly is being played on every radio station, from soft rock/pop to R&B, maybe you’ve heard of it, Let It Go from the animated film Frozen. All of my kids (even the 16 year old boy) know all of the words, we bought the movie and I believe we’ve all watched it at least 5 times (we’ve owned it for two days). Even I now, know all the words to all the songs. So what makes this particular tune so popular? Is it the catchy tune or the lyrics? For me, the more I listen to the actual lyrics, the more brilliant I think they are because we can all relate.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well, now they know…
This is me, people pleaser, smile on my face, conceal, don’t let them know. It’s that facade I always talk about. It’s so much easier to smile and say everything’s fine than to put yourself out there. There’s also that element of fear that maybe the real you is not good enough, or interesting enough. The last line, ‘well now they know’, that’s me now. Post cancer the facade is tiring and frankly if you don’t like the real me there are plenty of other people in this world to hang with. Personally, I fall in love (I’m not talking romantic love) with people who show me who they really are, who show me a piece of their soul and brokenness, because we all have some brokenness in us.
Let it go, let it go, Can’t hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go, Turn away and slam the door. I don’t care, What they’re going to say. Let the storm rage on,The cold never bothered me anyway.
Yes, the storm of life rages on constantly. People talk, people judge, I’m letting it go, turning away from fear and slamming the door. This past week I had a bout of paralyzing fear about a situation I’m currently in. With prayer and a few deep breaths I had to let it go because God is in control. Fear gives power to the thing or person that you are fearful of and I refuse to give any more power to that. It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small, And the fears that once controlled me, Can’t get to me at all…Amen!
It’s time to see what I can do,To test the limits and break through. Let it go, let it go, And I’ll rise like the break of dawn. Let it go, let it go, That perfect girl is gone
How empowering to not have to be or try to be that perfect girl. It is time to see what I can do and test those limits. For me at exactly this time, I am letting go of who I tried to be or was told to be for other people and rediscovering my dreams and who I am, old and new. Letting go is really realizing that certain things are part of the past but not part of your destination. I’m thankful for every single moment because those moments, people, events are what shaped me and who I am today; strong, courageous, and hopeful. The song is brilliant.

Today I’m wearing Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter in Wild Watermelon. You all should know by now I’m obsessed with these because they are so moisturizing and have great color. My fall/winter go to shade is Red Velvet but I now have this color. I LOVE IT! It’s perfect for spring/summer because it is that bright poppy orange/red but doesn’t make your lips scream ‘I’M HERE!!’ You can find these at any drugstore too and they are fairly inexpensive. Let it go! Until next time, CHEERS!

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Friends

22 Mar

AW3.22
So here’s a weird fact about me, I’m the girl who always used to say I didn’t have any close girlfriends. That’s right. When I was young not only was I a shy introvert, but I was also not very much of a girly-girl. I didn’t really play with dolls except to cut their hair and draw on their faces. I didn’t have any Barbies. No, I liked to play in the parking lot, jumping the parking blocks, I had a baseball glove and liked to play anncatch with my dad, I liked to play in the mud and build forts with the boys then throw rocks at each other. I think it was because there was no drama involved, just play, and for an introvert, that was easy. My best friend in high school was a boy (who, much to my my ex-husband’s dismay, was part of my wedding party). Some of my closest friends in college and work have been boys. I think the struggle with me and women has always been the time involved along with the drama. I’ve never really been one to want to talk on the phone very much and if you have a teenage daughter like me, you also know that we females can be mean to each other. Add to that growing up an introvert along with some insecurities, making female friends was alot harder than making male friends. photo

franFast forward to becoming a mom, having cancer, going through a divorce. None of those things are/were easy and had I not had the love and support of awesome female friends (along with my faith), I may not have been as strong. People comment all the time about my courage and strength, but truly like the Bible story of Moses, Aaron, and Hur, when I could no longer hold my arms up, I have/had friends on either side holding my arms up for me. We are all stronger if we can rely on each other. jenAnother thing about female friends, they really listen and have a depth of understanding and empathy (usually). I am happy to say I have many close girlfriends who are true blessings in my life, thank you chicas!’Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.’~C. S. Lewis

stacieToday I wear Sephora+Pantone Universe Radiant Rush Matte lipstick. This is a limited edition lipstick with Pantone’s color of the year, orchid (pinkish/purple). Now, it is matte but it is surprisingly not too dry. It’s a gorgeous color that looks pretty great on everyone and is perfect for spring! I chose it because we are all a little more radiant when surrounded by good friends! Cheers!

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The Stories…

13 Mar

nola
Last weekend I had the opportunity to tell my story to a group of young physicians at a national meeting in New Orleans. It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken about my story from beginning to end so as always it was cathartic. I think it may have been the first time I didn’t cry while telling talk14it too. I was with a few other survivors/fighters who shared their stories as well and it was amazing to me how no two stories were alike, or for that matter, similar. Everyone’s cancer, diagnosis, age, treatment, results, etc. were so different, but the emotions were all the same. We were all scared, we all needed support, and we all relied on our doctors and other experts for answers. There is an instantaneous bond between people who have fought the big ‘C’, hard to explain. There is also strength and confidence that I can see in the eyes of those who have fought and won; I’d like to think I have that (remember my bad ass self from my last blog?). Anyway, it was a fantastic opportunity and I met some really amazing people.meandfran

You know how I always say ‘everyone has a story?’ I actually met someone who said the exact same thing to me. Not only was the talk amazing but truly the weekend was a great reminder of how we meet people all the time and behind the eyes there’s an amazing story. I took a friend of mine to New Orleans with me and our first encounter was the guy at security at the airport; I stopped and spoke to him briefly (no, there was no line so it was ok); he was 60+ years old, about to retire, lost his savings, needed a job, so now drives 1.5 hours to work at this airport. He was a gem. Then the kid who sat next to me on the first leg of the trip. We caught each other playing Candy Crush and laughed about it. He was off to Texas to visit his best friend stationed there. He himself decided to go to college but was on ROTC scholarship and he hadn’t seen his friend in over a year. He said he had the chance to do Spring Break in Florida with his other friends but decided this relationship was more important. I wanted to hug him. On the second leg I was in between the grandma/college librarian from Iowa who married her high school sweetheart who was an All State and college wrestler and the artist and dreamer from Arizona who taught me that dreaming big should be the norm and if you think you can do something, what’s stopping you. Thank you Arizona for the reminder! I can’t tell you enough how great it is to hear people’s stories and learn from them, you always leave richer, I know I do. Every time we share a bit of ourselves we have a chance to leave an impact or imprint, will yours be positive or negative?

‘There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.’~ Maya Angelou

Today I wear Marc Jacobs Lust for Lacquer Lip Vinyl Sheer in Lust for Life. I think I wrote about these before but these glosses are not sticky at all and give just the right amount of color for a gloss…not too sheer. I chose this particular color because it’s like a sheer pop of raspberry (can you tell I need spring to be here ASAP), I also love the name, who doesn’t have a lust for life? Cheers!

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Thankful

2 Mar

clouds
It’s been a long week. There have been times during and since having cancer that I get completely overwhelmed with gratitude; an absolute moment when my heart feels like it’s exploding. Well, that happened a couple of times to me this week; once sitting in a parking lot getting ready to go into an office, and the other, while driving to go see a friend. I was flooded with emotion just thinking about my life, the people in it, and just exactly where it is today. In general, it was a week full of chaos (as usual) but I absolutely felt blessed in those brief moments. Almost two weeks ago a friend of mine’s dad had a heart attack. I was able to visit him and his dad in the hospital and I admit, it was tough. Seeing the interaction between the two, a son taking care of his father, it was humbling. Later he said to me, ‘my dad was my Superman, so seeing him like this is hard,’ broke my heart. It’s the circle of life right? My strong friend taking care of his Superman. Another friend of mine was in the emergency room last week not exactly knowing what was wrong. She had absolute fear in her eyes when she told me all about it the next day when I saw her. Fortunately in both instances, things seem to be getting better.

The first time I had cancer the doctor walked in my room when I was by myself and told me I was going to die, and it was 4 years ago this month that I had my third (and last, hopefully) surgery for cancer. There have been several moments in between where I have gotten completely overwhelmed with life and just living. My life has been in constant transition, especially lately, and not always smooth, but I am so thankful. There have been people, friends, that have really stepped up, and new people who I have met for exactly this time. I said this in my last blog but it’s awesome how different people weave themselves in and out of your story. Some meetings are brief but they all leave an impact and memory, and many times those people weave back in. Life is fleeting but beautiful if you can just stop and open your eyes…To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.~ Oscar Wilde

To everything – turn, turn, turn. There is a season – turn, turn, turn. And a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap; A time to kill, a time to heal; A time to laugh, a time to weep~Turn Turn Turn~The Byrds

Today I wear NYX Cosmetics Butter Gloss in Sugar Cookie. These glosses are AWESOME and inexpensive!. They are not sticky at all, slightly pigmented, and super moisturizing. I chose this color for two reasons. First, it’s a great pop of color that won’t scare people away (looks natural), and second, because of the name, my daughter made some amazing cookies this week! Cheers!

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This Girl Is On Fire

21 Feb

Dancing on the streets of Paris with a breakdance crew

Dancing on the streets of Paris with a breakdance crew


I have a friend that I see every now and then. She is the person who always has a book to recommend or an author or a new song; not a fiction book, some type of inspirational or self-help book, but never cheesy. She always has great advice, not too pushy, and the way she comes across, with her added expressions, never ceases to crack me up! She’s actually hysterical and no matter what mood I’m in, I leave laughing. Anyhow, I saw her recently and of course she opens with ‘I just read this great book’ (uh huh, I’m already smiling) ‘It was written by this incredibly strong woman’…’All right’, I say as I take out a piece of paper to write name and author, like always…’Maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s called ‘My Lipstick Journey Through Cancer’ by Anna Warner’. Me…blank stare back. Then she stares at me square in the eyes and says ‘that’s right, she’s in there, bring her back.’ Believe it or not, that small gesture touched me deep in my soul and I started to feel that fire again (cue the theme from Rocky). Who am I? I’m a girl who auditioned for a show 3 times before finally getting on, I fought cancer 3 times also, I pushed through a science degree when all I wanted to do was sing and dance, and when people said I couldn’t, I did all I could to prove them wrong. Heck yeah, I’m a fighter.

There have also been a lot of opportunities recently that have popped up. I was asked by an artist and vocal coach from Atlanta if she could use my story as part of her Vocal Workshop, of course, thank you Heather! A national cancer organization has also asked me to speak and share my story at a national meeting for young physicians. On top of that, coming soon is an event near and dear to my heart, the annual Voice Day celebration that my physician puts together, and I am still fortunate to be able to sing and be a part of that special day. This week I also met up with a couple old co-workers and it was really great. I am so incredibly grateful for all of my experiences, good and bad, but mostly for all the people who God has weaved in and out of my life and journey at exactly the right time. I love you all. ‘She got both feet on the ground, And she’s burning it down. She got her head in the clouds,And she’s not backing down. This girl is on fire…~ Girl on Fire,Alicia Keys

Today I wear an old favorite, Buxom Full On Lip Polish in Brandi. These lipglosses are not sticky at all and make your lips tingle a little. I love the color Brandi because it adds kind of a deep berry shade to my lips while still being a little sheer. Check out the box it comes in…yeah, this girl is on fire…watch out! Cheers!

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Rumors and Lies

9 Feb

cold
There have been several emotions swirling in my mind over the past few weeks (obviously); joy, sadness, anger, and fear because of various reasons. When I was young, I was shy, painfully shy. My parents are extremely social and we would either be at a party or hosting one. At those parties I was either attached to my parents’ hip or after doing the obligatory hello’s (and playing the piano…I am Filipino), I would try to escape to my room to read, write, or listen to music. I wasn’t sad or lonely, just a shy introvert who would be overwhelmed by crowds and having to socialize. My shyness carried on for pretty much all of my youth until college where I sort of blossomed. In Jr. and Sr. high I became involved in sports, choir, plays, student government. Then I was on a TV show and won a couple beauty pageants my mom encouraged me to join to increase my confidence and break out of my shyness. Despite those things, I was still shy, opening up to few, but kind to all. What happens when you have a few accomplishments and are mostly quiet? People talk about you, rumors, and even lies sometimes. Why? 1. To feel better about themselves, 2. To convince people that they are better than the person they are talking about, or 3. Whatever lies they are pushing, it’s because they are actually the one that’s guilty of said lie(s). Sometimes they repeat it so much, they actually start believing it…scary.

What does this all have to do with me today? Well, I just went through a divorce and am keeping quiet about the details. I have had really incredible support through both the cancer and the divorce from people who have done life with me, worked with me, family, and even people I have had very little interaction with. Why? My parents taught me well…love God, love others; practice patience, kindness, gratefulness. Although I can still get shy sometimes, I try with my actions to be and do these things; not always succeeding but consciously always trying to be a positive force. Today there are lies being told and believed by even a few of those who were close to me. Hurtful? Absolutely, but although my heart hurts at times, I can hold my head high knowing the truth and also feeling confident that the truth eventually comes out. Actions speak louder than words and sometimes your actions show people who you are. “There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.”~ José N. Harrisanna2.9.14

Today I wear Nars lipstick in Heatwave. Nars is famous for great lipsticks. This formula is semi-matte so it’s a little drying for me but still great. I chose this color for the simple reason that I WANT SUMMER BACK!! Cheers!

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Magic

4 Feb

survivor
Today is World Cancer Day, a day that the World Health Organization (WHO), and everyone else uses to recognize, unite, and fight against the disease that will kill an estimated 84 million people from 2005-2015. It’s also about survivors. Most of the time I don’t dwell on the fact that I had cancer but today, seeing all the cancer posts and all the purple profiles for the American Cancer Society and Chevy, I get a little nostalgic.I don’t even know if nostalgic is the right word, but I guess my heart feels a little heavy today; both sad and grateful. It’s strange, there are the constant reminders, my scar, my difficulty breathing sometimes, the numbness/weakness in my left arm from all the surgeries and radiation on the left side of my neck, these things are daily but are fully integrated into my life, it’s just how it is. What changed the most for me is what happened inside my heart and mind. There are people who have told me, ‘thyroid cancer?’ ‘the easy cancer?’. Really makes me sick, cancer is cancer, cells trying to kill you, nothing easy about that. Who would even imagine someone having to defend their cancer? No one asks for it, no one wants it, and everyone walks away different. My particular journey was tough, but isn’t every person’s?

It’s hard to describe what has changed on the inside because sometimes it’s overwhelming. I know that I tolerate less crap, I crave peace and kindness, but most of all I look at people, circumstances, and plain daily living a whole lot differently. I take my time now to notice. Most of the time we’re so busy trying to do something or get somewhere, we don’t notice who or what is even in our surroundings; is someone hurting, laughing, talking to you even…I know I’m not making sense but life is not so serious. If we look for the magic, we see it. I have had many people come into my life over the past few years at exactly the time I needed them, it’s been awesome. Understanding their stories, who they are, spoken from their eyes…magic. Cancer has made me more sad, more angry, more willing, but most of all more grateful for the simplest of things. See? I can’t even articulate! I recently watched a movie where Meryl Streep’s character has cancer and she jumps out of a car and starts running…really random, going nowhere. She was crazed and upset and yes, sometimes it’s like that; but sometimes we(me) run to nowhere just because we can. The simple act of running with arms open, face in the wind, breathing in life…magic. I used this quote before but I love it so much I’m going to use it again as a reminder. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” ~Steve Jobs

Today I wear Strawberry Lip Smacker. Cheap, yummy, the stuff I had in high school, a simpler time. Cheers!

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Real

1 Feb


I’m at a loss for words, no, really. Last week I dropped the ‘divorce’ bombshell and the amount of support from everyone was unbelievable; all of the wonderful messages both public and private were overwhelming. It was my most read blog of all time, almost 1000 people. Crazy. What does that tell me? Either a) people crave authenticity and truth or b) people love good gossip. I’m hoping for ‘a’ because that’s what I crave. We all walk around with amazing facades don’t we? We portray what we think people want to see; put together, nice, happy, perfect…how exhausting. I prefer the raw and uncut version because that’s where I am. It’s easier, but sometimes a risk. We all live imperfect lives and are flawed, thank goodness, perfection is impossible. If we all came to terms with that then maybe we would be more real with each other and not so judgmental. Ask me what I think now and I’ll tell you, no more pretense. For the people in the ‘b’ category, not my style. I’m fairly private despite a book and blog. I write observations on life not dirt about me or anyone else, sorry. Those close to me know some of the details but not all, like I said, I keep things close. I’m more about actions than words anyhow, you get back what you put out into the world and nothing someone says can outweigh what they do.

It’s been an interesting week of mixed emotions but I am still looking forward with great hope for the future. I have heard the ‘strong’ word thrown around a lot and frankly, I’m not feeling it; just living and doing the best I can. This week I got to help a friend going through her own difficult life circumstance. That’s one of life’s privileges, going through struggles, getting stronger, and helping others. Life is beautiful.

‘Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength’~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

Today I wear Lancome Rouge In Love lipstick in Fierry Attitude. These lipsticks are feather light and last a long time. They are a tiny bit drying for me but not as bad as some of the other long lasting lipsticks. I chose this color because it’s a deep berry which I love, I also love the name…living life with passion and a fiery attitude! Cheers!

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Picture Perfect

26 Jan


Over the holidays I received lots of family pictures, you know, the new trend of sending the picture postcard? Everyone’s happy, smiling, perfect. I heard the other day that relationships, like these pictures, always look good and pretty on the outside, but sometimes the picture is not always what it seems. What’s easier for people to see? Obviously the pretty, but people’s lives are never truly picture perfect are they? They’re messy and complicated sometimes. Over the past several months to a year, I have been referring to a personal issue in my life that I have been navigating through outside of cancer. I read this quote ‘I know of nothing more valuable when it comes to the all important virtue of authenticity then simply being who you are.’~Charles Swindoll. Last week I wrote about a shift that had occurred in my life, a death and a birth; last week I became a divorced woman and a single mother. I’m sure many of you are surprised and I will not go into details, but it was not something done lightly. If you have been reading my blog for some time, you know me fairly well by now. I am a survivor. I was asked by a couple people this past week who my safety net was, who I was ‘gunning’ for, and my response was quick, no one, there is nobody else. I am finally aiming for me; my safety net is God. Like I said in my blog a few weeks ago, no one knows what happens behind closed doors and I will leave it at that. Now, I move forward with even more strength, courage, and hope for a beautiful future. I hope you stay with me in my complicated journey called life. One more quote,‘We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be’~ Mary Sarton.

So here I am, trying to be authentic and unapologetically me.

No lipstick today, just me 🙂

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Behind the Door

8 Jan

photo(3)
This has been an interesting week. It started with being buried in the snow and being trapped in my own house. Then, a friend called and told me that she is going through some tough times. I offered my home and listening ear to her so she has been staying here while sorting things through. Sitting and listening to her situation while also considering mine, there is one thing I know for sure…no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Going through all that I have gone through including the cancer, I was surprised, yet, not really. So much happens in people’s lives and unless you are walking in their shoes, you really don’t know. My neighbor who read my book awhile back told me that she didn’t realize all I had gone through with the cancer and said, ‘I had no idea, there’s so much that goes on behind closed doors,’ She’s right. So what should we do? What can we do? We can be present to those who are in our lives. We can listen and be supportive. We can only give advice based on our personal experiences and journeys, but we can’t expect them to feel the same way or to listen to our advice because again, they are walking their own path. Lastly, we can’t judge, it’s not our place, and the last time I checked, the seat at God’s right hand was already taken. I heard this song by Coldplay this morning and thought about my friend. Here is a link to a sweet ukelele cover of Coldplay’s Fix You. As much as I want to help her ‘fix’ her situation, it’s not my place. I will simply open my home, my heart, and listen. I do want to say thank you to all my awesome friends and family who have been there for me throughout my path with homes, hearts, and listening ears. I am forever grateful. I took all these pictures of doors in Europe because not only were they beautiful, but I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the truth behind the doors and within the walls. We’re all so different…it’s pretty cool to sit back and listen.2012-06-25 20.34.44
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Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick in Prayer. I really like these lipsticks because they are packed with color and are moisturizing at the same time. Prayer is kind of a mauvey-brown which is a great every day color for me and pretty much everyone else. I chose this color this time because I believe in the power of prayer and that is one thing we can definitely do for hurting people! Cheers!

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