Tag Archives: thyroid cancer

‘lifeafterdiagnosis’-2990

7 Mar

cancer poster

2990

I am part of an online cancer support forum which connects cancer fighters/survivors across the country called ihadcancer.com. This month they wanted to hear from us about our life after being diagnosed starting with the number of days since first being told we had cancer. It has been 2990 days since I first heard ‘you have cancer’ and 2265 days since the second time I heard ‘your cancer is back’. May 10 will be my 6 year anniversary of cancer free and wow has life changed and looking back I know I have changed. I think what has changed most for me has been my day to day attitude and the things I seek. Here are some of the changes I’ve experienced:

  • I’m grateful for every moment
  • I try not to stress about things and even if I do it usually subsides quickly
  • I’m less tolerant of bad behavior and meaningless complaints
  • I mainly seek peace and anything that brings me there
  • I try to avoid negativity including negative people
  • I notice beauty more
  • Sometimes I want to shake people when they’re so caught up by irrelevant things
  • I care less about stuff and more about time
  • I realize that there are many things not in my control so I let go more easily

So many more but hard to describe. One of the big ones is acknowledgement of time. Until you are faced with the knowledge that your time is limited you pretty much feel like it’s unlimited. I float in between hope for a long and beautiful life along with a ‘we may only FullSizeRenderhave today’ attitude. Life, I mean real life, happens in the ‘in between’. In between jobs, kid stuff, activities, vacations, etc. we spend a whole lot of time in anticipation of the next game, the next season, the next vacation, and we work and focus on those things but what about all the routine we chalk up to ‘a normal day’? That’s the real grit of life. All of the mundane, the annoying things, the actions and reactions, the relationships…all of the stuff that transpires in the monotonous in between spaces of daily living, that is life. If you rush through to just get to the ‘next’, you’ll miss it. Don’t miss living.

Today’s lipstick is Bite Beauty Amuse Bouche Lipstick in Cayenne, a bright red. These are lightweight, have lots of color and are moisturizing; just about perfect. I chose this color because it’s red and the name Cayenne…almost 3000 days later, feeling spicy! Cheers!

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10,000

17 Feb

 

tapestry

‘Life is a tapestry of relationships, every thread is crucial’ 

Yesterday was a strange day. It started off not so pleasant with anger arising (from me) because of a certain situation which then turned to sadness because of the realization that some things and people will never change. Then at work someone passed out and stopped breathing, ‘code blue’. I was at a hospital so you think it would be a ‘normal’ occurrence but generally it’s not in a waiting room. About an hour later it happened again, then about an hour after that an older woman standing in the tall lobby area (with great acoustics by the way) started singing at the top of her lungs which stopped people in their tracks and maybe even scared some. Really. She stopped walking, started singing, then after her song was done she kept walking, all this before noon.I hadn’t slept that well the night before so I felt like I was in partial dream state. Despite the crazy events of the morning the one thing that I couldn’t shake for most of the day was the anger/sadness I felt right at the beginning which stemmed from a long history of control and manipulation; I couldn’t shake the anger and maybe the frustration.

I read the other day that according to sociologists even the most introverted individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime. Think about that, that’s about the population of Traverse City, MI (~15,000) or Sedona, AZ (~10,000). A single person, even an introvert, will influence a small town in their lifetime. How does that happen? Words and actions; not just one or the other, both together. The start of my morning yesterday? Almost a lifetime of actions contradicting words with me cleaning up the shrapnel from actions that are far reaching. The actions of those surrounding the two ‘code blue’s’? Medically quick of course, but loved ones surrounding them, using words and prayers to comfort each other. The woman singing? ‘Jesus is a friend of mine’~”He taught me to live, my life as it should be. He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me. I’ve had friends before, and I can tell you that, He’s one who will never leave you flat.” I needed that, so maybe that was just for me.

There’s nothing more frustrating than someone whose words don’t match their actions. Don’t spew out bible verses if they are twisted in a way to fit your needs and judge others. Don’t talk about loving others then throw out hate language for certain groups of people or nationalities. Don’t talk about peace, patience, kindness, when what comes out of your mouth (which really stems from what’s in your heart), is hateful or hurtful because the consequences of that can leave long lasting scars.My day ended well.Grateful for the love I have found and the life I have now, and grateful for the constant reminder that we impact other people every single day. In Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers he says that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to perfect something. Hopefully it doesn’t take that 10,000th person in our lifetime to recieve our best. 10,000 people. What legacy will you leave behind?

Today no lipstick, it’s all about a lip balm. Last month I bought an all natural lip balm made mostly of emu oil, yes from an emu. Now, I don’t want to even think of how they get oil out of an emu, all I know is it’s the best lip balm I’ve used for my extremely dry winter emu1lips. I’m hoping I can find it locally since I bought it from a store about 4 hours away. It’s great, and lipstick never looks good on dry lips! Cheers!

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See ya! Wait, don’t leave!

12 Dec

meandaj

I think the most difficult time in raising children is the teen years.When they’re young they need you. They eat what you prepare, they do what you tell them (for the most part), they are like sponges constantly learning and they have that childhood joy. Slowly (or rather quickly), they get AJbabesolder, start to get more self-sufficient, start to become more influenced by friends and media, then of course, start to talk back. Why is it that the most difficult time for raising a child happens at the exact time they are about to leave home?

I have an 18 year old senior boy. I specify boy because I think there is a huge difference between raising boys and girls. Anyhow, I am trying to navigate through a multitude of feelings and every day brings something different. There are times I count the days until he leaves for college and AJgoofthere are others when I want to never let him go. He pretends to be fiercely independent but then will ask for something simple or say something which points to the fact that he is still young, a child. I think it’s more difficult with boys because somewhere around the age of 12/13 they start talking with one word answers while girls get more emotional but don’t really stop talking/yelling/whining and still communicating with you. I was told a long time ago that when boys leave home conversations become scarce until they find a wife or serious girlfriend who then becomes the central communicator between mom and son again.

AJ 3.5My son’s been receiving college acceptance letters. When he got his first acceptance letter I was so happy for him but my heart dropped because reality showed itself. He is a young adult. He can vote, check into a hotel, maybe rent a car, he’s had a job for a couple years now, etc. yet in this last year he is home I want to hug him more, have him around me more, and kind of spoil him because it has gone way too fast. My first baby who was born 5 weeks early with giant eyes and the longest eyelashes is going to be my first to go. How can I be joyful and heartbroken at the same time?

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.”
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.~K.Gibran

I know my children are a gift from God and they belong to Him who created them. I am grateful.

Today I wear Bite Beauty Mix and Mingle lipstick in Holly/Tannin. I got one of these for Christmas last year as a gift and they are great. LOTS of color! I chose this because it’s double ended, two different colors for my two different moods; Holly, bright red for joy and Tannin, a deeper red for sadness. I know, I know, millions of parents have been through this, it’ll all be fine. Give your kids extra hugs and make good memories! Cheers!!

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Thank You, Doctor

26 Nov

sun

This past week I had my last appointment with one of my doctors because he is retiring. Unexpectedly at the end of my normal check up, I burst into tears as he said good bye, hugged me and told me it was his privilege to have taken care of me during my cancer journey. It’s hard to describe how I felt saying good bye to this man because the feelings kind of took me by surprise. Dr. K has seen me from the very beginning of my cancer story 8 years ago and has treated me like I was his only patient. He called me on Christmas to tell me the results of my PET scan because he knew I wouldn’t want to wait, after a medical conference he called me to tell me there was a new test for rare cases like me and although it had not been approved yet by the FDA he was going to arrange I have it done, during a period when I had no insurance and cancer was suspected again he told me he would take care of the additional tests necessary, and every time my cancer came back he would personally call doctors, surgeons, specialists across the country and tell me who he’d spoken to and who he would recommend; he himself a cancer survivor, always offered me the encouragement I needed. I feel so fortunate and grateful to have had him as part of my medical team.

Did Dr. K treat all of his patients like that? Probably, and it probably added more work to his days to make those extra phone calls and do extra paperwork. How easy would it be for us to squeeze in kindness, love, respect, empathy, etc toward other people in our busy days and should it really take that much effort? Dr. K made me feel important, valued, like I mattered, and isn’t that what we want in general? In our homes, friendships, workplace? His extra 10 minutes spent on me created a place in my heart and memory that will last me the rest of my life. ‘Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.’~ Mother Teresa. How do people feel when they leave you? Encouraged? Happy? At Peace? Like they listened? What memory are we leaving? Sometimes we only get one chance, let’s remind people they matter.

This Thanksgiving I have so much to be grateful for; health, family, home, and love. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families! Today I wear Dior Addict Lipstick in Not Shy, a pink-brown, which is my new favorite daytime lipstick. I’ve always loved Dior lipsticks for moisture and shine and this new formulation adds a little more staying power. Cheers from my family to yours!

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Good and Bad

13 Oct

Sculpture called 'Changing Woman"

Sculpture called ‘Changing Woman”

There have been a few changes to my body post cancer that have just become part of my everyday. I’ve had 5 years now to get used to them but some days are a little more difficult. First, my breathing. With a paralyzed vocal cord the process of getting air in and out is a little tougher and therefore most cardiovascular activities for me are limited or ‘adjusted’, second, my voice is a bit quieter and gets tired more easily because of said vocal cord. Also, since my last surgery and radiation, I have had numbness and tingling in my left arm and hand. There are other things but these are the most bothersome. About 2 weeks ago my arm took a turn for the worse and I’m not sure if it’s a pinched nerve or what but it is just about completely numb, like dead weight. Throw that into the seasons changing in Michigan and allergy season which is my most difficult breathing time, well, makes for hefty reminders of that cancer past. In fact, it’s actually a little difficult to type so I am mostly using my right hand…I’ll be at the doctor soon.

Have you ever asked why God allows bad things to happen? It’s too big of a question so I try to not ask why and I don’t intend to try to begin figuring out an answer. What I do know is this, there is always a lesson or reason and sometimes you don’t know what it is until much later or maybe not even in this lifetime. Why did I get cancer when no one in my family has cancer? Why did it come back so many times? I’m not sure, but today I am a much stronger person then I was before; a warrior. A lot has transpired since that first diagnosis but I wouldn’t be where I am today had it not happened. I physically lost my voice but I have truly found it again. Cancer allowed me to see life with fresh eyes and consider life’s brevity; yes it’s fallharder to breathe but I have breathed in new life. There is a bible verse which says, ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.’ (James 1:2-3) It’s hard to consider it joy when you’re going through something but it helps to know that there may be a reason or a positive because of it. Here’s the other thing, with trials of faith like cancer or any illness, the person going through it is not the only one learning. Most of the time illness is not solitary; it affects family, friends, even co-workers and acquaintances therefore the lessons in faith and perseverance are multiplied 10-fold to those around you.

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.~W. Anderson 

Today I wear NYX Butter Gloss in Maple Blondie. I LOVE these glosses because they’re super moisturizing, have good color , and they are inexpensive as well (the lipsticks are pretty awesome too)! I chose this color because it’s great as a light brown/pink neutral and because the name reminded me of fall (Maple). It’s fall in Michigan and all the leaves are turning colors, cheers!

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Moms

2 Oct

kids

I’ve heard that writing is a muscle and if you don’t use it, it gets weak and goes away…well they’re right. My writing has been sporadic because my life has had lots of moving parts over the past few months and now my thoughts are all over the place. September flew by with school starting, sports starting, and what seemed like an early homecoming game/dance, it felt like there was just not enough time in the day and now it’s October already. Many of my thoughts this month have revolved around my kids; who their friends are, what choices are they making, what are their thoughts, struggles, etc. Now that they are all teens it’s just so difficult to know. Fortunately, my kids communicate alot to me, some things I would rather not hear sometimes, but I try to remain open, loving, and understanding. It is not easy.

Motherhood is by far the most difficult job ever, period. It takes a toll physically and emotionally and requires superhuman strength and nerves of steel. I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom and one thing is for sure, we should not criticize or compare. I think as women in general starting from our youth, we’re drawn to the comparison trap and it stinks. Prettier, taller, thinner, more talented, nicer clothes….it’s endless. What makes it more difficult as a mom is now we add our kids into that comparison. My child is smarter, more well behaved, more religious, more caring, more, more, more. STOP. All I know is I’m trying my best based on how I was raised, what I know, and my circumstances and experience, we all are aren’t we? Don’t judge what you don’t know, and even then, still don’t because unless you’re living in someone else’s shoes you have no idea. Kids have enough pressure from their peers, teachers, and themselves that we as moms (and dads) don’t need to add to that by expecting them to be perfect for bragging rights. We live in such a virtually connected world that it’s easy to believe that Facebook posts are real life all the time. Seriously, Facebook, Twitter, snapchat, instagram are all only capturing the good stuff or the stuff we choose to show. What about the struggles and ugly of the rest of the 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day? You for sure won’t see my hot mess on Facebook but hopefully we all know what real life is like. Enough of my soapbox.leaf

As for the kids here’s what I do know, what was portrayed in the movie The Breakfast Club has not changed much…there will always be the geeks, jocks, the princess, the outcasts, and the burnouts. We need to love our kids and support them in whatever ‘group’ they fall in because so quickly they’re grown and ready to fly on their own. How about we support each other too?

Today I wear Lancome Lip Lover lipgloss in Bordeaux Tempo. This is a new lipgloss formula and so far I love it. My lips tend to be drier as it gets cooler out and this promises 8 hours of moisture to your lips. Not really sure it does that but it’s pretty and my lips are not drying out. I chose this color because it’s a deeper berry color on me which is great for fall. Cheers!

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The Little Things

1 Sep

ajbabyA couple weeks ago I was watching my daughter play in a volleyball tournament. My mom was sitting in between me and another older woman. We were all in conversation together for awhile until I decided to watch my daughter more intently. On occasion I would hear the two grandmas talk about where they grew up, their kids, what they had in common, and of course talk about their granddaughters who were playing volleyball against each other at that moment. During their conversation about life I overheard the other woman say she had cancer a few years back and of course my mom chimed in with my cancer experience. After that, she said that shortly after cancer and recovery she had a massive stroke. She spoke about her wonderful husband and how he helped her learn how to walk, talk, eat, and function again; he was by her side through all the recovery of cancer and stroke but then suddenly passed away last January leaving her alone. Up to the day of this tournament she was questioning God, angry with the current situation of her life, and was wondering why she didn’t ‘go’ first. My mom, the social worker/listener, asked something very simple, ‘You’re here watching your granddaughter and that’s one good reason to be thankful you’re still here for, right?’ She nodded her head yes.

Sometimes you have to intently search for the little things that bring joy into your life even if at times they can be extremely hard to find, especially when you’re overwhelmed by not so joyous circumstances. My oldest son just turned 18 and for those raising teen boys…HELP! There are days when he is that sweet boy but there are other days when I think an alien has taken over his body and I am literally searching for anything salvageable. It’s like a light switch that turns on and off, Jekyll and Hyde, but right at the time I’m at the verge of wishing he would go away to college already, he turns and hugs me, or says thank you for something, or sits with me on the couch, or shares a story, or says he loves me and all of a sudden I’m having a hard time letting him grow up…it’s the little things. Amazingly enough, looking back at my life, many times it’s the smallest, most simple things that I remember as being some of the greatest and in the case of raising teens, it’s the small things I find myself clinging to most of the time. ‘Embrace the power of little things and you will build a tower of mighty things.’~I. Ayivor

Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Colour Sheer in Tender Lips which is a sheer brown rose. I love these sheer lipsticks especially when transitioning from summer to fall. It’s just enough color and since we’re all losing our tan (or in my case turning a lighter shade of brown), all the shades are neutral enough to keep us looking healthy during this transition. I chose this color because it’s a perfect neutral for my skin tone. Seek out those little moments that bring you joy! Cheers!

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Blue Skies

20 Jul

sky

Have you ever opened your eyes to a new day and the sky just seems bluer than you’ve seen it in a long time? That was me today and it’s only Monday! There have been many changes in my life this year and the changes just keep on coming. For the past several months I have allowed these changes both good and bad stress me out a little. Questions about job, home, kids, and really about the future have infiltrated my mind, top that off with the general busy pace of life and it’s really been a lot. I ran into a good friend over the weekend and she said, ‘Trust God and take one day at a time.’ Ahhhh, yes. During my cancer journey that’s all I could do and I most recently have let life (and control of circumstances) simply take over. I heard a great song this morning by Greg Holden called ‘Hold On Tight.’ Some of the lyrics are “But I don’t take my life for granted. I’m gonna hold on tight to what I’ve been handed.” “So when you look at yourself tell me who do you see? Is it the person you’ve been or the person you’re going to be?” Really great lyrics and exactly what I needed to hear today to go with my blue skies. I have been handed A LOT! Two weeks ago I got the news once again that my tests (bloodwork and ultrasound) came out clean so I am officially 5 years-plus cancer free! I have my health, my family, my friends, and have found an incredible man who loves me for exactly who I am. Looking back at all my ups and downs with health, career, and family over the past several years there have been many many blessings and most of those revolve around people. Life really does take a village. I read somewhere that beauty grows in the soil of adversity. The writer says that in adversity we either give in or dig in and life in general needs to be planted firmly for beautiful things to grow. Dig in. Today, thinking about the past few months/years and all the difficulties, I have been blessed with amazing people filtering in and out of every circumstance and turn that life has taken me; some are friends forever and some God had with me for just exactly that moment but seriously, each person has had an impact one way or the other. These are the fertilizer while I’m ‘digging in’ helping me to grow.

We carry so much stuff around and lots of times we think we’re the only one or that we can handle it ourselves but if you look around there are people willing to walk right along side of you and if need be, hold you up when you are too tired to keep going. There will always be circumstances in life that throw you off balance, but get excited about all the people that surround you. There will always be plenty of people who will criticize or try to bring you down either to your face or behind your back…who cares. Listen to kind words, cherish in your heart the kind actions of others and remember you can be that person too. So for today, the sky is blue and the air is warm. Hold on tight to what you’ve been handed, take the lessons and experiences from your past and be excited for the person you are continuing to become.

Today I wear Tarte Amazonian Butter Lipstick in Watermelon which is a red/pink/orange-y color perfect for summer. These lipsticks are all natural and I think the container is not only biodegradable but also  I think if you plant them wildflowers grow. Cheers!

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Evidence

7 Jun

sky

I’ve recently become addicted to podcasts, being in sales I have lots of ‘drive time.’ One of the podcast series I could not stop listening to is called ‘Serial.’ This particular podcast covers a true story of a teen convicted of murder in 1999. The investigative reporter digs deep into the case, unravels all the twists and turns, and speaks to numerous friends, families, teachers, etc. Each podcast left me wanting more and changed my mind from guilty to not guilty to guilty and so forth based on the evidence presented. At the end of the series I felt unsatisfied with the results. Anyhow, you should listen, it’s fascinating.

We are a society that loves evidence; it’s rare that people take a leap of faith to believe something. God is real…show me, healthcare reform is right…why, immunizations don’t cause autism…give me proof, homosexuals are born that way…prove it. All hot topics and my blog is not a debate blog so just examples of various topics and responses. We want evidence for everything…except when it comes to gossip. Why is that? I have teens so gossip is prevalent whether I like it or not in our household and I am constantly asking if they know for a fact or if they are hearing and repeating. Again, what is the evidence? We are so eager to believe something about someone most of the time without knowing all the facts. We hear something, we make judgements then worst of all, we sometimes share that information as if it were fact. Whether it’s our own insecurities or just a boring life, it’s wrong. So what can we do? Again, look for the evidence. Who are you talking about? Why? Do you even know this person, I mean really know them? So you hear something juicy or maybe hear something you never expected about that person; what is the character of this person? What is the history of their actions/what do their current actions show you? Again, actions speak volumes. Who is the one saying things? Are they reliable? Do they know the person they are talking about? What are they like and what is the history of their actions? See what I’m getting at? We love evidence for everything unless it’s gossip that tears people down. Be careful. Whether something is true or false, there’s always a story.

‘These are the few ways we can practice humility:To speak as little as possible of one’s self.To mind one’s own business.Not to want to manage other people’s affairs.To avoid curiosity.To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.To pass over the mistakes of others.To accept insults and injuries.To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.To be kind and gentle even under provocation.Never to stand on one’s dignity. To choose always the hardest.’~Mother Teresa

Today I wear MAC Lustre lipstick in Hug Me which is a brownie pink. Can’t really go wrong with a good MAC lipstick. This one is easy to wear because it’s moisturizing and just gives you a finished look for daytime. I chose it mainly for the name. I love hugs. Cheers!

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Mommy, Mom, Mama

9 May

kids1517  ACT, SAT, College visits. Growing up. Have I done enough? Do I love enough? I still love your hugs you know. Do you feel loved? Do you know I’m always here for you? ‘I love you mama.’ My heart bursts and breaks at the same time. You are on the verge of flying away. Do you know I can’t sleep until I know you’re home safe? You’ll always be my baby

16  The sweet age of your teen years. Working, driving, baby steps into adulthood. Did I say you could start dating? Did you know that I hold my breath when you drive?

15  You’re taller, you’re developing rapidly, you’re losing your baby face and looking more like a baby adult. Driver’s ed, talking about finding a job…please slow down

14-13  The weird ages. Junior High. Navigating through emotions. Changing friends, changing hormones, changing interests. Mom becomes two syllables..’Mo-om‘. You ask, ‘Am I good enough, pretty enough, popular enough?‘ Sorry, not everyone’s nice. I say, ‘You are beautiful, you are so special, you are loved.’ I pray you always believe.

12  Why are you taller than me? Voice changing, interests changing. You’re noticing the opposite sex, I’m trying to keep you my baby. Planning outfits, using deodorant, using hair gel, STOP GROWING UP ALREADY! Can I still tuck you in please?

11  ‘Mommy‘ starts turning into ‘Mom‘.’Don’t hug me in front of my friends.’ ‘I can walk to the bus stop myself.‘ I still want to hold your hand crossing the streetbus stop

10-5  I’m sorry babies, mommy has cancer. You are all in school now. 3 back packs, 3 lunches, all on the bus, the first good-bye’s. Learning, making new friends, growing independent;. Kindergarten, 3rd grade, 5th grade, I will fight as hard as I can because I don’t want to leave you. I am your mommy.

4-1  AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? Am I enough? First steps, first teeth. I’m so tired. I still watch you sleep. I would die for you.

Birth  I can’t stop staring. You are beautiful. You are a miracle. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Motherhood is the hardest job in the world. You love with all you’ve got and you feel the deepest hurts. It is an extraordinary lesson in grace; giving all of yourself without necessarily getting anything back. There may be long days but the years go by so fast and seem so short. ‘Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood – finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.’~Jodi Piccoult 

Happy Mother’s Day! Pick a red lipstick and go with it. You are awesome!relaymom

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