Tag Archives: thyroid

Dear Cancer

7 Feb

mad

Dear Cancer,

I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you. You keep wanting to get back together and for whatever reason, my body lets you. Well I’m done, I’m sick of all the game playing and I’m sick of you messing with my mind. I wish I could say that my relationship with you has made me stronger, braver, more courageous, but I just don’t know anymore. Now that you’re trying to get back together only bad feelings come up. You have made me more insecure about myself, you’ve made me sad, and I have shed too many tears because of you. You not only affect me, you have widespread effects on people I love and care about. They don’t even know what to say anymore; you leave a train of destruction and pain. It may surprise you but I love my life, and yes, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart constantly to the blessings around me. Are you trying to teach me something? Is there a lesson to learn? Well I got it, I’m good, so please stop showing up. Don’t underestimate me, I am not going down.

So here we are at another crossroads. Will you ever leave me alone? Hate is a strong word that I never use, but I’m beginning to hate you. You have broken my heart over and over, but I will not let you break my spirit.

Anna

PS I am ready to fight so I am wearing my Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent!

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My Heavy Heart

2 Feb

survivor

What a week! This past week I was out of town for an important meeting with my new company. It was both exciting, because of some new things we are doing, and stressful, because we were also being tested on new information. All in all, it was fun because the company is small and I was able to spend time with some great people from across the country. This week I also found out that one of my former colleagues was tragically killed in a car accident leaving a wife and four young children. I was not close to him but remember having a few conversations at corporate functions. Just the thought of him leaving for work in the morning and not coming home puts a knot in my stomach and it is once again the reminder of the brevity of life.

Anyhow, this week I got the news I was waiting for. On Tuesday while I was sitting in one of the general sessions of my meeting I received a call from my doctor, the results of my blood-work were in. So here is what I was thinking leading up to this, it’s been over two years, a few scares along the way, but if this blood-work was clean I was going to be able to finally start breathing a little easier about the cancer coming back. It would be the longest time between cancer ever coming back and in my head I would’ve been ‘semi’ home free. Unfortunately the news was not what I wanted to hear. My number was outside or above normal which indicates cancer somewhere in my body. Not exactly the news I was expecting. There are many questions and unfortunately no answers. My doctor said that since the test is so new and the patients that need it are so rare, he is not aware of any possible variables in the number. So what’s next?  PET scan and ultrasound to determine if, what, and where. Another obstacle to getting more answers, since changing jobs, I have new insurance and right now my new insurance may not cover those tests until May because of a pre-existing clause. So, all of this during a very important company meeting…it was too much. Fortunately, because I am an actor, I kept my game on and did extremely well at the meeting and the testing despite the fact that since receiving the news on Tuesday I slept very little and was trying to keep tears at bay, talk about extreme emotions.

For today my heart feels a little heavier and my head is swimming but I am still trusting in God’s plan. Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glacé in Brownberry. I love these glosses because they are not too sheer, moisturizing, and feel great on the lips; they also have a vanilla smell. I chose this color because it gives me a perfect natural color for everyday. It’s got a hint of berry but is still natural. For now my journey continues, not yet fully confident but still with that hint of hope. To be continued…..

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It’s That Time Again…

9 Jan

bloodwork

Oh no, not again. Yup, it’s that time of year. Time for the blood-work and all the check-ups to see if the cancer is back. Since this is the 2 year mark I only have to get the tests done every six months or until they see something different. Remember last August they did see a little something but nothing substantial enough for action. Well, today they took four vials of blood to see if there are any changes. Two of the vials are going to California for that ‘unique’ test to see if I have tumor markers signifying cancer. Unfortunately since its a test given to rare cases like me, I have to wait 3-4 weeks for the results…ahhh fun times. Otherwise, my doctor said all seemed ok. While at the doctors office I got in a conversation with a gentleman in the small waiting area amidst the patient rooms while I was waiting for the phlebotomist to collect my blood. He asked what I was getting blood-work for and then he asked,’ Well, thyroid cancer is the best cancer to get right?” As you know, most thyroid cancer survivors don’t appreciate that statement, no cancer is good cancer. Anyhow, I replied, ‘ For some,’ then I asked if he was being seen for something. He proceeded to tell me with teary eyes that 35 years ago his wife had lymphoma (cancer of lymph nodes) followed 10 years later with pancreatic cancer, then 5 years ago, colon cancer, and now they think thyroid cancer. So, I repeated the very phrase that I dislike to him, ‘Well, thyroid cancer is the best cancer to get, easily treated for sure.’ I couldn’t believe what this couple has been through and I was so grateful that I was hopefully on the tail end of my cancer journey.

So here I am today, if the results are good then I will be over two years cancer free. For me, a mile marker easing my mind that quite possibly it’s over and maybe I can finally adjust to my new normal. What’s bad about today and all the tests,  is that it brought back those feelings of anxiety and insecurity; it was a reminder that yes, I had cancer, it’s come back a few times and no, I have no control over it. It’s so crazy and sad and depressing, but of course I was blessed with a quote on a radio talk show about the future at exactly the time I got into my car and turned on the radio after the appointment. The host was talking about the future and quoted Abe Lincoln, “The best part about the future is that it happens one day at a time.” How awesome is that? I just finished my appt and bloodwork from one arm and was headed to another lab for bloodwork on the other arm and heard that on the radio! God is good, that’s the truth, one day at a time, no control. I don’t know what the results will be one month from now but there is nothing I can do until then. Life moves on so I must continue seeking that magic. The blessing now is that once again I am reminded of the brevity of life and I can’t wait to continue living it.

Today I wear Buxom Full Bodied Lip Gloss in Hot Mama. First of all, I love the Buxom glosses. They are moisturizing and have beautiful color…these are some of my favorites. Hot mama is red of course and I love it both for the color and the name; hot mama, I wish! Cheers!

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The Same?

5 Jan

snow

The first week of 2013 has come and gone. It’s funny, we were at a friends house New Years Eve and we were all excited about a new year ahead, thinking about the possibilities, things we would change, places we want to see, goals, etc. Well, January 2nd dawned and it was back to work for me, and back to school for my kids. So after all the anticipation and excitement for the new year, life is still the same…or is it? One of the things I consciously wanted to change or do every single day was to find the magic,or the blessing, whether it be with another person, the weather, a flower, whatever, because in the rush of our daily lives I believe that we miss a lot. Yes it’s fun to look forward to the next vacation or there’s of course the thought process of ,’when ____happens, then it’ll be great or my life will be better.’ But what about right now? What are you missing? This year my eyes are wide open and it’s much more exciting to start the day anticipating something magical or even the purposeful thought of being on a ‘quest’ for blessings or magic.

Here’s the magic from this first week of 2013:

January 1, sleep. That’s right, it was a blessing to be in pajamas most of the day, not having to do one thing…truly magical

January 2, met with a friend and had a great time talking about all kinds of stuff. Investing in relationships are a must!

January 3, talking with one of my kids about the dangers of social media..the magic? They listened and we had a good heart to heart

January 4, watching my son play a high school basketball game against a large rival school in a packed gym. Felt blessed, proud, and sadly,…old

Today, ran into my husbands office to take care of some things for him and another lady was waiting in the hall for her boss(a dentist) to show up so she could start work. We exchanged ‘hellos’ and I told her to have a great day. She said, ‘Everyday I get to work is a great day.’ That statement actually stopped me in my tracks so I turned and asked, ‘Really?’ She replied, “Absolutely. I feel so blessed and thankful to have a job when so many are without. It’s true, every time I get called in to work I’m ecstatic and it’s a great day.” Wow, what great perspective.

These are just little things but life isn’t filled with grandiose moments, it’s filled with minutia…small moments of impact that if we don’t look for them, many times we miss them. Don’t miss those moments of magic because life is beautiful.

Today I wear MAC lipstick in Captive which is a pinky plum. There are a ton of great MAC colors and formulations of lipsticks. I admit I don’t love them all, but I do love their satins and sheers. I chose Captive because it is an easy everyday color for me to wear and also for the name. Be captive in the moment, don’t rush through life. Happy New Year!

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2013

27 Dec

snow

Four more days until the new year…2013. It’s hard to believe how fast time goes by. I ran into a friend today and asked her how Christmas was for her and her family this year and she said, ‘uneventful, thank goodness’. She said it was the first time in a few years that there wasn’t crying. Last year her mom passed away, the year before, her sister. She told me that she and her family were able to do ‘normal’ Christmas things without tears…church, family dinner, presents…she said it was very peaceful and loved seeing everyone smiling again. I can relate in a small way. Remember from a past post that December has been a hard month in my cancer journey, either I was diagnosed with cancer, recovering, or preparing for a surgery. This year I declared a moratorium on anything health related; no doctors appointments, blood work, etc. and I guess you could say this December was also peaceful for me. I am also fortunate enough to have the holidays off of work so I don’t return until January 2. With all this downtime I’ve been reflecting on the events of the past year. Highlights include me still being able to sing at my fourth Voice Day concert after three surgeries, a paralyzed vocal cord and major radiation(twice), a trip to Europe with my family, the kids all playing basketball (the face of my daughter when she came home and said she made the team…priceless), good 20120629-204705.jpggrades, dance recital, good health, running in 3 races, and NO CANCER year 2! Yup, the highlights were awesome, but some of the best memories were just every day things. I am so thankful for so much it’s quite overwhelming. My daughter today asked what my New Year’s resolutions are, well, I don’t really have any. It’s kinda bad but I’ve always been the one to literally live day to day. Yes, I have really large, no, monumental goals and aspirations, but since I’m quite the dreamer some may be unattainable…I don’t care, you never know, I mean, who knew I would write and a publish a book? Anyhow, there are things I would like to improve or just keep doing in the new year:

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* Respect every person and invest in their story *Speak the truth * Be intentional *Live boldly *Keep dreaming big * As Eleanor Roosevelt says, ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you’… ‘You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face.’

As I look toward 2013 I know big things are in store. I have that restless feeling that I get so often, so much so that I have strange energy brewing from my fingertips to my toes. I’m not sure what the future holds and I also know that life is short and time goes so fast. What are you thankful for? What are you looking forward to? Don’t hold back…SEIZE THE DAY!

Today I wear my go to red lipstick for the holidays Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Merlot. It is a deep red/burgundy which I have loved for a few years. It’s surprisingly moisturizing (most reds are not) and for me, its the perfect evening red. Happy 2013…CHEERS!

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Not Easy

17 Dec

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This past weekend has been extremely emotional. Last Friday I was sitting in a Chicago airport coming home from a work meeting when I heard the news of the Connecticut school shooting which killed 20 young children and 6 adults. I sat there crying along with the other adults hearing and seeing the news for the first time. All eyes were on the television screen and as I looked around I saw people crying, shaking their head, calling home. All I could think of was my family and coming home. It was horrific. Saturday, all teams at my son’s high school from Freshman boys, to JV and Varsity boys and girls played basketball against a rival high school to raise funds for the American Cancer Society. All team members on both teams had a special jersey and the name on the back was the name of someone who lost, is fighting, or has beaten cancer. My son’s jersey said ‘mom’ on the back. I couldn’t be more proud as he made an early and lasting impact on his game which they won by over 30 points. Sunday morning I ran in another 5K with some friends. I have been struggling with my breathing for the last month or so (because of the constant change of weather I think) so I knew the run would be a challenge; I wasn’t wrong. I knew within the first 30 seconds that this race would be the most difficult so far. I reconsidered doing it just the day before as I struggled with my breathing that night, but I went anyway. Why? Because I had breath in my lungs and because I could. I thought about those kids from the shooting, their families, the holidays, the presents waiting for them; I thought about the cancer game and the names on everyone’s jerseys including mine, and I had to run. run3Life is fleeting and you just never know the time or the place. Sunday afternoon my family went to see The Hobbit at the movie theater. As I sat in the crowded theater I had a fleeting thought of a gunman opening fire that I had to quickly dismiss. FAITH OVER FEAR. We cannot live in fear, I refuse!

There has been a call to action in social media to do 26 Random Acts of Kindness for the 26 lives that were cut short last Friday. Why just 26?  This is what I’ve been talking about, this is what my blog is about, this is what I am passionate about. EVERYBODY MATTERS! Why can’t there be an act of kindness daily, hourly, every minute??  We are not hobbits and life is not easy. Everyday we are with people, people with stories, people with heartache, people who we may need ourselves. Make each moment count…love God and love others! Don’t stop reaching out, open yourselves up. We need each other.

Today I wear Philosophy lip gloss in Thank You. It is a sheer raspberry color that only comes in a set. I chose it because Philosophy lipglosses are yummy and this is no exception. I mainly chose it for the name…thank you all for being a part of  my life!

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Open Up

12 Dec

smile

This past weekend we celebrated Christmas in Indiana with my father in law and my husbands’ two brothers and their families. His youngest brother is engaged to be married next month and I finally had a chance to meet the newest member to join our family. She is great and I’m so excited to have her in the family. This week I am in Chicago for another meeting with my new company and there are even more people to meet as well as others from before that I am able to get to know more. Isn’t that great? I believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Prior to cancer I was more shy and I guess ‘distant’,  keeping people at arms length…you know, the facade stage, nothing deeper. Now, everything has changed and I want to dive in and know people’s stories. In light of that, some of you have read my book and have been reading my blog for a long time and you know mostly about my cancer journey. Today, in an effort to ‘let you in’ and know me better (besides the fact you already know I love lipstick) I thought I’d list some things you didnt know about me:

1. Besides lipstick,  I also love chocolate and all things carbs (bread, crackers, cookies, etc)
2. My first kiss was Shawn Cassidy, the album cover, which I kept under my pillow
3. My first crush was in second grade to a boy named Russell. For Valentines Day he gave me a pretend makeup kit ….was this the start of my lipstick love?
4. I am a total introvert and generally shy, which is why I love acting
5. I don’t enjoy cooking and if I didn’t have kids I believe my husband and I could survive on cereal and toast
6. I have a degree in science which I struggled with after I changed my major from Music
7. Chopin is my favorite classical composer. His music is very emotional
8. Every day from 1st grade through 12th grade I brought a peanut butter sandwich to school (Jiffy peanut butter on Wonder bread)
9. I hate spiders…no, all bugs really
10. I’m allergic to cats, therefore I am a dog person
11. I ran away from home once when I was a teenager but only for a few hours at the mall (sorry mom and dad)
12. My first job was at Burger King. I was 14 1/2 and have not really stopped working since
13. I didn’t enjoy reading books until after college. Cliff notes were my best friend
14. I hate talking on the phone; texting was made for me
15. I’ve kept a journal since I was 9

That’s it for now, just some basics. Do we have anything in common? I’d love to get to know all of you too. Tell me your stories!

Today I am keeping it simple and wearing Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm in Rose. I love it. It’s moisturizing and smooth, all natural, and inexpensive. Rose gives me just a pop of color. I of course have Red Dahlia too which I love. Keep opening yourselves to new people, it softens your heart. Cheers!

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Too Busy

28 Nov

Wow, does life ever just ‘coast’? For those who live in America, I pray all of you had a Happy Thanksgiving. A few things have happened the past couple of weeks that have dramatically changed my schedule, all while starting and adjusting to a new job!  First, my oldest son (who broke his hand last month and had to have surgery and pins) got his stitches taken out on a Friday and was trying out for the high school freshman basketball team the following Tuesday. Was I a nervous wreck? Of course. Well, he made the team and is so excited. That act alone added daily practices (including weekends and school breaks) and games from now until March. My daughter was in the school musical last month which was awesome. She did a great job and was happy to be a part. When we asked what she planned on trying next she said maybe some after school clubs because she didn’t really enjoy sports…ok. Well, out of the blue she decided to try out for the 7th grade basketball team and by surprise, she made it! She came home shocked herself and said, “I don’t know what happened.” So, tack on another practice every day plus games through February (on top of dance class). Then of course my youngest, yes, he is playing basketball too, practice twice a week plus two games a week. Never has my schedule been more packed. Today I am writing on the importance of rest. Besides feeling like a taxicab at night and weekends, I am working full time and am now trying to get ready for Christmas…it can be too much. What are some of the top side effects of stress and not enough rest?  Weight gain, sleeplessness, and mood swings…yes, yes, and yes. We have now entered the highest ‘stressful’ seasons by itself and without enough rest and relaxation, it could be very bad for your health. Take the time to sit still (which is hard for me to do too), breathe and be thankful, it helps the attitude.

On another note, I was thinking about those who might be struggling right now, like one of my old customers who lost his son this past summer from cancer. Life is hard. People have asked me how I hold on to hope through all the ups and downs of cancer. My answer is simple, sometimes it’s impossible but others have been there to fill me with hope or fill up my tank so to speak. Since the beginning of my cancer journey I have received numerous phone calls, cards and e-mails, some even from strangers, and I have saved them all. When I am feeling down all I have to do is read a few emails or cards and I start feeling that hope again. I also 100% believe that God has a plan and my hope is in Him. Sometimes we just need a word of encouragement to remind us how loved we are or how much we matter and when we feel that hope ourselves, we can share it with others who may need it. Can you think of anyone who may need a card or a text for a little encouragement? Why wait?

 

Today I wear Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Bordeaux. This is my favorite formulation of Lancome lipstick because it’s moisturizing and smooth. My fave red, Merlot, comes from this formula , but today I chose Bordeaux which is a soft burgundy color with lots of shimmer…perfect for the holiday season. I love it!

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Common Thread

6 Nov

“You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words…” CS Lewis

I’ve been in a little funk lately, just feeling kind of ‘gray’. I guess it is a normal thing for cancer/former cancer patients to feel when on a downswing wondering which direction life is leading them (I think it’s normal for everyone). Anyhow, over the past few years I have run into many people affected by cancer; cancer survivors/fighters and those that support them. As I thought about the quote by CS Lewis, I believe you can find a common thread in people who you are attracted to, or close friends; but speaking to ‘cancer’ people, there are definitely commonalities. Here are some to think about:

*Fighter.Survivor.Strong.Courageous. All great labels, but sometimes we either don’t want the name (figher/survivor) or don’t feel like we’ve done anything to deserve the name (strong/courageous). We simply did what we had to do and rose to the occasion.

*For those of us who have survived, we wonder what our greater purpose is.

*We don’t stress too much about small stuff or really very much of anything.

*We expect the best from people, honesty, love, no games

*Sometimes we want to just spend the money, we wonder why we’re saving

*We are more fearless and take more risks

*We are more emotional because we have been broken

*We like peace

*We get nervous with every little change in our body, even if its allergies or a cold. We are very aware of EVERY change and wonder if it’s the cancer or a side effect of the treatment

*We realize that while the world around us has generally stayed the same, we are forever changed

*Time is everything and checking items off that bucket list is now a priority

It’s a tough journey and I would have rather not been part of it, but we don’t get to choose. Looking at the list it seems everyone, cancer or not, would have those common threads. Why must a life-changing illness remind is to keep life simple?

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Raisin. I love Bobbi lipsticks for both their moisturizing, color, texture…really, they are just great lipsticks.  It’s a medium brown/plum shade that I love. Raisin has been my go-to color for at least 10 years, keeping it simple today. Cheers!

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Relax

19 Oct

This week was the first official week of my new job and I decided I really don’t like not knowing what I’m doing. I traveled to both Pittsburgh, PA and Columbus, OH to meet with both my trainer and my mentor. I know how to do the actual job because it’s what I’ve done for 20 years, but to learn all of the processes of a new company like computer, expense report, etc…wow, it’s a lot. What I find interesting is that as I get older after being downsized from lay offs or company buy outs, is that the grass is not always greener. After all my experiences though (including cancer), I know better what I’m looking for and what I can tolerate. So far, I really like the decision I’ve made, it’s just funny hearing what people complain about thinking it would be better somewhere else, typically it’s not, it’s just different. I believe there are no accidents and that God opens and shuts doors, sometimes leaving us to wonder…what? why? Oh well, always good to mix things up.

After all the travel and stress of learning the tools of the new job, I decided to get a massage today. I don’t usually get massages because I am crazy ticklish, but I knew I needed it. I carry my tension in my neck and shoulders and because of all the surgeries and radiation to my neck, I have a lot of scar tissue. The scar tissue affects some of the nerves in my neck so when I’m tense, it’s harder for me to breathe and I start losing feeling in my left arm. By Thursday morning, my left arm was numb and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath so I used some of my early birthday present money from my parents and decided to get a massage. It. was. fantastic. One of the things I loved about it (besides of course the relaxation), is that it forced me to sit still for an hour and relax. It gave me time to focus and think about today, it almost made me cry (I’m such a wuss). My birthday is coming up and as I thought about it laying there, I realized I haven’t had cancer since May of 2010, two and a half years. Yes there have been scares and I’m still on ‘watch’, but surgeries and radiation in 2008, 2009, and 2010…now, here I am, so thankful for my health, my family, friends, my life. So many lessons learned…it’s overwhelming. If not a massage, take a few minutes and think about your life. Sit still, think about the good, the bad, and the ugly but maybe start with ugly and finish with good. If you can’t remember, get yourself a journal or notebook and read through at the end of the month, then thank God for your blessings and for still being around to read what you wrote.

Today I go beyond lipstick and totally recommend Sephora Favorites Super Stars Beauty Essentials Kit. I just got mine yesterday and it is AWESOME! Sephora puts kits together based on their best sellers and they are usually in categories like fragrance, mascara, lips, etc. I don’t typically buy kits because most of the time I know I’ll only be using one or two products and the rest will go to waste. This one is different…every single thing in this particular kit is awesome, not to mention five of the nine items included are their normal FULL SIZE! I LOVE THIS KIT and the colors they chose for lips, eyes, and cheeks are universal and will look great on just about every skin tone! Have fun!!

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