Tag Archives: thyroid

What’s Your Type?

20 Jul

2013-02-19 05.17.29

Recently after I read about this in another blog I decided to take one of those personality tests. I’ve done a few of these in the past for work and it’s kind of amazing how just answering some situational questions can put you in a personality category. Anyhow, since I didn’t want to pay for the full test I took the free sample; and since I didn’t really like the results I got the first time (because I thought I was a different personality type), I took it two more times on two different days only to get the same result. I am a 2 in this test, A Helper. What does it mean? It’s not bad, caring, warm hearted, unselfish. But on the other hand, ‘The Helper’ is also people pleasing, has a hard time acknowledging their needs, and are non-confrontational…peace loving. I was recently told that I don’t fight back or speak up enough because I am more interested in keeping the peace, which in turn makes me a pushover. I think before cancer I was definitely a ‘yes’ person and maybe a pushover, but after cancer I feel a little differently. There are many things in life we can’t control and those things well, pfffft…let it go, not worth the fight. I also know that kindness and respect go alot farther than yelling and anger. Do I have a problem with confrontation? No, but I usually have a smile on my face which tends to soften the blow.

Do I want peace? I crave it, especially now. Is there sometimes a price to pay for peace? Absolutely. Anytime you compromise any part of yourself; your beliefs, your worth, your ‘voice’, in order to keep the peace to please another, well, that is a hefty price to pay. No, being soft spoken, choosing kindness and respect over angry confrontation, being quiet at times instead of speaking out, being a listener instead of constantly having to hear yourself, I don’t think anything is wrong with that. Do I speak up when I have to? I’d like to think so. However you are wired, whatever label someone has put on you, be proud. Thank goodness the world has variety. We were all made differently and we weave ourselves into each others lives, imperfections and all. Life is fleeting. I say it all the time, love God, love others. Be respectful, love peace, speak softly…there’s too much anger out there already.

Today I wear Josie Maran Argan Love Your Lips Hydrating Lipstick in Spirited Red. At first look, the color of the lipstick is in the middle and it is surrounded with what looks like clear wax in the shape of lipstick (hard to describe)…anyway, it looks kinda funky. What it is is the pigment of the lipstick is surrounded by glossy balm, argan oil. It’s pretty cool and super moisturizing. Since there’s quite a bit of the ‘balm/gloss’ component, the result is a little more sheer but you do get lots of color. I chose Spirited Red because I love red lips and I’m just happy to be me. Cheers!

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Vacation

15 Jul

2013-07-01 22.12.06

I’m back! My family has just returned from the longest vacation in our history. I use the term ‘vacation’ loosely because if you’re a mom, you know you’re always working. Anyhow, we toured the East Coast via automobile; Niagara Falls, Boston, New York City, Newport,RI, Baltimore, Washington DC, Virginia Beach, then ending with a whitewater rafting trip in the mountains of West Virginia. Yes, 5 people in an SUV, 2 of which are teens (with one able to drive as well). Did I sleep much…nah. Was it crazy fun? I still need to take a step back and soak in all we’ve done. I have to say the trip was diverse; from a baseball game at historic Fenway Park, to a Broadway show; from staying in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC to sleeping in a tent with no electricity or running water in the mountains. I just now looked at the 300 pictures I took and I had to laugh. This vacation I decided to take a different approach to picture taking. Instead of all smiles (which you see all the time), I wanted to go ‘real’. I decided to take the frustrated, angry, bored, etc pictures as well as the smiley ones. By the time we got to Boston, my daughter caught on to what I was doing and when she had the camera she did the same. Looking at the pictures just now, the ‘real’ ones are the ones that are cracking me up. Sure, the other pics document great moments and smiling faces, but the others, well, they document what was really happening at times, and the expressions of true feelings, well, priceless. I would include some of my pics but I think certain family members may not be that happy with me if I did.2013-07-13 19.07.46

How many of you have vacation pictures where everyone is all smiles? Everyone I’m sure. It’s the in between moments that I wanted to capture, the ‘real’ stuff, it’s what I crave. Sometimes I get sick of all the facades people put up. It gets tiring. I’m tired myself sometimes of portraying a pretty picture. That’s not how life is all the time is it? The best part of vacation for me? Spending all that time with my kids, talking with them and really getting deep, especially with my older two. If you have teens you know that they start getting quiet and start spending more and more time with friends instead of you. This time was precious to me getting to know their struggles and their thoughts on various worldly issues that teens go through. All in all it was a good vacation; a little long for me because I’m kind of a homebody, but good. So what do my pictures say? What do people think when they look at you? Smiles are great, but being ‘real’ is even better.2013-07-06 00.29.30

Today I wear Carmex strawberry with SPF 15 because it’s all I wore on vacation. In fact, we had to stop at Walgreen and buy more. I try to be pretty low maintenance when I travel so it’s usually just tinted sunscreen and lip balm…talk about real…real scary that is! Cheers!

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What if…

12 Jun

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This week’s topic for my blogging group GBE2 (which, sad to say, I have been very delinquent in posting topics for this group, sorry) is ‘What if…’ First of all, I hate the what ifs because life keeps moving forward, and asking the question forces you to look backwards and maybe question some of the decisions you’ve made along the way. Every day, there are what ifs and whichever path we take or decision we make has a consequence that we just have to deal with, good or bad. Again, I hate looking backwards.

For today I’m going to think about an uncontrollable ‘what if’; a decision made for me. What if I never had cancer? It’s a big one because I have a hard time remembering who I was and what type of person I was before cancer. I don’t think I was much different personality wise, I think maybe how I see things has changed and therefore my heart and soul are little different. Ok, ok, too deep. Anyhow, there are some ‘solid’ things that have happened like if I hadn’t had cancer I wouldn’t have written a book, I wouldn’t have started a blog, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet all the amazing people along the way and done all the cool things that I’ve done because of the cancer. So here’s the heart and soul stuff….I think I would be a little more selfish, maybe a little less grateful, maybe a lot more rushed through the day, not stopping to stand in the rain or close my eyes and stick my face in the sun. I am a little different, maybe alot different, like I said, I can hardly remember my old self. I love more, my heart breaks easier, I listen more intently, and I try not to take people or days for granted. On the other side I’m alot less tolerant of jerks, mean people, angry people, ‘life-zapping’ people…waste of time and energy. So was cancer a blessing? In some ways. Would I have chosen to get it….NO WAY. What if I never had cancer? Who knows, but I accept who I am today because of it and I keep moving forward. Enough of the what ifs! Everyday a new beginning!

But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at  strain, to dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall, and baffled, get up and begin  again. -Robert Browning

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Suspense which again is this purply hot pink shade cool for summer. These lipsticks are cross between a lipstick and a gloss, are moisturizing and you can hardly feel them on your lips. They have great colors but go on more sheer than what you see in the tube. I love them! I chose Suspense for both the color and the name. Life is fun and living with excitement and suspense at how the day goes and who you might meet sounds like a blast, doesn’t it? Cheers!

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Strength and Courage

28 May

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Strength and courage. These are two words cancer fighters hear all the time. ‘You are so strong, so much courage to go through what you are going through…’ During ‘the fight’ we have no choice but to be strong and courageous fighting this enemy attacking our bodies. These are good words, and for me a constant encouragement to hear, empowering me to fight and conquer. Again, there was no choice, either be strong, courageous, and fight, or wither away and wallow in self pity…yeah, that sounds fun. Anyhow, I looked up the definitions:

Strength: The state of being strong, the power to resist attack; durability

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain

Yes to both, cancer/illness fighters need both. What about after the fight? I am finding that having strength and courage after the fight, trying to adjust to a new normal, while also adjusting from some of the side effects psychologically along with treatment side effects, is just as difficult. Cancer opens your eyes and heart to a whole new world and not all of it is ‘rosy’. I see things with a different perspective (obviously), I have a longing to live life to the fullest, to love and understand people and where they come from, for my kids to be just as excited about life as I am despite an ever-changing and not always positive society. What if when your eyes are open, you don’t like everything you see? Well, it takes even more strength and courage to make changes and to be the change; to stand up for what you believe in and move forward despite the constant scare of cancer. I know this sounds like alot of jibberish but my mind and heart have been swirling. We all live with a type of ‘cancer’ don’t we? Something that grates on our nerves, a job, a co-worker, a situation. Open your eyes and heart and live. There is a certain power to being vulnerable with people. It is scary but be strong and courageous, we need that from each other.

Deuteronomy 31:6  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Today I wear Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lipgloss in Stunner. This gloss is a bright magenta color in the tube. It’s a super moist but not sticky lipgloss that has a good amount of shine and color on lips…I LOVE it! This color happens to be enough of a pop of color for me and because I have a bit of a plum tone to my lips already, this looks like a sheer pop of berry on me! Cheers!

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Lonely

20 May

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Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

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Long Week

6 Apr

2013-02-18 22.20.13

*sigh*   What a long week, emotions can be grating on the psyche. Remember a couple blogs ago I spoke about my friend and her boyfriend with the growth on his neck? Well, it was a rare fast growing cancer and he almost died last weekend…yes, from an unknown lump, to cancer taking over his whole body in one month. He received massive amounts of chemo and miraculously looks like he will be ok. Another friend revealed that her husband’s cancer has progressed and he is now starting treatment after a year of ‘watch and wait’. On Wednesday I did my mammogram which, well, if you’re a woman over forty, you know. I felt a little traumatized by the manipulation of my breasts in a giant panini maker, not to mention the pain. I’ve been a little sad because of everything, but this week was particularly difficult. With all of those things going on with me and around me, I was, and still am, overwhelmed with not just the brevity of life, but also how things can change so quickly. I am trying to be angry (to get over my sadness), but it’s not working yet.

The week still had plenty of magic to lift my spirits of course. Last Sunday was Easter and being a Christian, I am so grateful for what Christ has done and for His love and amazing gift of grace and forgiveness. I also met with some great friends this week, old and new. It’s awesome how God brings different people into our lives at different times. I believe there are no ‘accidents’ or concidence in meeting people and I am so thankful for all of my relationships. In Les Miserables, Victor Hugo wrote, “To love another person is to see the face of God“, a line which is included in the Finale song of the musical by the same name. Thank you to my friends, family, and all of you reading my blog and following my journey; God’s face is all around.

Today I wear Dior Dior Addict Lip Gloss in 643 Diablotine. I LOVE this gloss and color! It is super moisturizing, a little bit sparkly, and has great color for a gloss. This color is not quite hot pink, and not quite orange (which seemsto be the color of the moment)…it’s perfect! I chose it for today because I have been wearing it all week and for me, it is another perfect color for spring and summer! Cheers!

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Results Are In

26 Mar

fall

Well, the results are in! Remember the three scenarios I mentioned in my last blog? It was none of the above. No, no, a definitive answer would be too easy considering my cancer path. My doctor called and the good news is that my neck looks good! Nothing showing up on the PET scan in terms of ‘leftover’ cancer or new and obvious growth, so the number on my blood work results must have been a fluke or a variable they didn’t know about from the new test. It was great news for me because the treatment for anything new in my neck would be extremely risky. Ahh, but the news doesn’t stop there…he continued to say that there was something else. He asked if I was recently in an accident, or if I cut myself shaving, or if I was sick recently…no, no, no,….why? ‘Well, there’s some inflammation of some lymph nodes under your arm.’ ‘So what?’ ‘ He says, well, that’s typical of breast cancer, I want you to get a mammogram.’ ‘I have thyroid cancer cells in my breast?’ ‘No, this would be totally unrelated.’ ‘Hmmm, ok.’

So a mammogram is next and my journey moves forward. How do I feel? Nuts. It’s almost laughable. I cried a little because I just want this over with, but hey, it’s life and I’m still living, making the most of every day now more than ever.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Rebelle. These lipsticks are super moisturizing because they are like a lipstick/gloss hybrid. I chose Rebelle because it is the perfect pop of sheer red and ‘Rebel’ is in the name…I’m fighting back! Cheers!

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Kids and Cancer

16 Mar

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I haven’t written in a while for a few reasons; partly because my emotions have been very up and down, partly because I can’t think of anything to write about because of said emotions, and partly because I’m tired of always talking about me. Today I thought I’d tackle kids and how they may feel about cancer by interviewing one of my kids, AJ. My kids were 5,7, and 10 when this cancer journey started for me. My oldest,AJ, is now 15 almost 16 and has grown into a fine young man. He is my most logical child so I wanted to hear how he feels and has felt about mom having cancer so far…

Me: You were only 10 when I got cancer the first time, what did you think?

AJ: I was only in fifth grade and I think I was angry.

Me: Scared?

AJ: Not really because I didn’t know what it really meant yet. I guess I might have been scared of the unknown.

Me: How did you feel when it came back the second and third time?

AJ: The second time I was more upset than angry, but the third time I thought it would be ok because I watched you fight and win the first two times.

Me: How do you think having a mom with cancer through your youth has changed you, or has it?

AJ: I don’t think it’s made me a more sensitive person, I guess I’m not sure. It was just a fact of life, I didn’t know any different, plus you acted as ‘normal’ as possible; still drove us places, came to our events…

Me: How did you feel during those times when I couldn’t talk?

AJ: Frustrated because I couldn’t understand anything you were trying to whisper.

Me: Has this made you closer to God, or more angry and farther?

AJ: Closer, because I prayed a lot and saw all the people who would bring food and pray for you and with you. Sometimes He was the only One I could talk to.

Me: So if my cancer is back, how are you feeling?

AJ: Same as the first time…angry2006-10-14_0044

Ok, I have to say this is the first time I actually sat face to face with one of my children to discuss how they have felt through everything. Although AJ seemed indifferent and thought I was goofy for asking (he is a teenager), I was actually getting emotional and a little choked up. I may never know all the feelings they have or are feeling, but I do know that cancer has been part of their life for most of their youth. It’s sad to me but I understand that their feelings are directly tied to my actions. If I showed fear, I don’t think AJ would have been so confident the third time cancer came around. At the very least I know I have shown my kids how to handle adversity and life’s challenges with strength and hope, relying on God, family and friends. For now, that is enough.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Roseberry. I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks because they are not too glossy, not to dry, and have beautiful colors that work on almost every skin tone…really! Roseberry is a pinky rose color according to the descrition on Sephora, but on me, it is a great poppy red/pink that is great for spring and summer. It looks nothing like the picture on the web… much brighter and fun! Until next time!!

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Done

6 Mar

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The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. From my last post you even read about how I thought I was losing my smile. With all the cancer stuff swirling in my head, I ended up extremely sad and I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. Anytime I would talk to someone and they would simply ask how I was doing I would start getting weepy. I didn’t feel like doing anything, it’s hard to describe, just overwhelming sadness. I had a couple friends ask why I wasn’t more angry or maybe even angry at God. Why get angry at God when He is the One carrying me through? I read somewhere that He either brings it or allows it for a greater purpose. Well, I’m waiting to see if that purpose is revealed soon or if I’m already serving my purpose by sharing my story? Who knows, but I can’t get angry because everyone is dealing with something in their lives trying to tear them down, right? I just wanted out of my pity party; my sad, teary, bursting into tears at any given moment mood.

Over the weekend something clicked in my head and I was done. Yes, there are still some underlying waves of sadness, but I feel my strength (or will) to move forward, to fight once again. Part of it was being tired of being sad and tired, another part was truly handing my heart and life to God and trusting His plan, and the last part was listening to some really great music. You know from reading my blog that I LOVE music and that words, tunes, and voices actually affect my heart. Well, over the weekend I played the piano and listened to some great songs that just lifted my spirit enough to push me. Songs like You Are For Me by Kari Jobe, Carry On by Fun, and Girl On Fire but Alicia Keys (I like a wide variety of music). I am a total believer in music therapy and honestly, the music helped me. A friend also reminded me that it was ok to cry, to feel weak. I have always tried to maintain an even mood and a positive attitude over this 5 year struggle, but I was just tired. So, I allowed myself to cry…a lot, and now I’m back…this girl is on fire! If you are feeling troubled or overwhelmed I encourage you to take the risk and tell someone. We are made for community; reach out, listen, make people laugh, and don’t judge. What may not mean much to you may mean the world to someone else. Take the time to be there. I am so thankful to those who reached out and continue to listen, to cry, and make me laugh.

Today I wear Givenchy Le Rouge lipstick in Carmen Escarpin…who could resist that fun name? It is a coral/red which is a hot pop of color for spring. This formula is described as semi-matte which I try to stay away from because of my dry lips, but it actually feels creamy and it is longer lasting. Until next time…Cheers!

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Taking A Break

25 Feb

2013-02-19 05.17.29

Last week we spent a week in paradise. We got out of the cold and snowy Michigan weather and took a trip to beautiful Punta Cana. The weather was perfect; hot and sunny everyday, the sand was white and the ocean was beautiful and blue. Everyday was spent by the pool and beach and it was precious time spent with my family. Looking at the kids I realize that we only have a few years left with my oldest before he’s an adult; time slips by so fast. It was a great break from the cold but also the monotony of every day, busy life. I took some time to really think about everything that has happened over the past few weeks with the blood test and ultrasound and I couldn’t help feeling a little sad. If you read my Dear Cancer letter you knew that just a few weeks ago it was anger that I was feeling, but today, not so much. I guess I’m sad because this whole cancer/cancer survivor/possible cancer story will always be a part of my life, but not just me, those around me too. There were times on this vacation that I had trouble breathing. Whether it was the humidity, allergies, whatever it was, it was that constant reminder that cancer had taken something from me and I was sad. Another thing I noticed, which made me even more sad, was that I feel like I’m losing my smile (metaphorically speaking). Previous to all of this cancer stuff, I had no problems keeping a smile on my face but now, at times, it feels a little like a struggle and I hate it. Maybe it’s just now but I can’t really tell. I am desperately seeking out the magic and the blessing in every day and I still find it, but my smile seems to be fading a little. Anyhow, I guess it’s that whole cancer roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off of completely.2013-02-17 22.15.05

Just to update you all on what’s going on, since the ultrasound didn’t show any sizable tumors and my number was only elevated by a small number, my doctor thought that it was not a medical necessity to do the PET scan yet, but he said as soon as my insurance will cover it (October), he will schedule it right away. So now, we wait…again. I thought I would be able to forget about it for awhile because I trust my doctor and his decision, but the thought of that elevated number keeps popping into my mind. If you’re a praying person, I’m asking for a little peace until October. I trust in God’s plan and I’m mainly praying for the peace and the freedom to live every day to the fullest…with an easy smile on my face. Thank you for walking with me on my lipstick journey.

Today I wear YSL Golden Gloss in Golden Shell which is a sheer pinky beige color. First of all, these glosses have real gold flecks in them and are a little pricey, but I LOVE them. The texture, color, and consistency of these are awesome! They have some vibrant colors that I also own and they are all beautiful and can be worn on their own or on top of lipstick. I chose Golden Shell because it reminded me of the sand on the beach. Cheers!

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