Archive | February, 2013

Taking A Break

25 Feb

2013-02-19 05.17.29

Last week we spent a week in paradise. We got out of the cold and snowy Michigan weather and took a trip to beautiful Punta Cana. The weather was perfect; hot and sunny everyday, the sand was white and the ocean was beautiful and blue. Everyday was spent by the pool and beach and it was precious time spent with my family. Looking at the kids I realize that we only have a few years left with my oldest before he’s an adult; time slips by so fast. It was a great break from the cold but also the monotony of every day, busy life. I took some time to really think about everything that has happened over the past few weeks with the blood test and ultrasound and I couldn’t help feeling a little sad. If you read my Dear Cancer letter you knew that just a few weeks ago it was anger that I was feeling, but today, not so much. I guess I’m sad because this whole cancer/cancer survivor/possible cancer story will always be a part of my life, but not just me, those around me too. There were times on this vacation that I had trouble breathing. Whether it was the humidity, allergies, whatever it was, it was that constant reminder that cancer had taken something from me and I was sad. Another thing I noticed, which made me even more sad, was that I feel like I’m losing my smile (metaphorically speaking). Previous to all of this cancer stuff, I had no problems keeping a smile on my face but now, at times, it feels a little like a struggle and I hate it. Maybe it’s just now but I can’t really tell. I am desperately seeking out the magic and the blessing in every day and I still find it, but my smile seems to be fading a little. Anyhow, I guess it’s that whole cancer roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off of completely.2013-02-17 22.15.05

Just to update you all on what’s going on, since the ultrasound didn’t show any sizable tumors and my number was only elevated by a small number, my doctor thought that it was not a medical necessity to do the PET scan yet, but he said as soon as my insurance will cover it (October), he will schedule it right away. So now, we wait…again. I thought I would be able to forget about it for awhile because I trust my doctor and his decision, but the thought of that elevated number keeps popping into my mind. If you’re a praying person, I’m asking for a little peace until October. I trust in God’s plan and I’m mainly praying for the peace and the freedom to live every day to the fullest…with an easy smile on my face. Thank you for walking with me on my lipstick journey.

Today I wear YSL Golden Gloss in Golden Shell which is a sheer pinky beige color. First of all, these glosses have real gold flecks in them and are a little pricey, but I LOVE them. The texture, color, and consistency of these are awesome! They have some vibrant colors that I also own and they are all beautiful and can be worn on their own or on top of lipstick. I chose Golden Shell because it reminded me of the sand on the beach. Cheers!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well?

13 Feb

2012-06-26 02.53.372012-06-25 20.34.44

Life wouldn’t be interesting without a few obstacles, right? This past week I was waiting to hear from my doctor about my next steps in terms of testing to see if the number in my blood work really meant anything. While I waited to see what he decided, I called my new insurance carrier (from my new job), to make sure everything was covered. Surprise, surprise, all testing would not be covered until October; one year of employment for pre-existing conditions. That’s right, no coverage for any other testing. After arguing the points that I was cancer free when I started work, and have been for two years, she responded with ‘anything that we deem remotely related to your past health history would be considered pre-existing.’…  ‘What if I was diagnosed with breast cancer after a routine mammogram?…’   ‘Pre-existing’. Yup, it changed the course of my testing and possible treatment. I will not go into the ethics of that or involve myself in an insurance debate. It is what it is (you know I hate that phrase)! So, from there, I struggled with the cost of a PET scan and ultrasound and wondered how much and how long I could wait to hear an answer. In the meantime, my doctor was also wondering which way to go. On Tuesday he called and proposed an ultrasound done in his office because he said he could then control cost. Today I had that ultrasound done by a young radiologist. In the end, he said he didn’t see anything big enough to do anything about so he said I was ‘clean.’ I asked about all of the abnormal tissue and he said the ultrasound can’t differentiate between scar and tumor but nonetheless, the ‘extra’ tissue he sees is too small. So now what? I want to be excited but I’m not quite there. I haven’t spoken to my doctor about the results so I’m not sure what he’s thinking. The number from my blood-work was above normal, my neck has abnormal tissue, but not anything sizable, and only a PET scan can show if there is cancer anywhere else. So no, I’m not ecstatic over the results, but I’m not as freaked out as last week I guess.

The best part of this week has been all the love and support I have felt. I cannot tell you how many people reached out to me with prayer, support, and offers of fundraisers, etc. I’ve cried a few times because it was all so overwhelming; some of those who reached out are even people I haven’t known for very long. I was even moved by the offer of my doctor to help with the costs of the testing. It’s all too much and I am so grateful. Well, what to do next? I’m not sure. I will wait to hear from my doctor and for today I feel at peace with whatever may happen, or not happen next. The picture of the doors? Because we never know what’s behind them; still finding the magic in every day.

Thank you all for following my journey. Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lip Color in Hibiscus. These lipsticks are creamy and super moisturizing and I chose this color because it reminds me of summer (which I am so ready for). Cheers!winter

Dear Cancer

7 Feb

mad

Dear Cancer,

I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you. You keep wanting to get back together and for whatever reason, my body lets you. Well I’m done, I’m sick of all the game playing and I’m sick of you messing with my mind. I wish I could say that my relationship with you has made me stronger, braver, more courageous, but I just don’t know anymore. Now that you’re trying to get back together only bad feelings come up. You have made me more insecure about myself, you’ve made me sad, and I have shed too many tears because of you. You not only affect me, you have widespread effects on people I love and care about. They don’t even know what to say anymore; you leave a train of destruction and pain. It may surprise you but I love my life, and yes, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart constantly to the blessings around me. Are you trying to teach me something? Is there a lesson to learn? Well I got it, I’m good, so please stop showing up. Don’t underestimate me, I am not going down.

So here we are at another crossroads. Will you ever leave me alone? Hate is a strong word that I never use, but I’m beginning to hate you. You have broken my heart over and over, but I will not let you break my spirit.

Anna

PS I am ready to fight so I am wearing my Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Heavy Heart

2 Feb

survivor

What a week! This past week I was out of town for an important meeting with my new company. It was both exciting, because of some new things we are doing, and stressful, because we were also being tested on new information. All in all, it was fun because the company is small and I was able to spend time with some great people from across the country. This week I also found out that one of my former colleagues was tragically killed in a car accident leaving a wife and four young children. I was not close to him but remember having a few conversations at corporate functions. Just the thought of him leaving for work in the morning and not coming home puts a knot in my stomach and it is once again the reminder of the brevity of life.

Anyhow, this week I got the news I was waiting for. On Tuesday while I was sitting in one of the general sessions of my meeting I received a call from my doctor, the results of my blood-work were in. So here is what I was thinking leading up to this, it’s been over two years, a few scares along the way, but if this blood-work was clean I was going to be able to finally start breathing a little easier about the cancer coming back. It would be the longest time between cancer ever coming back and in my head I would’ve been ‘semi’ home free. Unfortunately the news was not what I wanted to hear. My number was outside or above normal which indicates cancer somewhere in my body. Not exactly the news I was expecting. There are many questions and unfortunately no answers. My doctor said that since the test is so new and the patients that need it are so rare, he is not aware of any possible variables in the number. So what’s next?  PET scan and ultrasound to determine if, what, and where. Another obstacle to getting more answers, since changing jobs, I have new insurance and right now my new insurance may not cover those tests until May because of a pre-existing clause. So, all of this during a very important company meeting…it was too much. Fortunately, because I am an actor, I kept my game on and did extremely well at the meeting and the testing despite the fact that since receiving the news on Tuesday I slept very little and was trying to keep tears at bay, talk about extreme emotions.

For today my heart feels a little heavier and my head is swimming but I am still trusting in God’s plan. Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glacé in Brownberry. I love these glosses because they are not too sheer, moisturizing, and feel great on the lips; they also have a vanilla smell. I chose this color because it gives me a perfect natural color for everyday. It’s got a hint of berry but is still natural. For now my journey continues, not yet fully confident but still with that hint of hope. To be continued…..

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,