Unexpected

30 Jul

 

Just goofing off

Last week was a good week. If you recall, I had some different tests done the week before, last week was all about results. I really hate the cancer roller coaster of emotions. I wonder if there will ever be a day when whatever I’m feeling (a cold, a sore throat, or for that matter whatever lump or bump appears or disappears) will not be about cancer. Oh well, such is the life of a survivor or fighter, whatever. Anyhow, last Monday the tissue they saw on my optic nerve turned out to be just an extra bundle of nerves and tissue and was not abnormal. Wednesday, the MRI results showed I had a bulging disc in my neck explaining the numbness and tingling in my left arm; not related to the multiple surgeries in my neck or the radiation. Friday my laryngologist did a follow up check of my vocal cords and the hemorrhage on my right paralyzed cord is healing and my left vocal cord is starting to move again. Whew, now I wait for my ultrasound and those results in two weeks. From the extreme emotions and weaning off the high steroids, by Saturday, I was exhausted so I think I slept half the day. Life comes fast and furious sometimes. Cancer has introduced me to a whole new set of emotions and there always seems to be something unexpected that comes up, but it’s not all bad, each day is new and I choose to trust God….not fear.

Yesterday we dropped off all three kids at camp for the week. It was the first time for our youngest to go so I was sad to let him go yet excited for him and his new adventure. What was unexpected for me was how I felt saying good-bye to my oldest. I was proud and sad at the same time. He will be 15 in a few weeks and will be starting driver’s ed when he gets back from camp. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming but as I watched him walk away I was saddened at the fact that he is edging closer to legal adulthood. Have I done enough as a mom? Have we taught him well so far? Our time as parents molding and shaping our kids into adults is so short. I have great kids and I feel truly blessed.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lipcolor in Blue Raspberry. I LOVE Bobbi Brown lipsticks. Most of the colors have a brown base so they work for most skin tones. The Creamy Lipcolor is so moisturizing it feels like a balm but these have lots of shine and color. If you love lipgloss but need more color, these are for you. I chose Blue Raspberry because it’s a great berry tone for summer, and who doesn’t love blue raspberries?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Breathless

23 Jul

Sunset over the Mediterranean Sea

 

Awhile back I bought a book called The Happy Book by Rachel Kempster for me and my daughter. It is essentially a journal with prompts; you can draw, tape pictures, or just write about things that make you happy. In the future, it can be used as a reference to look back at happy things and make you smile on the days where a smile is hard to find. Recently with the advent of some mixed health news, I put it in my car and started.  The very first entry was to list everything that makes you happy. My list currently has about 85 things listed and is not finished. I have to say while writing all these ‘happy’ things, I had a huge smile on my face. So, this weeks topic for my blogging group is ‘breathless’ which I thought tied into things that make me happy because some of the things  that make me happy are also things that take my breath away. Today I was left breathless when the doctor told me that the extra ‘something’ that was seen on my optic nerve was NOT cancer, just some nerve bundles, normal tisue. There are the small things that make me happy or take my breath away too, like chocolate cream pie, or just a really good candy bar, obviously a new lipstick, and even a hug from someone I love can leave me breathless. Then there’s the big and beautiful things like rainbows and sunsets and the colors of a flower in bloom; or even my kids laughter or watching them sleep. Then there are not so happy things that knock the wind out of you leaving you breathless. Things like hearing the phrase “you have cancer” or “the cancer’s back” or “yes, it’s back again,”; or when you get robbed or when your child is sick, etc. Both instances, good and bad, leave your heart racing and your mind turning in different directions. Both though, the good and the bad give you more life. They allow you to feel something and that’s how I want to live. I want life to take my breath away.

What is it that takes your breath away? For me, life leaves me breathless; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I read this quote last week and it has left an imprint on my mind because this is how I want to be…passionate, daring, and always a dreamer.

“When we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble into the world creating a beautiful ripple effect of inspiration. When one person follows a dream, tries something new, or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy, and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.”- Author Unknown

Today I wear Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Passion. This is a tinted lip balm with SPF 15 which comes in 5 sheer colors. I love these tinted balms because they’re packed with vitamins, have great color, and are not sticky (they’re just a little pricey). I chose Passion because I love the name but also, this one is the sheer candy red color…I LOVE it!!!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dancing in the Rain

19 Jul

Don’t worry…from a candy store in Spain

Life is a crazy series of events triggering a response leading to, of course, another event. Some things you can control, most things you cannot. Being a woman of faith, God is the master conductor and we are the instruments; sometimes playing the wrong notes, taking the wrong turn, and sometimes playing it right. Together with God though, our story is a symphony even more beautiful than Beethoven’s 5th. If you’re familiar with the song (I’ve attached a link), my life has felt like the first movement for awhile. The past few days, no scratch that, the past month has been a little stressful. From a couple posts ago you know it started with my son having a seizure which led to 3 doctor appointments right up until literally 2 hours before leaving for the aiport on our long European vacation. As an update, at the first appointment the doctor said that there was something wrong on the EEG (brain wave test) so he wanted to do an MRI immediately to rule out a brain tumor before we left for vacation…uh huh. MRI was the next day, then Monday morning we found out it was fine but he was diagnosed with a seizure disorder that he will supposedly grow out of when he hits puberty. OK, I can deal with that, we left with a medication that would help prevent seizures. Later that afternoon, we left for vacation and you know some of the mishaps that happened from my last post. Also, being a mom trying to keep her eye on three kids in large crowds in foreign countries, it was a little stressful.

When we got home I had a few doctor appointments with various results which I will talk about next time. All I can say right now is that at my last doctor appointment yesterday when my laryngologist told me that my left vocal cord was looking a little paralyzed, I broke down (not to worry, I got a cold in Europe and lost my voice, consequently, traveling and having to talk for my job has taken its toll. Now it’s steroids and as much vocal rest as possible while working). Well, in attempt to be totally transparent, I confess, I was trying to take care of everything myself, trying to control every little situation which I really had and have no control over. I was tired and I forgot for a split second that God was on my side. What woke me up you ask? Well, after yesterday’s appointment I was driving back to work and it was pouring rain. I decided to drive up to my first account and pull a ‘Gene Kelly.’ You know, great singer-dancer-actor from the 1950’s…Singing in the Rain, An American in Paris, etc. Yup, I blasted the music, cracked my window and danced in the rain in the parking lot (remember I’m a dancer who studied dance from youth through college). I loved it! First off, you know I love music, but it got my heart pumping and my adrenaline going and that simple act of craziness for less than a minute made me laugh and realize the joy of living…God is with me through the mountains and the valleys. So as I enter my season of testing again (ultrasound, PET scan, MRI…), I go with a smile.

Dancing on the streets of Paris with a breakdance crew

Every day is a new day, try something crazy. Today I wear Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Gloss Stain in Cherish. These new gloss stains are pretty awesome. They go on smooth, have great color and unlike most lipstains I’ve tried, they are very moisturizing. I chose this color because it’s pretty for summer and works for all skintones (in my opinion). Also, I love the name, cherish every moment!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Perspective

12 Jul

Alex peeking at the Eiffel Tower around the corner

I just got back from the vacation of a lifetime, almost a week in Paris, then a Mediterranean Cruise through France, Italy, and Spain. It was a memorable trip that we had saved for for awhile. My whole family went along with my mother-in-law. When we arrived in the Barcelona airport after 14 days of travel to finally return home, we were informed that our flight was cancelled and we would have to stay another day. My oldest son immediately replied, ‘of course it’s cancelled, everything that could go wrong, has.’ Funny enough, for a split second I had no idea why he said that, then I remembered the fine details which my mind had already blocked out.
First, our flight out was delayed an hour because as the pilot inspected our plane, some type of fluid went into his eye and he couldn’t fly so we had to wait for another pilot. When the new pilot arrived we were delayed another half an hour because an overhead bin got stuck and we had to wait for maintenance to fix it. After flying all night, we arrived in Paris at 7am were dropped off at an apartment complex with no instructions. At 8, we were able to reach the rental company who told us that we were at a different apartment than they had originally assigned (which they hadn’t informed the driver of) and our new one would not be ready until 4pm. With map in hand we had to find their office to leave our luggage until our place was ready; so, after flying all night we walked all day through downtown Paris. On the third day in Paris the water in our place shut down, yup, six people, no running water…no showers, flushing toilets, drinking water, etc; it didn’t start again for about a day and a half. In the meantime we decided to pay for a hotel room a block away just to take showers and brush our teeth (and it wasn’t cheap). Our last day in Paris I was robbed, this event I do remember. Fortunately, I had emptied my wallet and only had my drivers license, two credit cards and some cash…it was still traumatic. Leaving Paris for Barcelona we flew on a small European airline. Unexpectedly we had to pay for each of our bags and had no assigned seats. Anyhow, I’m sure there were other things that happened on our trip but they are now a distant memory. Literally, when my son said that statement, all I could remember that was bad was my wallet being stolen.

What I do remember is how beautiful and different everyplace was, all the history and the people. I remember our bike tour of Paris and was thankful that as we sped around the crowded city for three hours none of us got hit by a car and that none of us hit a pedestrian. I remember trying on lipstick (how could I resist) at a large Parisian department store and dancing in the streets with a group of breakdancers in front of a whole group of people. I remember being amazed by all the artwork in the Louvre, seeing Mona Lisa, and an original Monet. I remember being in awe of all the churches and the Roman ruins, the beauty of Gaudi architecture. It was incredible,  I also met some awesome people with great stories.
It’s perspective right? As we were funneled to different hotels because of the flight cancellation we met a couple who said everything went wrong on their vacation, lost luggage, cancelled flight, etc. the husband even said he wouldn’t leave the US again. How sad, no good memories? It’s all how you look at it. What could have been changed? What were you in control of? My vacation was awesome. We spent quality family time, we saw artwork and touched buildings we had only read about. The things that happened were only minor and we all walked away unscathed and richer for the experience. Life is a series of circumstances that we have to make the best of, so why not?

Today I wear Buxom Big and Healthy Lipstick in Barcelona. First, I LOVE this lipstick. It’s like a fat crayon but unlike some of the others, it’s MOISTURIZING and stays put!!  I chose Barcelona because it was one of the cities we went to that I loved but also because this color is candy red!  To Life!!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Strength

29 Jun

20120629-204705.jpg

I’ve been thinking about this topic for awhile. I had cancer and tried to stay positive throughout the battle against the disease, my body,and my attitude. I admit it got tougher each time the cancer came back. People called me strong, courageous, etc., but in my mind I did what I had to do because I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. What is real strength? To me, it takes strength to keep your mouth shut when what you say could be hurtful, it takes strength to tell people you’re sorry, to swallow your pride and forgive, and even more strength and courage to tell someone you love them. All of these are instances where you lay your heart on the line whether the feelings are reciprocated or not, all can be overwhelming for the recipient and all can be life changing for both. This is the human condition. We are made for relationships. Words are powerful and this kind of strength can take some practice. Life is short, start now.

Today I wear Tom Ford lipstick in Casablanca. These lipsticks are ultra luxurious (expensive too). This is a gorgeous pinky brown color that’s both moisturizing and full of color. I chose it because I bought it in Paris and the movie was full of words unspoken….today’s the day. Here’s looking at you kid…..

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

One Week

22 Jun

Two days ago I had writer’s block, I didn’t feel like there was anything interesting enough going on to write about. Last night I assessed the events over the past week and realized so many things have happened in just one week. A week ago my kids finished school. It was a landmark year for two of my kids because one is now officially going to be a freshman in high school and the other will be a 7th grader in Junior High which leaves my youngest child going into fourth grade and the last one in elementary school. The sad part is that he will no longer be in the same building with either of his siblings for the rest of his school career. Over the weekend my daughter had her dance recital. After a year of hard work learning and perfecting a dance, she had three shows over two days. She did great and was beautiful up on the stage. Three days ago my 9 year old had his second playoff game and lost. It was a great season and he was asked to be on the all star tournament team which made him happy. Unfortunately, we will be on vacation for a few of the games so he won’t be able to join the team this year. Last night my oldest son had his last game of the season. Although they lost by one point in the last inning, he had some great plays and ended on a good note. Add to those events my two boys going to basketball camp daily and my daughter going to a few swimming/birthday parties….well, kids keep you busy!

On a serious note, six days ago, my youngest son had a seizure. It’s only happened once before and it was frightening. It happened in the middle of the night and fortunately my oldest, who shares a room with him, heard him and woke us up. As we watched his little body convulse, I couldn’t help but cry. The following day he was tired but normal. Yesterday he had some brain wave testing done and something was abnormal on the test so today he is having a brain MRI. I am reminded once again of how things can change in an instant. I remember when I got the call that I had cancer, in just one sentence, ten seconds, over the phone my life forever changed. When it’s your child, hearing something bad is even worse. At least with me, I know I have the strength to do what it takes but for my son, I want to be able to fix it for him. Last night after the game we were all in the car driving home and we saw this rainbow.

 I was so thankful because it was a reminder to me that there’s always hope and God always has a plan. In the meantime, I thank all of you for your support and would appreciate prayers! Today I am wearing Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter Balm in Red Velvet. I LOVE these lip butters because they are so moisturizing and have lots of color as well. Loreal also has their version of lip butters which I also like, but the colors are very neutral while Revlon has some bolder colors. I chose Red Velvet because it’s red, also, while we were at the doctor’s office yesterday I was reading a magazine talking about ‘your cupcake personality’. I asked Alex which cupcake fit his personality and he said, “Red Velvet!”

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Looking Ahead

11 Jun

This weeks topic for my blog group GBE2 is, ‘if I had my life to live over…’. Well,this one’s tough for me because I generally don’t like to look back, I like to move forward with no regrets. Every day we are faced with decisions to make from the simple things like what to have for breakfast to the major things like, should I take that job. Sometimes we make quick decisions without thinking through all the consequences. From my examples, if I eat brownies for breakfast (which I have done before), it could be a downward spiral to terrible eating for weeks or at least a high sugar day leading to a serious crash at night. In terms of career,well, sometimes something sounds great but we don’t weigh how a certain job may affect our quality of life, insurance, etc. There are so many decisions to make on a constant basis.

In terms of the original question, I can’t really answer. I feel I am accountable for my decisions whether I feel I’ve made a mistake or not, and I have to follow through without looking back. I don’t believe in entertaining ‘what ifs’ because that would make me crazy. I choose to look forward, cancer was a wake up call to live today and not look back. Looking forward I want to love more (even though it makes me more vulnerable), I want to stress less, I want to laugh…ALOT, and I want to wake up each morning with a grateful heart and the breathless anticipation that something awesome can happen that day, even if I have to initiate it.

Today I wear Buxom Big and HealthyLip Cream in Berry Blast. First of all, I LOVE all the Buxom lipglosses. The colors are beautiful and they add a slight tingle to your lips when you put them on. These Lip Creams have a sheer wash of color and are not sticky at all, also, the creams have no sparkles or shimmer, they just hve that ‘glossy’ look. Berry Blast looks like a hot ping fuschia in the tube but it is a perfect color for summer; It adds a sheer pop of pink to your lips. I chose Berry Blast because that’s how I want everyday to be…a blast!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Laughing still…

7 Jun

As a college freshman my roomate asked me to color and highlight her hair. Here’s the deal, I am TERRIBLE at any type of hairstyling. I couldn’t pull off my hair curled under when the ‘Dorothy Hamill’ was in, I couldn’t do the ‘Farrah Faucett’ feathered look, I couldn’t even get my bangs to stand up when that was in. I was so thankful when perms were in in the late 80’s because I of course was in line to get one. I finally had big hair that I didn’t have to mess with. Anyhow, I told her to ask someone else. I distinctly remember her saying, “It’s easy…I don’t care if it’s a little uneven because highlights should be scattered anyhow.” OK. I put the gloves on and got to work. About an hour later when her hair was dry and styled, the front looked awesome if I have to say so myself, but when she turned around…oops. The back of her hair was blond and highlighted to about the middle of her head, the rest, well, a bit darker with no highlights. When she grabbed the mirror and looked, she laughed and said, ‘cool.’ I was off the hook.

Now that I’m older and have a few strands of gray, I have started coloring my hair but only once or twice a year by a professional. I have long hair which is black/brown and pretty simple. Well, something possessed me as I was at Target and I thought to myself, ‘How hard can it be?’ Why pay $50 when I can buy a box for $6, it’s not like I get highlights or anything complicated, just one color. Now, I know millions of women do this all the time, but take into account my hair history. So, I bought what I thought was a black/brown (what happened to the fake hair pieces they used to have hanging as samples?) and last night at about 10:30, I started. It was a comedy of errors. Remember, I have long hair, so when I was done with the top and sides I couldn’t see the back so I just reached. It was a TOTAL mess. I reached for a clip to keep my top hair out of the way and got dye on my sink and toothbrush, the color container fell into the sink after jugglng it with the plastic gloves and slipping, color was dripping down my forehead as I bent forward trying to get to the bottom of the back of my head. Then, when I went to rinse in my kids’ bathtub (they have a removable shower head), I sprayed myself in the face when I was trying to rinse the front. After I was done rinsing I stood up and looked at the mirror behind me and had to laugh. Apparently the water I sprayed in my face went past me and sprayed their mirror, counter, sinks, etc…water was everywhere and I looked ridiculous. I was by myself, wet from head to toe, hair, towels, and water everywhere. Thank goodness my husband was not home and the kids were asleep. I assessed the damage and could not stop laughing. Oh yeah, and the color I got was too dark,for those familiar with Elvira…yup.

Oh well, here’s the lesson, don’t take yourself too seriously. I laughed for a good 15 minutes at myself and it felt great. Sometimes we are not able to laugh at little mishaps and let things go. Those things not only drag you down for the moment but if you dwell, they will always drag you down. Laugh and learn, then move on.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Allure Extrait De Gloss in Exces. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that right now for me, this is close to perfection. This gloss is shiny, moist, and long wearing. The colors are beautiful and although it’s a gloss, it has the perfect amount of color. The color I chose today is a sheer cherry red on my lips, I love it. Cheers!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

High School

5 Jun

My awesome son about to enter his high school years

Next week my oldest child finishes eighth grade, since our school district has junior high instead of middle school, his first year, or freshman year, of high school will be in the same building…7th-9th grade. I’m thankful because there’s a huge difference in my mind between 14 and 18 years of age. I can’t believe I am a parent of a high schooler because I feel like I was just there, sad thinking that we are on our last leg with him before he officially becomes an adult. I went to a huge high school graduating in a class of 700+ students in my grade alone. When I started high school I was super shy, smart, skinny and pimply. It’s funny because thinking back, one of my goals was to be asked to go to the Homecoming dances and prom, and one of my main focuses was hoping not only to make new friends, but to possibly have my first real boyfriend…scary yes,obviously my focus was on boys. I wonder what may be on my son’s mind, I’m sure it all academics and sports, not girls at all….

Anyhow, high school, my teachers, and the changes and challenges that happened there have helped mold me into the person I am today. I sang and played the piano in a talent show in 10th grade and that is when I met Mrs Christy who asked me to join the choir (I think to my mother’s dismay). My mom was purely focused on education and college and thought that music would distract me….well it did, but I still went on to college, career, etc… My decision to join the choir led me to some awesome friendships, to musicals, and helped me truly enjoy my high school experience. My science teacher Mrs Smith introduced me to the beauty of chemistry and physics which I still love too. I had my first true love during high school and my first heartbreak. I learned leadership skills as Vice President of Student Senate and got a varsity letter from playing on the tennis team. I was never the most popular or the most beautiful, but me and my big hair had a blast. I recently found my journal from my senior year (I’ve kept a journal since 4th grade). It was filled with stories and emotions, most of which I had forgotten. It made me laugh and cry and it also gave me more memories and insights into what my kids are about to experience. The world is a different place now so boy will I be praying! All I know is that I had great friends, not too many worries, and parents and teachers who believed in me and encouraged me; and yes, I had a prom date (even though my teacher set us up two weeks beforehand…long story for another day).

What more could we ask for, even today? We’re still the same right? We all need great friends who support us (refer to last posting), and bosses and managers who believe in us and encourage us. I will do my best for my kids as well as the people I encounter. There is enough negative in the world, have you watched the news lately? Let’s try to be the positive.

Today I choose Covergirl Continuous Color Lipstick in Iced Mauve. I chose Covergirl because it’s probably what I could afford in high school with my mall job salary(although I was not really allowed to wear make up except for shows). This color is a light pinky mauve with a little shimmer. I found a picture of my senior year spring break in San Diego with three of my friends. We were not really allowed to go to Daytona Beach where all the crazy high schoolers went, but we were able to stay with my cousin in SD for a week…ummm, we still had fun. Anyhow, this shade of lipstick reminded me of that because it looks to be the color we are all wearing in one of my pics (remember that time Melissa? Crazy). I do like Covergirl lipstick and this formula is very moisturizing. My only issue is that I  can’t really try before I buy so it ends up being a waste of money. To all the parents with future high schoolers…cheers and good luck!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Break Up

2 Jun

How do you break up with a friend? Sorry to start off as a downer, but it’s something I’ve been struggling with for awhile. There are several things that I have a difficult time tolerating post cancer. Things such as stressing over things you can’t change, complaining about things that cannot be changed (if there’s something you don’t like either walk away from it or try to be the change factor), people who’s glass is always half empty (pessimism really brings me down), judgement without knowledge,etc. Anyhow, I have been friends with someone for awhile now and for whatever reason our relationship has changed. I know relationships go through changes, but I can’t put a finger on when or how this one changed, but it is no longer something I want to be a part of. After years of get togethers we cannot seem to get past the surface level of conversation and our friendsip has become stressful. I feel as if it’s a competition and our meetings make me feel like she’s trying to somehow ‘one-up’ me, her tone a little condescending. I am to the point that I only ask her questions about herself and I barely share information about me (she doesn’t seem to notice). Well, life is short and I don’t want friendships to be stressful, it’s not a competition. Can you tell I’m struggling with this?

The other side of the story is this, she was a great friend, supported me through all of the cancer stuff, but now that I’m healthy again, well, things have changed. When I try to share something I’m struggling with or even something I’m excited about, she seems to blow it off and turn it into a conversation about how awesome she’s doing…what’s the point? Well, another thing on my mind is this, it is very difficult for a woman in her 40’s to make new friends because many women in this age group already have their core friendships. Not that I don’t have any other friends but it seems silly to drop one and look for another. I’m not looking for a replacement really, I’m just struggling with her. It’s too hard to be her friend…did I mention everything in her life is always perfect? Oh yes, never a problem with her, her kids, her marriage, etc,  in all the years I’ve known her…always 99.9% awesome, maybe that’s why it’s been hard getting under surface level.

Oh well, I just wanted to vent and ask for advice today. Obviously this weighs heavy on my heart. Do I just ignore the invitations, text messages, etc? There are complicating factors to that but I can’t get into it. No worries, she doesn’t read my blog, too busy.

For today I use Dior Addict Lip Glow. This is by far one of my most favorite lip balms. It moisturizes and brings out the natural color of your lips, it’s awesome. I chose it because I believe that friendship should be similar,sheer enough to reveal the real you, but a good friend brings out your natural ‘colors’ and make them shine.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →