Tag Archives: breathing

My Birthday

25 Oct

Annababy

Today is my birthday. It is bittersweet for me because I am still thinking about my friend ‘B’ from my last blog. Yesterday, for my job, I had to go to the place I met ‘B’ and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about all that transpired there. I walked in with a heavy heart thinking I was walking in healthy this time, while he walked out just days before with his news. It’s really a lot of emotions. One thing I know about ‘B’ is he really knew how to live. Cancer was not the only obstacle he faced in life. He was in the Vietnam War, he was a POW, he had a stroke prior to his cancer diagnosis…so much, and he constantly told me to ‘not sweat the small stuff’ and to hold my kids close. It’s so simple yet we ask for so much, don’t we?

hospitalGrowing up my family was always big on celebrating birthdays. Not necessarily with huge parties, but always recognizing the day and making you feel special. Part of that I think, is when we came from the Philippines when I was two, we didn’t have any other family here. Anytime we could celebrate each other, we did. Birthdays for me post cancer have taken even more meaning; every time I do a Relay for Life Walk, I see T-shirts and signs saying Happy Birthday and they always make me cry. The American Cancer Society’s saying is ‘Creating More Birthdays.’ Yes, it is just a day, but to me, it’s now a day to remember the past and to look forward with hope for the future. It’s also a day I get to re-evaluate my bucket list. When I was younger I had some outrageous dreams and goals many of which I have been able to achieve. Today, I still of course have some crazy dreams that I pray will happen, but my focus is more on the simple. Taking my cue from ‘B’:

  • Don’t sweat the small stuffphoto courtesy of Leanna Vite Photography
  • Open your heart and love people. Yes it hurts more when you hurt, but it’s worth it
  • Don’t take things too seriously, laugh more (even if it’s at yourself)
  • Take more risks
  • Do what you can do, and let go of the rest
  • Listen to people’s stories before judging
  • Be kind, smile often
  • Be a hero
  • Party like it’s 1999 (just kidding…not really)

I also finally have some good news to share…my blood work that I have been waiting for for the first time is CLEAN!! My doctor who’s usually even keeled and calm shouted, ‘I have good news!’ the minute I said ‘hello’. He said my levels are undetectable and then said, see you in a year. A YEAR!! I have been checked every three to six months for the past 5 years and now he says, ‘it’s over, see you next year.’  I’m ecstatic and finally kind of able to take a step back and breathe. So today, I wear one of my favorite red/burgundy lipsticks of all time, Lancôme L’Absolu’ Rouge lipstick in Merlot. I love it because the formula is creamy and not drying, second, the color is a deeper red so my lips are not shouting ‘I’M HERE!’, and third, it’s my birthday and I love a good Merlot. Let’s celebrate life, CHEERS!

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Fall

5 Oct

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It’s October, the beginning of fall in Michigan, my favorite time of year. I love the cooler temperatures, but most of all, I love all the colors. The leaves are changing and falling and it reminds me that life is never stagnant. Life is ever changing and just when you get a little bored, it switches gears again, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. In a few weeks I will be celebrating my birthday. If you look up life expectancy for a female in my area, it is 81 years old. So, considering my age, my life is half over….depressing. Since I am an optimist…wow, I still have almost half my life yet to live (sounds better don’t you think?). This past week has been pretty big for me. Last Wednesday I attended the TEDxDetroit conference and it was awesome. For those unfamiliar with TED, it is a gathering of leaders, creators, entrepeneurs, artists who meet and share their passions and positive ideas for change. I have to admit I felt a little out of place, it seemed too big for me to be there, but I’m so glad I went. Afterward, I thought, why not me? each person there was exactly that…one person desiring change and trying to make a difference…so, why not me…why not you? Some of the great quotes I heard ,‘Take care of your fears or they will own you,’~ John U. Bacon; ‘Experience life changes….allow them to affect you, change you, guide you,’ ~Nathan Hughes; ‘The job of a leader is to define reality,’~ Jackie Victor. There was so much energy and inspiration there and it was there to push each of us to be catalysts, I’m ready, how about you?

Attendees at TEDxDetroit

Attendees at TEDxDetroit

Also this week it was test time for me again, yes, that small reminder that I had cancer. It’s not bad, a couple weeks ago the breast cancer stuff was clean, and now was a general neck test. I did the regular exam in which my doc said, ‘You look healthy, but then again, you always look healthy, cancer or no cancer.’ OK, kinda comforting. Anyhow, after 3 vials of blood, I wait. One of the tests, if you have been reading my blog for some time, is a test that’s only done on very few people because not only was my cancer rare, but I also carry an antibody which messes up the regular blood test that would be able to detect my cancer. In fact, this test was only approved by the FDA last year. Because of that, this blood test is only run once every few weeks so I should be getting the results in 3-4 weeks…or somewhere near my birthday, excellent. Can’t worry about nothing right now! To be completely transparent, my mind’s been all over the place lately…still struggling with the personal issue I referenced awhile back along with new-ish job, cancer check ups, etc; but as always life moves forward. In one of the most watched talks on TED titled ‘How To Live Before You Die’, Steve Jobs says, ‘Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be  trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most  important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.’  Ask any cancer patient and boy do we know our time is limited! I look back at my 40+ (whoops, almost revealed my age), and I’ve made some mistakes, some bad choices, some good; the great thing is, is I can look forward with lessons and experiences from my past, knowing full well that my time is limited and continue on with courage in my ‘second half’.

Today I wear Dior Addict Gloss in Princess. I LOVE all the Dior lipsticks and glosses. The lipsticks are extremely moisturizing and the colors are beautiful. The glosses are not heavy or sticky yet they have pretty good staying power. The color Princess is light pink with a little bit of sparkle, something you would picture Cinderella wearing. I chose this color because it’s simple. I’ve been wearing alot of red lately, but today I chose simple because that’s how I want to be today, simply at peace. Cheers!

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Living

15 Sep

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Well, the first of my cancer checks is in and it’s clean! This past week I had an ultrasound/biopsy looked at for a ‘funny looking’ lymph node under my arm and it was clean! One step closer to a clean bill of health for another 6 months! Next up, blood work and possible ultrasound for my neck…the original sight of my cancer…sigh, one day at a time. This was also a big week for my kids. My oldest got his first job!! I am so proud and happy for him. He worked hard to become a Red Cross certified lifeguard over the summer and just got a lifeguarding job locally. Considering it was his first actual job interview, he was nervous and was asking what kind of questions they may ask, but he did it! I have a working child! After practicing all summer long for a sport she never played, Audrey made the volleyball team. Again, another proud moment. She is my strong-willed and determined child and once she sets her mind on something she goes for it. She knew she wanted to be on the team so she literally carried a volleyball around the house all summer and practiced non-stop. Well, last week, out of the 40+ that tried out, she made it on the team! Let’s see, what was Alex’s big moment? He started as the quarterback for his flag football team, but was cut short because a player grabbed his thumb instead of the ball and…well, he tore his ligament. Fortunately, it was his left hand and not his throwing hand, so after a week of ‘healing’, he was playing again yesterday, splint on one hand but throwing a touchdown pass with the other. They’re all so different and special.

Life continues to move forward no matter how much I want it to stand still at times. Recently a friend asked when exactly a cancer patient feels somewhat free of cancer, that moment when you start forgetting. I thought about it, and I think it’s never. It’s been almost three years for me (not without some scares in between of course), and it’s still on my mind. It may not be as prevalent as it used to be, but every time I get a sore throat, a cough, a weird ache or pain, I wonder. Every check up, ultrasound, PET scan, bloodwork, I still hold my breath; and then there’s the scar I see everytime I look in the mirror. It’s not bad, I just see all those things as reminders of not only what I’ve been through, but also helps me focus on how I want my life to be. Life is fleeting…Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say…, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.~Pope Paul VI We are not invincible, we are all dying. Because of that situation happening personally, I am struggling to find joy and peace. I know they’re there but sometimes relationships or circumstances continue to grate at you and steal it away. Looking at my picture of the Eiffel Tower above, I know that looking up from the bottom is overwhelming, but getting to the top is always achievable. Again, life is short, so I will continue to grab at the small bits of joy, peace, and hope for a better tomorrow, however brief those moments may be until I can breathe again. I continue looking up. Thank you all for your support and for continuing to follow my lipstick journey!lips

Today I wear Rimmel Kate Lasting Finish Lipstick in #111, Kiss Of Life. These lipsticks are matte but not too drying so I don’t mind them with a little bit of lip balm (on this I would use Philosophy, Kiss Me), or gloss. This color is RED and I mean classic, bright, blue red (at least on me). Remember what I said last week about my lips not entering the room before me? Well, when I wear this, I think my lips would be in the room the day before I got there. Sometimes a gal just needs a good red and you gotta love the name, Kiss of Life! Cheers!

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Busy Busy

8 Sep

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This week was a long week and I’m exhausted (as usual). You would think it was easy because Monday was a holiday and I had the day off! Well, Tuesday was the first day of school for my three kids. For the first time they are at three different schools; high school, junior high, and elementary. That basically means that one gets up at 5:30 am, one at 6:30, and one at 7:30….which also means, mom is awake by 5:30 making sure things are running smoothly for all of them while also getting ready for work.  Sigh….they grow up so fast. Remember in one of my last blogs I mentioned September was the month of all my check up appointments? Well, this week I saw a breast surgeon (from my breast cancer scare last March). She did the exam and said that everything looked good for now which was a relief. At the end, she rolled in her ultrasound machine and checked my lymph nodes under my arm and found one that looked a little suspicious, similar to what they saw on the PET scan last March so to be safe, I am going to do another ultrasound at the hospital with a possible biopsy…fun times….and I haven’t even gotten my neck checked yet!

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Fall in Michigan brings a change in seasons, cooler temperatures, and allergies, which for me means a little diffiulty breathing. That’s ok, I’ll survive, it’s just that constant reminder (along with the scar on my neck) on what I’ve been through and how far I’ve come. Life is constantly changing like the seasons and every season brings the unknown. We make different choices that lead us in different directions every moment of every day; some good and some bad; but isn’t that what makes life an adventure? I referenced before that I am going through a difficult personal situation, top that with my tests and a new job, life can be a little overwhelming lately. One awesome thing this week was that I was assigned to be an angel mentor to someone going through a similar cancer journey through an organization called Imerman Angels. If you need support or would like to be a mentor, I suggest you look at their website! I appreciate your constant prayers and encouragement, but I do love living the adventure with no fear because I know God has a plan. I think I used this quote in my book, or maybe just on this blog, but I love it:  Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.~ Corrie Ten Boom.  Life is crazy, fun, exciting, and heartbreaking…..what a great adventure!

Today I wear Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in my favorite fall/winter color Merlot. This is a warm, wine-red that is my go to red. I love the color because it is not too bright and doesn’t make me feel like my lips are entering the room before me. I also love that this lisptick is moisturizing too. Lastly, I love a good Merlot…Cheers!

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Humpty Dumpty

29 Aug

humpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again. (English Rhyme, origin unknown)

This rhyme came to me the other day as I was thinking about where I am today and where I came from, strange I know. Why? Lots of reasons. How many times can you get hurt or ‘break’ before there are too many broken parts to repair? There’s a lot of talk about courage and strength with cancer and cancer recovery, but there’s another side. For as much strength it builds within you, I think there may be an equal amount of ‘weakness’ and vulnerability. The first time cancer came, I felt my pseudo-strong exterior crack a little; with the bad prognosis initially, the crack deepened. When cancer came back a second and third time, more cracks, with each scare in between either from something visible on PET scan, ultrasound, or abnormal blood work, crack, crack, crack. I have to admit that I went through a very dark period earlier this year when the news that instead of cancer coming back in my neck, it may have been in my breast (which is now on watch too). The cracks brought me deeper and I felt irreparable, my normal positive attitude and tough exterior left me.

But this can happen with  more than cancer right? A relationship, a boss, a friend or acquaintance…words and actions can cause these cracks and breaks in your hard shell of an exterior and break your heart. I recently drove by a store called The Self Esteem Shop, no, really. I’m sure the store has many valuable resources, but can you buy self-esteem? I wish. Are you born with self esteem issues? Not that I know of. So where does that come from? Words and actions from others causing those cracks along the way with you believing them. So what does one do when you feel broken? You thank God for how he designed you and you surround yourself with people who love and believe in you because they are your ‘glue’. Am I the same as I was after constantly being ‘glued’ back together? Not really but I actually think I may be stronger (and weaker) than ever. My weak self lets me grieve the things cancer took away from me. My vulnerable self allows me to still let people in. The strength emerging from the cracks is overwhelming. I want to live life. If you’ve been broken, there’s always hope. God made you and loves you; and don’t forget that you also have the power of words and actions that can cause peace or pain…you decide.

“Words are like eggs dropped from great heights; you can no more call them back than ignore the mess they leave when they fall.” ― Jodi Picoult

Today I wear Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in F-Bomb…speaking of words…sorry. Urban Decay has not exactly been known for their lipstick, I have always loved their eyeliners, fun colors and they stay put. They just came out with these highly pigmented and super moisturizing lipsticks and they are pretty nice! I chose this color because it is a classic red (and partly for the name). It’s hard sometimes to find a creamy red vs. a red that dries out your lips. This one’s great!  Cheers!

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I’m No Popeye

18 Aug

www.freepik.com

Does everyone know who Popeye the sailor man is, or am I that old already?  Anyhow, the gist is this, he was a small statured sailor who, when strength was necessary, would eat a can of spinach then BOOM, killer biceps and all the strength he needed to conquer his obstacle. Favorite phrase, ‘I am what I am.’ If it were only that easy. When I was battling cancer over and over people were commenting on how strong and how brave I was, especially when it kept coming back. Like I’ve said before, what were my other choices? Hide under the covers in bed? No thank you. Right now, to be completely transparent, I am currently going through a difficult personal situation which I’ve shared with only a few people and again, I am hearing the word strength being thrown around. Here’s the thing, being strong is exhausting and I don’t have a magical can of spinach to help me get through, wish I did. So here I am, tired. Tired of continually moving forward, tired of being strong, just worn out. There’s a song that I keep listening to and I feel the words (since I’m such a music lover, I can always find a song). It’s called Worn by Tenth Ave North, Here’s the other thing, remember that triathlon I was a part of in June? True confessions…I just recently got my sneakers back out and I have to say, it felt pretty good to be active again. Another thing weighing on my mind is next month I will be going through all my testing again. I don’t want to. I always have a little anxiety when it’s time for cancer check up because on average the news has been more bad than good. This is my first time going 6 months in between checks and it was a nice break. So, because of everything else going on, I don’t want to know, like I said, I’m already exhausted. So what’s left….the things I do know. Although I don’t have magic spinach, I have friends and family that love me and continue to support and encourage me, and I have a loving God who is bigger than any trouble or trial; that is more than enough. For today, I am going to stay in ‘suspend’, not focused on my testing, or moving forward, just staying still (except for when I put my sneakers back on later to work out again). Sorry for being a downer. Be still, and know that I am God-Ps 46:10

Today I wear Chantecaille Lip Chic lipstick in Heirloom. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these lipsticks. They have great color and are super moisturizing. The texture is fantastic! I am slowly transtioning from the summer glosses and shades to yes, fall. I chose Heirloom mainly because of the color. It is a berry/plum color which is right on target for fall, an even deeper shade that I love is Calla Lilly. Generally, you can’t go wrong with these. Try them out, Cheers!

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Words

12 Aug

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Hi Again! Last week I spent the week away training with other new people for my new job. It’s always a great time meeting new people, hearing about their backgrounds and what they’ve been through to get them where they are today. What I find interesting is that usually, what you see and assume about a person is different than what’s inside. Very cool. Anyhow, there were 6 of us for the week, mostly in the same position but from different parts of the country. Since we spent so much time together we really got to know each other, which made training much more fun. On the way home my flight was delayed a couple hours so I ended up talking to a young woman from Ethiopia for a while. She didn’t share too much except that she has only been living here a couple years and had three jobs in between going to college. We spoke of different challenges we both are facing in our lives and I was amazed at both her calm and grateful spririt. You know it’s good when you walk away from someone feeling a little uplifted and still smiling.

On the airplane I sat next to a woman who was constantly writing letters on notecards. I finally broke down and asked her if she had a million penpals and she told me that once a month she likes to send out letters of encouragement to people she knows. About the same time the flight attendant asked if we wanted a drink and before she asked for anything she told the flight attendant how warm and beautiful his smile was. This flight was the last of the night, it was full, and it was delayed. This flight attendant’s face lit up and was so grateful for the compliment. He stood and spoke with us a few extra minutes and we both ended up with pretzels, peanuts, and cookies! She turned to me and said, ‘See? Just a little encouragement’. I have to admit it, I love it too. To be encouraged, smiled at, complimented, we all need it, right?

So, from the people I met in training, to the girl from Ethiopia, then the lady in seat 5A, words and encouragement matter to everyone, don’t forget. “Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts…”
― Robert Fulghum

Today I wear Nars lipstick in Shanghai Express. These lipsticks are great. The semi-matte formulas are creamy but with staying power. I chose this color because it’s brick red…yes, i’m feeling the red again. Cheers!

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Vacation

15 Jul

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I’m back! My family has just returned from the longest vacation in our history. I use the term ‘vacation’ loosely because if you’re a mom, you know you’re always working. Anyhow, we toured the East Coast via automobile; Niagara Falls, Boston, New York City, Newport,RI, Baltimore, Washington DC, Virginia Beach, then ending with a whitewater rafting trip in the mountains of West Virginia. Yes, 5 people in an SUV, 2 of which are teens (with one able to drive as well). Did I sleep much…nah. Was it crazy fun? I still need to take a step back and soak in all we’ve done. I have to say the trip was diverse; from a baseball game at historic Fenway Park, to a Broadway show; from staying in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC to sleeping in a tent with no electricity or running water in the mountains. I just now looked at the 300 pictures I took and I had to laugh. This vacation I decided to take a different approach to picture taking. Instead of all smiles (which you see all the time), I wanted to go ‘real’. I decided to take the frustrated, angry, bored, etc pictures as well as the smiley ones. By the time we got to Boston, my daughter caught on to what I was doing and when she had the camera she did the same. Looking at the pictures just now, the ‘real’ ones are the ones that are cracking me up. Sure, the other pics document great moments and smiling faces, but the others, well, they document what was really happening at times, and the expressions of true feelings, well, priceless. I would include some of my pics but I think certain family members may not be that happy with me if I did.2013-07-13 19.07.46

How many of you have vacation pictures where everyone is all smiles? Everyone I’m sure. It’s the in between moments that I wanted to capture, the ‘real’ stuff, it’s what I crave. Sometimes I get sick of all the facades people put up. It gets tiring. I’m tired myself sometimes of portraying a pretty picture. That’s not how life is all the time is it? The best part of vacation for me? Spending all that time with my kids, talking with them and really getting deep, especially with my older two. If you have teens you know that they start getting quiet and start spending more and more time with friends instead of you. This time was precious to me getting to know their struggles and their thoughts on various worldly issues that teens go through. All in all it was a good vacation; a little long for me because I’m kind of a homebody, but good. So what do my pictures say? What do people think when they look at you? Smiles are great, but being ‘real’ is even better.2013-07-06 00.29.30

Today I wear Carmex strawberry with SPF 15 because it’s all I wore on vacation. In fact, we had to stop at Walgreen and buy more. I try to be pretty low maintenance when I travel so it’s usually just tinted sunscreen and lip balm…talk about real…real scary that is! Cheers!

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Strength and Courage

28 May

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Strength and courage. These are two words cancer fighters hear all the time. ‘You are so strong, so much courage to go through what you are going through…’ During ‘the fight’ we have no choice but to be strong and courageous fighting this enemy attacking our bodies. These are good words, and for me a constant encouragement to hear, empowering me to fight and conquer. Again, there was no choice, either be strong, courageous, and fight, or wither away and wallow in self pity…yeah, that sounds fun. Anyhow, I looked up the definitions:

Strength: The state of being strong, the power to resist attack; durability

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain

Yes to both, cancer/illness fighters need both. What about after the fight? I am finding that having strength and courage after the fight, trying to adjust to a new normal, while also adjusting from some of the side effects psychologically along with treatment side effects, is just as difficult. Cancer opens your eyes and heart to a whole new world and not all of it is ‘rosy’. I see things with a different perspective (obviously), I have a longing to live life to the fullest, to love and understand people and where they come from, for my kids to be just as excited about life as I am despite an ever-changing and not always positive society. What if when your eyes are open, you don’t like everything you see? Well, it takes even more strength and courage to make changes and to be the change; to stand up for what you believe in and move forward despite the constant scare of cancer. I know this sounds like alot of jibberish but my mind and heart have been swirling. We all live with a type of ‘cancer’ don’t we? Something that grates on our nerves, a job, a co-worker, a situation. Open your eyes and heart and live. There is a certain power to being vulnerable with people. It is scary but be strong and courageous, we need that from each other.

Deuteronomy 31:6  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Today I wear Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lipgloss in Stunner. This gloss is a bright magenta color in the tube. It’s a super moist but not sticky lipgloss that has a good amount of shine and color on lips…I LOVE it! This color happens to be enough of a pop of color for me and because I have a bit of a plum tone to my lips already, this looks like a sheer pop of berry on me! Cheers!

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Lonely

20 May

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Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

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