Tag Archives: breathing

Change

7 Oct

This week my oldest son had to have hand surgery. His hand was in an awkward position grabbing the ball at his basketball game and it wasn’t until a couple days later when the swelling came down that we found out there was an actual spiral fracture in his hand. As I sat in the hospital room watching the staff put an IV in his arm and hook him up to the machines to monitor his heart rate and blood pressure prior to the surgery, I decided that I like it much better on the other side. As a parent it is VERY difficult watching your child go through something bad, even if it’s just a small fracture in his hand. A few months ago my youngest had a seizure and had to go through an MRI to rule out a possible brain tumor. Yes, I would rather it have been me. Despite the fact that I have been in the hospital more than I would have liked over the past few years because of cancer, I would gladly take the place of any of my children. Thankfully there was no brain tumor and although my older son is sad he could not finish out this fall basketball season with his team, he will be able to play again. I am constantly reminded how quickly things can change. One minute we’re packing for vacation, the next, my youngest is getting an MRI for a possible brain tumor. One minute my son is having the best game so far this season, the next, his hand is broken and is now out for the rest of the season.

As we approach fall in Michigan the air has dramatically cooled down and the leaves are changing colors. It’s a beautiful season here and probably my most favorite. The evening sky has taken on some beautiful hues of orange and red and the ‘cold’ sky is beautiful as well, sometimes it overwhelms me, God is so good. One thing’s for sure, change is inevitable. The leaves will fall, the plants will die and in the spring, they will bloom again. Life is like that, right? Always changing…a new job, a new baby, illness, etc. We can never get too comfortable but why would we want to? Shouldn’t life be an adventure with both good and bad to shape us? Change allows us to experience and grow in all our emotions but most of all change gives us a chance to test our courage and grow

“And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.” -Libba Bray

Today I wear Nars Larger Than Life lip gloss in Viva which is a rose color. Nars is traditionally awesome for lipsticks and lipgloss and this is a newer formulation. These glosses have lots of color and lots of shine. Viva is an easy neutral that I think anyone can wear.These glosses are a little sticky but beautiful. I chose this one for the name..Viva…LIVE!!

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Free Coffee

25 Sep

The other day I was in the Starbuck’s drive thru. There were a few people in front of me, but I thought I’d wait. When I got to the window I was told that the man in the car in front of me paid for my drink. Believe it or not, tears started welling up in my eyes, thank goodness I had sunglasses on. I had been having one of those days. You know the ones, nothing seems to be going right, it was cold which meant summer was coming to an end, did not get enough sleep the night before, struggling with work, the kids’ schedules seemed too full, allergy attack, whatever else; I was feeling overwhelmed and was looking for something positive to focus on so I turned to Starbuck’s for the Pumpkin Spice Soy Latte both as comfort and as an afternoon pick-me-up .Well, when the kind stranger paid and drove off, unbeknownst to him, he completely changed my day and my outlook.

We always wonder (at least I do) how we can help change a life for the positive, how to make an impact. For me, that day, it was getting a $4.00+ cup of coffee for free, paid for by a total stranger. It is not always the grandiose ‘Oprah starting a school in Africa’ thing or the ‘sell everything you have and give it to charity’ thing. No, sometimes it’s as small as a smile or a compliment, or even a cup of coffee that could change someone’s moment, day, and life. How crazy is that? I immediately wanted to pay it forward, pay for the next person’s drink, but no one was behind me in the drive thru.

How do we change the world? It may just take that one moment, or be that one small act of kindness.  Show people you care and that they matter, take them by surprise!

Today I wear an old standard for me, Revlon lipstick in Coffee Bean. This is a great shimmery brown with a little bit of a plum undertone. This is a great every day color for most skin tones although it does have a little shimmer. Obviously today I chose it for the name in honor of that cup of coffee. Cheers!

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Bottom

19 Sep

Remember that ice cream treat you would get from the ice cream truck with the bubble gum at the bottom? I would eat that ice cream so fast just to get to the bubblegum (which would lose it’s flavor within 10 seconds); or when you opened that box of Cracker Jacks you couldn’t wait to eat it all so you could get to the prize at the bottom of the box (by the way, the prize is now at the top of the box to conform to our instant gratification world)? Then there are those phrases, ‘save the best for last’, ‘the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow, ‘can’t wait til retirement to do all the things I want to do.’ Why do we rush through things to get to the bottom, the end, retirement?

This week one of the kids I grew up with found out that his wife’s cancer is back. She had breast cancer the year before my cancer and they just found out it is now in her bones. My son came home a couple days ago and said that one of his friends’ dad had a massive heart attack while jogging and passed away that day, he was only 50 years old. Two of my mom’s frends were diagnosed with cancer, one breast, the other prostate. It has been a wild and sad week, which brings me back to what I was talking about in the beginning. Why are we rushing through the days in hopes of the prize at the bottom? Why are we waiting for retirement to enjoy life? Why are we making bucket lists but waiting for the right time? Now is the time. Life is so short and can change in a blink of an eye. When we rush through hoping for the prize at the end, we miss what’s in front of us. Even if the only positive thing in the day is the sun shining…stick your face out there and soak it in. We work and work toward retirement in hopes that that is when we will enjoy our days, well, what if those days never come or what if you’re incapable of doing the things you thought you wanted to do? Again, now is the time. Tackle your bucket list now. Enjoy life now. Tell people you love them now. Hold them close now. 

Today I wear Nars lipgloss in Wonder which is a peachy pink color. Nars lipglosses are not too sticky and depending on the color, fairly sheer. This color looks really peachy, but if your lips have a plum undertone it cancels out the orange and the color shows up as a sheer pop of pale pink, just the right neutral for every day. I chose this color because I like it but I also like the name, shouldn’t we live life in sheer wonder and gratitude for every day we get? Cheers!

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Impulse

12 Sep

Coming home from work today I saw one of those giant flocks of small birds flying in different formations over a field. You know the ones I’m talking about? I think they are sparrows, but literally there are hundreds flying and weaving, landing, turning, it’s quite the sight to see. Against the backdrop of the clear blue sky, it was beautiful. While watching (and driving), I noticed that as they flew in formation, it seemed that one bird would fly on impulse another way; then one, two, a hundred would follow. It occured several times within seconds.

School started last week for my kids and there has been quite a bit of discussion on popularity in my house..with a pre-teen and a teenager, well of course. “Why is so and so popular?”, “what makes people popular?”…oh yeah, I forgot about all of that pressure. I was never the popular one but I was always nice to everyone which made me ‘well known’ in many different groups of my large school. Today when I watched the birds I was able to talk about that to my kids in terms of popularity. I told them that the birds all flew in a cluster but there was always a leader, in a matter of seconds though, another bird would impulsively go a different direction then the cluster would follow. Do you want to be part of the pack following the popular kid (or lead bird) or the one that breaks off and does your own thing, maybe some come along beside you, maybe not, or maybe new people show up? It’s much more fun to do your own thing and not just be a follower, plus, (as evidenced by the birds) the leader lost his status within seconds. Popularity is fleeting and comes and goes like the wind. I told them to stand firm in who they are, follow their passions, and love people. Everyone has a story and a reason, take time to listen and invest in people. It’s hard to be a parent, I’m sure we’ll have this discussion again, maybe I’ll see something else that I can use as an analogy.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Apple Inc.

Speaking of impulsiveness, I have purchased three lipsticks in two days ,one’s going back and another is a refill on my fall favorite. My color for today and the fall favorite I’m talking about is Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in Merlot. This happens to be the perfect deep red shade for me. Also the consistency is VERY moisturizing which I love. This is a lipstick I buy every year for fall and winter and is perfect if you have tan skin. Incidentally a perfect bright red for more of a porcelain to medium skin tone is Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Red Square. It’s an awesome color but unfortunately for me it makes me look like a crazy woman…too bright, sigh, I’ll still wear it.

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Tired

30 Aug

I’m tired. I’m just going to ramble on about different things that have been bothering me so please bear with me. First, I still have not done any bloodwork to confirm or deny tumors…it’s been three weeks but my doctor is finally back from vacation so I will see him soon. Since my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I have had that underlying anger issue, remember (refer to ‘Angry’)?. I am a sales rep, have been for over 20 years. Sure it’s a fine career, but generally speaking, the customer is always first. So…when you are in a bad mood or an ‘angry’ mood, or if you have a bunch of personal issues going on…well, you still have to smile and be on your ‘A’ game…talk about a great paying acting gig, it’s exhausting. I thought I was done acting since switching my degree to science in college. What else…you know those relationships that you think may be solid then all of a sudden you feel a little pushback just when you think you may really need their friendship? yeah. Hmm, I am so busy with the three kids and the school year ramping up again it’s not even funny. One in elementary and one in Jr High and one technically starting high school, throw in there the beginnings of football for the youngest, travel basketball for the oldest, and dance for the middle, etc.., it’s hard to catch my breath. Oh yeah, that’s another thing, with allergy season and of course, all the issues with my neck, it’s hard to breathe. I saw my speech pathologist recently who told me that because of everything I have gone through, including the hemorrhage on my vocal cord which happened on our vacation last month, my remaining vocal cord is weak which explains my breathing and also my weaker voice. She gave me a couple different contraptions I can use in the car to help exercise and strenghthen that area…it’s exhausting.

Can I just sleep for awhile? The other thing is this, I want to still be active but my body does not match up to what my mind thinks it can do. Most of my life there has been at least one person telling me I couldn’t do something. You can’t do this or do that, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, tall enough…whatever. I have always looked at that as the ultimate challenge..PROOVE.THEM.WRONG. Well, surprise, I can’t run like the wind anymore, bike fast, dance like crazy, kickbox because my breathing will not let me and it’s irritating!! I am starting back up in ballet soon because it is the one type of dance I think I can control my breath in. I have also decided to try a few more 5K runs not because I’m stupid or crazy, but because I need to. I want to at least feel like I’m the boss of my body if even just a little bit, plus the wind on my face makes me feel free. Strange, huh? Hard to explain. That’s enough, I’m done. Now to focus on the peace that passes all understanding…Ahhh

Today’s lipstick is Lancome Rouge in Love lipstick in Fiery Attitude. Can you guess why I picked it? anyhow, it’s a beatiful wine color which would be great for fall. These lipsticks have ALOT of pigment and are fairly long lasting. The texture is super light on the lips but again since it’s longer lasting it’s a bit drying for me. Pretty anyway!

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Less Angry

21 Aug

OK. I have calmed down a little from my last post. Yes, I still have some of that underlying anger about my situation and the past four years of cancer toying with my mind and body, but I am starting to calm down (sorry to the CVS pharmacist that I unleashed my anger on).  A few days ago, I was making my usual rounds for work (I’m a sales rep), and one of my customers asked how I was feeling and if there was anything new. I don’t usually share that much with my customers so I was surprised when she asked. I told her about my recent ultrasound and that I was currently going through an ‘angry’ phase. Now, I don’t really know this woman that well because I have only been calling on her about 6 months so honestly, I’m not entirely sure how she knew about my health struggles. Anyhow, she left her desk, sat next to me, and looked me straight in the eye, and with tears in her eyes said, ‘I just found out I have a brain tumor and my operation is Tuesday (today)’. She said it was an ear ache that wouldn’t go away so they did an MRI. Wow. I was overwhelmed for her and the weight that was on her shoulders but was glad I was there to listen and share some hope. She asked me questions about my journey and about sharing illness with kids because she is a single mom. At the end of our conversation, we smiled and hugged and I told her I would see her in a few weeks when she was healthy and back to work.

Lessons:

  • Never assume or judge because you don’t know where they came from or what they are going through.
  • Focus on things that matter because your world can change in a day.
  • Share how you feel, tell the one’s you love that you love them over and over, because you may not get a second chance
  • Forgive and live a life with no regrets

Yes, I’m still angry but I think it’s been healthy for me since I’m generally a people pleaser, it’s ok. Today I’m wearing Covergirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Everlasting. These lipsticks are super-moisturizing and surprisingly long wearing. This color is kind of a plum/berry color which is great for summer and on trend for fall. I chose it because this is the color family I love and of course, the name. Friendship and love is everlasting, take the time to hold someone’s hand or give them a hug, nothing beats feeling like you matter!

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Unexpected

30 Jul

 

Just goofing off

Last week was a good week. If you recall, I had some different tests done the week before, last week was all about results. I really hate the cancer roller coaster of emotions. I wonder if there will ever be a day when whatever I’m feeling (a cold, a sore throat, or for that matter whatever lump or bump appears or disappears) will not be about cancer. Oh well, such is the life of a survivor or fighter, whatever. Anyhow, last Monday the tissue they saw on my optic nerve turned out to be just an extra bundle of nerves and tissue and was not abnormal. Wednesday, the MRI results showed I had a bulging disc in my neck explaining the numbness and tingling in my left arm; not related to the multiple surgeries in my neck or the radiation. Friday my laryngologist did a follow up check of my vocal cords and the hemorrhage on my right paralyzed cord is healing and my left vocal cord is starting to move again. Whew, now I wait for my ultrasound and those results in two weeks. From the extreme emotions and weaning off the high steroids, by Saturday, I was exhausted so I think I slept half the day. Life comes fast and furious sometimes. Cancer has introduced me to a whole new set of emotions and there always seems to be something unexpected that comes up, but it’s not all bad, each day is new and I choose to trust God….not fear.

Yesterday we dropped off all three kids at camp for the week. It was the first time for our youngest to go so I was sad to let him go yet excited for him and his new adventure. What was unexpected for me was how I felt saying good-bye to my oldest. I was proud and sad at the same time. He will be 15 in a few weeks and will be starting driver’s ed when he gets back from camp. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming but as I watched him walk away I was saddened at the fact that he is edging closer to legal adulthood. Have I done enough as a mom? Have we taught him well so far? Our time as parents molding and shaping our kids into adults is so short. I have great kids and I feel truly blessed.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lipcolor in Blue Raspberry. I LOVE Bobbi Brown lipsticks. Most of the colors have a brown base so they work for most skin tones. The Creamy Lipcolor is so moisturizing it feels like a balm but these have lots of shine and color. If you love lipgloss but need more color, these are for you. I chose Blue Raspberry because it’s a great berry tone for summer, and who doesn’t love blue raspberries?

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One Week

22 Jun

Two days ago I had writer’s block, I didn’t feel like there was anything interesting enough going on to write about. Last night I assessed the events over the past week and realized so many things have happened in just one week. A week ago my kids finished school. It was a landmark year for two of my kids because one is now officially going to be a freshman in high school and the other will be a 7th grader in Junior High which leaves my youngest child going into fourth grade and the last one in elementary school. The sad part is that he will no longer be in the same building with either of his siblings for the rest of his school career. Over the weekend my daughter had her dance recital. After a year of hard work learning and perfecting a dance, she had three shows over two days. She did great and was beautiful up on the stage. Three days ago my 9 year old had his second playoff game and lost. It was a great season and he was asked to be on the all star tournament team which made him happy. Unfortunately, we will be on vacation for a few of the games so he won’t be able to join the team this year. Last night my oldest son had his last game of the season. Although they lost by one point in the last inning, he had some great plays and ended on a good note. Add to those events my two boys going to basketball camp daily and my daughter going to a few swimming/birthday parties….well, kids keep you busy!

On a serious note, six days ago, my youngest son had a seizure. It’s only happened once before and it was frightening. It happened in the middle of the night and fortunately my oldest, who shares a room with him, heard him and woke us up. As we watched his little body convulse, I couldn’t help but cry. The following day he was tired but normal. Yesterday he had some brain wave testing done and something was abnormal on the test so today he is having a brain MRI. I am reminded once again of how things can change in an instant. I remember when I got the call that I had cancer, in just one sentence, ten seconds, over the phone my life forever changed. When it’s your child, hearing something bad is even worse. At least with me, I know I have the strength to do what it takes but for my son, I want to be able to fix it for him. Last night after the game we were all in the car driving home and we saw this rainbow.

 I was so thankful because it was a reminder to me that there’s always hope and God always has a plan. In the meantime, I thank all of you for your support and would appreciate prayers! Today I am wearing Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter Balm in Red Velvet. I LOVE these lip butters because they are so moisturizing and have lots of color as well. Loreal also has their version of lip butters which I also like, but the colors are very neutral while Revlon has some bolder colors. I chose Red Velvet because it’s red, also, while we were at the doctor’s office yesterday I was reading a magazine talking about ‘your cupcake personality’. I asked Alex which cupcake fit his personality and he said, “Red Velvet!”

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Laughing still…

7 Jun

As a college freshman my roomate asked me to color and highlight her hair. Here’s the deal, I am TERRIBLE at any type of hairstyling. I couldn’t pull off my hair curled under when the ‘Dorothy Hamill’ was in, I couldn’t do the ‘Farrah Faucett’ feathered look, I couldn’t even get my bangs to stand up when that was in. I was so thankful when perms were in in the late 80’s because I of course was in line to get one. I finally had big hair that I didn’t have to mess with. Anyhow, I told her to ask someone else. I distinctly remember her saying, “It’s easy…I don’t care if it’s a little uneven because highlights should be scattered anyhow.” OK. I put the gloves on and got to work. About an hour later when her hair was dry and styled, the front looked awesome if I have to say so myself, but when she turned around…oops. The back of her hair was blond and highlighted to about the middle of her head, the rest, well, a bit darker with no highlights. When she grabbed the mirror and looked, she laughed and said, ‘cool.’ I was off the hook.

Now that I’m older and have a few strands of gray, I have started coloring my hair but only once or twice a year by a professional. I have long hair which is black/brown and pretty simple. Well, something possessed me as I was at Target and I thought to myself, ‘How hard can it be?’ Why pay $50 when I can buy a box for $6, it’s not like I get highlights or anything complicated, just one color. Now, I know millions of women do this all the time, but take into account my hair history. So, I bought what I thought was a black/brown (what happened to the fake hair pieces they used to have hanging as samples?) and last night at about 10:30, I started. It was a comedy of errors. Remember, I have long hair, so when I was done with the top and sides I couldn’t see the back so I just reached. It was a TOTAL mess. I reached for a clip to keep my top hair out of the way and got dye on my sink and toothbrush, the color container fell into the sink after jugglng it with the plastic gloves and slipping, color was dripping down my forehead as I bent forward trying to get to the bottom of the back of my head. Then, when I went to rinse in my kids’ bathtub (they have a removable shower head), I sprayed myself in the face when I was trying to rinse the front. After I was done rinsing I stood up and looked at the mirror behind me and had to laugh. Apparently the water I sprayed in my face went past me and sprayed their mirror, counter, sinks, etc…water was everywhere and I looked ridiculous. I was by myself, wet from head to toe, hair, towels, and water everywhere. Thank goodness my husband was not home and the kids were asleep. I assessed the damage and could not stop laughing. Oh yeah, and the color I got was too dark,for those familiar with Elvira…yup.

Oh well, here’s the lesson, don’t take yourself too seriously. I laughed for a good 15 minutes at myself and it felt great. Sometimes we are not able to laugh at little mishaps and let things go. Those things not only drag you down for the moment but if you dwell, they will always drag you down. Laugh and learn, then move on.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Allure Extrait De Gloss in Exces. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that right now for me, this is close to perfection. This gloss is shiny, moist, and long wearing. The colors are beautiful and although it’s a gloss, it has the perfect amount of color. The color I chose today is a sheer cherry red on my lips, I love it. Cheers!

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Dreams

22 May

‘Sometimes the life God dreams for us take a lifetime to come to pass. Great lives that are born out of great dreams often come through great sacrifice and great suffering. Our dreams, the ones God places inside us, are a foretaste of our destiny. ‘ from the book Wide Awake by Erwin McManus

I’ve been reading this book a little at a time and this phrase is pretty much in the beginning. When I first read it it made me both happy and sad. For as long as I can remember, my dream has always been to sing on a stage. Not for fame and fortune in the pop world like Whitney or Madonna, but more just because I love it. I love the stage and ever since watching Annie back in 1978, that has been my dream and my passion. Fortunately for many years I was able to do this, in high school, college, church, radio, and even once on a Broadway stage…singing for me was like breathing, it came so easy.

I have always loved music. Unfortunately, cancer has tried to take my voice away. After my first surgery my right vocal cord was paralyzed and I lost my voice completely for a period of time. I had a good friend come over after I came home from the hospital. She was crying when she asked, “Why would God who gave you the gift of song, allow cancer to take it away?” Back then I didn’t think of it that way, I was just concentrating on living (since I was given a bad prognosis at the time). As months passed though, I definitely did grieve but I knew there had to be a better and bigger plan for my life. Since then it’s been a challenging four and a half years, and my dreams have adjusted a little. Miraculously I am still able to sing (minus one vocal cord) and funny,  it’s still like breathing, because now, both are a little more difficult. I still dream about the stage but I also have new dreams. I dream that I can someday speak to many and tell them my story, I dream that I will have my own lipstick line to go with the book (it may happen soon, I’ll keep you posted), I dream I can run more, and finally I dream of having a long healthy life of impact and seeing my kids grown with families of their own. It’s funny how God places new dreams in our hearts along the way. Like the author says, ‘great lives are born out of great dreams’.

Today I wear Jane Iredale PureGloss in Cherry Sparkle. I actually purchased this at a spa on our mini-vacation this past weekend (couldn’t come home without a new lipstick)! Anyhow, Jane Iredale cosmetics are all natural so I had to try…I have to say this gloss is not sticky and pretty long lasting. Cherry Sparkle is sheer red with a small amount of sparkle. I chose it for today because, well, it’s red and who couldn’t use a little sparkle? Write down your dreams, what’s stopping you?

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