Tag Archives: cancer

Sweet 16

25 Aug

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Last week I decided to throw my son a surprise birthday party for his 16th birthday. The previous week, he was undecided as to whether or not he even wanted to invite people over so I decided to take the initiative and do it myself. I hijacked his cell phone and texted a friend of his to tell other friends. I also contacted a couple moms of boys he’s friends with. Up until the day of the party, I wasn’t sure how many would come. Friday night as they arrived in cars of 2-3 people, I saw my son’s face and I knew he was happy. More kids than I thought showed up (of course), and although it made me nervous watching 16 year old boys and girls in the pool and then trying to watch them in the dark at the firepit, I was happy. Being a teenager is hard. As I sat there watching them interact I thought about myself at 16 and what, if I could, tell my 16 year old self. OK, keep in mind, when I was 16, I was super shy (introvert remember) and a little geeky. On the other hand, at 16, I was on a TV show and my mom entered me in a couple beauty pageants to break me of my shyness and instill confidence; fortunately and unfortunately, I won those. I played varsity tennis, was in showchoir and did the school plays, the stage allowed me to be a different person. Because of all this, my shyness and introversion were misconstrued as self absorption and stuck up by most, leaving me even more insecure. Despite the insecurities of my teenage self, I had a few close friends and still had fun.

So what would I tell my 16 year old self?

  • Don’t grow up too fast, live your life and have fun2013-07-03 01.05.50
  • Dream big
  • Be yourself and don’t let another person change you
  • Take risks because life is short
  • There will always be critics, either ignore them or prove them wrong
  • Be grateful, love people

The list of lessons could go on and on. It’s kinda the same stuff I have to remind myself of daily, even now. I think between responsibilty and daily living, we forget. I’m thankful for all the lessons I’ve learned along the way, would I have changed some things? No doubt, but I know one thing for sure, I’m  glad I’m not 16 anymore!

Today I wear NYX Round lipstick in Hero. You can find these lipsticks at Ulta or order them online. Surprisingly NYX make up is pretty great. This lipstick is both moisturizing and fairly long lasting. They have a wide variety of inexpensive products, in fact, this lipstick runs around $4! I chose this color because I’m still in my fiery ‘red’ mood and I love the name. Who doesn’t want to be a hero? Cheers!

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I’m No Popeye

18 Aug

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Does everyone know who Popeye the sailor man is, or am I that old already?  Anyhow, the gist is this, he was a small statured sailor who, when strength was necessary, would eat a can of spinach then BOOM, killer biceps and all the strength he needed to conquer his obstacle. Favorite phrase, ‘I am what I am.’ If it were only that easy. When I was battling cancer over and over people were commenting on how strong and how brave I was, especially when it kept coming back. Like I’ve said before, what were my other choices? Hide under the covers in bed? No thank you. Right now, to be completely transparent, I am currently going through a difficult personal situation which I’ve shared with only a few people and again, I am hearing the word strength being thrown around. Here’s the thing, being strong is exhausting and I don’t have a magical can of spinach to help me get through, wish I did. So here I am, tired. Tired of continually moving forward, tired of being strong, just worn out. There’s a song that I keep listening to and I feel the words (since I’m such a music lover, I can always find a song). It’s called Worn by Tenth Ave North, Here’s the other thing, remember that triathlon I was a part of in June? True confessions…I just recently got my sneakers back out and I have to say, it felt pretty good to be active again. Another thing weighing on my mind is next month I will be going through all my testing again. I don’t want to. I always have a little anxiety when it’s time for cancer check up because on average the news has been more bad than good. This is my first time going 6 months in between checks and it was a nice break. So, because of everything else going on, I don’t want to know, like I said, I’m already exhausted. So what’s left….the things I do know. Although I don’t have magic spinach, I have friends and family that love me and continue to support and encourage me, and I have a loving God who is bigger than any trouble or trial; that is more than enough. For today, I am going to stay in ‘suspend’, not focused on my testing, or moving forward, just staying still (except for when I put my sneakers back on later to work out again). Sorry for being a downer. Be still, and know that I am God-Ps 46:10

Today I wear Chantecaille Lip Chic lipstick in Heirloom. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these lipsticks. They have great color and are super moisturizing. The texture is fantastic! I am slowly transtioning from the summer glosses and shades to yes, fall. I chose Heirloom mainly because of the color. It is a berry/plum color which is right on target for fall, an even deeper shade that I love is Calla Lilly. Generally, you can’t go wrong with these. Try them out, Cheers!

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Words

12 Aug

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Hi Again! Last week I spent the week away training with other new people for my new job. It’s always a great time meeting new people, hearing about their backgrounds and what they’ve been through to get them where they are today. What I find interesting is that usually, what you see and assume about a person is different than what’s inside. Very cool. Anyhow, there were 6 of us for the week, mostly in the same position but from different parts of the country. Since we spent so much time together we really got to know each other, which made training much more fun. On the way home my flight was delayed a couple hours so I ended up talking to a young woman from Ethiopia for a while. She didn’t share too much except that she has only been living here a couple years and had three jobs in between going to college. We spoke of different challenges we both are facing in our lives and I was amazed at both her calm and grateful spririt. You know it’s good when you walk away from someone feeling a little uplifted and still smiling.

On the airplane I sat next to a woman who was constantly writing letters on notecards. I finally broke down and asked her if she had a million penpals and she told me that once a month she likes to send out letters of encouragement to people she knows. About the same time the flight attendant asked if we wanted a drink and before she asked for anything she told the flight attendant how warm and beautiful his smile was. This flight was the last of the night, it was full, and it was delayed. This flight attendant’s face lit up and was so grateful for the compliment. He stood and spoke with us a few extra minutes and we both ended up with pretzels, peanuts, and cookies! She turned to me and said, ‘See? Just a little encouragement’. I have to admit it, I love it too. To be encouraged, smiled at, complimented, we all need it, right?

So, from the people I met in training, to the girl from Ethiopia, then the lady in seat 5A, words and encouragement matter to everyone, don’t forget. “Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts…”
― Robert Fulghum

Today I wear Nars lipstick in Shanghai Express. These lipsticks are great. The semi-matte formulas are creamy but with staying power. I chose this color because it’s brick red…yes, i’m feeling the red again. Cheers!

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What’s Your Type?

20 Jul

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Recently after I read about this in another blog I decided to take one of those personality tests. I’ve done a few of these in the past for work and it’s kind of amazing how just answering some situational questions can put you in a personality category. Anyhow, since I didn’t want to pay for the full test I took the free sample; and since I didn’t really like the results I got the first time (because I thought I was a different personality type), I took it two more times on two different days only to get the same result. I am a 2 in this test, A Helper. What does it mean? It’s not bad, caring, warm hearted, unselfish. But on the other hand, ‘The Helper’ is also people pleasing, has a hard time acknowledging their needs, and are non-confrontational…peace loving. I was recently told that I don’t fight back or speak up enough because I am more interested in keeping the peace, which in turn makes me a pushover. I think before cancer I was definitely a ‘yes’ person and maybe a pushover, but after cancer I feel a little differently. There are many things in life we can’t control and those things well, pfffft…let it go, not worth the fight. I also know that kindness and respect go alot farther than yelling and anger. Do I have a problem with confrontation? No, but I usually have a smile on my face which tends to soften the blow.

Do I want peace? I crave it, especially now. Is there sometimes a price to pay for peace? Absolutely. Anytime you compromise any part of yourself; your beliefs, your worth, your ‘voice’, in order to keep the peace to please another, well, that is a hefty price to pay. No, being soft spoken, choosing kindness and respect over angry confrontation, being quiet at times instead of speaking out, being a listener instead of constantly having to hear yourself, I don’t think anything is wrong with that. Do I speak up when I have to? I’d like to think so. However you are wired, whatever label someone has put on you, be proud. Thank goodness the world has variety. We were all made differently and we weave ourselves into each others lives, imperfections and all. Life is fleeting. I say it all the time, love God, love others. Be respectful, love peace, speak softly…there’s too much anger out there already.

Today I wear Josie Maran Argan Love Your Lips Hydrating Lipstick in Spirited Red. At first look, the color of the lipstick is in the middle and it is surrounded with what looks like clear wax in the shape of lipstick (hard to describe)…anyway, it looks kinda funky. What it is is the pigment of the lipstick is surrounded by glossy balm, argan oil. It’s pretty cool and super moisturizing. Since there’s quite a bit of the ‘balm/gloss’ component, the result is a little more sheer but you do get lots of color. I chose Spirited Red because I love red lips and I’m just happy to be me. Cheers!

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Vacation

15 Jul

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I’m back! My family has just returned from the longest vacation in our history. I use the term ‘vacation’ loosely because if you’re a mom, you know you’re always working. Anyhow, we toured the East Coast via automobile; Niagara Falls, Boston, New York City, Newport,RI, Baltimore, Washington DC, Virginia Beach, then ending with a whitewater rafting trip in the mountains of West Virginia. Yes, 5 people in an SUV, 2 of which are teens (with one able to drive as well). Did I sleep much…nah. Was it crazy fun? I still need to take a step back and soak in all we’ve done. I have to say the trip was diverse; from a baseball game at historic Fenway Park, to a Broadway show; from staying in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC to sleeping in a tent with no electricity or running water in the mountains. I just now looked at the 300 pictures I took and I had to laugh. This vacation I decided to take a different approach to picture taking. Instead of all smiles (which you see all the time), I wanted to go ‘real’. I decided to take the frustrated, angry, bored, etc pictures as well as the smiley ones. By the time we got to Boston, my daughter caught on to what I was doing and when she had the camera she did the same. Looking at the pictures just now, the ‘real’ ones are the ones that are cracking me up. Sure, the other pics document great moments and smiling faces, but the others, well, they document what was really happening at times, and the expressions of true feelings, well, priceless. I would include some of my pics but I think certain family members may not be that happy with me if I did.2013-07-13 19.07.46

How many of you have vacation pictures where everyone is all smiles? Everyone I’m sure. It’s the in between moments that I wanted to capture, the ‘real’ stuff, it’s what I crave. Sometimes I get sick of all the facades people put up. It gets tiring. I’m tired myself sometimes of portraying a pretty picture. That’s not how life is all the time is it? The best part of vacation for me? Spending all that time with my kids, talking with them and really getting deep, especially with my older two. If you have teens you know that they start getting quiet and start spending more and more time with friends instead of you. This time was precious to me getting to know their struggles and their thoughts on various worldly issues that teens go through. All in all it was a good vacation; a little long for me because I’m kind of a homebody, but good. So what do my pictures say? What do people think when they look at you? Smiles are great, but being ‘real’ is even better.2013-07-06 00.29.30

Today I wear Carmex strawberry with SPF 15 because it’s all I wore on vacation. In fact, we had to stop at Walgreen and buy more. I try to be pretty low maintenance when I travel so it’s usually just tinted sunscreen and lip balm…talk about real…real scary that is! Cheers!

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Busy

22 Jun

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Where has the time gone? I apologize for slacking in my writing but, a)I feel like there’s so much going on that my head is spinning and, b)because there’s so much going on, I feel like there’s honestly nothing to write about. It’s ‘b’ that worries me. Yes life moves fast, but if we don’t stop to observe the smallest of moments, we miss the magic of simply living and breathing and I don’t want to miss that because I’m just trying to get through the day…get it? Anyhow, it’s only been about a week since school got out and my oldest made a comment, ‘Why do we seem more busy?’ Well, with a week of summer camp for my daughter, travel basketball for the oldest, baseball play-offs for the youngest, and me working full time? Yeah, we are busy. So, deep breath.

Today my daughter and I went to a wedding shower for a beautiful couple. I have known the bride’s parents for a long time because her dad used to accompany me when I sang awhile back. Fast forward about 15 years and the future groom happens to move here to be closer to his fiance and becomes a leader for my oldest son’s small group at our church. The future bride has had major health struggles over the past year which forced them to postpone the wedding, but now it is back on track and happening soon. What’s beautiful about this couple is that the ‘in sickness and in health’ happened before the wedding and the future groom stood by her side; not just ‘stood’, literally had fundraisers to help the costs of treatment, cooked for her, and cared for her. It was incredible to be a part of their faith and love journey up to this point and get glimpses of their sacrificial love. Today’s bridal shower was really a celebration of life too.

Well, on top of all the business of the past week I was sick, really sick. I just started feeling better yesterday. Body aches, exhaustion, coughing, and because of the coughing I lost my voice for about 4 days. You know what happens when a cancer survivor gets sick and stays sick over a week? They think they have some type of cancer again. I hate that cancer recurrance is where my mind goes first but it’s the truth. Until I started feeling better I thought that I probably had leukemia; not to mention my dog will not leave my side (you know what they say about animals sixth sense). Regardless, I am feeling MUCH better today and my voice is almost 100% back to it’s normal 50% capacity (from lack of vocal cord). Life keeps moving ‘in sickness and in health’ and I don’t want to miss the party. So, in all that busyness, close your eyes and stick your face in the sun or the rain or the clouds and smile. Just breathing is magic!

Today I wear Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter in Lollipop. This is my favorite drugstore lipstick right now because they have quite a bit of color and they do feel like butter on your lips! I have these lip butters in at least four different colors but Lollipop and Red Velvet are my faves. Lollipop is sort of a hot pink color (kinda still on my hot pink roll for now), it reminds me of summer and popsicles…fun! Until next time!

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What if…

12 Jun

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This week’s topic for my blogging group GBE2 (which, sad to say, I have been very delinquent in posting topics for this group, sorry) is ‘What if…’ First of all, I hate the what ifs because life keeps moving forward, and asking the question forces you to look backwards and maybe question some of the decisions you’ve made along the way. Every day, there are what ifs and whichever path we take or decision we make has a consequence that we just have to deal with, good or bad. Again, I hate looking backwards.

For today I’m going to think about an uncontrollable ‘what if’; a decision made for me. What if I never had cancer? It’s a big one because I have a hard time remembering who I was and what type of person I was before cancer. I don’t think I was much different personality wise, I think maybe how I see things has changed and therefore my heart and soul are little different. Ok, ok, too deep. Anyhow, there are some ‘solid’ things that have happened like if I hadn’t had cancer I wouldn’t have written a book, I wouldn’t have started a blog, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet all the amazing people along the way and done all the cool things that I’ve done because of the cancer. So here’s the heart and soul stuff….I think I would be a little more selfish, maybe a little less grateful, maybe a lot more rushed through the day, not stopping to stand in the rain or close my eyes and stick my face in the sun. I am a little different, maybe alot different, like I said, I can hardly remember my old self. I love more, my heart breaks easier, I listen more intently, and I try not to take people or days for granted. On the other side I’m alot less tolerant of jerks, mean people, angry people, ‘life-zapping’ people…waste of time and energy. So was cancer a blessing? In some ways. Would I have chosen to get it….NO WAY. What if I never had cancer? Who knows, but I accept who I am today because of it and I keep moving forward. Enough of the what ifs! Everyday a new beginning!

But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at  strain, to dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall, and baffled, get up and begin  again. -Robert Browning

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Suspense which again is this purply hot pink shade cool for summer. These lipsticks are cross between a lipstick and a gloss, are moisturizing and you can hardly feel them on your lips. They have great colors but go on more sheer than what you see in the tube. I love them! I chose Suspense for both the color and the name. Life is fun and living with excitement and suspense at how the day goes and who you might meet sounds like a blast, doesn’t it? Cheers!

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Strength and Courage

28 May

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Strength and courage. These are two words cancer fighters hear all the time. ‘You are so strong, so much courage to go through what you are going through…’ During ‘the fight’ we have no choice but to be strong and courageous fighting this enemy attacking our bodies. These are good words, and for me a constant encouragement to hear, empowering me to fight and conquer. Again, there was no choice, either be strong, courageous, and fight, or wither away and wallow in self pity…yeah, that sounds fun. Anyhow, I looked up the definitions:

Strength: The state of being strong, the power to resist attack; durability

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain

Yes to both, cancer/illness fighters need both. What about after the fight? I am finding that having strength and courage after the fight, trying to adjust to a new normal, while also adjusting from some of the side effects psychologically along with treatment side effects, is just as difficult. Cancer opens your eyes and heart to a whole new world and not all of it is ‘rosy’. I see things with a different perspective (obviously), I have a longing to live life to the fullest, to love and understand people and where they come from, for my kids to be just as excited about life as I am despite an ever-changing and not always positive society. What if when your eyes are open, you don’t like everything you see? Well, it takes even more strength and courage to make changes and to be the change; to stand up for what you believe in and move forward despite the constant scare of cancer. I know this sounds like alot of jibberish but my mind and heart have been swirling. We all live with a type of ‘cancer’ don’t we? Something that grates on our nerves, a job, a co-worker, a situation. Open your eyes and heart and live. There is a certain power to being vulnerable with people. It is scary but be strong and courageous, we need that from each other.

Deuteronomy 31:6  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Today I wear Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lipgloss in Stunner. This gloss is a bright magenta color in the tube. It’s a super moist but not sticky lipgloss that has a good amount of shine and color on lips…I LOVE it! This color happens to be enough of a pop of color for me and because I have a bit of a plum tone to my lips already, this looks like a sheer pop of berry on me! Cheers!

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Lonely

20 May

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Last Saturday I walked once again at the local Relay For Life event. This year my daughter, younger son, and mom were with me. All survivors were given a special shirt which identified them as a survivor and it was emotional (at least for me), making eye contact with other survivors knowing and feeling some of the things they have been through. This year’s survivor lap had at least 50-100 survivors of all ages and colors, male and female. It was overwhelming walking around the track with them and hearing the cheers of the supporters as well as seeing their and each others’ tears. I have to say, for awhile now, I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions. Although I have had several ‘scares’ of cancer being back, my last physical treatment was almost three years ago. Am I done? I don’t know because none of my subsequent tests have been doubt free, but is it ever done? I joked with my mom at the survivor luncheon after the walk that they put annual flowers in pots for us to take home instead of perrenials because who knows where we are year to year; It was a half joke/half truth. My good friend from radiation just found out recently that his cancer is possibly back. I’m sad, but that is truly how it goes. We are both still fighting the side effects and consequences of our multiple treatments but we both live one day at a time.relay

With all of that said, I have to speak about the loneliness of cancer.It may just be me, but there is truly a lonely side. It’s strange to say it because I don’t think any of us lack support from friends and family, but being in it, having it be you, can be lonely. We each feel something indescribable even to those closest to us. For me it’s the anger toward my body, my heart breaking over my voice and breathing, and my intense fight to be there to watch my kids grow; it’s almost like a pin that is constantly pressing on my heart. No one really knows what you’re going through because it’s so hard to describe; and these feelings are both during and after the fight. I am so glad to be able to share some of my feelings with ‘B’ because not only do we have the same cancer, we actually went through treatment at the same time and at the same place, but even then, his walk has been different than mine. For now, I push forward seeking joy and leaning on the positive, but I can’t deny the lonely place in me that cancer created. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”  ―    Bil Keane     Thankful for my ‘present.’

Today I wear Nars Satin Lip Pencil in Majella which is a garnet red color. These crayon like pencils have ALOT of color which stays on most of the day. These are lots more moisturizing than the matte pencils also by Nars and most of the time, I can swipe the color on in the morning and either use lip balm or a gloss for the rest of the workday because the color is like a stain on your lips. I chose this color because it’s red. Nothing like a red lip to brighten up the day! Cheers!!

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Smile

13 May

Anna166

Last week I was in Seattle working a display booth for my company. I was there almost the entire week with a few co-workers and thousands of strangers from different countries. It was a long week spent talking and smiling but a couple of awesome things happened. On the first day I stumbled upon a Facebook post from a good friend and former co-worker who I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. We have kept in touch off and on over the years and when I arrived in Seattle we both realized we were working at the same conference for different companies, what are the chances of that? Seattle also happened to be the same place where we met! Anyhow, we scheduled a dinner together on one of our free night and were able to catch up on our lives, families, and where our careers have led us since being ‘down-sized’ 10 years ago. It is always so great to see and touch base with old friends; a great reminder of how time flies and how different people continually come in and out of our lives at different times.

Another great thing that came to my attention while seeking the magic, once again, was the power of eye contact and a smile. Literally with thousands of people around and hundreds of display booths, people appeared to not want to be bothered. Now I’m not saying there were people who were rushing to get from one place to another, but most people, no matter what country they were from, would stop to talk with just a friendly greeting, a smile, and eye contact. I had several great conversations both business and in general, and overall, people left with an ‘easier’ demeanor and a smile. ‘Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of  love’~Mother Teresa. Sometimes we only get one moment to make a positive impact on someone’s life, don’t you want people to walk away from you with a positive experience? Yes, a smile crossed all language barriers last week. People like contact with other people, they want to talk to someone who will listen and make them feel important, if even for a moment.

Today I wear Tarte LipSurgence Skintuitive Lip Tint in Energy. Now, you all know I love Dior Addict Lip Glow because it feels like a balm but brings out a natural pink shade of your lips, but this Tarte Lip Tint absolutely rivals that! The Tarte Lip Tint brings out a deeper and bolder berry color in my lips and as you know, Tarte has no parabens, phthalates, etc..I think the Dior Addict is more moisturizing but they are both beautiful and since they bring out your natural color, the color is always right for you! Cheers!

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