Tag Archives: family

Results Part 2

9 Apr

matter

Today is the day. Earlier, I got the call from my doctor with the news I had been waiting for; benign, negative, no cancer detected. After a questionable result in my bloodwork in January, arguing with insurance to get a PET scan then finally getting one in March; finding inflammation on that PET scan which my doctor thought was breast cancer, having a mammogram last week…today was the day I got the call. I am officially cancer free (for now)! I asked about the reason for the abnormal bloodwork…’not sure,’; how about the lymph nodes in my breast area and armpit…’could be a number of different things.’ Oh well, today, like every day, life moves forward and I wait another 6 months for my next round of tests.

Here’s the strange thing, after constantly getting bad news over the years, I had conditioned my mind for the bad. Hearing the good today made me feel a little odd. I was not ecstatic, I felt that ‘hesitant’ happy. I still feel that way now so I guess I need it all to sink in and stew for awhile. Last week I came to the realization that this is my life, my ‘new normal’ is how post cancer patients call it sometimes. I don’t know if there will be a day when simple aches and pains, a cough, a sore throat, a swollen lymph node, etc will not remind me that it could be cancer. I don’t know if there will be a day that passes by without me wondering if I have a cancer cell floating around my body waiting to explode and start growing. But for today, my doctors and my mind tell me I am cancer free so I will continue moving forward seeking the magic.Anna2013

Today I wear YSL Rouge Volupte Shine lipstick in Rouge in Danger which is a deep red. This is not quite a lipstick but has lots more color than the Sheer Candy formulations. I love the YSL lipsticks and glosses. They have full on moisture and feel luxurious on the lips, not to mention the fact that they have beautiful packaging. I chose this color because it’s red and bold, exactly how I want to be! Cheers!

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Long Week

6 Apr

2013-02-18 22.20.13

*sigh*   What a long week, emotions can be grating on the psyche. Remember a couple blogs ago I spoke about my friend and her boyfriend with the growth on his neck? Well, it was a rare fast growing cancer and he almost died last weekend…yes, from an unknown lump, to cancer taking over his whole body in one month. He received massive amounts of chemo and miraculously looks like he will be ok. Another friend revealed that her husband’s cancer has progressed and he is now starting treatment after a year of ‘watch and wait’. On Wednesday I did my mammogram which, well, if you’re a woman over forty, you know. I felt a little traumatized by the manipulation of my breasts in a giant panini maker, not to mention the pain. I’ve been a little sad because of everything, but this week was particularly difficult. With all of those things going on with me and around me, I was, and still am, overwhelmed with not just the brevity of life, but also how things can change so quickly. I am trying to be angry (to get over my sadness), but it’s not working yet.

The week still had plenty of magic to lift my spirits of course. Last Sunday was Easter and being a Christian, I am so grateful for what Christ has done and for His love and amazing gift of grace and forgiveness. I also met with some great friends this week, old and new. It’s awesome how God brings different people into our lives at different times. I believe there are no ‘accidents’ or concidence in meeting people and I am so thankful for all of my relationships. In Les Miserables, Victor Hugo wrote, “To love another person is to see the face of God“, a line which is included in the Finale song of the musical by the same name. Thank you to my friends, family, and all of you reading my blog and following my journey; God’s face is all around.

Today I wear Dior Dior Addict Lip Gloss in 643 Diablotine. I LOVE this gloss and color! It is super moisturizing, a little bit sparkly, and has great color for a gloss. This color is not quite hot pink, and not quite orange (which seemsto be the color of the moment)…it’s perfect! I chose it for today because I have been wearing it all week and for me, it is another perfect color for spring and summer! Cheers!

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Results Are In

26 Mar

fall

Well, the results are in! Remember the three scenarios I mentioned in my last blog? It was none of the above. No, no, a definitive answer would be too easy considering my cancer path. My doctor called and the good news is that my neck looks good! Nothing showing up on the PET scan in terms of ‘leftover’ cancer or new and obvious growth, so the number on my blood work results must have been a fluke or a variable they didn’t know about from the new test. It was great news for me because the treatment for anything new in my neck would be extremely risky. Ahh, but the news doesn’t stop there…he continued to say that there was something else. He asked if I was recently in an accident, or if I cut myself shaving, or if I was sick recently…no, no, no,….why? ‘Well, there’s some inflammation of some lymph nodes under your arm.’ ‘So what?’ ‘ He says, well, that’s typical of breast cancer, I want you to get a mammogram.’ ‘I have thyroid cancer cells in my breast?’ ‘No, this would be totally unrelated.’ ‘Hmmm, ok.’

So a mammogram is next and my journey moves forward. How do I feel? Nuts. It’s almost laughable. I cried a little because I just want this over with, but hey, it’s life and I’m still living, making the most of every day now more than ever.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Coco Shine in Rebelle. These lipsticks are super moisturizing because they are like a lipstick/gloss hybrid. I chose Rebelle because it is the perfect pop of sheer red and ‘Rebel’ is in the name…I’m fighting back! Cheers!

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Kids and Cancer

16 Mar

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I haven’t written in a while for a few reasons; partly because my emotions have been very up and down, partly because I can’t think of anything to write about because of said emotions, and partly because I’m tired of always talking about me. Today I thought I’d tackle kids and how they may feel about cancer by interviewing one of my kids, AJ. My kids were 5,7, and 10 when this cancer journey started for me. My oldest,AJ, is now 15 almost 16 and has grown into a fine young man. He is my most logical child so I wanted to hear how he feels and has felt about mom having cancer so far…

Me: You were only 10 when I got cancer the first time, what did you think?

AJ: I was only in fifth grade and I think I was angry.

Me: Scared?

AJ: Not really because I didn’t know what it really meant yet. I guess I might have been scared of the unknown.

Me: How did you feel when it came back the second and third time?

AJ: The second time I was more upset than angry, but the third time I thought it would be ok because I watched you fight and win the first two times.

Me: How do you think having a mom with cancer through your youth has changed you, or has it?

AJ: I don’t think it’s made me a more sensitive person, I guess I’m not sure. It was just a fact of life, I didn’t know any different, plus you acted as ‘normal’ as possible; still drove us places, came to our events…

Me: How did you feel during those times when I couldn’t talk?

AJ: Frustrated because I couldn’t understand anything you were trying to whisper.

Me: Has this made you closer to God, or more angry and farther?

AJ: Closer, because I prayed a lot and saw all the people who would bring food and pray for you and with you. Sometimes He was the only One I could talk to.

Me: So if my cancer is back, how are you feeling?

AJ: Same as the first time…angry2006-10-14_0044

Ok, I have to say this is the first time I actually sat face to face with one of my children to discuss how they have felt through everything. Although AJ seemed indifferent and thought I was goofy for asking (he is a teenager), I was actually getting emotional and a little choked up. I may never know all the feelings they have or are feeling, but I do know that cancer has been part of their life for most of their youth. It’s sad to me but I understand that their feelings are directly tied to my actions. If I showed fear, I don’t think AJ would have been so confident the third time cancer came around. At the very least I know I have shown my kids how to handle adversity and life’s challenges with strength and hope, relying on God, family and friends. For now, that is enough.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Roseberry. I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks because they are not too glossy, not to dry, and have beautiful colors that work on almost every skin tone…really! Roseberry is a pinky rose color according to the descrition on Sephora, but on me, it is a great poppy red/pink that is great for spring and summer. It looks nothing like the picture on the web… much brighter and fun! Until next time!!

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Done

6 Mar

010

The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. From my last post you even read about how I thought I was losing my smile. With all the cancer stuff swirling in my head, I ended up extremely sad and I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. Anytime I would talk to someone and they would simply ask how I was doing I would start getting weepy. I didn’t feel like doing anything, it’s hard to describe, just overwhelming sadness. I had a couple friends ask why I wasn’t more angry or maybe even angry at God. Why get angry at God when He is the One carrying me through? I read somewhere that He either brings it or allows it for a greater purpose. Well, I’m waiting to see if that purpose is revealed soon or if I’m already serving my purpose by sharing my story? Who knows, but I can’t get angry because everyone is dealing with something in their lives trying to tear them down, right? I just wanted out of my pity party; my sad, teary, bursting into tears at any given moment mood.

Over the weekend something clicked in my head and I was done. Yes, there are still some underlying waves of sadness, but I feel my strength (or will) to move forward, to fight once again. Part of it was being tired of being sad and tired, another part was truly handing my heart and life to God and trusting His plan, and the last part was listening to some really great music. You know from reading my blog that I LOVE music and that words, tunes, and voices actually affect my heart. Well, over the weekend I played the piano and listened to some great songs that just lifted my spirit enough to push me. Songs like You Are For Me by Kari Jobe, Carry On by Fun, and Girl On Fire but Alicia Keys (I like a wide variety of music). I am a total believer in music therapy and honestly, the music helped me. A friend also reminded me that it was ok to cry, to feel weak. I have always tried to maintain an even mood and a positive attitude over this 5 year struggle, but I was just tired. So, I allowed myself to cry…a lot, and now I’m back…this girl is on fire! If you are feeling troubled or overwhelmed I encourage you to take the risk and tell someone. We are made for community; reach out, listen, make people laugh, and don’t judge. What may not mean much to you may mean the world to someone else. Take the time to be there. I am so thankful to those who reached out and continue to listen, to cry, and make me laugh.

Today I wear Givenchy Le Rouge lipstick in Carmen Escarpin…who could resist that fun name? It is a coral/red which is a hot pop of color for spring. This formula is described as semi-matte which I try to stay away from because of my dry lips, but it actually feels creamy and it is longer lasting. Until next time…Cheers!

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Taking A Break

25 Feb

2013-02-19 05.17.29

Last week we spent a week in paradise. We got out of the cold and snowy Michigan weather and took a trip to beautiful Punta Cana. The weather was perfect; hot and sunny everyday, the sand was white and the ocean was beautiful and blue. Everyday was spent by the pool and beach and it was precious time spent with my family. Looking at the kids I realize that we only have a few years left with my oldest before he’s an adult; time slips by so fast. It was a great break from the cold but also the monotony of every day, busy life. I took some time to really think about everything that has happened over the past few weeks with the blood test and ultrasound and I couldn’t help feeling a little sad. If you read my Dear Cancer letter you knew that just a few weeks ago it was anger that I was feeling, but today, not so much. I guess I’m sad because this whole cancer/cancer survivor/possible cancer story will always be a part of my life, but not just me, those around me too. There were times on this vacation that I had trouble breathing. Whether it was the humidity, allergies, whatever it was, it was that constant reminder that cancer had taken something from me and I was sad. Another thing I noticed, which made me even more sad, was that I feel like I’m losing my smile (metaphorically speaking). Previous to all of this cancer stuff, I had no problems keeping a smile on my face but now, at times, it feels a little like a struggle and I hate it. Maybe it’s just now but I can’t really tell. I am desperately seeking out the magic and the blessing in every day and I still find it, but my smile seems to be fading a little. Anyhow, I guess it’s that whole cancer roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off of completely.2013-02-17 22.15.05

Just to update you all on what’s going on, since the ultrasound didn’t show any sizable tumors and my number was only elevated by a small number, my doctor thought that it was not a medical necessity to do the PET scan yet, but he said as soon as my insurance will cover it (October), he will schedule it right away. So now, we wait…again. I thought I would be able to forget about it for awhile because I trust my doctor and his decision, but the thought of that elevated number keeps popping into my mind. If you’re a praying person, I’m asking for a little peace until October. I trust in God’s plan and I’m mainly praying for the peace and the freedom to live every day to the fullest…with an easy smile on my face. Thank you for walking with me on my lipstick journey.

Today I wear YSL Golden Gloss in Golden Shell which is a sheer pinky beige color. First of all, these glosses have real gold flecks in them and are a little pricey, but I LOVE them. The texture, color, and consistency of these are awesome! They have some vibrant colors that I also own and they are all beautiful and can be worn on their own or on top of lipstick. I chose Golden Shell because it reminded me of the sand on the beach. Cheers!

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Dear Cancer

7 Feb

mad

Dear Cancer,

I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you. You keep wanting to get back together and for whatever reason, my body lets you. Well I’m done, I’m sick of all the game playing and I’m sick of you messing with my mind. I wish I could say that my relationship with you has made me stronger, braver, more courageous, but I just don’t know anymore. Now that you’re trying to get back together only bad feelings come up. You have made me more insecure about myself, you’ve made me sad, and I have shed too many tears because of you. You not only affect me, you have widespread effects on people I love and care about. They don’t even know what to say anymore; you leave a train of destruction and pain. It may surprise you but I love my life, and yes, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart constantly to the blessings around me. Are you trying to teach me something? Is there a lesson to learn? Well I got it, I’m good, so please stop showing up. Don’t underestimate me, I am not going down.

So here we are at another crossroads. Will you ever leave me alone? Hate is a strong word that I never use, but I’m beginning to hate you. You have broken my heart over and over, but I will not let you break my spirit.

Anna

PS I am ready to fight so I am wearing my Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent!

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My Heavy Heart

2 Feb

survivor

What a week! This past week I was out of town for an important meeting with my new company. It was both exciting, because of some new things we are doing, and stressful, because we were also being tested on new information. All in all, it was fun because the company is small and I was able to spend time with some great people from across the country. This week I also found out that one of my former colleagues was tragically killed in a car accident leaving a wife and four young children. I was not close to him but remember having a few conversations at corporate functions. Just the thought of him leaving for work in the morning and not coming home puts a knot in my stomach and it is once again the reminder of the brevity of life.

Anyhow, this week I got the news I was waiting for. On Tuesday while I was sitting in one of the general sessions of my meeting I received a call from my doctor, the results of my blood-work were in. So here is what I was thinking leading up to this, it’s been over two years, a few scares along the way, but if this blood-work was clean I was going to be able to finally start breathing a little easier about the cancer coming back. It would be the longest time between cancer ever coming back and in my head I would’ve been ‘semi’ home free. Unfortunately the news was not what I wanted to hear. My number was outside or above normal which indicates cancer somewhere in my body. Not exactly the news I was expecting. There are many questions and unfortunately no answers. My doctor said that since the test is so new and the patients that need it are so rare, he is not aware of any possible variables in the number. So what’s next?  PET scan and ultrasound to determine if, what, and where. Another obstacle to getting more answers, since changing jobs, I have new insurance and right now my new insurance may not cover those tests until May because of a pre-existing clause. So, all of this during a very important company meeting…it was too much. Fortunately, because I am an actor, I kept my game on and did extremely well at the meeting and the testing despite the fact that since receiving the news on Tuesday I slept very little and was trying to keep tears at bay, talk about extreme emotions.

For today my heart feels a little heavier and my head is swimming but I am still trusting in God’s plan. Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glacé in Brownberry. I love these glosses because they are not too sheer, moisturizing, and feel great on the lips; they also have a vanilla smell. I chose this color because it gives me a perfect natural color for everyday. It’s got a hint of berry but is still natural. For now my journey continues, not yet fully confident but still with that hint of hope. To be continued…..

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Music

26 Jan

singing

The topic this week for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘music’. Where should I start? I don’t know what my life would be like without music. You know when you’re watching a movie and if something scary or emotional is taking place there’s music in the background? My world is a little like that. For many of the events in my life, there is a song that matches. Music has always been a part of me thanks mostly to my parents. They love music and even from my earliest memories, I have always been surrounded with it; from musicals, to classical concerts in the park, or even my dad singing around the house or conducting a fake orchestra. My mom says I sang all the way to Detroit on the flight from the Philippines when I was 2, Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells. At age 8, I saw the musical Annie and memorized the songs with dreams of being Annie (Asian Annie? no way). At 9 or 10 I saw Grease and learned ,Hopelessly Devoted to You, Asian Sandy? Not a chance. Dance lessons and piano lessons started at the age of 7 and at ag14 I sang and played the piano for the first time in public at a talent show and won first place, Looking Through the Eyes of Love. It all came together, Guys and Dolls, Brigadoon, Anything Goes, West Side Story; musicals in high school and college brought my singing and dancing together. Sometimes when I see people I care about or if I’m going through emotional times I hear music, different songs pop in my head. Waking up from my first surgery,It Is Well, surviving my second surgery, Good To Be Me, surviving cancer the third time, How Could I Ask For More. wss

Yes, music has shaped me and has allowed me to express myself in different ways. The way music affects me is difficult to describe, sometimes it’s the melody, sometimes, the words, and sometimes the voice itself. Victor Hugo said it best,“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”. What about you? What does the soundtrack of your life sound like? I know my story is not done, my musical is still being written and I’m still hearing the music; it’s pretty cool.

Today I wear lipstick from a local Michigan cosmetic company called Whip Hand Cosmetics. I am wearing their Lip Creme in Shock which is a beautiful deep pinky plum color. I love this lip creme because it feels lighter than lipstick and is super moisturizing. It’s hard to describe because it feels like a non-sticky gloss but the color lasts like a stain…simply awesome. I also have to talk about their most popular product Set the Stage Makeup Primer. I have literally tried at least 10 primers from Laura Mercier, to Smashbox, to even Revlon. Since I’m in my 40’s I’m just looking for something that can smooth my face without feeling thick. Theirs has been the best so far! It feels smooth, blurs the lines and does not feel like another layer of something on your face under your makeup. Again, hard to describe. Enjoy the music that is your life!

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People

21 Jan

morning magic

Wow, has it been almost two weeks since my last post? It’s not for lack of ideas on what to write. In fact, I read a quote somewhere which said that quiet people have the noisiest minds; or something like that. For some who know me, you may think I am not quiet by nature…untrue, I am an introvert who over the years of being in sales have become a trained extrovert. Over the past couple weeks I have been able to meet with a few friends for coffee or just brief one on one time. It’s a time I cherish developing and deepening relationships. Each one has a different background, life, goals, etc, it’s so interesting hearing their stories and their feelings about different things and it gives great perspectives on how past and current events change you and make you who you are today. I met with a close friend going through a divorce and I can’t help but hurt for her and her kids. It’s a struggle for her to balance what’s best for her, what’s best for her kids while trying to guess what their future looks like. There are many facets to her story and it’s just awful. The beautiful part is that she hasn’t lost her faith and is now relying on it, along with her friends to get her family through. I met with another beautiful friend and jewelry designer Michele Saulson for ‘girl time’ and a private shopping experience in her home. It was great getting to know her better, talking about our families, and listening to her goals for her company; and of course shopping her awesome stuff! saulson designsSo many people, so many stories. Here’s what I know, everyone is going through and experiencing life differently and you can’t judge them based on how they look, what you think you know, or even on just one or two interactions. A big story that has come out recently has to do with Notre Dame football player Manti Te’0 and his ‘virtual’ fake or real girlfriend. I don’t know the whole story and whether he’s lying or telling the truth. I do know that it’s a sad statement to think that he considered this person that he met on-line his girlfriend?! Have we come to the point where we don’t need face to face, physical contact with other human beings? I hope not. I know I need it and I’m pretty sure our society craves it. Once again, love God, love others. Look people in the eye, smile, hug.

As of today I still have no results from my blood work but it’s still one day at a time. I read a quote (sorry for all the quotes today) that said, “To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.” – Oswald Cambers. Breathless expectation, I love that. I still seek the magic everyday and most of the time it finds me through people.

Today I wear Mary Kay NouriShine Plus Lip Gloss in Beach Bronze. I got a sample of this believe it or not in my son’s Halloween bag after trick or treating in the neighborhood. It was in a bag with a candy bar and it had a tag on it with a business card which said, ‘something for mom’; clever idea I must say. Anyhow, it’s a great bronzy color with a bit of shimmer. It has a great non-sticky consistency and is surprisingly long lasting. I chose the color because it can be worn as both a wintery bronze on me (because I’m tan) but also in the summer for that sun-kissed look. I mainly chose it for the name. It’s been really cold the past few days in Michigan and the name ‘Beach Bronze’ just captured me! Cheers!

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