Tag Archives: friendship

I Ran

29 Apr

Yesterday I ran in a 5K race (3.1miles). This might seem insignificant to some, but for me it was a milestone, a miracle. My cancer surgeries and treatments have made it very difficult to participate in any type of cardiovascular activity because of my difficulty breathing. For those who don’t know, one of my vocal cords is paralyzed and because of scar tissue from three surgeries and external beam radiation along with swallowing I-131 radiation, my other vocal cord sits close to the other and moves a little slower. Picture drinking through a straw…lots of liquid. Now squeeze the straw so that it’s only open less than half the width, not much liquid can pass through and it’s that much more difficult to suck liquid in. That is how I breathe because my opening is less than half of a normal person’s. Without activity, I breathe just fine; but when I’m doing something active like running, I have to take at least twice as many breaths just to get air into my lungs. It’s a whole process of taking shorter faster breaths to keep going. Six months ago I could barely walk a mile on a treadmill without having to slow down and try to catch my breath, yesterday, I ran 3.1 miles. Now, I do have to say there were periods of walking, but a lot less than I thought. In fact, I finished 80th out of 134 in my age group (I pictured being last but finishing nonetheless). As I crossed the finish line, I could not help but break down and cry. It was a run for health, and faith, and for me, after four long years of fighting, it felt like a first step of trusting my body again, or as a quote I read on another cancer blog, ‘honoring a goal after a sea of disappointment’. I felt and still feel great! Of course I couldn’t do it alone. My friend Frances was there to encourage me and coach me through all the way. I knew this was something I wanted to do eventually and she helped lead me and keep me committed to this race (of course, there were times I wanted to back out).

After all the struggles with cancer and consequently my voice and my breathing, I can say that I can talk, sing, and run. Not without some struggles, but I feel blessed. Thank you to Frances and to all my friends and family that have helped and encouraged me. Thanks also to all of you who follow my lipstick journey!

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural in N47. It’s red and moisturizing….it is the red lipstick I was wearing when I crossed the finish line!

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Behind The Smile

24 Apr

Last week I had a routine exam with my radiation oncologist.  Unlike my other doctor appointments I see him at the hospital instead of an office or clinic. These appointments are especially emotional because I am back in the hospital in the same area/waiting room where I waited every day for seven weeks to get zapped with radiation for a half an hour. Looking around the lobby you see the same thing. All kinds of people, different colors and ages, with different types of cancer waiting their turn. Usually they are there with a caregiver, some are there alone. I couldn’t help but feel for them, especially the really young and the really old. Radiation is no walk in the park. It’s difficult and painful and near the end, it takes all your strength away. I tried to make eye contact and smile at everyone, but there was so much sadness and fear. I sat there very thankful that I was there for a routine check up and nothing else, but the crowded room always takes my breath away.

I also got the chance to meet with a couple girlfriends of mine over lunch (two different friends, two different meetings). They are very similar in current ‘life’ situations. Both excelling in their careers, both young(ish), and both single moms. If you saw either one of them they would be the ones that look put together, always social, always smiling and accomodating. What makes them miles different is their stories up to this point and what’s behind the smile. One has had outstanding family support and love throughout and one has not. One is confident in who she is and believes she can move forward confidently and one questions if her decisions have been right, she even has difficulty forgiving herself despite the support of her friends. We are so molded by our histories, they affect how we look at life and ourselves. When you talk to people and question how they are why they are, first ask them where they came from.

What’s behind a smile? In the waiting room, I was smiling, but inside I was sad for those around me and overcome with emotion at how far I’d come. Behind one friend’s smile was hope and excitement for the future, my other friend had uncertainty and sadness behind her smile. Yesterday we got the news that a 14 year old relative passed away. He had many friends and did well in school but no one knew what was behind that smile. Love people, listen to their stories, love your kids and tell them often. We all need validation and care.

Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick on Prayer. This lipstick is a mauvey-brown color which pretty much any skintone can wear…very neutral. This particular formula from Kat Von D is rich in color and fairly moisturizing; it also lasts a very long time! I chose this color today mainly because if the name (although I do have this one in my bag for everyday). I lift up in prayer all those who are hurting behind their smiles.

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Now

16 Apr

This week’s word for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘now’. So I am going to write everything that happens to be going through my mind right now. I have a really good friend going through a divorce and I’m so sad for them and their family. It happens to be a family we’re close to and have even vacationed with and we are stunned to say the least. I’m sad because another good friend found out last week that her husband has cancer. Like us, they have three kids and I know first hand how hearing the word cancer affects not only you, but the whole family. I’m sitting here wondering why the world seems like it’s upside down and crazy. I’m wondering if I am in the job that I’m going to be in for the rest of my life. It’s not horrible, but is that it? After 21 years, I guess it is, but it makes me a little sad because after cancer I feel there is so much more. I’m wondering what activities the kids have this week, what time, and who’s driving. I’m wondering if I have to cook dinner again tomorrow or if we have enough leftovers from tonight.  I’m wondering if I really want to exercise tonight even though I know that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose my stride and it will be an uphill battle to start up again. I’m wondering when the wind will die down. I’m wondering if my difficulty breathing is due to the extreme changes in weather and my allergies or if it’s something else. I’m wondering what my day with my boss is going to be like tomorrow. I’m wondering how many inches I should cut off my hair on Thursday.

Ok, that’s all. my mind is obviously wound up and filled with emotion, sorry for the rambling. I guess I should go to the gym. Right now I am wearing Dior Addict Lip Glow (yes, another Dior). It is by far one of my most favorite lip products. It feels like a balm and brings out the natural pink color of your lips and yes, it actually adds color to your lips based on your chemistry, temperature…who knows, who cares, it’s awesome!

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Home

14 Apr

This summer I will be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. I actually got married young by today’s standards, one year after graduating college (he graduated ahead of me). For the first few years of marriage, we were commuters. I had an apartment in Indiana where I was placed for my first job, and he was in Chicago for medical school. People have asked why we didn’t just wait until he was done instead of only seeing each other on weekends for the first few years. Well, we were young and in love and that’s well, what else is there to say? Anyhow, it was a honeymoon every weekend and we did wait 6 years to have our first child. Since the beginning of our marriage we have had 10 different addresses in three states (I am also counting the two addresses he had while in school since I would visit and it would be our home for the weekend). 3 of the homes we had built from the bottom up, 1 of the homes was a ‘spec’ home which means it was half done, we chose the rest, 1 was a builders model home, and today’s house was an older home that we have put blood, sweat, and tears into in re-doing each room, one by one. Our first child had gone to three different schools by the time he was in second grade and my other two experienced the stress of remodeling our current house while also dealing with my cancer. It has been quite the ride and today, we have had the same address for 7 years, the longest we have stayed anywhere. Sometimes I am jealous of some of my friends who got married and put roots down somewhere and never moved but I don’t think I would change things, it’s what I know.

This week my cousins and aunt are visiting from California and the Philippines. I haven’t seen my cousin from the Philippines in almost 30 years (I think we look the same, like no time has passed). It reminded me of the journey my parents took 40 years ago leaving friends and family with a 3 year old (me) to start a better life for the generations to come. It was a huge move away from all they knew, from their home. What is a home? You’ve heard the cliche’ “Home is where the heart is”. For me that’s true. If I were Dorothy in Oz and clicked those red shoes three times, they would bring me to my home; not defined by a city, state, or address, but solely defined by where my family happens to be. The upside from all the moves is that I don’t get attached to things (even though I don’t think I really ever have). I don’t get attached to homes, or stuff for that matter. The slight downside is that it has become harder for me to get attached to people because in the back of my mind I’m thinking about our next move. The invention of Facebook of course has changed that dramatically because I can now reconnect and stay in touch with all the people in my life past and present and I’m thankful. Through the moves I have met some incredible people and lifelong friends. When cancer came I cannot think of one person past or present that did not reach out to me. I reiterate this, sometimes we just have a moment to impact someone in either a positive or negative way…make it count.

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick In New York. I love Dior lipsticks and this is a pinky brown which is quite easy to wear with anything. New York is the place I thought I would be living (because of my Broadway dreams) but have only gone to visit. Life takes us along many different paths and I never look back. Home IS where the heart is.

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Random

10 Apr

Do you ever get that feeling that time is just slipping away and you haven’t done anything significant? For the past few weeks this has been me. Working, eating, sleeping, just normal day to day stuff. Last week I had to go back to my corporate office for some advanced training. Although some of the material was good and seeing old friends was awesome, my kids were on Spring Break and I hated being away. One major thing the past few years with cancer has taught me is that time is so precious. It’s hard to wrap my head around this new normal for me and it’s hard expressing it into words. All I know is that I cry more easily and that I feel more deeply. I also value each moment and have a burning in my chest to do something significant. Not really for me, but for others. I want people to see life as beautiful and to live passionately because my heart is bursting. I’m sick of all the facades and the unspoken words…tick tock tick tock…time is just flying by and we can’t go back. I really am having difficulty expressing myself aren’t I?

Let’s put it this way, our life is like a book, each day, each season, is a new chapter…would you keep reading it? If you were a sitcom or a movie, would you keep watching? No, its not always an adventure, we do have the day to day mundane, but there are people we run into in our day and investing in their story can be a small adventure. Oh well, I’m rambling now. Do you think all survivors feel like this? I guess because I’ve been through a lot and know for certain there will be an end to this life (maybe sooner than later), I want to make mine count. Last week at our training we were given personality evaluations based on a questionnaire we had to fill out. One of the concluding statements given to me was, ‘she lives in the present, she tries to live each moment as a satisfying personal experience’.  Yup….

Today I wear Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl which is a siren red. I have to say, like any matte lipstick, it’s a little dry but if you pat it into your lips with your finger and apply lip balm or a gloss on top, it’s fine. Obviously this color is bright red….HOT. I chose it because I have a burning passion to live life.

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Mirror,Mirror

31 Mar

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Most of us look and see our flaws. For me, it’s the new gray hairs, the lines that are starting to show, etc. What about the positives? Do we ever look and say, ‘Dang, I’m gorgeous!’ or ‘Wow, new lines. It’s wonderful seeing life experiences on my face.’ Believe me, those things have NEVER come to mind while looking at myself. But what if mirrors could talk back? What would they say?

Recently, Snow White has made a comeback. Once Upon A Time (a new TV show I love on ABC–I love fairytales), Mirror Mirror with Julia Roberts, Snow White and The Huntsman coming out with Kristen Stewart of Twilight fame…remember the mirror? ‘You are the fairest of them all.’ If my mirror could talk to me I would hope it says, ‘It’s ok, you’re beautiful. You see the lines around your eyes, I can see into your eyes and the experience and wisdom you have gained through the years; you see lines around your mouth, I see the imprint of joy and all of your moments smiling; the gray hairs? Well, that can be colored.’

What is a true mirror in our lives? Our friends and family. Think about it, the people we connect with reflect back to us how we treat them. Kindness begets kindness. Love bounces back (most of the time). Authenticity brings truth to relationships; and if you haven’t noticed, for the most part, a smile brings on a smile. What do your friends think about you? They are your mirror. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Look in the mirror and realize there is no one else quite like you!

Today I wear Bobbi Brown High Shimmer lipgloss in Bare Sparkle, a champagne colored shimmery gloss. It is BEAUTIFUL and goes well on top of lipstick to add a beautiful shimmer. I chose it because it’s beautiful and sparkly on its own which is what I hope to be.

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Coffee Anyone?

28 Mar

This morning I met a friend for coffee. She is going through a difficult time (it seems like it’s going around) and I wanted to just spend a little time with her to listen. For 20 minutes I listened to her stories, we laughed a little, and cried a lot. She was able to share her feelings, her questions about what was going on, and also share her frustrations; and although I did not have answers for her and I’m very careful about giving out advice, I was there. How long does it take you to enjoy one cup of coffee? By the end of our one cup of coffee, we had deepened our friendship, even if it was deepened only a fragment.

I admit it, I am not that great of a friend. I am a natural introvert (which is why I have a lifetime of journals, literally since I was 8 years old). I know it’s surprising to even some of my closest friends to hear because I am in sales and I have been a performer all my life. I went to a leadership seminar once and took one of those personality tests and I was told that I am an introvert but a forced extrovert…a 5 on a scale from 1 being total introvert to 10 being total extrovert.  Whatever. All I know is that I don’t enjoy talking on the phone that much so I believe texting was actually invented for me. Since I am forced to talk and socialize all day for my job, as an introvert, I actually have to recharge myself at different times of the day, and in order to do that, I have always read, played the piano, or listened to music…no talking…alone. If I don’t get that time in the day I feel stressed.

Relationships though, take time. Talking, face to face, or on the phone. Since cancer, I have learned many things and have chosen to live a little differently. For one thing, I have chosen to invest more into people. We live in an incredibly fast paced society and our communication (as much as I love texting) has become impersonal. People have become less friendly and more protective of themselves. I get it, life is hard, the economy stinks, the stories you hear on the news get worse and worse. One thing I did learn is that in the end, we need each other. When I couldn’t speak, people would sit with me and speak to me, tell me stories of their day and just tell me stuff, I loved it. I love to listen and hear people’s stories because it gives you a glimpse into the experiences that have molded them, it also gives you a glimpse into their heart. I read a quote that said, “Our life is a storybook we write for ourselves; wonderfully illustrated by the people we meet.”(unkown author)

My commitment is to have a cup of coffee at least once a week with a friend, old or new, just to listen or to deepen a relationship. It is my challenge to you. It doesn’t take that long and yet relationship with others is what we yearn for. I may or may not share a story or two, but it could get interesting. Make yourself available, 20 minutes is not that long.

Today’s lipstick is Revlon Coffee Bean (I coudn’t resist). It is a shimmery light brown color which actually looks great on tan skin in the summer. I have worn this lipstick off and on for at least the last 15 years. Revlon lipsticks go on smooth and are moisturizing, I like them. My only problem is that you can’t try them on so I have made too many mistakes to guess which is right for me. Coffee anyone?

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Extreme

26 Mar

The past week or so has been one of those crazy weeks filled with extreme emotion. It’s Sunday night, I’m exhausted and tomorrow starts a new week. About a week ago, I met with a good friend from college for a lipstick and lunch date…now how can you go wrong with lipstick and food? It was great catching up with her while trying on lipstick followed by lunch! Extreme fun! A few days later, I got a call from one of my closest friends telling me she and her husband were getting divorced. This was devastating news to both my husband and myself because they are close ‘couple’ friends. You know, it’s hard to find a couple you both like to hang with. It was a complete shock and so sad, even she was surprised; he just decided to up and leave her and their two kids. Extreme low. Friday I sang at my doctor’s annual World Voice Day Celebration. This was my fourth year attending and singing and every year has been different. The first year was after my first surgery and my voice was decent, the second, was after my third surgery and radiation and my vocal cords were paralyzed. Last year, I was still recovering, and this year, well, I am cancer free. My voice has changed quite a bit (obviously), and singing with one vocal cord is such a thought process, but it was overwhelming and awesome. As I stepped out on the stage I was overcome with emotion because it has been such a long road and not only did it feel like a miracle being there singing, but my ‘voice team’ who took care of me from the beginning was there right along side of me cheering me on. I picked a difficult song and it wasn’t the best I’ve ever sounded, but I was there. Extreme high. Saturday night, I was at a ‘girl’ party with one of my best high school friends whom I reconnected with a couple years ago as I was going through cancer the third time. It’s incredible how true friendship works, we don’t see each other for 20 years and we talk like not a day has gone by. Anyhow, it was a fun party with just a handful of women. Extreme joy and laughter. Today…extreme exhaustion.

Each day was different, each day holds a memory, each day involved relationships. So now, as today ends, we have tomorrow. Life is crazy and fun and sad and filled with so many tidbits in a day. Don’t miss the moments. Take in every emotion, as much as your heart breaks, it gets recharged with love and joy. Love people, they need you as much as you need them and be open to whatever may come next!

Today I wear Bobbi Brown High Shimmer Lip Gloss in Electric Violet, A pinkish, violet shimmery lip gloss. Gorgeous color for spring and summer. This is a newer formulation for Bobbi and it combines vitamins to help moisturize your lips and is not sticky. The colors are still sheer so you can wear it over lipstick if you choose, but they do add a good amount of color on their own.  I chose it because life can be electric if you let it! Enjoy!

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Trials

14 Mar

This morning I spoke to a friend of mine who has been struggling with some major family issues for awhile. As she told me everything she was going through my heart hurt for her and her trials brought me to tears. She said she didn’t want to burden me with her stuff because of everything I was going through with my cancer tests. Why does God allow pain? This is the question many people struggle with and I certainly have no answers. I know for me, during all of the trials and tribulations of my repeated cancer diagnosis and treatments, I would not have been able to stay calm and at peace without having faith that God had a perfect plan and that I was not in control. People always asked how I could maintain my faith throughout everything and all I have to say is that I could not have ‘maintained’ without it.

I believe trials in life (and everyone I know has been through at least one) can either harden your heart or soften it. For me, my heart is softer, and listening to my friend’s hurt made me feel her pain. We go through trials to be able to help others, so we need to open our eyes to see and our hearts to listen and feel because no matter how hard we think we have it, someone is doing worst and needs you. Be there. Life is about people, what will our legacy be?

Today’s lipstick is Lancôme L’absolu Rouge in Berry Noir. It’s a beautiful berry color which would be great for spring and summer and this particular formula has great consistency, lots of color, and is moisturizing too. I wear it because spring is a time of new beginnings, and when life throws you a detour it’s great to get a fresh start.

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Reunion

10 Mar

This past week I was in Nashville for my National Meeting. Besides the actual meeting part, it was great seeing people from across the country that I haven’t seen since last June. Remember, last June was an emotional time for me because I had just gotten the news that my doctor thought my cancer was back. These were my new friends who carried me through a crazy time during three weeks of training for a new job. Anyhow, it was a happy reunion because of my recent ‘non’ cancer diagnosis. It has taken a couple weeks for the cancer free news to soak in. My immediate reaction was joy of course followed by doubt ( I’m pretty sure that’s normal), but for the first time since the news, I feel great about it. I think the more I talk about it and the more I tell people I am now cancer free, the more I believe it and become confident. I think that may be true for all people in different circumstances. If you can talk abut it, there are people out there willing to listen and help, and maybe just to give you a hug; and sometimes, we just need to hear ourselves outloud to believe what we say in our heads. I will be singing in a couple weeks and I’m deathly nervous but I’m challenging myself. If we don’t try, we don’t know.

Funny mom story from the week away because I think moms always wonder how dads do with kids while we’re gone. I got a text from my youngest boy who’s 9 saying dad’s not doing that good of a job because he let the dog sleep with him, so he asked if I would do the laundry when I got home. Later in the day I spoke to my husband and he tells me my 9 year old got out of the shower, got ready for bed, then told my husband he shaved his mustache. “What?” “Yup, I used Audrey’s razor and her shaving cream called Satan” Yes, he said Satan, Audrey’s shaving cream is called Satin Gel….

This week I was a little stressed because of all the meeting prep, plus a presentation to give. Consequently I developed a cold sore so my lipstick of the week was limited to Carmex and Abreva although near the end of the week I finally was able to switch to Buxom Big andHealthy Lip Cream in Purple Haze. That’s what it felt like all week with 2000 people in the giant Opryland Hotel…a haze. This lip gloss is awesome. For me it was a slight deep berry color which is just a hint deeper than my lipcolor. I love the consistency of this particular gloss and it is free of parabens and sulfates. It also gives a little tingle when applied to lips!

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