Tag Archives: life lessons

It Is Well

2 Dec

sky

The month of December has played a big part in my cancer experience. It was December 2007 when I first felt a lump at the base of my neck which started this whole journey. December 2009 I was told my cancer was back for the third time. December and Christmas now have both happy and sad memories and I find myself feeling reflective always praying for a better New Year. When I was in the hospital recovery room after my first surgery I had a vision or a dream, whatever you want to call it. This is something I have only told two people. One, a nurse who came to visit me every day in the ICU after my first radiation treatment, the other, a friend of mine who happens to be nurse, just out of the blue because she posted something on Facebook that brought up this particular memory.

My first surgery was unintentionally 7 hours long because of the amount of cancer in my neck. My nerve was cut leaving my right vocal cord permanently paralyzed. Without me knowing (obviously), my family was told devastating news..cancer and prognosis was bad, voice was probably gone, I would be in the ICU for a couple days and in the hospital for a few more days after that. It took awhile for me to wake up in the recovery room after the long surgery but I have a VIVID memory prior to waking up. If you’ve been following my blog you know I am a singer. What I saw before opening my eyes was me on a stage under a spotlight. I was alone, on the stage, in front of a black curtain and all I saw was the bright light and nothing else, no audience. I was singing a capella, no accompaniment, an old hymn called It Is Well With My Soul. All I felt was joy and peace as I sang it to no one, face in the light. When I opened my eyes moments later to see my husband teary eyed with bad news all I could feel was calm, I cry thinking about it. Here are some of the lyrics:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

  • Refrain:
    It is well, with my soul,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

So here I am today, December 2012. Life has had its challenges but no matter what has happened and what will come it is still well with my soul. In the hustle and bustle of the holidays and as we close out another year, take a deep breath and be thankful for life. Happy December!

Today I wear MAC Sheen Supreme lipstick in Bare Again which is a pinky beige color. This is my favorite MAC formulation because it’s super moisturizing but also has lots of color. I chose Bare Again kind of for the name because technically with the memories of my past Decembers along with the sheer busyness of this season I sometimes feel raw or ‘bare’. It is also a good ‘nude’ type lipstick, not too beige, and a little ‘pinky’. Cheers!

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Too Busy

28 Nov

Wow, does life ever just ‘coast’? For those who live in America, I pray all of you had a Happy Thanksgiving. A few things have happened the past couple of weeks that have dramatically changed my schedule, all while starting and adjusting to a new job!  First, my oldest son (who broke his hand last month and had to have surgery and pins) got his stitches taken out on a Friday and was trying out for the high school freshman basketball team the following Tuesday. Was I a nervous wreck? Of course. Well, he made the team and is so excited. That act alone added daily practices (including weekends and school breaks) and games from now until March. My daughter was in the school musical last month which was awesome. She did a great job and was happy to be a part. When we asked what she planned on trying next she said maybe some after school clubs because she didn’t really enjoy sports…ok. Well, out of the blue she decided to try out for the 7th grade basketball team and by surprise, she made it! She came home shocked herself and said, “I don’t know what happened.” So, tack on another practice every day plus games through February (on top of dance class). Then of course my youngest, yes, he is playing basketball too, practice twice a week plus two games a week. Never has my schedule been more packed. Today I am writing on the importance of rest. Besides feeling like a taxicab at night and weekends, I am working full time and am now trying to get ready for Christmas…it can be too much. What are some of the top side effects of stress and not enough rest?  Weight gain, sleeplessness, and mood swings…yes, yes, and yes. We have now entered the highest ‘stressful’ seasons by itself and without enough rest and relaxation, it could be very bad for your health. Take the time to sit still (which is hard for me to do too), breathe and be thankful, it helps the attitude.

On another note, I was thinking about those who might be struggling right now, like one of my old customers who lost his son this past summer from cancer. Life is hard. People have asked me how I hold on to hope through all the ups and downs of cancer. My answer is simple, sometimes it’s impossible but others have been there to fill me with hope or fill up my tank so to speak. Since the beginning of my cancer journey I have received numerous phone calls, cards and e-mails, some even from strangers, and I have saved them all. When I am feeling down all I have to do is read a few emails or cards and I start feeling that hope again. I also 100% believe that God has a plan and my hope is in Him. Sometimes we just need a word of encouragement to remind us how loved we are or how much we matter and when we feel that hope ourselves, we can share it with others who may need it. Can you think of anyone who may need a card or a text for a little encouragement? Why wait?

 

Today I wear Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Bordeaux. This is my favorite formulation of Lancome lipstick because it’s moisturizing and smooth. My fave red, Merlot, comes from this formula , but today I chose Bordeaux which is a soft burgundy color with lots of shimmer…perfect for the holiday season. I love it!

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Changes and Thankfulness

18 Nov

When I started my sales career after college over 21 years ago I was assigned a university hospital as one of my accounts. I remember being fresh out of college and placed in a city (and state for that matter) that I was unfamiliar with to begin ‘adulthood’. There were many changes like a phone bill, an electric bill, rent. etc; and I remember that first week driving through this college campus to get to the hospital to do my job. I cried. It was a huge transition and as I looked out at the college kids walking around with their backpacks (and some in pajamas), while I was in my suit, I couldn’t remember why I was ever ‘stressed’ in college, and I asked myself,’am I now doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do when I grow up?’ I wanted to go back. Fast forward to this week. I was assigned another university hospital with my new job and as I drove around the campus, I was filled with gratitude, it was like deja vu’ from when I first started. I smiled thinking about those old feelings in college, will I get a job? where will I end up? am I doing the right thing? why did I change my major? Even now some of those questions linger but I do know that life goes on and we follow a path based on our own mistakes and decisions and ultimately where God leads us.

Also this week, an old friend was asking about a television show I was on in the 80’s. It spurred conversation between a few of my other friends on Facebook and brought back fond memories of my past. Since I have to drive quite a bit for my new job, I brought a few CD’s I had of musicals, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, Rent…and as I tried to sing along with the soundtracks, for the first time in a long time I was a little heartbroken. I miss my singing voice. I have always loved music and was fortunate to do a lot of singing over the years and now, after cancer took away a vocal cord, it’s not so easy and I was feeling a little nostalgic and sad. I have to say though, it was because of my singing and my inability to reach some of the notes that I found my cancer (massaging my neck after singing somewhere because my throat was so sore).

So this week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am thankful for my singing because in a strange twist of fate, it’s what saved me. I am thankful for a career that allows me to talk to and meet all kinds of people. I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on, past, present, and even future. I am thankful for my family and friends; for all those who support me through this blog and my Facebook fanpage. Most of all, like all survivors, I am thankful for life. Blessings to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I wear Mac Sheen Supreme Lipstick in Can’t Resist. I LOVE these ultra moisturizing full color lipsticks! They feel almost like lipbalm, but a tiny bit thicker and are a full color lipstick! Can’t Resist is a plummy-red that is a great color for fall. I chose it because not only do I love the color, but I also love the name. When I think about my life and all that’s transpired I can’t resist smiling. Feeling blessed.

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Stained Glass

12 Nov

 

I read this great quote today (thank you to I Had Cancer), ‘People are like stained glass windows-they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in their beauty is revealed if there is a light from within.’

Last week I was at a meeting getting to know my new co-workers from across the country. Since the company is quite small, it was easy to meet and get to know the other 40 sales reps in the room. Reading the quote above reminded me of the week. We were all ‘stained glass windows’; we all had our ‘good’ clothes on, were on our best behavior, and for the most part, always had a smile on our faces. It was great meeting new people and learning a little about their backgrounds. As I was getting ready to leave my hotel room and meet everyone I realized how far I had come since walking into my first meeting 21 years ago. I was a shy introvert who struggled with a bit of social anxiety. On a personality test at a management meeting, the evaluator said I was a natural introvert, but forced extrovert (maybe that’s why I love acting?). In the past, I was perfectly comfortable with small talk and keeping people (especially those I work with) at a safe distance, but this time was different. I believe God has you where you need to be and I don’t believe you meet people by accident; I believe it now more than ever post cancer. So here I was, an open book, pressing in. It doesn’t take much these days to open someone up, people want to share, they want to be hugged, they want someone who can look them in their eyes, we just don’t do it enough anymore…fear of hurt? Anyhow, the stories I heard from different people, wow. Families hurt by divorce, a mom with cancer, a mother-in-law in her last days, others starting over and afraid of the unfamiliar. It was overwhelming, heartbreaking, and encouraging. On the last day I was speaking to one of my new co-workers (and new friend), and he asked how I found out so much about people. It was simple, I asked then I listened. It’s the same thing I want, someone to ask and listen, truly someone who cares. So what about you? Where has God placed you? Who are in your sphere of influence? We can’t all be Mother Theresa or Billy Graham, but we do have people right in front of us that want to know that they matter. I know because I’m one of them. Reach out, you may be the only one.

Today I wear an old standby Dior Addict Lip Glow. I LOVE this stuff. This is the only product that hits the bottom of the tube and I re-purchase. It is an incredible lip balm that brings out the natural pink ‘glow’ of your lips. I chose it for today because of the quote “…but when darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed if there is a light from within.” Cheers!

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Common Thread

6 Nov

“You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words…” CS Lewis

I’ve been in a little funk lately, just feeling kind of ‘gray’. I guess it is a normal thing for cancer/former cancer patients to feel when on a downswing wondering which direction life is leading them (I think it’s normal for everyone). Anyhow, over the past few years I have run into many people affected by cancer; cancer survivors/fighters and those that support them. As I thought about the quote by CS Lewis, I believe you can find a common thread in people who you are attracted to, or close friends; but speaking to ‘cancer’ people, there are definitely commonalities. Here are some to think about:

*Fighter.Survivor.Strong.Courageous. All great labels, but sometimes we either don’t want the name (figher/survivor) or don’t feel like we’ve done anything to deserve the name (strong/courageous). We simply did what we had to do and rose to the occasion.

*For those of us who have survived, we wonder what our greater purpose is.

*We don’t stress too much about small stuff or really very much of anything.

*We expect the best from people, honesty, love, no games

*Sometimes we want to just spend the money, we wonder why we’re saving

*We are more fearless and take more risks

*We are more emotional because we have been broken

*We like peace

*We get nervous with every little change in our body, even if its allergies or a cold. We are very aware of EVERY change and wonder if it’s the cancer or a side effect of the treatment

*We realize that while the world around us has generally stayed the same, we are forever changed

*Time is everything and checking items off that bucket list is now a priority

It’s a tough journey and I would have rather not been part of it, but we don’t get to choose. Looking at the list it seems everyone, cancer or not, would have those common threads. Why must a life-changing illness remind is to keep life simple?

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Raisin. I love Bobbi lipsticks for both their moisturizing, color, texture…really, they are just great lipsticks.  It’s a medium brown/plum shade that I love. Raisin has been my go-to color for at least 10 years, keeping it simple today. Cheers!

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Patriotism

1 Nov

Patriotism-Love of country.

In 1972, my parents moved to the United States from the Philippines. This was a HUGE decision for them considering they had only been married about 5 years, they had a three year old(me), and they were leaving all of their family and friends, not to mention most of their belongings.  Why the risk? For a better life for them and a better future for their kids.  With no jobs and a child, they moved into a small apartment in Detroit with the little money they had to start with. They tell me we only started with a mattress and some blankets. Both college educated, my dad found a job as an accountant with a hospital and my mom who had a degree in nutrition got a job as a social worker for the state. We were on our way. Fast forward 40 years to today.  Both of my parents are retired, I have graduated college and have a great family and career, and my brother is a professional actor in New York City. Was it a better life for my parents? I’m not sure, you’d have to ask them. Was it a great life for my brother and myself? Absolutely. We were given and still have all the opportunities in America to succeed and I am so thankful to be here.

One of the greatest traits of America is freedom. We are free to express our faith and our own opinions and I pray that never changes. Today I voted for our future president along with other political positions and different proposals that would change things in our community. I will be out of town next week so I was able to do an absentee ballot. As I made my selections I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed that my voice makes a difference, another freedom. I have been back to the Philippines twice, do I love it? Of course, it’s where I came from; but do I love America? Absolutely, land of the free, home of the brave. God Bless America.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Allure lipstick in Inimitable (which means unique). Chanel is famous for red lipsticks. If you can’t find a red for you at their counter, there may not be a red you’re satisfied with. The Rouge Allure formulation is a full color lipstick that I love and I chose this color because it’s a red that works for me. Today it’s red representing the RED, WHITE, and BLUE!!

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Another Birthday

25 Oct

Another birthday, another year older…wiser? Who knows. Every birthday since cancer and the bad news from the original surgery has been a BIG deal to me. When you are told by your physician that your prognosis doesn’t look good and quite possibly have less than a year, every moment counts. Since then, even though the cancer has come back a few times, my prognosis has been great and now here I am almost five years after my first surgery, time passes so quickly. When I walked the survivor lap at Relay for Life last year, the sign that pushed me over the edge and made me cry said, ‘I Love Birthdays.’ It’s true, today was pretty emotional. Today, like every birthday, I thought about everything that had transpired over the year and I also thought about how I have changed since cancer. Cancer has taken away a vocal cord which makes it more difficult to breathe and sing and talk sometimes, but I still can. Cancer has taken away a little bit of confidence in my body and health, but I can still run. Cancer has taken away a little bit of magic from my kids’ lives; the magic that helps them think their mom is invincible (at least while they’re young); remember they were only 5,7, and 10 when this all started. This week I was able to spend some time with a college friend and as I sat with her I realized we had been friends for over 20 years and it was awesome. I miss that. I miss the time I had when I was recovering after each surgery, the times when I couldn’t speak and just listened to people and cultivated relationships. We all wish we had more time right? I actually miss some of my caregivers who were some of my biggest support considering I was seeing them almost every week for 4 years.

What did I get from cancer? A new writing voice and the passion to hear people’s stories and understand where they come from. A stirring deep in my soul that wants to change the world. I value time and peace and every relationship that I have, past, present, and even future. I have released control over to God and now walk around with a heart so open that at times it feels broken. Most of all, I have less fear and more faith. I am overwhelmed and so grateful.

Today a friend asked, “What lipstick does one wear on their birthday?” Today I chose Loreal Color Riche lipstick in Divine Wine which you can get at any drugstore. In my humble opinion, Loreal is one of the better drug store brands in terms of color choices and consistency (I think it’s actually owned by Lancome). I chose this color because it’s an easy berry shade on me with a little bit of a brown undertone and of course the name. Celebrating with a nice glass of wine. Cheers!

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Bathroom Magic

24 Oct

This week’s topic in my blogging group is “in my bathroom”.  I believe the bathroom is a magical place (I know, save the snarky comments). I mean it. It is a place of transformation and sometimes resolution. It is the place where my day starts and where my day ends. When I open my eyes in the morning, walk into my bathroom and look in the mirror, I think about what the day holds, who I may see, who I may speak to; and then I start the process of freshening up to face a new day with a new attitude. You may find this strange but we have two lights in our small bathroom; one bright light, and one dim light over the shower. I prefer to only have the dim light on in the morning because, as I tell my husband, ‘it is my spa moment.’ It sounds creepy but I like to start the day really peaceful and relaxed and showering to a dim light helps. At the end of the day my bathroom is the place where I wash the day off and think about the events which took place. This I do with the bright light. I like to see my make up come off and how my teeth look after they’ve been brushed and flossed. Being a mom, the bathroom is also a place that has seen my many emotions. I have danced, screamed, and cried in there. Second to my closet, it is my place of solitude where I can grab a few moments to organize my thoughts, read, or just be brain dead before tackling what may be outside my door. I don’t know, I guess my bathroom is a place of change and cleansing; changing into the person the world sees then cleansing myself free of the ‘dirt’ I may have attracted during the day. Who knew talking about a bathroom could get so deep? My husband built the bench pictured above out of the leftover tile we had when we re-did the bathroom. It’s small and sturdy and allows me to gather my thoughts or even read in the bathroom sitting on something other than, well, you know.

For today’s lipstick I chose Aquaphor. I know I’ve mentioned this product before but I love it! I actually swipe this on my lips before I go to bed so that they are lipstick ready the next morning! Rise and Shine!

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Relax

19 Oct

This week was the first official week of my new job and I decided I really don’t like not knowing what I’m doing. I traveled to both Pittsburgh, PA and Columbus, OH to meet with both my trainer and my mentor. I know how to do the actual job because it’s what I’ve done for 20 years, but to learn all of the processes of a new company like computer, expense report, etc…wow, it’s a lot. What I find interesting is that as I get older after being downsized from lay offs or company buy outs, is that the grass is not always greener. After all my experiences though (including cancer), I know better what I’m looking for and what I can tolerate. So far, I really like the decision I’ve made, it’s just funny hearing what people complain about thinking it would be better somewhere else, typically it’s not, it’s just different. I believe there are no accidents and that God opens and shuts doors, sometimes leaving us to wonder…what? why? Oh well, always good to mix things up.

After all the travel and stress of learning the tools of the new job, I decided to get a massage today. I don’t usually get massages because I am crazy ticklish, but I knew I needed it. I carry my tension in my neck and shoulders and because of all the surgeries and radiation to my neck, I have a lot of scar tissue. The scar tissue affects some of the nerves in my neck so when I’m tense, it’s harder for me to breathe and I start losing feeling in my left arm. By Thursday morning, my left arm was numb and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath so I used some of my early birthday present money from my parents and decided to get a massage. It. was. fantastic. One of the things I loved about it (besides of course the relaxation), is that it forced me to sit still for an hour and relax. It gave me time to focus and think about today, it almost made me cry (I’m such a wuss). My birthday is coming up and as I thought about it laying there, I realized I haven’t had cancer since May of 2010, two and a half years. Yes there have been scares and I’m still on ‘watch’, but surgeries and radiation in 2008, 2009, and 2010…now, here I am, so thankful for my health, my family, friends, my life. So many lessons learned…it’s overwhelming. If not a massage, take a few minutes and think about your life. Sit still, think about the good, the bad, and the ugly but maybe start with ugly and finish with good. If you can’t remember, get yourself a journal or notebook and read through at the end of the month, then thank God for your blessings and for still being around to read what you wrote.

Today I go beyond lipstick and totally recommend Sephora Favorites Super Stars Beauty Essentials Kit. I just got mine yesterday and it is AWESOME! Sephora puts kits together based on their best sellers and they are usually in categories like fragrance, mascara, lips, etc. I don’t typically buy kits because most of the time I know I’ll only be using one or two products and the rest will go to waste. This one is different…every single thing in this particular kit is awesome, not to mention five of the nine items included are their normal FULL SIZE! I LOVE THIS KIT and the colors they chose for lips, eyes, and cheeks are universal and will look great on just about every skin tone! Have fun!!

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Twilight Zone

12 Oct

 

I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Today was my last day at my current company. I accepted a position with another company and gave my two weeks notice, well, two weeks ago. This week and the end of last week I have been saying good-bye to some of my current customers and co-workers while juggling incoming mail and phone calls from my new company and co-workers. I was in the Twilight Zone all week…one foot in the old company and one foot in the new; feelings of sadness from leaving the familiar,mixed with feelings of anticipation and maybe a little bit of fear venturing into new, unknown territory. Wow, didn’t I just talk about change? Why the switch? There are many factors. Was it the right thing to do, the right timing? Only God knows, but here I am, TOTALLY freaking out that at 40 something years old, I am still leaving the comfortable and venturing into another new adventure. New people, new boss, new new. I’m too old for this, someday soon my stomach will fail me and I will probably get an ulcer. Change is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time, nothing like keeping things interesting. So, as this week ends, I take a deep cleansing breath (as they say in yoga) and exhale into a new adventure.

When I was in Europe this summer I took a bunch of pictures of doors. Yup that’s right doors, and there were some real beauties. Lots of things happen behind closed doors that we don’t even know or think about. My neighbor across the street recently read my book. Although we say ‘hello’ and have even had them over our house for parties, she said she cried while reading my book because she didn’t realize all that was happening behind our doors. Isn’t that true of everyone? Look around at your neighbors homes, your friends, everyone has a story and when they exit those doors they bring what’s behind into the world. Behind my doors right now is crazy. I have my old work computer next to my new one next to my home computer. I have incoming reports and outgoing, final reports and mixed in with all of that, my kids’ schedules are crazy with sports, school play, and of course, that broken hand. Doors also symbolize for me closing what’s behind and opening what’s ahead. Monday when I leave the house I bring my crazy into the world but I also get to breathe in a new day, a new job, and a new adventure.

Today I wear Sephora Rouge Cream Lipstick in Hot Tango. This is the first time I am trying Sephora brand lipstick because I confess, I am a lipstick snob and prefer mainstream brands. I REALLY liked the color and consistency of these lipsticks and you can even try them on in store. This formula is very moisturizing and has a lot of color. Hot Tango is a BRIGHT pink/red. I probably should have gone with Passion Red which is deeper but sometimes you need the WOW factor. Anyhow, I also chose it for the name because sometimes that’s what life is like right…a HOT TANGO?

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