Tag Archives: lipstick

Dear Cancer

7 Feb

mad

Dear Cancer,

I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you. You keep wanting to get back together and for whatever reason, my body lets you. Well I’m done, I’m sick of all the game playing and I’m sick of you messing with my mind. I wish I could say that my relationship with you has made me stronger, braver, more courageous, but I just don’t know anymore. Now that you’re trying to get back together only bad feelings come up. You have made me more insecure about myself, you’ve made me sad, and I have shed too many tears because of you. You not only affect me, you have widespread effects on people I love and care about. They don’t even know what to say anymore; you leave a train of destruction and pain. It may surprise you but I love my life, and yes, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart constantly to the blessings around me. Are you trying to teach me something? Is there a lesson to learn? Well I got it, I’m good, so please stop showing up. Don’t underestimate me, I am not going down.

So here we are at another crossroads. Will you ever leave me alone? Hate is a strong word that I never use, but I’m beginning to hate you. You have broken my heart over and over, but I will not let you break my spirit.

Anna

PS I am ready to fight so I am wearing my Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick in Hellbent!

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My Heavy Heart

2 Feb

survivor

What a week! This past week I was out of town for an important meeting with my new company. It was both exciting, because of some new things we are doing, and stressful, because we were also being tested on new information. All in all, it was fun because the company is small and I was able to spend time with some great people from across the country. This week I also found out that one of my former colleagues was tragically killed in a car accident leaving a wife and four young children. I was not close to him but remember having a few conversations at corporate functions. Just the thought of him leaving for work in the morning and not coming home puts a knot in my stomach and it is once again the reminder of the brevity of life.

Anyhow, this week I got the news I was waiting for. On Tuesday while I was sitting in one of the general sessions of my meeting I received a call from my doctor, the results of my blood-work were in. So here is what I was thinking leading up to this, it’s been over two years, a few scares along the way, but if this blood-work was clean I was going to be able to finally start breathing a little easier about the cancer coming back. It would be the longest time between cancer ever coming back and in my head I would’ve been ‘semi’ home free. Unfortunately the news was not what I wanted to hear. My number was outside or above normal which indicates cancer somewhere in my body. Not exactly the news I was expecting. There are many questions and unfortunately no answers. My doctor said that since the test is so new and the patients that need it are so rare, he is not aware of any possible variables in the number. So what’s next?  PET scan and ultrasound to determine if, what, and where. Another obstacle to getting more answers, since changing jobs, I have new insurance and right now my new insurance may not cover those tests until May because of a pre-existing clause. So, all of this during a very important company meeting…it was too much. Fortunately, because I am an actor, I kept my game on and did extremely well at the meeting and the testing despite the fact that since receiving the news on Tuesday I slept very little and was trying to keep tears at bay, talk about extreme emotions.

For today my heart feels a little heavier and my head is swimming but I am still trusting in God’s plan. Today I wear Laura Mercier Lip Glacé in Brownberry. I love these glosses because they are not too sheer, moisturizing, and feel great on the lips; they also have a vanilla smell. I chose this color because it gives me a perfect natural color for everyday. It’s got a hint of berry but is still natural. For now my journey continues, not yet fully confident but still with that hint of hope. To be continued…..

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Music

26 Jan

singing

The topic this week for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘music’. Where should I start? I don’t know what my life would be like without music. You know when you’re watching a movie and if something scary or emotional is taking place there’s music in the background? My world is a little like that. For many of the events in my life, there is a song that matches. Music has always been a part of me thanks mostly to my parents. They love music and even from my earliest memories, I have always been surrounded with it; from musicals, to classical concerts in the park, or even my dad singing around the house or conducting a fake orchestra. My mom says I sang all the way to Detroit on the flight from the Philippines when I was 2, Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells. At age 8, I saw the musical Annie and memorized the songs with dreams of being Annie (Asian Annie? no way). At 9 or 10 I saw Grease and learned ,Hopelessly Devoted to You, Asian Sandy? Not a chance. Dance lessons and piano lessons started at the age of 7 and at ag14 I sang and played the piano for the first time in public at a talent show and won first place, Looking Through the Eyes of Love. It all came together, Guys and Dolls, Brigadoon, Anything Goes, West Side Story; musicals in high school and college brought my singing and dancing together. Sometimes when I see people I care about or if I’m going through emotional times I hear music, different songs pop in my head. Waking up from my first surgery,It Is Well, surviving my second surgery, Good To Be Me, surviving cancer the third time, How Could I Ask For More. wss

Yes, music has shaped me and has allowed me to express myself in different ways. The way music affects me is difficult to describe, sometimes it’s the melody, sometimes, the words, and sometimes the voice itself. Victor Hugo said it best,“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”. What about you? What does the soundtrack of your life sound like? I know my story is not done, my musical is still being written and I’m still hearing the music; it’s pretty cool.

Today I wear lipstick from a local Michigan cosmetic company called Whip Hand Cosmetics. I am wearing their Lip Creme in Shock which is a beautiful deep pinky plum color. I love this lip creme because it feels lighter than lipstick and is super moisturizing. It’s hard to describe because it feels like a non-sticky gloss but the color lasts like a stain…simply awesome. I also have to talk about their most popular product Set the Stage Makeup Primer. I have literally tried at least 10 primers from Laura Mercier, to Smashbox, to even Revlon. Since I’m in my 40’s I’m just looking for something that can smooth my face without feeling thick. Theirs has been the best so far! It feels smooth, blurs the lines and does not feel like another layer of something on your face under your makeup. Again, hard to describe. Enjoy the music that is your life!

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People

21 Jan

morning magic

Wow, has it been almost two weeks since my last post? It’s not for lack of ideas on what to write. In fact, I read a quote somewhere which said that quiet people have the noisiest minds; or something like that. For some who know me, you may think I am not quiet by nature…untrue, I am an introvert who over the years of being in sales have become a trained extrovert. Over the past couple weeks I have been able to meet with a few friends for coffee or just brief one on one time. It’s a time I cherish developing and deepening relationships. Each one has a different background, life, goals, etc, it’s so interesting hearing their stories and their feelings about different things and it gives great perspectives on how past and current events change you and make you who you are today. I met with a close friend going through a divorce and I can’t help but hurt for her and her kids. It’s a struggle for her to balance what’s best for her, what’s best for her kids while trying to guess what their future looks like. There are many facets to her story and it’s just awful. The beautiful part is that she hasn’t lost her faith and is now relying on it, along with her friends to get her family through. I met with another beautiful friend and jewelry designer Michele Saulson for ‘girl time’ and a private shopping experience in her home. It was great getting to know her better, talking about our families, and listening to her goals for her company; and of course shopping her awesome stuff! saulson designsSo many people, so many stories. Here’s what I know, everyone is going through and experiencing life differently and you can’t judge them based on how they look, what you think you know, or even on just one or two interactions. A big story that has come out recently has to do with Notre Dame football player Manti Te’0 and his ‘virtual’ fake or real girlfriend. I don’t know the whole story and whether he’s lying or telling the truth. I do know that it’s a sad statement to think that he considered this person that he met on-line his girlfriend?! Have we come to the point where we don’t need face to face, physical contact with other human beings? I hope not. I know I need it and I’m pretty sure our society craves it. Once again, love God, love others. Look people in the eye, smile, hug.

As of today I still have no results from my blood work but it’s still one day at a time. I read a quote (sorry for all the quotes today) that said, “To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.” – Oswald Cambers. Breathless expectation, I love that. I still seek the magic everyday and most of the time it finds me through people.

Today I wear Mary Kay NouriShine Plus Lip Gloss in Beach Bronze. I got a sample of this believe it or not in my son’s Halloween bag after trick or treating in the neighborhood. It was in a bag with a candy bar and it had a tag on it with a business card which said, ‘something for mom’; clever idea I must say. Anyhow, it’s a great bronzy color with a bit of shimmer. It has a great non-sticky consistency and is surprisingly long lasting. I chose the color because it can be worn as both a wintery bronze on me (because I’m tan) but also in the summer for that sun-kissed look. I mainly chose it for the name. It’s been really cold the past few days in Michigan and the name ‘Beach Bronze’ just captured me! Cheers!

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The Same?

5 Jan

snow

The first week of 2013 has come and gone. It’s funny, we were at a friends house New Years Eve and we were all excited about a new year ahead, thinking about the possibilities, things we would change, places we want to see, goals, etc. Well, January 2nd dawned and it was back to work for me, and back to school for my kids. So after all the anticipation and excitement for the new year, life is still the same…or is it? One of the things I consciously wanted to change or do every single day was to find the magic,or the blessing, whether it be with another person, the weather, a flower, whatever, because in the rush of our daily lives I believe that we miss a lot. Yes it’s fun to look forward to the next vacation or there’s of course the thought process of ,’when ____happens, then it’ll be great or my life will be better.’ But what about right now? What are you missing? This year my eyes are wide open and it’s much more exciting to start the day anticipating something magical or even the purposeful thought of being on a ‘quest’ for blessings or magic.

Here’s the magic from this first week of 2013:

January 1, sleep. That’s right, it was a blessing to be in pajamas most of the day, not having to do one thing…truly magical

January 2, met with a friend and had a great time talking about all kinds of stuff. Investing in relationships are a must!

January 3, talking with one of my kids about the dangers of social media..the magic? They listened and we had a good heart to heart

January 4, watching my son play a high school basketball game against a large rival school in a packed gym. Felt blessed, proud, and sadly,…old

Today, ran into my husbands office to take care of some things for him and another lady was waiting in the hall for her boss(a dentist) to show up so she could start work. We exchanged ‘hellos’ and I told her to have a great day. She said, ‘Everyday I get to work is a great day.’ That statement actually stopped me in my tracks so I turned and asked, ‘Really?’ She replied, “Absolutely. I feel so blessed and thankful to have a job when so many are without. It’s true, every time I get called in to work I’m ecstatic and it’s a great day.” Wow, what great perspective.

These are just little things but life isn’t filled with grandiose moments, it’s filled with minutia…small moments of impact that if we don’t look for them, many times we miss them. Don’t miss those moments of magic because life is beautiful.

Today I wear MAC lipstick in Captive which is a pinky plum. There are a ton of great MAC colors and formulations of lipsticks. I admit I don’t love them all, but I do love their satins and sheers. I chose Captive because it is an easy everyday color for me to wear and also for the name. Be captive in the moment, don’t rush through life. Happy New Year!

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2013

27 Dec

snow

Four more days until the new year…2013. It’s hard to believe how fast time goes by. I ran into a friend today and asked her how Christmas was for her and her family this year and she said, ‘uneventful, thank goodness’. She said it was the first time in a few years that there wasn’t crying. Last year her mom passed away, the year before, her sister. She told me that she and her family were able to do ‘normal’ Christmas things without tears…church, family dinner, presents…she said it was very peaceful and loved seeing everyone smiling again. I can relate in a small way. Remember from a past post that December has been a hard month in my cancer journey, either I was diagnosed with cancer, recovering, or preparing for a surgery. This year I declared a moratorium on anything health related; no doctors appointments, blood work, etc. and I guess you could say this December was also peaceful for me. I am also fortunate enough to have the holidays off of work so I don’t return until January 2. With all this downtime I’ve been reflecting on the events of the past year. Highlights include me still being able to sing at my fourth Voice Day concert after three surgeries, a paralyzed vocal cord and major radiation(twice), a trip to Europe with my family, the kids all playing basketball (the face of my daughter when she came home and said she made the team…priceless), good 20120629-204705.jpggrades, dance recital, good health, running in 3 races, and NO CANCER year 2! Yup, the highlights were awesome, but some of the best memories were just every day things. I am so thankful for so much it’s quite overwhelming. My daughter today asked what my New Year’s resolutions are, well, I don’t really have any. It’s kinda bad but I’ve always been the one to literally live day to day. Yes, I have really large, no, monumental goals and aspirations, but since I’m quite the dreamer some may be unattainable…I don’t care, you never know, I mean, who knew I would write and a publish a book? Anyhow, there are things I would like to improve or just keep doing in the new year:

Cover

* Respect every person and invest in their story *Speak the truth * Be intentional *Live boldly *Keep dreaming big * As Eleanor Roosevelt says, ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you’… ‘You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face.’

As I look toward 2013 I know big things are in store. I have that restless feeling that I get so often, so much so that I have strange energy brewing from my fingertips to my toes. I’m not sure what the future holds and I also know that life is short and time goes so fast. What are you thankful for? What are you looking forward to? Don’t hold back…SEIZE THE DAY!

Today I wear my go to red lipstick for the holidays Lancome L’Absolu Rouge in Merlot. It is a deep red/burgundy which I have loved for a few years. It’s surprisingly moisturizing (most reds are not) and for me, its the perfect evening red. Happy 2013…CHEERS!

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Not Easy

17 Dec

photo (2)

This past weekend has been extremely emotional. Last Friday I was sitting in a Chicago airport coming home from a work meeting when I heard the news of the Connecticut school shooting which killed 20 young children and 6 adults. I sat there crying along with the other adults hearing and seeing the news for the first time. All eyes were on the television screen and as I looked around I saw people crying, shaking their head, calling home. All I could think of was my family and coming home. It was horrific. Saturday, all teams at my son’s high school from Freshman boys, to JV and Varsity boys and girls played basketball against a rival high school to raise funds for the American Cancer Society. All team members on both teams had a special jersey and the name on the back was the name of someone who lost, is fighting, or has beaten cancer. My son’s jersey said ‘mom’ on the back. I couldn’t be more proud as he made an early and lasting impact on his game which they won by over 30 points. Sunday morning I ran in another 5K with some friends. I have been struggling with my breathing for the last month or so (because of the constant change of weather I think) so I knew the run would be a challenge; I wasn’t wrong. I knew within the first 30 seconds that this race would be the most difficult so far. I reconsidered doing it just the day before as I struggled with my breathing that night, but I went anyway. Why? Because I had breath in my lungs and because I could. I thought about those kids from the shooting, their families, the holidays, the presents waiting for them; I thought about the cancer game and the names on everyone’s jerseys including mine, and I had to run. run3Life is fleeting and you just never know the time or the place. Sunday afternoon my family went to see The Hobbit at the movie theater. As I sat in the crowded theater I had a fleeting thought of a gunman opening fire that I had to quickly dismiss. FAITH OVER FEAR. We cannot live in fear, I refuse!

There has been a call to action in social media to do 26 Random Acts of Kindness for the 26 lives that were cut short last Friday. Why just 26?  This is what I’ve been talking about, this is what my blog is about, this is what I am passionate about. EVERYBODY MATTERS! Why can’t there be an act of kindness daily, hourly, every minute??  We are not hobbits and life is not easy. Everyday we are with people, people with stories, people with heartache, people who we may need ourselves. Make each moment count…love God and love others! Don’t stop reaching out, open yourselves up. We need each other.

Today I wear Philosophy lip gloss in Thank You. It is a sheer raspberry color that only comes in a set. I chose it because Philosophy lipglosses are yummy and this is no exception. I mainly chose it for the name…thank you all for being a part of  my life!

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It Is Well

2 Dec

sky

The month of December has played a big part in my cancer experience. It was December 2007 when I first felt a lump at the base of my neck which started this whole journey. December 2009 I was told my cancer was back for the third time. December and Christmas now have both happy and sad memories and I find myself feeling reflective always praying for a better New Year. When I was in the hospital recovery room after my first surgery I had a vision or a dream, whatever you want to call it. This is something I have only told two people. One, a nurse who came to visit me every day in the ICU after my first radiation treatment, the other, a friend of mine who happens to be nurse, just out of the blue because she posted something on Facebook that brought up this particular memory.

My first surgery was unintentionally 7 hours long because of the amount of cancer in my neck. My nerve was cut leaving my right vocal cord permanently paralyzed. Without me knowing (obviously), my family was told devastating news..cancer and prognosis was bad, voice was probably gone, I would be in the ICU for a couple days and in the hospital for a few more days after that. It took awhile for me to wake up in the recovery room after the long surgery but I have a VIVID memory prior to waking up. If you’ve been following my blog you know I am a singer. What I saw before opening my eyes was me on a stage under a spotlight. I was alone, on the stage, in front of a black curtain and all I saw was the bright light and nothing else, no audience. I was singing a capella, no accompaniment, an old hymn called It Is Well With My Soul. All I felt was joy and peace as I sang it to no one, face in the light. When I opened my eyes moments later to see my husband teary eyed with bad news all I could feel was calm, I cry thinking about it. Here are some of the lyrics:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

  • Refrain:
    It is well, with my soul,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

So here I am today, December 2012. Life has had its challenges but no matter what has happened and what will come it is still well with my soul. In the hustle and bustle of the holidays and as we close out another year, take a deep breath and be thankful for life. Happy December!

Today I wear MAC Sheen Supreme lipstick in Bare Again which is a pinky beige color. This is my favorite MAC formulation because it’s super moisturizing but also has lots of color. I chose Bare Again kind of for the name because technically with the memories of my past Decembers along with the sheer busyness of this season I sometimes feel raw or ‘bare’. It is also a good ‘nude’ type lipstick, not too beige, and a little ‘pinky’. Cheers!

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Changes and Thankfulness

18 Nov

When I started my sales career after college over 21 years ago I was assigned a university hospital as one of my accounts. I remember being fresh out of college and placed in a city (and state for that matter) that I was unfamiliar with to begin ‘adulthood’. There were many changes like a phone bill, an electric bill, rent. etc; and I remember that first week driving through this college campus to get to the hospital to do my job. I cried. It was a huge transition and as I looked out at the college kids walking around with their backpacks (and some in pajamas), while I was in my suit, I couldn’t remember why I was ever ‘stressed’ in college, and I asked myself,’am I now doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do when I grow up?’ I wanted to go back. Fast forward to this week. I was assigned another university hospital with my new job and as I drove around the campus, I was filled with gratitude, it was like deja vu’ from when I first started. I smiled thinking about those old feelings in college, will I get a job? where will I end up? am I doing the right thing? why did I change my major? Even now some of those questions linger but I do know that life goes on and we follow a path based on our own mistakes and decisions and ultimately where God leads us.

Also this week, an old friend was asking about a television show I was on in the 80’s. It spurred conversation between a few of my other friends on Facebook and brought back fond memories of my past. Since I have to drive quite a bit for my new job, I brought a few CD’s I had of musicals, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, Rent…and as I tried to sing along with the soundtracks, for the first time in a long time I was a little heartbroken. I miss my singing voice. I have always loved music and was fortunate to do a lot of singing over the years and now, after cancer took away a vocal cord, it’s not so easy and I was feeling a little nostalgic and sad. I have to say though, it was because of my singing and my inability to reach some of the notes that I found my cancer (massaging my neck after singing somewhere because my throat was so sore).

So this week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am thankful for my singing because in a strange twist of fate, it’s what saved me. I am thankful for a career that allows me to talk to and meet all kinds of people. I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on, past, present, and even future. I am thankful for my family and friends; for all those who support me through this blog and my Facebook fanpage. Most of all, like all survivors, I am thankful for life. Blessings to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I wear Mac Sheen Supreme Lipstick in Can’t Resist. I LOVE these ultra moisturizing full color lipsticks! They feel almost like lipbalm, but a tiny bit thicker and are a full color lipstick! Can’t Resist is a plummy-red that is a great color for fall. I chose it because not only do I love the color, but I also love the name. When I think about my life and all that’s transpired I can’t resist smiling. Feeling blessed.

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Stained Glass

12 Nov

 

I read this great quote today (thank you to I Had Cancer), ‘People are like stained glass windows-they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in their beauty is revealed if there is a light from within.’

Last week I was at a meeting getting to know my new co-workers from across the country. Since the company is quite small, it was easy to meet and get to know the other 40 sales reps in the room. Reading the quote above reminded me of the week. We were all ‘stained glass windows’; we all had our ‘good’ clothes on, were on our best behavior, and for the most part, always had a smile on our faces. It was great meeting new people and learning a little about their backgrounds. As I was getting ready to leave my hotel room and meet everyone I realized how far I had come since walking into my first meeting 21 years ago. I was a shy introvert who struggled with a bit of social anxiety. On a personality test at a management meeting, the evaluator said I was a natural introvert, but forced extrovert (maybe that’s why I love acting?). In the past, I was perfectly comfortable with small talk and keeping people (especially those I work with) at a safe distance, but this time was different. I believe God has you where you need to be and I don’t believe you meet people by accident; I believe it now more than ever post cancer. So here I was, an open book, pressing in. It doesn’t take much these days to open someone up, people want to share, they want to be hugged, they want someone who can look them in their eyes, we just don’t do it enough anymore…fear of hurt? Anyhow, the stories I heard from different people, wow. Families hurt by divorce, a mom with cancer, a mother-in-law in her last days, others starting over and afraid of the unfamiliar. It was overwhelming, heartbreaking, and encouraging. On the last day I was speaking to one of my new co-workers (and new friend), and he asked how I found out so much about people. It was simple, I asked then I listened. It’s the same thing I want, someone to ask and listen, truly someone who cares. So what about you? Where has God placed you? Who are in your sphere of influence? We can’t all be Mother Theresa or Billy Graham, but we do have people right in front of us that want to know that they matter. I know because I’m one of them. Reach out, you may be the only one.

Today I wear an old standby Dior Addict Lip Glow. I LOVE this stuff. This is the only product that hits the bottom of the tube and I re-purchase. It is an incredible lip balm that brings out the natural pink ‘glow’ of your lips. I chose it for today because of the quote “…but when darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed if there is a light from within.” Cheers!

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