Tag Archives: thyroid cancer survivor

Not Easy

17 Dec

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This past weekend has been extremely emotional. Last Friday I was sitting in a Chicago airport coming home from a work meeting when I heard the news of the Connecticut school shooting which killed 20 young children and 6 adults. I sat there crying along with the other adults hearing and seeing the news for the first time. All eyes were on the television screen and as I looked around I saw people crying, shaking their head, calling home. All I could think of was my family and coming home. It was horrific. Saturday, all teams at my son’s high school from Freshman boys, to JV and Varsity boys and girls played basketball against a rival high school to raise funds for the American Cancer Society. All team members on both teams had a special jersey and the name on the back was the name of someone who lost, is fighting, or has beaten cancer. My son’s jersey said ‘mom’ on the back. I couldn’t be more proud as he made an early and lasting impact on his game which they won by over 30 points. Sunday morning I ran in another 5K with some friends. I have been struggling with my breathing for the last month or so (because of the constant change of weather I think) so I knew the run would be a challenge; I wasn’t wrong. I knew within the first 30 seconds that this race would be the most difficult so far. I reconsidered doing it just the day before as I struggled with my breathing that night, but I went anyway. Why? Because I had breath in my lungs and because I could. I thought about those kids from the shooting, their families, the holidays, the presents waiting for them; I thought about the cancer game and the names on everyone’s jerseys including mine, and I had to run. run3Life is fleeting and you just never know the time or the place. Sunday afternoon my family went to see The Hobbit at the movie theater. As I sat in the crowded theater I had a fleeting thought of a gunman opening fire that I had to quickly dismiss. FAITH OVER FEAR. We cannot live in fear, I refuse!

There has been a call to action in social media to do 26 Random Acts of Kindness for the 26 lives that were cut short last Friday. Why just 26?  This is what I’ve been talking about, this is what my blog is about, this is what I am passionate about. EVERYBODY MATTERS! Why can’t there be an act of kindness daily, hourly, every minute??  We are not hobbits and life is not easy. Everyday we are with people, people with stories, people with heartache, people who we may need ourselves. Make each moment count…love God and love others! Don’t stop reaching out, open yourselves up. We need each other.

Today I wear Philosophy lip gloss in Thank You. It is a sheer raspberry color that only comes in a set. I chose it because Philosophy lipglosses are yummy and this is no exception. I mainly chose it for the name…thank you all for being a part of  my life!

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Open Up

12 Dec

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This past weekend we celebrated Christmas in Indiana with my father in law and my husbands’ two brothers and their families. His youngest brother is engaged to be married next month and I finally had a chance to meet the newest member to join our family. She is great and I’m so excited to have her in the family. This week I am in Chicago for another meeting with my new company and there are even more people to meet as well as others from before that I am able to get to know more. Isn’t that great? I believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Prior to cancer I was more shy and I guess ‘distant’,  keeping people at arms length…you know, the facade stage, nothing deeper. Now, everything has changed and I want to dive in and know people’s stories. In light of that, some of you have read my book and have been reading my blog for a long time and you know mostly about my cancer journey. Today, in an effort to ‘let you in’ and know me better (besides the fact you already know I love lipstick) I thought I’d list some things you didnt know about me:

1. Besides lipstick,  I also love chocolate and all things carbs (bread, crackers, cookies, etc)
2. My first kiss was Shawn Cassidy, the album cover, which I kept under my pillow
3. My first crush was in second grade to a boy named Russell. For Valentines Day he gave me a pretend makeup kit ….was this the start of my lipstick love?
4. I am a total introvert and generally shy, which is why I love acting
5. I don’t enjoy cooking and if I didn’t have kids I believe my husband and I could survive on cereal and toast
6. I have a degree in science which I struggled with after I changed my major from Music
7. Chopin is my favorite classical composer. His music is very emotional
8. Every day from 1st grade through 12th grade I brought a peanut butter sandwich to school (Jiffy peanut butter on Wonder bread)
9. I hate spiders…no, all bugs really
10. I’m allergic to cats, therefore I am a dog person
11. I ran away from home once when I was a teenager but only for a few hours at the mall (sorry mom and dad)
12. My first job was at Burger King. I was 14 1/2 and have not really stopped working since
13. I didn’t enjoy reading books until after college. Cliff notes were my best friend
14. I hate talking on the phone; texting was made for me
15. I’ve kept a journal since I was 9

That’s it for now, just some basics. Do we have anything in common? I’d love to get to know all of you too. Tell me your stories!

Today I am keeping it simple and wearing Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm in Rose. I love it. It’s moisturizing and smooth, all natural, and inexpensive. Rose gives me just a pop of color. I of course have Red Dahlia too which I love. Keep opening yourselves to new people, it softens your heart. Cheers!

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It Is Well

2 Dec

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The month of December has played a big part in my cancer experience. It was December 2007 when I first felt a lump at the base of my neck which started this whole journey. December 2009 I was told my cancer was back for the third time. December and Christmas now have both happy and sad memories and I find myself feeling reflective always praying for a better New Year. When I was in the hospital recovery room after my first surgery I had a vision or a dream, whatever you want to call it. This is something I have only told two people. One, a nurse who came to visit me every day in the ICU after my first radiation treatment, the other, a friend of mine who happens to be nurse, just out of the blue because she posted something on Facebook that brought up this particular memory.

My first surgery was unintentionally 7 hours long because of the amount of cancer in my neck. My nerve was cut leaving my right vocal cord permanently paralyzed. Without me knowing (obviously), my family was told devastating news..cancer and prognosis was bad, voice was probably gone, I would be in the ICU for a couple days and in the hospital for a few more days after that. It took awhile for me to wake up in the recovery room after the long surgery but I have a VIVID memory prior to waking up. If you’ve been following my blog you know I am a singer. What I saw before opening my eyes was me on a stage under a spotlight. I was alone, on the stage, in front of a black curtain and all I saw was the bright light and nothing else, no audience. I was singing a capella, no accompaniment, an old hymn called It Is Well With My Soul. All I felt was joy and peace as I sang it to no one, face in the light. When I opened my eyes moments later to see my husband teary eyed with bad news all I could feel was calm, I cry thinking about it. Here are some of the lyrics:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

  • Refrain:
    It is well, with my soul,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

So here I am today, December 2012. Life has had its challenges but no matter what has happened and what will come it is still well with my soul. In the hustle and bustle of the holidays and as we close out another year, take a deep breath and be thankful for life. Happy December!

Today I wear MAC Sheen Supreme lipstick in Bare Again which is a pinky beige color. This is my favorite MAC formulation because it’s super moisturizing but also has lots of color. I chose Bare Again kind of for the name because technically with the memories of my past Decembers along with the sheer busyness of this season I sometimes feel raw or ‘bare’. It is also a good ‘nude’ type lipstick, not too beige, and a little ‘pinky’. Cheers!

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Changes and Thankfulness

18 Nov

When I started my sales career after college over 21 years ago I was assigned a university hospital as one of my accounts. I remember being fresh out of college and placed in a city (and state for that matter) that I was unfamiliar with to begin ‘adulthood’. There were many changes like a phone bill, an electric bill, rent. etc; and I remember that first week driving through this college campus to get to the hospital to do my job. I cried. It was a huge transition and as I looked out at the college kids walking around with their backpacks (and some in pajamas), while I was in my suit, I couldn’t remember why I was ever ‘stressed’ in college, and I asked myself,’am I now doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do when I grow up?’ I wanted to go back. Fast forward to this week. I was assigned another university hospital with my new job and as I drove around the campus, I was filled with gratitude, it was like deja vu’ from when I first started. I smiled thinking about those old feelings in college, will I get a job? where will I end up? am I doing the right thing? why did I change my major? Even now some of those questions linger but I do know that life goes on and we follow a path based on our own mistakes and decisions and ultimately where God leads us.

Also this week, an old friend was asking about a television show I was on in the 80’s. It spurred conversation between a few of my other friends on Facebook and brought back fond memories of my past. Since I have to drive quite a bit for my new job, I brought a few CD’s I had of musicals, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, Rent…and as I tried to sing along with the soundtracks, for the first time in a long time I was a little heartbroken. I miss my singing voice. I have always loved music and was fortunate to do a lot of singing over the years and now, after cancer took away a vocal cord, it’s not so easy and I was feeling a little nostalgic and sad. I have to say though, it was because of my singing and my inability to reach some of the notes that I found my cancer (massaging my neck after singing somewhere because my throat was so sore).

So this week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am thankful for my singing because in a strange twist of fate, it’s what saved me. I am thankful for a career that allows me to talk to and meet all kinds of people. I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on, past, present, and even future. I am thankful for my family and friends; for all those who support me through this blog and my Facebook fanpage. Most of all, like all survivors, I am thankful for life. Blessings to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I wear Mac Sheen Supreme Lipstick in Can’t Resist. I LOVE these ultra moisturizing full color lipsticks! They feel almost like lipbalm, but a tiny bit thicker and are a full color lipstick! Can’t Resist is a plummy-red that is a great color for fall. I chose it because not only do I love the color, but I also love the name. When I think about my life and all that’s transpired I can’t resist smiling. Feeling blessed.

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Common Thread

6 Nov

“You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words…” CS Lewis

I’ve been in a little funk lately, just feeling kind of ‘gray’. I guess it is a normal thing for cancer/former cancer patients to feel when on a downswing wondering which direction life is leading them (I think it’s normal for everyone). Anyhow, over the past few years I have run into many people affected by cancer; cancer survivors/fighters and those that support them. As I thought about the quote by CS Lewis, I believe you can find a common thread in people who you are attracted to, or close friends; but speaking to ‘cancer’ people, there are definitely commonalities. Here are some to think about:

*Fighter.Survivor.Strong.Courageous. All great labels, but sometimes we either don’t want the name (figher/survivor) or don’t feel like we’ve done anything to deserve the name (strong/courageous). We simply did what we had to do and rose to the occasion.

*For those of us who have survived, we wonder what our greater purpose is.

*We don’t stress too much about small stuff or really very much of anything.

*We expect the best from people, honesty, love, no games

*Sometimes we want to just spend the money, we wonder why we’re saving

*We are more fearless and take more risks

*We are more emotional because we have been broken

*We like peace

*We get nervous with every little change in our body, even if its allergies or a cold. We are very aware of EVERY change and wonder if it’s the cancer or a side effect of the treatment

*We realize that while the world around us has generally stayed the same, we are forever changed

*Time is everything and checking items off that bucket list is now a priority

It’s a tough journey and I would have rather not been part of it, but we don’t get to choose. Looking at the list it seems everyone, cancer or not, would have those common threads. Why must a life-changing illness remind is to keep life simple?

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Raisin. I love Bobbi lipsticks for both their moisturizing, color, texture…really, they are just great lipsticks.  It’s a medium brown/plum shade that I love. Raisin has been my go-to color for at least 10 years, keeping it simple today. Cheers!

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Patriotism

1 Nov

Patriotism-Love of country.

In 1972, my parents moved to the United States from the Philippines. This was a HUGE decision for them considering they had only been married about 5 years, they had a three year old(me), and they were leaving all of their family and friends, not to mention most of their belongings.  Why the risk? For a better life for them and a better future for their kids.  With no jobs and a child, they moved into a small apartment in Detroit with the little money they had to start with. They tell me we only started with a mattress and some blankets. Both college educated, my dad found a job as an accountant with a hospital and my mom who had a degree in nutrition got a job as a social worker for the state. We were on our way. Fast forward 40 years to today.  Both of my parents are retired, I have graduated college and have a great family and career, and my brother is a professional actor in New York City. Was it a better life for my parents? I’m not sure, you’d have to ask them. Was it a great life for my brother and myself? Absolutely. We were given and still have all the opportunities in America to succeed and I am so thankful to be here.

One of the greatest traits of America is freedom. We are free to express our faith and our own opinions and I pray that never changes. Today I voted for our future president along with other political positions and different proposals that would change things in our community. I will be out of town next week so I was able to do an absentee ballot. As I made my selections I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed that my voice makes a difference, another freedom. I have been back to the Philippines twice, do I love it? Of course, it’s where I came from; but do I love America? Absolutely, land of the free, home of the brave. God Bless America.

Today I wear Chanel Rouge Allure lipstick in Inimitable (which means unique). Chanel is famous for red lipsticks. If you can’t find a red for you at their counter, there may not be a red you’re satisfied with. The Rouge Allure formulation is a full color lipstick that I love and I chose this color because it’s a red that works for me. Today it’s red representing the RED, WHITE, and BLUE!!

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Another Birthday

25 Oct

Another birthday, another year older…wiser? Who knows. Every birthday since cancer and the bad news from the original surgery has been a BIG deal to me. When you are told by your physician that your prognosis doesn’t look good and quite possibly have less than a year, every moment counts. Since then, even though the cancer has come back a few times, my prognosis has been great and now here I am almost five years after my first surgery, time passes so quickly. When I walked the survivor lap at Relay for Life last year, the sign that pushed me over the edge and made me cry said, ‘I Love Birthdays.’ It’s true, today was pretty emotional. Today, like every birthday, I thought about everything that had transpired over the year and I also thought about how I have changed since cancer. Cancer has taken away a vocal cord which makes it more difficult to breathe and sing and talk sometimes, but I still can. Cancer has taken away a little bit of confidence in my body and health, but I can still run. Cancer has taken away a little bit of magic from my kids’ lives; the magic that helps them think their mom is invincible (at least while they’re young); remember they were only 5,7, and 10 when this all started. This week I was able to spend some time with a college friend and as I sat with her I realized we had been friends for over 20 years and it was awesome. I miss that. I miss the time I had when I was recovering after each surgery, the times when I couldn’t speak and just listened to people and cultivated relationships. We all wish we had more time right? I actually miss some of my caregivers who were some of my biggest support considering I was seeing them almost every week for 4 years.

What did I get from cancer? A new writing voice and the passion to hear people’s stories and understand where they come from. A stirring deep in my soul that wants to change the world. I value time and peace and every relationship that I have, past, present, and even future. I have released control over to God and now walk around with a heart so open that at times it feels broken. Most of all, I have less fear and more faith. I am overwhelmed and so grateful.

Today a friend asked, “What lipstick does one wear on their birthday?” Today I chose Loreal Color Riche lipstick in Divine Wine which you can get at any drugstore. In my humble opinion, Loreal is one of the better drug store brands in terms of color choices and consistency (I think it’s actually owned by Lancome). I chose this color because it’s an easy berry shade on me with a little bit of a brown undertone and of course the name. Celebrating with a nice glass of wine. Cheers!

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Bathroom Magic

24 Oct

This week’s topic in my blogging group is “in my bathroom”.  I believe the bathroom is a magical place (I know, save the snarky comments). I mean it. It is a place of transformation and sometimes resolution. It is the place where my day starts and where my day ends. When I open my eyes in the morning, walk into my bathroom and look in the mirror, I think about what the day holds, who I may see, who I may speak to; and then I start the process of freshening up to face a new day with a new attitude. You may find this strange but we have two lights in our small bathroom; one bright light, and one dim light over the shower. I prefer to only have the dim light on in the morning because, as I tell my husband, ‘it is my spa moment.’ It sounds creepy but I like to start the day really peaceful and relaxed and showering to a dim light helps. At the end of the day my bathroom is the place where I wash the day off and think about the events which took place. This I do with the bright light. I like to see my make up come off and how my teeth look after they’ve been brushed and flossed. Being a mom, the bathroom is also a place that has seen my many emotions. I have danced, screamed, and cried in there. Second to my closet, it is my place of solitude where I can grab a few moments to organize my thoughts, read, or just be brain dead before tackling what may be outside my door. I don’t know, I guess my bathroom is a place of change and cleansing; changing into the person the world sees then cleansing myself free of the ‘dirt’ I may have attracted during the day. Who knew talking about a bathroom could get so deep? My husband built the bench pictured above out of the leftover tile we had when we re-did the bathroom. It’s small and sturdy and allows me to gather my thoughts or even read in the bathroom sitting on something other than, well, you know.

For today’s lipstick I chose Aquaphor. I know I’ve mentioned this product before but I love it! I actually swipe this on my lips before I go to bed so that they are lipstick ready the next morning! Rise and Shine!

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Twilight Zone

12 Oct

 

I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Today was my last day at my current company. I accepted a position with another company and gave my two weeks notice, well, two weeks ago. This week and the end of last week I have been saying good-bye to some of my current customers and co-workers while juggling incoming mail and phone calls from my new company and co-workers. I was in the Twilight Zone all week…one foot in the old company and one foot in the new; feelings of sadness from leaving the familiar,mixed with feelings of anticipation and maybe a little bit of fear venturing into new, unknown territory. Wow, didn’t I just talk about change? Why the switch? There are many factors. Was it the right thing to do, the right timing? Only God knows, but here I am, TOTALLY freaking out that at 40 something years old, I am still leaving the comfortable and venturing into another new adventure. New people, new boss, new new. I’m too old for this, someday soon my stomach will fail me and I will probably get an ulcer. Change is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time, nothing like keeping things interesting. So, as this week ends, I take a deep cleansing breath (as they say in yoga) and exhale into a new adventure.

When I was in Europe this summer I took a bunch of pictures of doors. Yup that’s right doors, and there were some real beauties. Lots of things happen behind closed doors that we don’t even know or think about. My neighbor across the street recently read my book. Although we say ‘hello’ and have even had them over our house for parties, she said she cried while reading my book because she didn’t realize all that was happening behind our doors. Isn’t that true of everyone? Look around at your neighbors homes, your friends, everyone has a story and when they exit those doors they bring what’s behind into the world. Behind my doors right now is crazy. I have my old work computer next to my new one next to my home computer. I have incoming reports and outgoing, final reports and mixed in with all of that, my kids’ schedules are crazy with sports, school play, and of course, that broken hand. Doors also symbolize for me closing what’s behind and opening what’s ahead. Monday when I leave the house I bring my crazy into the world but I also get to breathe in a new day, a new job, and a new adventure.

Today I wear Sephora Rouge Cream Lipstick in Hot Tango. This is the first time I am trying Sephora brand lipstick because I confess, I am a lipstick snob and prefer mainstream brands. I REALLY liked the color and consistency of these lipsticks and you can even try them on in store. This formula is very moisturizing and has a lot of color. Hot Tango is a BRIGHT pink/red. I probably should have gone with Passion Red which is deeper but sometimes you need the WOW factor. Anyhow, I also chose it for the name because sometimes that’s what life is like right…a HOT TANGO?

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Why Worry?

1 Oct

A few days ago I was talking to a customer whom I haven’t spoken to since June. His son was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago right before my second recurrence and surgery for cancer. Last June he told me his son was doing much better and they thought he was finally in remission. When I asked him the other day how he was doing, he told me his son passed away in July, the cancer took a turn and went into his bones. In one month’s time his four year old was gone. As he told me the story of how he and his wife were comforted by the fact that he was no longer in pain and they were able to hold him in their arms until he finally passed, I sat speechless and breathless with tears in my eyes. When he was finished we were both quiet for awhile and he looked at me and asked, ‘You don’t worry too much about anything anymore do you, not much can stress you out, right?’ Hmmm, I do worry about my kids, but there’s not much anymore that can freak me out. If I’m not running exactly on schedule or if I can only check one thing off my ‘to-do’ list so be it. Every day we have obstacles and opportunities thrown at us and we have to deal with it as it comes. Can it get exhausting? Of course, but then again, even some of the best laid plans fail. I more than ever believe that sometimes God has a plan and sometimes it’s not the same as ours, sometimes you just have to trust it’s the right plan and you move forward. That simple word ‘trust’ is so freeing. The fall sky has been so amazing, it is a reminder that there is someOne much bigger than myself. Here are a couple pictures:

Today I ran a race with my daughter and a close friend going through a difficult time. The three of us ran for different reasons; my daughter ran because well, I think she wanted to prove to her brothers and herself that she is athletic. My friend ran because I promised her we would take it slow and that she would feel great but also because I forced her to  do something for herself. Today I ran because running helps me feel like I have a little control of my body and although it’s super hard to breathe, it stills makes me feel free…hard to explain. Today we ran as Team Lipstick Journey and swiped on red lipstick at the finish line. In the future I would love for the team to grow and possibly start raising funds for cancer charities. Who wants to join the team? One condition, the red lipstick goes on.

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural lipstick in N47, brick red. These lipsticks are moisturizing and semi-sheer and this is the one we swiped on after the race! Cheers!

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