Tag Archives: thyroid cancer

Guilty Pleasure

14 May

Howdy! This week’s prompt for my blogging goup GBE2 is ‘Guilty Pleasure’.  When I saw that I thought…just one?  I have so many. Let’s start with the obvious, lipstick. Yes, this blog is called lipstick journey for a reason.  I have loved lipstick for so long, well since college, and now that I am in my 40’s, that makes it 20+ years.  I buy and wear lipstick based on my mood. Those closest to me (mainly my women friends) can tell what kind of mood I’m in based solely on the color of lipstick I’m wearing when they see me. I probably buy on average a lipstick a week, so this is guilty pleasure #1.

For Mother’s Day my kids got me a chocolate bouquet. That’s right, not flowers, a bouquet made of chocolate bars…they know me so well. Chocolate is guilty pleasure #2. I have to have some type of chocolate every day, even if it’s dessert after breakfast. I’ve tried to cut back but why? More and more research says that a little chocolate (like wine) is good for you! While we’re on the sweets…junk food in general is guilty pleasure #3. I absolutely love french fries, potato chips (mainly plain and BBQ), walking tacos (chili over Fritos…so good), well, you get the idea…a little sugar (chocolate) needs a little salt.

I have a few other guilty pleasures but I’ll leave it at that, the list could get dangerous. Looking at the list I just posted I decided that they are just pleasures, I have no guilt. HA! Today I wear Nars lipstick in Jungle Red. It is a semi-matte bright red (a little drying, wear lipbalm underneath and a clear gloss or lipbalm on top). Yup, feeling a little feisty!

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Behind The Smile

24 Apr

Last week I had a routine exam with my radiation oncologist.  Unlike my other doctor appointments I see him at the hospital instead of an office or clinic. These appointments are especially emotional because I am back in the hospital in the same area/waiting room where I waited every day for seven weeks to get zapped with radiation for a half an hour. Looking around the lobby you see the same thing. All kinds of people, different colors and ages, with different types of cancer waiting their turn. Usually they are there with a caregiver, some are there alone. I couldn’t help but feel for them, especially the really young and the really old. Radiation is no walk in the park. It’s difficult and painful and near the end, it takes all your strength away. I tried to make eye contact and smile at everyone, but there was so much sadness and fear. I sat there very thankful that I was there for a routine check up and nothing else, but the crowded room always takes my breath away.

I also got the chance to meet with a couple girlfriends of mine over lunch (two different friends, two different meetings). They are very similar in current ‘life’ situations. Both excelling in their careers, both young(ish), and both single moms. If you saw either one of them they would be the ones that look put together, always social, always smiling and accomodating. What makes them miles different is their stories up to this point and what’s behind the smile. One has had outstanding family support and love throughout and one has not. One is confident in who she is and believes she can move forward confidently and one questions if her decisions have been right, she even has difficulty forgiving herself despite the support of her friends. We are so molded by our histories, they affect how we look at life and ourselves. When you talk to people and question how they are why they are, first ask them where they came from.

What’s behind a smile? In the waiting room, I was smiling, but inside I was sad for those around me and overcome with emotion at how far I’d come. Behind one friend’s smile was hope and excitement for the future, my other friend had uncertainty and sadness behind her smile. Yesterday we got the news that a 14 year old relative passed away. He had many friends and did well in school but no one knew what was behind that smile. Love people, listen to their stories, love your kids and tell them often. We all need validation and care.

Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick on Prayer. This lipstick is a mauvey-brown color which pretty much any skintone can wear…very neutral. This particular formula from Kat Von D is rich in color and fairly moisturizing; it also lasts a very long time! I chose this color today mainly because if the name (although I do have this one in my bag for everyday). I lift up in prayer all those who are hurting behind their smiles.

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Home

14 Apr

This summer I will be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. I actually got married young by today’s standards, one year after graduating college (he graduated ahead of me). For the first few years of marriage, we were commuters. I had an apartment in Indiana where I was placed for my first job, and he was in Chicago for medical school. People have asked why we didn’t just wait until he was done instead of only seeing each other on weekends for the first few years. Well, we were young and in love and that’s well, what else is there to say? Anyhow, it was a honeymoon every weekend and we did wait 6 years to have our first child. Since the beginning of our marriage we have had 10 different addresses in three states (I am also counting the two addresses he had while in school since I would visit and it would be our home for the weekend). 3 of the homes we had built from the bottom up, 1 of the homes was a ‘spec’ home which means it was half done, we chose the rest, 1 was a builders model home, and today’s house was an older home that we have put blood, sweat, and tears into in re-doing each room, one by one. Our first child had gone to three different schools by the time he was in second grade and my other two experienced the stress of remodeling our current house while also dealing with my cancer. It has been quite the ride and today, we have had the same address for 7 years, the longest we have stayed anywhere. Sometimes I am jealous of some of my friends who got married and put roots down somewhere and never moved but I don’t think I would change things, it’s what I know.

This week my cousins and aunt are visiting from California and the Philippines. I haven’t seen my cousin from the Philippines in almost 30 years (I think we look the same, like no time has passed). It reminded me of the journey my parents took 40 years ago leaving friends and family with a 3 year old (me) to start a better life for the generations to come. It was a huge move away from all they knew, from their home. What is a home? You’ve heard the cliche’ “Home is where the heart is”. For me that’s true. If I were Dorothy in Oz and clicked those red shoes three times, they would bring me to my home; not defined by a city, state, or address, but solely defined by where my family happens to be. The upside from all the moves is that I don’t get attached to things (even though I don’t think I really ever have). I don’t get attached to homes, or stuff for that matter. The slight downside is that it has become harder for me to get attached to people because in the back of my mind I’m thinking about our next move. The invention of Facebook of course has changed that dramatically because I can now reconnect and stay in touch with all the people in my life past and present and I’m thankful. Through the moves I have met some incredible people and lifelong friends. When cancer came I cannot think of one person past or present that did not reach out to me. I reiterate this, sometimes we just have a moment to impact someone in either a positive or negative way…make it count.

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick In New York. I love Dior lipsticks and this is a pinky brown which is quite easy to wear with anything. New York is the place I thought I would be living (because of my Broadway dreams) but have only gone to visit. Life takes us along many different paths and I never look back. Home IS where the heart is.

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Random

10 Apr

Do you ever get that feeling that time is just slipping away and you haven’t done anything significant? For the past few weeks this has been me. Working, eating, sleeping, just normal day to day stuff. Last week I had to go back to my corporate office for some advanced training. Although some of the material was good and seeing old friends was awesome, my kids were on Spring Break and I hated being away. One major thing the past few years with cancer has taught me is that time is so precious. It’s hard to wrap my head around this new normal for me and it’s hard expressing it into words. All I know is that I cry more easily and that I feel more deeply. I also value each moment and have a burning in my chest to do something significant. Not really for me, but for others. I want people to see life as beautiful and to live passionately because my heart is bursting. I’m sick of all the facades and the unspoken words…tick tock tick tock…time is just flying by and we can’t go back. I really am having difficulty expressing myself aren’t I?

Let’s put it this way, our life is like a book, each day, each season, is a new chapter…would you keep reading it? If you were a sitcom or a movie, would you keep watching? No, its not always an adventure, we do have the day to day mundane, but there are people we run into in our day and investing in their story can be a small adventure. Oh well, I’m rambling now. Do you think all survivors feel like this? I guess because I’ve been through a lot and know for certain there will be an end to this life (maybe sooner than later), I want to make mine count. Last week at our training we were given personality evaluations based on a questionnaire we had to fill out. One of the concluding statements given to me was, ‘she lives in the present, she tries to live each moment as a satisfying personal experience’.  Yup….

Today I wear Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl which is a siren red. I have to say, like any matte lipstick, it’s a little dry but if you pat it into your lips with your finger and apply lip balm or a gloss on top, it’s fine. Obviously this color is bright red….HOT. I chose it because I have a burning passion to live life.

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Trials

14 Mar

This morning I spoke to a friend of mine who has been struggling with some major family issues for awhile. As she told me everything she was going through my heart hurt for her and her trials brought me to tears. She said she didn’t want to burden me with her stuff because of everything I was going through with my cancer tests. Why does God allow pain? This is the question many people struggle with and I certainly have no answers. I know for me, during all of the trials and tribulations of my repeated cancer diagnosis and treatments, I would not have been able to stay calm and at peace without having faith that God had a perfect plan and that I was not in control. People always asked how I could maintain my faith throughout everything and all I have to say is that I could not have ‘maintained’ without it.

I believe trials in life (and everyone I know has been through at least one) can either harden your heart or soften it. For me, my heart is softer, and listening to my friend’s hurt made me feel her pain. We go through trials to be able to help others, so we need to open our eyes to see and our hearts to listen and feel because no matter how hard we think we have it, someone is doing worst and needs you. Be there. Life is about people, what will our legacy be?

Today’s lipstick is Lancôme L’absolu Rouge in Berry Noir. It’s a beautiful berry color which would be great for spring and summer and this particular formula has great consistency, lots of color, and is moisturizing too. I wear it because spring is a time of new beginnings, and when life throws you a detour it’s great to get a fresh start.

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Reunion

10 Mar

This past week I was in Nashville for my National Meeting. Besides the actual meeting part, it was great seeing people from across the country that I haven’t seen since last June. Remember, last June was an emotional time for me because I had just gotten the news that my doctor thought my cancer was back. These were my new friends who carried me through a crazy time during three weeks of training for a new job. Anyhow, it was a happy reunion because of my recent ‘non’ cancer diagnosis. It has taken a couple weeks for the cancer free news to soak in. My immediate reaction was joy of course followed by doubt ( I’m pretty sure that’s normal), but for the first time since the news, I feel great about it. I think the more I talk about it and the more I tell people I am now cancer free, the more I believe it and become confident. I think that may be true for all people in different circumstances. If you can talk abut it, there are people out there willing to listen and help, and maybe just to give you a hug; and sometimes, we just need to hear ourselves outloud to believe what we say in our heads. I will be singing in a couple weeks and I’m deathly nervous but I’m challenging myself. If we don’t try, we don’t know.

Funny mom story from the week away because I think moms always wonder how dads do with kids while we’re gone. I got a text from my youngest boy who’s 9 saying dad’s not doing that good of a job because he let the dog sleep with him, so he asked if I would do the laundry when I got home. Later in the day I spoke to my husband and he tells me my 9 year old got out of the shower, got ready for bed, then told my husband he shaved his mustache. “What?” “Yup, I used Audrey’s razor and her shaving cream called Satan” Yes, he said Satan, Audrey’s shaving cream is called Satin Gel….

This week I was a little stressed because of all the meeting prep, plus a presentation to give. Consequently I developed a cold sore so my lipstick of the week was limited to Carmex and Abreva although near the end of the week I finally was able to switch to Buxom Big andHealthy Lip Cream in Purple Haze. That’s what it felt like all week with 2000 people in the giant Opryland Hotel…a haze. This lip gloss is awesome. For me it was a slight deep berry color which is just a hint deeper than my lipcolor. I love the consistency of this particular gloss and it is free of parabens and sulfates. It also gives a little tingle when applied to lips!

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Vacation

25 Feb

Audrey's Rainbow

This week my family spent the week on vacation in the Dominican Republic. We started our vacation last Saturday in the wee hours of the morning literally running to our airplane because we waited 10 minutes for the parking shuttle, then the lines were outrageous, then of course after security, we found out our terminal was at the very end of the airport. Thankfully the direct flight went without a hitch. Upon our arrival, we were greeted with beautiful weather and friendly people, what we weren’t expecting was the mass confusion and chaos at their very small airport. Our flight arrived almost an hour early, exactly the same time 4 other flights arrived leading thousands of people pushing and shoving their way to three customs agents. After two and a half hours, we finally hopped on a bus to our hotel which was filled to capacity. So much so, they overbooked the family suites and separated my husband and I from the kids by four rooms plus an elevator hallway. No, I didn’t sleep that night and immediately requested a change the next day. Fortunately, many were checking out leaving us two adjoining rooms…all was well. We spent all day at the beach and in the pool and at the end of our first full day, my husband came down with a severe sinus infection leaving him stuck in the room the next day and a half with fever and chills. The rest of the time went well, besides the one incident with my son eating something with nuts (he’s allergic), and my other son having to be pulled in as he drifted out to sea by a strong riptide, oh, and at night the mosquito hunts in our rooms….our time overall was awesome. We spent time as a family in beautiful 80 degree weather, body surfing the waves, and relaxing in the pool. All of the ‘minor’ incidents on this vacation will be funny memories.

Pretending to be a Rockstar

Isn’t that true of life in general? We all sit around waiting for the ‘big’ stuff to happen; getting to the hotel for the vacation to finally start, the dream job, the big break, the lottery win, etc, but truly it’s all the little or ‘minor’ things that make a life. In fact, sometimes when we look back, the things we thought were little were actually the big things we missed while waiting. Our vacation started Friday night after school and work, not Saturday night when we finally got to the hotel. Don’t miss out, don’t dwell on the little stumbling blocks or mishaps, it could ruin your vacation, or day, or life. Soak up life and laugh about it, it’s funny sometimes!

Today I wear Korres Lip Butter in Plum. It’s kind of a sheer berry which would look great on anyone. Korres is an all natural brand which is a plus and this particular lip butter is super moisturizing with just enough color. I would say that it was the only lipstick I brought with me, but you all know me better than that; but, it is the only thing I wore, the others just took up space!

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Answers!

16 Feb

The wait is over…almost 4 weeks ago blood was taken from me and shipped to California for an experimental blood test that could detect cancer cells. If you have followed my story you know that I not only have a strangely aggressive thyroid cancer which has kept coming back, but I also have thyroglobulin antibody. In the majority of thyroid cancer patients, thyroglobulin level changes in blood is used to detect cancer, but for me, I am in the select few whose body has an antibody against that. Because of that, I have had to have alternating PET scans and ultrasounds every three months to detect my cancer. Add that to the radiation drink (which I later found out my body is resistant to) and seven weeks of external beam radiation and I should be glowing. Fortunately for me, a couple things happened, some physician/scientist discovered this test that would work for people like me, and my personal doctor happened to be at a conference when he talked about it in December. The test is not yet available to the public (it will be very soon) but since the two of them met and personally talked about my case, they agreed to check my blood.

Today I got the call that I am cancer free. If you have had cancer multiple times you beam with excitement for about 30 seconds and then hesitate and say ,”Are you sure?” which is what I said to my doctor, followed by, “How accurate is this test?”  He told me that he was fully confident in this test to the point that he said ,”I’m going to say we repeat all tests in a year.”  A YEAR? I’m used to seeing him every 3 months followed with bloodwork and some type of scan. I told him a year was too long for me and he said his door would always be open. He said if I needed to see him every week he would not say no. My doctors have become my friends and comfort. I have had to lean on them so much over the past four years and when I don’t see them, I miss them. A year seems so long.

For now I feel great. My last post was about do overs with my day starting awesome and ending, well, not so awesome. Today my day started not so awesome (been battling flu like symptoms all week passed along from one family member to another), but is ending on a high note. I still have that hesitant joy, but I’ll let loose for now because I know God is in control.  Thank you all for your continued support and for joining me in this crazy lipstick journey!

Today, actually right this minute, I’m swiping Lancome Le Absolu Rouge in Merlot on my lips. It is an impossibly GORGEOUS deep red which is great for going out. Yes, I know it’s late, I don’t care…maybe I’ll walk in the kitchen after this and end the day with an actual glass of Merlot…cheers.

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Waiting

7 Feb

It’s been an emotional week for me so far. Superbowl Sunday brought a mix of emotions because it was four years ago when the Giants played the Patriots in the Superbowl. How do I know that you may ask, well, four years ago is when this cancer journey began. I remember finding out I had cancer in the beginning of January and scheduling my surgery as soon as possible, January 31, 2008. I remember that year, my husband’s fantasy football quarterback was Tom Brady. I also remember the argument we had two weeks before the Superbowl because one of his good friends called and said he had an extra ticket for the game and was asking my husband to go. Yes, of course he wanted to go, but I reminded him that my surgery was the same weekend. Hubby says, ‘once in a lifetime’, I reply, yes, hopefully for me too (I was a little upset he was even thinking about going). Well, he didn’t go and the Giants won then too. Superbowl Sunday 2008 I was in a hospital room. Just the day before, my doctor told me my singing was over and my prognosis was bad because my nerve was cut leaving my vocal cord paralyzed and the cancer was everywhere. Lots to think about.

This year, again, Giants vs Patriots, Giants win…deja vu. Today, I’m waiting. I have had very few clean scans and tests since then and now I am waiting for the results of the latest test. It’s an experimental blood test which my doctor says may be able to detect cancer instead of another PET scan for me (I’m maxed out on radiation, so the less I get the better). Unfortunately since it’s not a test usually done, the results take a little longer (he told me 2-3 weeks). I have been patiently waiting now for 2 and a half weeks but my patience is wearing thin. Sometimes I feel as if the past few years have been a waiting game; waiting for treatment, waiting for the next test, waiting for the results. Crazy, upsetting, unsettling, depressing, you name it. The bottom line is this, I am not in control of the situation. I have to release my fears and anxieties and just live…a message I have to tell myself DAILY, EVERY MINUTE. It’s hard, but we have to live right? Live your life

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.- Corrie Ten Boom

Today I wear Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter in Red Velvet (no link, you can get it at the drugstore). It’s amazingly moisturizing and has lots of color. RED-LIVE LIFE NOW

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Questions

1 Feb

Last week a study was published about cancer survivors and stress (I wish I had the exact link, but I can’t seem to track it down). The study was done in Europe and it was to see if survivors have less stress in their daily lives because the battle was so intense and stressful already. There were about 200 post cancer patients included and monitored through quiestionnaires. What was interesting was the conclusion stated that cancer survivors actually have less stress regarding different life events and daily happenings but stress more from people and relationships. Hmmm. After thinking about it awhile, it’s true. If I miss an appointment, if I’m in the ‘wrong’ line at the grocery store, if I’m in unexpected traffic, oh well, there are many things in life we can’t control so I don’t stress about  that stuff  much anymore. What stresses me out more now are people;  people at work who will do anything to get recognized and move ahead, people who complain non-stop, people who are rude just because, people who pass judgement before they know you, people who expect the world from everyone else but won’t lift a finger themselves, people who feel entitled, the list goes on. I stress because I just want to shake them and tell them all that in the end, it really doesn’t matter. We have today, we have each other and that’s all. I’m exhausted thinking about it but I do realize that we are all flawed and no one is perfect. What is it that everyone truly wants in life? Fame? Recognition? No, people want to be loved and validated, to know they matter. For me, I think I stress less if I can dig deeper into their story, understand where they’re coming from and realize it’s not my job to change them, it’s just my job to love them for who they are. Love God , love others. Treat your neighbor the way you want to be treated. Sounds simple enough….

On another note, this week has been a long week for me already. What’s today? Wednesday? Well, it’s been busy and I’m exhausted. I can’t seem to sleep because my brain is in overdrive. Not about anything in particular, just a million random thoughts and questions. I would love it if you could leave some comments or answers to some of these questions so I could get better sleep so here goes:

* Is there any time when a mom doesn’t feel like a taxi driver for her kids?

* Is it harder to have needy teens or needy infants? I’m going with teens

* Is there really a dream job out there for everyone, not just a career but a calling with pay?

* Why is Jennifer Lopez’s skin so flawless and luminous on American Idol when I am her age, hormonal, and am struggling with both oily and dry patches? Oh yeah, and her hair? Just sayin…

* Will there ever be a day when I don’t think that my cough, sore throat, headache, or whatever ailment I have at the time is cancer coming back?

* Do moms ever get a good night’s sleep?

* Why is there Twitter, how does it really work, what am I missing? I have almost 500 followers and don’t know what I’m supposed to be tweeting…sorry

* Why can’t kids live without electronics anymore?

* How long must a friendship go on before you both can get ‘real’?

* How can I cut back on sugar when I’m a chocoholic requiring a little something sweet after every meal?

* How much coffee is ‘safe’ to drink every day and what causes cancer?

Well, there’s your sneak peak into my brain, seriously, it won’t stop and I have many more questions in there. I’d appreciate any insight  you may have. Today’s lipstick is Buxom Big and Healthy Lip Cream Lip Polish in Creamsicle. It was one of  my faves as a child. I chose it because it feels like spring in Michigan right now and wasn’t life easier when you were a kid?

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