Tag Archives: breathe

Listen

11 Aug

I’m meeting tons of new people with my new job which is always exciting and a little nerve wracking for me, but fun of course.  The other day I was at lunch with some customers and we were having general conversation about the weather and how their day was going etc.  Most of them said the obligatory, fine, but one of the gentlemen there who I don’t know at all, opened up and talked and talked about his current extremely difficult life situation.  Most of the room had left and he went on and on not wanting advice and certainly not judgement but as he put it, he wanted to verbalize what was in his head and he hoped at the end I would not think he was crazy.  He apologized after spilling his guts for 45 minutes.

My church is holding a mens retreat this fall called ‘The Courage to Listen’.  Of course it’s for men, because they don’t listen…just kidding.  Anyhow, as I listened to this virtual stranger talking about some deep stuff in his life, this phrase popped into my head because do we really have the courage to listen to people and hear the deep stuff they are going through?  When we ask the question, ‘how are you?’, do we really want to know? I felt privileged to hear him rant and also felt pretty good that after only an hour of small talk with the group he thought I would even listen and not judge.  When people I know and trust ask me how I’m doing I give an honest answer and sometimes it’s not positive.  I think people are taken aback with honesty and in our fast-paced society, listening has become a lost art.  I think we want to hear, ‘Fine’ as an answer so we can move on with our day but I know for me sometimes I just want to rant and not have any particular thing solved or discussed; sometimes I just want someone to listen.

Do you have the courage to listen?  Try it, look people in the eye and listen.  Don’t try to solve and don’t interrupt.  It’s amazing and enlightening and when you listen with the sole purpose of ‘hearing’, sometimes you can hear what makes a person tick, what’s in their soul.  Think about your closest friend, they listen. Now think of the impact on a stranger if you truly listen.  It’s a beautiful thing!

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick in Raspberry Rush.  It’s a gorgeous soft shimmery pink which would look great on any skin tone.  I wear it because it’s such a yummy rush making new friends from just taking the time to listen.

Transparent

22 Jul

End of week two in training.  It’s interesting what happens after two weeks in a high stress environment.  Week one, everyone is on their game putting up a front, majorly competitive, and of course, trying to mark their territory.  Now, after week two, everyone’ s tired, stressed, and just plain overly exhausted.  It’s great because everyone’s walls are slowly being chipped away, people are FINALLY letting down their guard and the atmosphere has totally changed in the room.  It has become much more comfortable and supportive. 

It’s amazing once again what happens when people let their guard down and let other people ‘in’.  Now, we are in this game together and now we are learning each others stories which is great.  I love hearing about people’s backgrounds and experiences because it helps to explain why the way they are today (and that goes for the irritating people too).  Ahh yes, another lesson.   If people had no walls and were just themselves, I believe the world would be a better place.  I’m not saying not to have a filter, but if we came into relationships with no expectations, not trying to mark our territory and look better than the other person, what would it be like?  Maybe we should try it, I know I have been because it is such a waste of time and energy to keep up.  For me at this point, again living with cancer, what you see is what you get.  Transparency is a beautiful thing.

Today I wear CO Bigelow Sheer Liptint in Just Blushed.  It has a sheer pink tint and tastes like peppermint.  I chose it mainly for the name although I do love the consistency and color.  Just blushed…because when you’re yourself, it’s easy to see your inner beautiful glow.

Only Human

14 Jul

For the past week I have been in training for my new job.  There are around 20 of us (complete strangers) in a single room for almost 10 hours a day.  I also was assigned a roomate for the duration of training.  We are all different ages, different stages of life, from different parts of the country with different backgrounds and different reasons as to why we took the job.  I love observing people and behaviors.  What I’m curious about is what drives people.  Of course, we have the outspoken crew and the super competitive, the people who talk to be heard and the wallflowers.  What I found out about me is that since having cancer, I have less tolerance for the people who believe they are above everyone else and that they’re opinion is somehow the only opinion that matters. 

We are all people who are in this journey of life together.  Why do we waste time making automatic judgements and acting superior?  I really don’t get it but as The Green Lantern says from the movie “We’re only human.”  It’s not worth the trouble trying to pretend to be something you’re not, because it doesn’t work and it’s exhausting.  We ARE only human and we ALL have our flaws and insecurities, let’s praise what we are given and seriously enjoy every moment.  Life is too short. 

Today I wear Carmex lip balm because today I am just me.

Un-Birthday

7 Jul

This weekend my daughter will be in a musical production of Alice in Wonderland Jr.  She plays a few different roles but one of her roles is a ‘Un-birthday’ girl.  Of course I had to ask what that was.  She said that everyone has one birthday and 364 un-birthdays.  In Wonderland they celebrate un-birthdays and are going to have a big party.  How great is that????  Why can’t we celebrate every single day?  From my past post you may recall how much I love birthdays and how meaningful (especially having cancer), they are to me, but why can’t mine and your un-birthdays be just as meaningful?

You know this past week I found out my cancer is back for the fourth time.  Well, I’m done crying.  I have decided that I must live one day at a time and trust God.  Right now, there are no decisions to be made. The doctors will watch and see if what was detected stays the same or grows over the next few months.  From this point on I must celebrate every single day and live life to the fullest…every un-birthday!  Think about it, why hold back a celebration of life? Each day is new and a chance to be blessed as well as to bless others.  We don’t get do-overs (well, maybe some of you do) so move forward, press on, and don’t look back!

Today, I am wearing Dior Addict Ultra Gloss in Flash (sorry, limited color).  It is a gorgeous hot pink lipgloss with a little bit of silver sparkle.  To me it is the best color for today’s un-birthday, a little hot pink to celebrate life!  Now, who wants the first piece of cake?

No Fear

29 Jun

Here I am again in the PET scan room (written at 6:30am), waiting the 2 hours until the contrast they injected me with makes its way through my body so they can detect any cancer cells floating around.  Am I afraid? Of course.  Not so much for the test. this is probably my 10th or 11th scan in three years so I’m used to lying still with metal hovering just inches over my face and body.  No, I’m always scared to hear the results (they haven’t exactly been positive most of the time).  I also am seeing my laryngologist this week and that scares me too.  Mostly because I don’t really want to know how close or non-functional my vocal cords are.

After cancer, I don’t really trust my body.  Before each diagnosis, I have felt great (minus an occasional sore throat).  I would love to rejoice each time I get clean results or good news, but even when/if I do I am hesitant and suspicious.  Will I ever get that trust back?  I doubt it.  Will I let it control me and take away my joy?  I won’t let it.  Yes, I believe the fear of cancer coming back will always be there, but even if I don’t trust my body, I will always trust in God who created it and has a perfect plan for me.

All of us have our hesitations and fears but there are many things we cannot control.  happiness is based on our outside circumstances but joy comes from within, from trusting our Creator has a plan although it may be different from ours.  Fear is ok but don’t give it the power to control you and rob your joy.  Life is for the living!

I’m not wearing any metal for my PET scan, but one thing I am wearing is Bobbi Brown Treatment Lipshine in Rosy .  It’s a gorgeous warm pinky brown color that looks great on ALL skintones, not quite a full on lipstick, but also not quite just a lip gloss.  One thing I’ve learned is to live for today and today I choose to have a Rosy outlook on life!

No Excuses

22 Jun

The other day I was in line at DSW (for those not familiar, it is a huge designer shoe warehouse).  I was the only one in line standing behind the big sign that said ‘Form Line Here’.  The sign stood about 5 feet away from the line of registers.  As the customer in front of me was finishing up and I was getting ready to step forward, a man literally ran up from I don’t know where buying three pairs of shoes and stepped up to the cash register.  The cashier started ringing him up thinking he was next in line.  Hello?  Did I look like a mannequin holding up the sign?  The store wasn’t even that busy at the time and I was literally the ONLY ONE STANDING THERE with one pair of shoes!  First, I wanted to yell at him and to physically push him out of the way.  Second, I wanted to explain to him the rules of the game, how inconsiderate he was, and then tell him my story and everything I’ve been through to still be around to buy one pair of shoes.  But no, I stood there and smiled awaiting my lost turn in line.

This got me thinking, I was using my cancer as an excuse for better treatment, a disability so to speak.  I wanted him to know that sure, maybe he was in a hurry, but excuse me, I’ve had cancer.  Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing?  I don’t want cancer to define me; it is simply a part of my story.  When most people look at me they don’t even know.  I want to be the person that I am today because of what the cancer has taught me; stronger, bolder, more understanding of people because of their story.  Maybe he didn’t see the sign, maybe he’s from out of town, maybe it was his first trip to DSW and didn’t know the ‘line rules’.  Whatever it was, I was not in a hurry so waiting 5 extra minutes didn’t really matter to me.  Despite being discouraged, I was able to take a step back and wonder about him and wow, the story I made up in my mind about him made me laugh out loud.

Anyway, we all have insecurities, ‘disabilities’, things which happened in our past or words that were spoken to us that have made us who we are.  Sometimes we like to use them as excuses, the ‘if you only knew what I’ve been through…’Well, it’s time to get your MOJO back. Don’t allow those things to define you.  Every day is a new day and a new chance to be the difference.

Today I wear I wear Revlon Coffee Bean lipstick which is a beautiful medium brown with a tiny bit of pink undertone.  It also has a little bit of shimmer.  I chose this color because of the name.  Coffee to give yourself a jolt of life, no excuses!

Like Father, Like Daughter

17 Jun

Me and my dad

People have always asked me where I got my love for music and my musical ability.  Although I have many musically inclined relatives, I have to say that most of my passion for music came from my dad.  Growing up, we had the turntable stereo with the 4 ft. speakers on each side in our family room.  At least a few times a week my dad would blast a symphony playing classical music and pretend to be the conductor.  I would watch in awe as he conducted Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, and even John Philip Sousa.  He would also continually play singers like Nat King Cole, Johnny Mathis, Tony Bennett and sing along with them.  My dad was and is always singing; sometimes instead of replying to a question with words, he replies with a tune.  I learned later on that he played the trombone in the college marching band and was also in a band playing the harmonica.

My dad and I are a lot a like.  We are both quiet and laid back and sometimes have difficulty expressing our feelings; I think that’s where the music comes in.  When we find it hard to express ourselves, there’s music that can do it for us.  My dad was stern and strict growing up and I’ve only seen him tear up a few times.  Every Christmas, he would play Filipino carols and tear up because of the family and friends he missed in the Philippines.  That’s what I mean, emotion through music.  Now for me, music runs deep, it affects my heart and I can literally feel each note and word of a song.  I thank my dad for this love and expression.  He has taught me many things and even though he’s a man of few words I understand him.

Happy Father’s Day Dad, I Love You!

For Dad’s day I wear Estee Lauder Pure Color Gloss in Rock Candy.  It’s a gorgeous soft baby pink lipgloss with diamond shimmer throughout, great for any skintone!  I wear it because the pink reminds me of my childhood and the bling reminds me of the musical showman my dad truly is!

Lost and Found

12 Jun

There are certain things I have lost and that I miss because of my cancer and all the complications associated with it.  I miss running, dancing, swimming, and even riding a bike with my kids without having any breathing difficulty.  I miss some of my taste buds, so now, something has to be very sweet, very spicy, or very sour for me to taste.  I miss being warm on a warm day because my thyroid is no longer there to help control my internal temperature.  I miss having a sore throat and not having to wonder if the cancer is back once again.  I miss coughing without having people try to stay away from me because it’s so loud and uncontrolled or having my kids worry about me from the sound of the cough.  I miss being able to talk all day and sing whatever I want with ease all night and still have a voice with no sore throat.  I miss sleeping on my left side because I am a side sleeper, but now when I sleep on my left I choke and cough because of all the scar tissue on that side.  I miss my right vocal chord which if it were still functioning, I could talk better, sing better, and breathe better.

On the other hand, I have found many beautiful things.  I have found a deeper understanding of me and the world around me.  I have found a new love for people, their histories, and their stories.  I have found people that truly care and deeper friendships.  I have found a greater appreciation of time and a greater passion for life and every moment.  I have found a deeper faith in God and inner strength I never even knew I had.  I have found a new and strong voice in my writing.  In the end, I have found courage.

So no, cancer did not take away from me, it gave my heart more life.  For this I wear Christian Dior #773, Rouge Podium.  It’s a color that’s hard to describe…pink/orange/red?  It’s not as bright as it sounds.  It’s the first lipstick my husband has ever complimented me on (and he hates bright lipstick).  He says it brightens up my face and reminds him of a summer day.  That’s why I wear it, for sunnier days ahead!

I Love Birthdays

31 May

Survivor Lap

Last weekend I was able to walk and sing at my first Relay For Life event and it was an amazing experience.  The survivors were given purple shirts which read ‘Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back.’  What a great mantra because that is what we were all there to do.  There were so many survivors, all different ages, colors, genders, cancer knows no bounds. During my trip around the track in the Survivor Lap, I was overwhelmed with joy at the fact that my fight is currently over and I have won.  I couldn’t keep a smile off my face.  At one point my mom (who walked the lap with me along with my family) turned around and said, ‘I want to cry’.  I was walking with fighters; people given no choice but to stand up and fight for their lives.  We are told we are strong when in fact, we rise up and do what we need to do.  The sign that impacted me the most in that lap was one that read ‘I love birthdays.’  I was overcome with emotion and just couldn’t stop the tears. The thing is, is that I have always loved birthdays.  As a child, even though I didn’t have many birthday parties, my parents made me feel like the most important person on that day.  It was a celebration of me.  After cancer, birthdays are all the more important.  The first surgeon said my diagnosis was poor and wasn’t sure how much time I had left, and with the cancer continually coming back I wasn’t so sure myself.  Every birthday since that diagnosis has been a milestone for me.  I tear up every year at the significance of a birthday.  It has also been a time to reflect on the past year and its events.  After the survivor lap I was asked to sing which was overwhelming.  I made it through ‘Over the Rainbow’ and as the crowd of survivors, walkers, and supporters, all people touched by cancer, applauded, I wept.  I was told I would never sing again and here I was.

Me and Audrey (with her red painted hair)

Me and Audrey (with her red painted hair)

 

singing

singing

Something fun that I did this week was to go on my second lipstick consultation trip.  I shopped with a friend to help her find her perfect shade for this season.  It turned out to be a new Armani long wear lipgloss in Plum.  It’s a light plum gloss with great consistency and not too much shimmer…I bought one too!  That will be my color this week…light plum; highlighting your natural self and adding a little bling, enough said!

I love birthdays!

Friendship

24 May

My mom had many friends growing up but the two she spoke about the most were Adele and Rolly.  She shared many of her childhood stories of them with me. They were best friends through thick and thin and maintained their friendships well into adulthood (that’s 50+ years of friendship)!  Rolly’s family ended up in Toronto and Adele’s family in California.  She spoke to them by phone and more recently through e-mail.  Since we were in the Detroit area, we visited with Rolly and his family many times, I grew up knowing him and his kids, we even called each other cousins.  I didn’t see Adele quite as much because she was in California, but every time my mom spoke to her (and still speaks to her), they are laughing, crying, sharing memories, and creating new ones.

On April 17th, Rolly went to see a doctor because his skin was turning yellow.  They determined it was a blocked bile duct so they put in a stent.  On May 10th, he went back in complaining of pain.  Last Friday my mom got a call from Rolly’s wife saying that it was serious and it didn’t look good, Saturday my mom was on the phone with her friend Adele crying and reminiscing about their younger years with Rolly.  Sunday morning my mom took a bus to Toronto to see one of her best friends in his hospital room.  They were able to talk and laugh and cry when she arrived Sunday night and by Monday morning, he was gone.  In one short month, he went from vibrant to gone.

It is so hard to share your life for so long with someone and have only memories left, but is it worth it?  Absolutely!  We are made for relationships; to share our struggles and our joys, our heartaches and happiness.  Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.  Through my struggle with cancer, my friends made sure me and my family were taken care of.  They prayed for us, made meals for us, offered to drive my kids to their activities, drive me to my appointments, etc.  Without them, it would have been a lonely walk; they were God’s hands and feet to me during that difficult time.

Cherish the people God has brought into your life and tell them how much they mean to you.  You may not get that ‘later’ or ‘tomorrow’ or ‘I’ll tell them next time’.  I truly believe there is a purpose to every ‘chance’ meeting you have with someone.  Open yourself up and let people in, it’s hard and I’m bad at it (but I’m working on it too).  I can’t say it enough, we are a rushed and virtual society because it’s easy; but take the time to get to know someone and be a friend, it can only make your life richer.  From the movie It’s A Wonderful Life, “Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends.”

Lipstick today is Angel Skin from Chantecaille.  It is a nude color with a hint of pink.  If you’ve read my book you know I’m not that fond of nude so I top it with a Chantecaille gloss called Charm.  I chose Angel Skin for the name; to honor the death of Rolly but also the friends I have who to me are my angels here on earth.  Thank you for your friendship!