Tag Archives: external beam radiation

Tired

30 Aug

I’m tired. I’m just going to ramble on about different things that have been bothering me so please bear with me. First, I still have not done any bloodwork to confirm or deny tumors…it’s been three weeks but my doctor is finally back from vacation so I will see him soon. Since my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I have had that underlying anger issue, remember (refer to ‘Angry’)?. I am a sales rep, have been for over 20 years. Sure it’s a fine career, but generally speaking, the customer is always first. So…when you are in a bad mood or an ‘angry’ mood, or if you have a bunch of personal issues going on…well, you still have to smile and be on your ‘A’ game…talk about a great paying acting gig, it’s exhausting. I thought I was done acting since switching my degree to science in college. What else…you know those relationships that you think may be solid then all of a sudden you feel a little pushback just when you think you may really need their friendship? yeah. Hmm, I am so busy with the three kids and the school year ramping up again it’s not even funny. One in elementary and one in Jr High and one technically starting high school, throw in there the beginnings of football for the youngest, travel basketball for the oldest, and dance for the middle, etc.., it’s hard to catch my breath. Oh yeah, that’s another thing, with allergy season and of course, all the issues with my neck, it’s hard to breathe. I saw my speech pathologist recently who told me that because of everything I have gone through, including the hemorrhage on my vocal cord which happened on our vacation last month, my remaining vocal cord is weak which explains my breathing and also my weaker voice. She gave me a couple different contraptions I can use in the car to help exercise and strenghthen that area…it’s exhausting.

Can I just sleep for awhile? The other thing is this, I want to still be active but my body does not match up to what my mind thinks it can do. Most of my life there has been at least one person telling me I couldn’t do something. You can’t do this or do that, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, tall enough…whatever. I have always looked at that as the ultimate challenge..PROOVE.THEM.WRONG. Well, surprise, I can’t run like the wind anymore, bike fast, dance like crazy, kickbox because my breathing will not let me and it’s irritating!! I am starting back up in ballet soon because it is the one type of dance I think I can control my breath in. I have also decided to try a few more 5K runs not because I’m stupid or crazy, but because I need to. I want to at least feel like I’m the boss of my body if even just a little bit, plus the wind on my face makes me feel free. Strange, huh? Hard to explain. That’s enough, I’m done. Now to focus on the peace that passes all understanding…Ahhh

Today’s lipstick is Lancome Rouge in Love lipstick in Fiery Attitude. Can you guess why I picked it? anyhow, it’s a beatiful wine color which would be great for fall. These lipsticks have ALOT of pigment and are fairly long lasting. The texture is super light on the lips but again since it’s longer lasting it’s a bit drying for me. Pretty anyway!

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Less Angry

21 Aug

OK. I have calmed down a little from my last post. Yes, I still have some of that underlying anger about my situation and the past four years of cancer toying with my mind and body, but I am starting to calm down (sorry to the CVS pharmacist that I unleashed my anger on).  A few days ago, I was making my usual rounds for work (I’m a sales rep), and one of my customers asked how I was feeling and if there was anything new. I don’t usually share that much with my customers so I was surprised when she asked. I told her about my recent ultrasound and that I was currently going through an ‘angry’ phase. Now, I don’t really know this woman that well because I have only been calling on her about 6 months so honestly, I’m not entirely sure how she knew about my health struggles. Anyhow, she left her desk, sat next to me, and looked me straight in the eye, and with tears in her eyes said, ‘I just found out I have a brain tumor and my operation is Tuesday (today)’. She said it was an ear ache that wouldn’t go away so they did an MRI. Wow. I was overwhelmed for her and the weight that was on her shoulders but was glad I was there to listen and share some hope. She asked me questions about my journey and about sharing illness with kids because she is a single mom. At the end of our conversation, we smiled and hugged and I told her I would see her in a few weeks when she was healthy and back to work.

Lessons:

  • Never assume or judge because you don’t know where they came from or what they are going through.
  • Focus on things that matter because your world can change in a day.
  • Share how you feel, tell the one’s you love that you love them over and over, because you may not get a second chance
  • Forgive and live a life with no regrets

Yes, I’m still angry but I think it’s been healthy for me since I’m generally a people pleaser, it’s ok. Today I’m wearing Covergirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Everlasting. These lipsticks are super-moisturizing and surprisingly long wearing. This color is kind of a plum/berry color which is great for summer and on trend for fall. I chose it because this is the color family I love and of course, the name. Friendship and love is everlasting, take the time to hold someone’s hand or give them a hug, nothing beats feeling like you matter!

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Enough Already!

8 Aug

Cheers for a new day!

Today was an interesting day. I started off the day early with an ultrasound to my neck. Because of the experimental blood test I took 6 months ago showing I had no cancer cells, I was able to wait a full year before doing my ultrasound and PET scan. Last night I told myself that if he didn’t see anything today, to me, my cancer journey would officially be over and life would just be moving forward in my new ‘normal’. It has been a full year since my last ultrasound and already two years since my last surgery and external beam radiation, so again, a clean ultrasound today for me meant…officially over. Well, it wasn’t exactly the news I wanted. Keep in mind, I know this doctor. He has been the radiologist who has looked in my neck every 3-6 months for four years now. I have heard him say ‘there’s something there’ , ‘it’s back’, ‘you’re clean’, ‘see you next year’, etc…I have seen my doctors so many times that I understand their mannerisms and expressions. So today when he said, ‘hmmm, there’s some tissue there and it’s thick.’ What does that mean? ‘I’m not sure, but that’s exactly what I’m going to write on my notes. It’s thicker than last time, a year ago, when’s your PET scan?’ Not scheduled yet. ‘Oh, ok, you should probably schedule that.’ Is it good or bad? ‘I’m not sure, it’s just…more’. More what? ‘Do the PET scan.’

Needless to say, I left not knowing how to respond. Let’s just say I wasn’t overwhelmed with joy, but I wasn’t totally devastated either. I just felt nothing, so I went to work. I spoke to one of my friends a little while after and he said, ‘How do you do it?’ What? ‘Continue on normally with life, work, etc when you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for four years.’ You just do. As I thought about his question throughout the day I started getting a little angry. Yes, I’ve been on this rollercoaster for awhile and well, I want off. I have remained positive and strong thanks to my faith, family and friends, but sometimes it feels like I’m walking on thin ice and at anytime it could crack and I will drown. So here are my hidden feelings, things that I don’t usually share except with a select few. I hate this. I hate asking for prayers and help over and over again because I feel like a drainer of people. I hate that I have a harder time swallowing and breathing. I hate that my kids never quite know how to react or what to ask after every test. I’m sick of fighting with my body…fighter, survivor?  No, just always fighting. I hate sore throats and necks. Sometimes I don’t want to be positive , but truth is that if I do fall through the ice I’m afraid I would never resurface, so I keep skimming the top. No, I really am not afraid. I trust in God’s plan. Sounds hokey and religious to some, but that’s how it truly is for me. I’m not scared, I’m just sick of all this and I really don’t like to have to think about anymore. Unfortunately because of all my appointments and how my breathing, speaking, singing etc. have changed, I’m forced to.

Well, enough of my rant. Thank you for listening, praying, and supporting me always. Thanks to this blog, I can rant and rave and not keep those feelings hidden ,that’s worse, everyone needs an outlet, so find yours. For now I will move forward with my red lipstick on. Today I choose Nars lipstick in Fire Down Below (a color I’ve chosen before). Nars lipsticks are great for color, staying power, and of course the names, love this name….cheers!

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Loner

3 Aug

 

I recently saw a movie called ‘A Little Bit of Heaven’ starring Kate Hudson. It is available for rent or On Demand if you have cable television. WARNING!! SPOILER ALERT!! READ ON IF YOU DON’T CARE IF I TELL YOU HOW IT ENDS!!! Anyhow, it is about a woman whose life is going great; good friends, great career. All is well until she is diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer and is told she either starts treatment right away or she dies. She begins treatment right away and about half way through the movie she finds out the treatment is not working…therefore…well, you can guess. What made this movie unique for me was that unlike other ‘cancer’ or ‘death/illness related’ movies, it was not really a bucket list movie. You know the ones…’I’m dying so I have to accomplish these things before I go’  movies. No, this movie has the main character completely focused on her relationships, strengthening them and even repairing them. It shares her feelings as well as her friends’ and parents feelings and struggles during an extrememly difficult time. The main character is a happy-go-lucky girl, always smiling and positive, but not really ever revealing the turmoil inside, kind of a loner. It reminded me so much of my own thoughts and feelings and it exposed to me what my family and friends may have felt over the past few years in my own struggle with cancer. I sobbed the whole time and at the end I could barely breathe because of how hard I was crying…I’m glad I was alone! I think the last time I cried that much watching a movie was when I saw ‘The Champ’ in the late 70’s. What kid wouldn’t cry watching a dad die?

So here’s the truth about me, some of you already know because I’ve written about it before, I am also a loner. Before cancer I was also happy-go-lucky, always smiling and positive (I still try to be), but…like the character in the movie, it has always been difficult for me to have deep, authentic relationships. Of course I’ve had many close friends over the years, but very few that I can say were deep. Deep relationships take a lot of time to develop and are vulnerable and difficult , a position I did not want to be in. Dont get me wrong,  I love to listen to people, hear their struggles, share their pain, but as for me sharing…not so much, and of course, to have an authentic relationship it needs to go both ways, right? Now, that was BEFORE cancer. Like the character in the movie, cancer opened my heart and it has not been able to close back up. I CRAVE relationships, honesty, authenticity, openness, etc. so much so that when I feel like a friendship is just riding the surface it drives me crazy. Well, there were things I did not agree with in the movie but overall I thought it was spot on. In the end, it’s not about your stuff or your accomplishments, it’s about people and relationships and ultimately love. So if you feel like crying and seeing a real tearjerker movie, this one’s for you.

Today I am wearing Aquaphor on my lips. Tragedy happened this week when I got hives on my lips from one of my newer lip products!! That’s right, I was allergic to a lipstick I bought but since I had purchased a couple lip balms too, it has taken the whole week to narrow down which one it was and I still have a few spots that are irritated. If my lips weren’t so big everyone would have seen the hives!  So, it’s been Vaseline or Aquaphor as my gloss for the past few days while my lips calm down. I LOVE Aquaphor. It is a great skin treatment for severely dry or chapped skin that you can use on lips, elbows, hands, and one of my favorite things to do is put some on my feet and then put socks on at night. In the morning your feet look like you just had a pedi! Cherish your friends and family, open your heart!

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Breathless

23 Jul

Sunset over the Mediterranean Sea

 

Awhile back I bought a book called The Happy Book by Rachel Kempster for me and my daughter. It is essentially a journal with prompts; you can draw, tape pictures, or just write about things that make you happy. In the future, it can be used as a reference to look back at happy things and make you smile on the days where a smile is hard to find. Recently with the advent of some mixed health news, I put it in my car and started.  The very first entry was to list everything that makes you happy. My list currently has about 85 things listed and is not finished. I have to say while writing all these ‘happy’ things, I had a huge smile on my face. So, this weeks topic for my blogging group is ‘breathless’ which I thought tied into things that make me happy because some of the things  that make me happy are also things that take my breath away. Today I was left breathless when the doctor told me that the extra ‘something’ that was seen on my optic nerve was NOT cancer, just some nerve bundles, normal tisue. There are the small things that make me happy or take my breath away too, like chocolate cream pie, or just a really good candy bar, obviously a new lipstick, and even a hug from someone I love can leave me breathless. Then there’s the big and beautiful things like rainbows and sunsets and the colors of a flower in bloom; or even my kids laughter or watching them sleep. Then there are not so happy things that knock the wind out of you leaving you breathless. Things like hearing the phrase “you have cancer” or “the cancer’s back” or “yes, it’s back again,”; or when you get robbed or when your child is sick, etc. Both instances, good and bad, leave your heart racing and your mind turning in different directions. Both though, the good and the bad give you more life. They allow you to feel something and that’s how I want to live. I want life to take my breath away.

What is it that takes your breath away? For me, life leaves me breathless; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I read this quote last week and it has left an imprint on my mind because this is how I want to be…passionate, daring, and always a dreamer.

“When we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble into the world creating a beautiful ripple effect of inspiration. When one person follows a dream, tries something new, or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy, and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.”- Author Unknown

Today I wear Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Passion. This is a tinted lip balm with SPF 15 which comes in 5 sheer colors. I love these tinted balms because they’re packed with vitamins, have great color, and are not sticky (they’re just a little pricey). I chose Passion because I love the name but also, this one is the sheer candy red color…I LOVE it!!!

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Impact

30 May

“Moments of impact…these moments of impact define who we are. Each one of us is the sum total of every moment we’ve ever experienced with all the people we’ve ever known and it’s these moments that become our history. Our own personal greatist hits of memories that we play and replay in our lives over and over again.” From the movie The Vow

I watched the movie The Vow the other day, total chick flick by the way, and this was one of the quotes. After the main character said it (which is pretty much in the beginning of the movie), it made me think of all the people in my life and all those moments of impact, good and bad. It is a greatest hits list because it has somewhat made me who I am today. There was the high school teacher who made me love chemistry, the other high school teacher that told me I was a great singer and supported and encouraged me throughout high school and even beyond. My first boss out of college who not only told me I was smart but also said I was classy and that was why he hired me (I was 21 for goodness sakes but then I had to continually live up to that). More recently with cancer over the years, my last surgeon at U of M who said ,’We’re going to take care of this once and for all.’ My voice team who never stopped believing in me, who never stopped calling me a singer and who pushed me and gave me confidence to even try to continue singing, and of course all the people praying and supporting me through the most difficult of times. All the stories I was told and e-mailed from others, so many moments of impact in my life, so many greatest hits.

I think we often wonder who we really are, who our true self is. What is at our core? Are we the same person on the outside as we think we are on the inside? I have always been secretly stubborn. If someone told me I probably couldn’t do something, my mission was to prove them wrong, now I know my limitations. To some extent we are molded by what people think of us, say to us, expect from us. We are also molded by all of those experiences and how we react to them. What I know is that no one can write our book for us, every day is a blank page ready to be written. I want to be myself in and out, authentic. I want more moments of impact but I also want to provide moments of impact for others. Dont you? How? Be encouraging, be loving, be honest and say what’s in your heart, live open-handedly….it comes back ten fold.

Today I wear YSL Rouge Pur in #9, Rouge Laque. First, I have to say that I hate lipsticks that have a number as it’s primary name. Part of the fun for me is the lipstick color names, oh well. These particular YSL formulations are quite revolutionary. They’ve been written up in all the magazines so of course I had to try. They are a stain that shines like a gloss. Most long lasting stains dry out my lips, this is not much different. What I love is the color and shine which are both extremely intense but since it’s generally drying on me, I found that if I put balm on first, the color still lasts, or, if I wear it over a lipstick, that works too. Overall, it’s GORGEOUS. I chose #9 because it of course is red. Live life, make an impact!

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Guilty Pleasure

14 May

Howdy! This week’s prompt for my blogging goup GBE2 is ‘Guilty Pleasure’.  When I saw that I thought…just one?  I have so many. Let’s start with the obvious, lipstick. Yes, this blog is called lipstick journey for a reason.  I have loved lipstick for so long, well since college, and now that I am in my 40’s, that makes it 20+ years.  I buy and wear lipstick based on my mood. Those closest to me (mainly my women friends) can tell what kind of mood I’m in based solely on the color of lipstick I’m wearing when they see me. I probably buy on average a lipstick a week, so this is guilty pleasure #1.

For Mother’s Day my kids got me a chocolate bouquet. That’s right, not flowers, a bouquet made of chocolate bars…they know me so well. Chocolate is guilty pleasure #2. I have to have some type of chocolate every day, even if it’s dessert after breakfast. I’ve tried to cut back but why? More and more research says that a little chocolate (like wine) is good for you! While we’re on the sweets…junk food in general is guilty pleasure #3. I absolutely love french fries, potato chips (mainly plain and BBQ), walking tacos (chili over Fritos…so good), well, you get the idea…a little sugar (chocolate) needs a little salt.

I have a few other guilty pleasures but I’ll leave it at that, the list could get dangerous. Looking at the list I just posted I decided that they are just pleasures, I have no guilt. HA! Today I wear Nars lipstick in Jungle Red. It is a semi-matte bright red (a little drying, wear lipbalm underneath and a clear gloss or lipbalm on top). Yup, feeling a little feisty!

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Insomnia

8 May

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. Do you ever feel like there’s not enough time in the day?  I read a quote last week which said, “Sky Above, Earth Below, Fire Within.” That statement really impacted me because that’s how I feel after cancer. I have a fire within to make some type of difference. With my voice still intact despite all the surgeries, radiation treatments, and the loss of one vocal cord, I feel like I might have something to say. With my new found passion for writing, my book, my blog, etc, I feel I may have lots more I need to write. With the people my job allows me to meet and those currently in my life, I feel the need to hear people’s stories because there are so many, and do what, write them down? All the stories, all the backgrounds help me appreciate my own and make me a richer more loving person. With my new found health and passion for life I feel I might be preparing for something to do…I just don’t know what.  All I know is that I’m awake and at times, overcommitted, and add to that all the lipstick…it’s just crazy.

What do you do when you have a burning passion to do something and don’t know which direction to take because you’re not exactly sure what that passion is? ‘To make a difference’ sounds too broad right? I’m curious, really, what do you do? Yes I know I spoke about purpose in my last blog and I still believe that people are the purpose for where we are. For me though, after all this cancer junk, at the end of the day it’s hard for me to sleep because it’s another day, another 24 hours, gone and I’m just wishing I could have done more with that time…. another risk, another phone call, another letter, whatever, just more. I guess for now, I will pray and go about my days with eyes and arms wide open. Eyes open for whatever may lie ahead. Arms wide open to people.  Notice anything with the picture above? There are two rainbows…don’t miss the moments.

Today I wear Dior Addict Ultra lipgloss in Flash which I’m sad to say was a limited color a few months ago ( a close relative would be Outrageous Fuscia or Sari Pink). What I love about the Dior lipglosses is they are so moist and not sticky. They add a hint of color and are beautiful.  Right now, they are my favorite lipglosses. I chose the color Flash because the name reminds me that life goes by so quickly!

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Purpose

4 May

I have had a crazy but amazing week. I’ve actually felt a little overwhelmed since completing that race I spoke about in my last blog. One of the most universal questions is “What is my purpose?”  In other words, “Why am I here?”  I ask myself that all the time. Of course, since I am a Christian I believe God put each of us here for a purpose beyond ourselves and He equipped us with specific gifts and talents to fulfill that purpose. In our own human-ness we, at least I, end up equating that with career vs calling. Am I called to be a sales rep or am I just passing time before I find my true purpose?

Well, this week some amazing things happened that helped me understand the answer. Again, this is my viewpoint. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be for now. Yesterday I visited an office I hadn’t been to for a couple of years. I went with a friend just to say ‘hello’ to my old customers. I had only called on them a little over a year before getting laid off so I wasn’t really sure if they would even remember me or how they felt about me. When they saw me, I was overwhelmed by the welcome or I should say, welcome back. One of the customers even led me to a back hallway where there was a whiteboard which said, “Anna Warner, My Lipstick Journey Through Cancer.” He said it had been up there for over a year and he tells everyone to read my book. All this from people I didn’t think would really remember me.

So here’s my thing, purpose is about the people. Yes, I will probably always struggle with the days of wondering about my job, but no matter what I’m doing or where, it’s about relationships. I got cancer which obviously was not part of my plan, but I have met so many people who have impacted my life in so many ways; some really deep and everlasting relationships. I only hope I have done the same for them. Former strangers, now friends. I believe there are no accidents and people come in and out of our lives for a reason; whether it’s to teach us to love more, to be more compassionate, or even to break our hearts and make us stronger. In the end, my heart overflows and I can barely contain it. It’s ok, I don’t want to. I think sometimes when we are searching and questioning where we should be or what we should be doing, we miss where we are. I am sitting smack dab in my ‘purpose.’ Sit for 5 minutes and think about where you are, think about all the people in your life. We all make decisions good and bad that lead us in different directions. I try not to have regrets. This is life.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lip Color in Pink Ballet. First of all, I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks. This formula is extra creamy because it has shea butter in it. The color is a soft pink which is appropriate for spring and summer and Bobbi colors are pretty much universal. I chose it because I love music and I am also a dancer. I danced through my youth and even through college. We live our purpose daily but if we can infuse our passion too, well, the skies the limit!

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I Ran

29 Apr

Yesterday I ran in a 5K race (3.1miles). This might seem insignificant to some, but for me it was a milestone, a miracle. My cancer surgeries and treatments have made it very difficult to participate in any type of cardiovascular activity because of my difficulty breathing. For those who don’t know, one of my vocal cords is paralyzed and because of scar tissue from three surgeries and external beam radiation along with swallowing I-131 radiation, my other vocal cord sits close to the other and moves a little slower. Picture drinking through a straw…lots of liquid. Now squeeze the straw so that it’s only open less than half the width, not much liquid can pass through and it’s that much more difficult to suck liquid in. That is how I breathe because my opening is less than half of a normal person’s. Without activity, I breathe just fine; but when I’m doing something active like running, I have to take at least twice as many breaths just to get air into my lungs. It’s a whole process of taking shorter faster breaths to keep going. Six months ago I could barely walk a mile on a treadmill without having to slow down and try to catch my breath, yesterday, I ran 3.1 miles. Now, I do have to say there were periods of walking, but a lot less than I thought. In fact, I finished 80th out of 134 in my age group (I pictured being last but finishing nonetheless). As I crossed the finish line, I could not help but break down and cry. It was a run for health, and faith, and for me, after four long years of fighting, it felt like a first step of trusting my body again, or as a quote I read on another cancer blog, ‘honoring a goal after a sea of disappointment’. I felt and still feel great! Of course I couldn’t do it alone. My friend Frances was there to encourage me and coach me through all the way. I knew this was something I wanted to do eventually and she helped lead me and keep me committed to this race (of course, there were times I wanted to back out).

After all the struggles with cancer and consequently my voice and my breathing, I can say that I can talk, sing, and run. Not without some struggles, but I feel blessed. Thank you to Frances and to all my friends and family that have helped and encouraged me. Thanks also to all of you who follow my lipstick journey!

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural in N47. It’s red and moisturizing….it is the red lipstick I was wearing when I crossed the finish line!

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