Tag Archives: external beam radiation

Blessings

15 Aug

I sat down and played the piano and sang tonight for the first time since starting my new job last June.  I picked the song Blessings by Laura Story and I almost could not make it through.  The words struck a chord with me and it made me cry.  The chorus goes like this….”What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?…What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise?”

Think about it. Why do bad things happen to good people?  That of course, is the question of the century and I don’t know the answer.  For me, I stand on my faith which tells me that yes, God knows what He is doing and that His plan (although not mine) is perfect.  Looking back on my journey with all the twists and turns, I have had blessings beyond belief and all on His time frame.  I have met and am still meeting incredible people.  I have seen kindness and compassion and love from people I have only known for a short period of time.  I am talking and even singing with one vocal cord.  Despite the constant attack on my neck by the cancer cells that won’t go away, I am not defeated, I am alive.  I am amazed at how blessed I am.  Like the words of the song say,  what if our blessings come through raindrops?  Through my tears I have seen rainbows.  I still have hope and I know that God’s plan for me (and you) is an amazing one.

Today I wear Mally lip gloss in Life is Fuscia.  It is a sheer hot pink lip gloss which is perfect for August.

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Listen

11 Aug

I’m meeting tons of new people with my new job which is always exciting and a little nerve wracking for me, but fun of course.  The other day I was at lunch with some customers and we were having general conversation about the weather and how their day was going etc.  Most of them said the obligatory, fine, but one of the gentlemen there who I don’t know at all, opened up and talked and talked about his current extremely difficult life situation.  Most of the room had left and he went on and on not wanting advice and certainly not judgement but as he put it, he wanted to verbalize what was in his head and he hoped at the end I would not think he was crazy.  He apologized after spilling his guts for 45 minutes.

My church is holding a mens retreat this fall called ‘The Courage to Listen’.  Of course it’s for men, because they don’t listen…just kidding.  Anyhow, as I listened to this virtual stranger talking about some deep stuff in his life, this phrase popped into my head because do we really have the courage to listen to people and hear the deep stuff they are going through?  When we ask the question, ‘how are you?’, do we really want to know? I felt privileged to hear him rant and also felt pretty good that after only an hour of small talk with the group he thought I would even listen and not judge.  When people I know and trust ask me how I’m doing I give an honest answer and sometimes it’s not positive.  I think people are taken aback with honesty and in our fast-paced society, listening has become a lost art.  I think we want to hear, ‘Fine’ as an answer so we can move on with our day but I know for me sometimes I just want to rant and not have any particular thing solved or discussed; sometimes I just want someone to listen.

Do you have the courage to listen?  Try it, look people in the eye and listen.  Don’t try to solve and don’t interrupt.  It’s amazing and enlightening and when you listen with the sole purpose of ‘hearing’, sometimes you can hear what makes a person tick, what’s in their soul.  Think about your closest friend, they listen. Now think of the impact on a stranger if you truly listen.  It’s a beautiful thing!

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick in Raspberry Rush.  It’s a gorgeous soft shimmery pink which would look great on any skin tone.  I wear it because it’s such a yummy rush making new friends from just taking the time to listen.

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Enjoy Today

5 Aug

So I just completed my first week in the field doing the only job I’ve  known since college.  This may sound cheesy, but it felt like home.  Sure, I’ve done a short stint or two trying other things, but this is the job that I am confident in and that I know how to do and for that reason, I love it and I feel very fortunate to be back.  I am in a territory that is partly new for me so I get to meet tons of new people which is exciting (not all of them are nice, that’s the challenge, right?); but I also see some of the people that I used to see before I was laid off last year and it was like I had never left.

Driving along today I was looking at my life and really feeling blessed.  Sure, I am still living with cancer, but I have a job I actually like, I don’t have to travel a ton so I’m home with my family almost every night, they’re all healthy, and generally, I feel great.  I am done crying and as a matter of fact, I can’t stop smiling right now (I realize this may be temporary, but for now, it’s what I got).  I was with a new customer a few days ago and after I introduced myself he handed me a piece of paper folded in half and told me to read it in my spare time.  I of course stuffed it in my bag and forgot about it until now.  Well, I read it and the gist was this, enjoy today, don’t worry about tomorrow, and don’t think about the past…how fitting…it put a bigger smile on my face.  Enjoying today is hard for many of us to do, but truly today is all we have.  Recently I went through my ‘what if’s’…What if I never got cancer? Then I wouldn’t have written a book, and I wouldn’t have met all of my new and wonderful friends and support system, I wouldn’t have known to let go of the simple worries and irritations so easily.  What if it continues to grow and I can finally no longer sing?  Well, this I struggled with for awhile but after grieving the possibility over and over, I am letting that go to.  I think our question should not be ‘what if’ but instead be  ‘what now’.  If we continue to worry about the future and obsess about the past, we miss today and that would be a bummer because for now, today is all we have.

Enjoy today, be present for those around you and especially for those you love because we can’t get back time.  It’s  ok to be selfish with your time, since cancer, I certainly am.  Don’t let today be tomorrow’s regret.  Today I wear Nars lipgloss in Greek Holiday.  It’s a gorgeous peachy-cream-sparkly lipgloss.  It’s great for medium/darker skin or someone with a great tan.  I wear it because it’s beautiful and going on a Greek holiday sounds like fun (I’ve never been, but thinking about it puts a smile on my face)!

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Tic Toc

30 Jul

“Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear. Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, How do you measure, measure a year. In daylight, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles, in laughter in strife, In Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, How do you measure a year in the life”…Seasons of Love, from Rent.

Tic toc, all we have is time, how do we spend it?  I learned the news that I had cancer one week before leaving for training.  The last thing I wanted to do was leave my family and friends for three weeks and use those minutes with people I didn’t know.  I listened to this song on my way there and then again on my way back and I discovered that my attitude had changed.  On my way, I thought about the brevity of life and truly the limited time we have and wondered why I was leaving my family during such a critical time in my health.  On my way back, I thought about the new friends I had made and how those moments I spent on the new relationships impacted my life.  At the end of training we were given evaluations individually.  What my trainer told me was that in the beginning he couldn’t figure me out because I was so quiet, but in the end he said it turns out I was a quiet storm affecting one person at a time.  This made me cry.  Since cancer, my life mission has been to make a positive impact one person at a time and his statement was validation that I was doing something right.

You’ve heard me say this before but I will say it again and again.  We impact each person that we meet whether positive or negative, people walk away from each encounter feeling something about you.  Sometimes, it’s just a few minutes and in this case for me, it was three weeks.  What type of impact do you want people to feel after you walk away?  I choose to make it a positive one.  Yes, three weeks was a long time, but the moments I spent with certain people were not a waste of those precious 525,600 minutes.  People are not a waste of time.  So thank you to Michelle, Jennifer, Ashley(TX), Ashely(FL), Lauren, and of course, Fernando.  You have all impacted my life.

For my new friends I wear  2 colors, Chantecaille- Angel Skin ,  a soft pinkish nude, because you were all my angels during training; and Bobbi Brown -Burnt Red because it’s my reminder to live boldly (and because Fernando said he loves red lipstick).  Thank you for the shared tears and all the laughter.

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Transparent

22 Jul

End of week two in training.  It’s interesting what happens after two weeks in a high stress environment.  Week one, everyone is on their game putting up a front, majorly competitive, and of course, trying to mark their territory.  Now, after week two, everyone’ s tired, stressed, and just plain overly exhausted.  It’s great because everyone’s walls are slowly being chipped away, people are FINALLY letting down their guard and the atmosphere has totally changed in the room.  It has become much more comfortable and supportive. 

It’s amazing once again what happens when people let their guard down and let other people ‘in’.  Now, we are in this game together and now we are learning each others stories which is great.  I love hearing about people’s backgrounds and experiences because it helps to explain why the way they are today (and that goes for the irritating people too).  Ahh yes, another lesson.   If people had no walls and were just themselves, I believe the world would be a better place.  I’m not saying not to have a filter, but if we came into relationships with no expectations, not trying to mark our territory and look better than the other person, what would it be like?  Maybe we should try it, I know I have been because it is such a waste of time and energy to keep up.  For me at this point, again living with cancer, what you see is what you get.  Transparency is a beautiful thing.

Today I wear CO Bigelow Sheer Liptint in Just Blushed.  It has a sheer pink tint and tastes like peppermint.  I chose it mainly for the name although I do love the consistency and color.  Just blushed…because when you’re yourself, it’s easy to see your inner beautiful glow.

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Un-Birthday

7 Jul

This weekend my daughter will be in a musical production of Alice in Wonderland Jr.  She plays a few different roles but one of her roles is a ‘Un-birthday’ girl.  Of course I had to ask what that was.  She said that everyone has one birthday and 364 un-birthdays.  In Wonderland they celebrate un-birthdays and are going to have a big party.  How great is that????  Why can’t we celebrate every single day?  From my past post you may recall how much I love birthdays and how meaningful (especially having cancer), they are to me, but why can’t mine and your un-birthdays be just as meaningful?

You know this past week I found out my cancer is back for the fourth time.  Well, I’m done crying.  I have decided that I must live one day at a time and trust God.  Right now, there are no decisions to be made. The doctors will watch and see if what was detected stays the same or grows over the next few months.  From this point on I must celebrate every single day and live life to the fullest…every un-birthday!  Think about it, why hold back a celebration of life? Each day is new and a chance to be blessed as well as to bless others.  We don’t get do-overs (well, maybe some of you do) so move forward, press on, and don’t look back!

Today, I am wearing Dior Addict Ultra Gloss in Flash (sorry, limited color).  It is a gorgeous hot pink lipgloss with a little bit of silver sparkle.  To me it is the best color for today’s un-birthday, a little hot pink to celebrate life!  Now, who wants the first piece of cake?

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The Story Continues…

4 Jul

Some of you already know the results of my latest PET scan (my last blog entry), for those who don’t, yes, there was cancer detected.  I found out last Friday afternoon and for the past few days I’ve been trying to process how I feel.  I cried a lot mainly because my mind wanted to hear the words “All clear, see you next year.”  Instead I heard, “There’s something there that’s not big enough to be detected by ultrasound so we will look again in 2-3 months to see if it’s grown.”  This has been one long and difficult road but I think I’m done crying.  I’m not angry, my heart is mostly sad; sad for my family (which by the way, my daughter and younger son were standing right next to me when I got the news and when I got off the phone my daughter said, “all clean right?”  When I said “not exactly”, her face and demeanor changed immediately…sad); sad for my parents who also have been waiting for good news for almost four years now, just sad in general.

On the other hand, I am done crying because I am 100% confident that God has a plan that’s perfect for my family and me whether it’s the plan I want or not.  I have to move forward in faith because that is the only sure thing.  I am broken right now.  I don’t feel courageous or strong so I’m thankful for all the support and prayers, but I know I’ll get that back.  For now, I move forward on this journey that God has me on, confident that He will take care of me.

Today I wear Smashbox Photofinish  Lipstick in Marvelous. On me, it is a beautiful sheer red.  I wear it because life is a marvelous adventure, and of course red to continue living life boldly.

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No Excuses

22 Jun

The other day I was in line at DSW (for those not familiar, it is a huge designer shoe warehouse).  I was the only one in line standing behind the big sign that said ‘Form Line Here’.  The sign stood about 5 feet away from the line of registers.  As the customer in front of me was finishing up and I was getting ready to step forward, a man literally ran up from I don’t know where buying three pairs of shoes and stepped up to the cash register.  The cashier started ringing him up thinking he was next in line.  Hello?  Did I look like a mannequin holding up the sign?  The store wasn’t even that busy at the time and I was literally the ONLY ONE STANDING THERE with one pair of shoes!  First, I wanted to yell at him and to physically push him out of the way.  Second, I wanted to explain to him the rules of the game, how inconsiderate he was, and then tell him my story and everything I’ve been through to still be around to buy one pair of shoes.  But no, I stood there and smiled awaiting my lost turn in line.

This got me thinking, I was using my cancer as an excuse for better treatment, a disability so to speak.  I wanted him to know that sure, maybe he was in a hurry, but excuse me, I’ve had cancer.  Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing?  I don’t want cancer to define me; it is simply a part of my story.  When most people look at me they don’t even know.  I want to be the person that I am today because of what the cancer has taught me; stronger, bolder, more understanding of people because of their story.  Maybe he didn’t see the sign, maybe he’s from out of town, maybe it was his first trip to DSW and didn’t know the ‘line rules’.  Whatever it was, I was not in a hurry so waiting 5 extra minutes didn’t really matter to me.  Despite being discouraged, I was able to take a step back and wonder about him and wow, the story I made up in my mind about him made me laugh out loud.

Anyway, we all have insecurities, ‘disabilities’, things which happened in our past or words that were spoken to us that have made us who we are.  Sometimes we like to use them as excuses, the ‘if you only knew what I’ve been through…’Well, it’s time to get your MOJO back. Don’t allow those things to define you.  Every day is a new day and a new chance to be the difference.

Today I wear I wear Revlon Coffee Bean lipstick which is a beautiful medium brown with a tiny bit of pink undertone.  It also has a little bit of shimmer.  I chose this color because of the name.  Coffee to give yourself a jolt of life, no excuses!

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Old and New

5 Jun

A few days ago I met a beautiful woman, Michele, who happens to be a jewelry artisan.  She creates beautiful and unique pieces using natural stone, silver, and buttons!  She is a true artist that puts a lot of love into her pieces.  We actually met through Facebook where she posted some of her pieces on a wall of a friend of mine (gotta love technology).  Anyhow, through her research she discovered the ancient relationship between the healing properties of Lapis and thyroid cancer and she created an incredible choker for me (pictured above).  It fit perfectly, laid exactly over my scar, and she added a songbird atop a heart with wings because she knew I was a singer.  It was an incredible gift which left me speechless, emotional, and most of all grateful.  Michele is a new friend I have met because of cancer.

I have friends who have known me before cancer and now, I have friends who only know me because of the cancer.  I wonder if I am different to these two sets of friends.  I know that I am not the same person I used to be.  It is my ‘new normal’.  I see things differently, I feel things differently, and there are things I’m less tolerant of because life is too short.  I wonder if my old friends can see that because that is the only person my new friends have known. We are all continuously changing into the people God created us to be, but cancer and mortality have opened my eyes a little sooner.  Everyone is unique and is molded by their history.  It’s so fun listening to their stories and as I sat with Michele and listened to her story and how cancer has affected her life I knew that this was no ‘chance’ meeting.  I love all of my friends and I am so thankful that God brought every single person into my life at exactly the right time. 

Today’s lipstick is Iced Amethyst by Revlon!  It’s kind of a purply-silver.  Don’t let the color scare you because it actually goes on soft.  It highlights a natural plum lip color (like mine) and adds a little sheen.  Like my friends, old and new, they highlight my life and are just ‘icing on the cake’!

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Friendship

24 May

My mom had many friends growing up but the two she spoke about the most were Adele and Rolly.  She shared many of her childhood stories of them with me. They were best friends through thick and thin and maintained their friendships well into adulthood (that’s 50+ years of friendship)!  Rolly’s family ended up in Toronto and Adele’s family in California.  She spoke to them by phone and more recently through e-mail.  Since we were in the Detroit area, we visited with Rolly and his family many times, I grew up knowing him and his kids, we even called each other cousins.  I didn’t see Adele quite as much because she was in California, but every time my mom spoke to her (and still speaks to her), they are laughing, crying, sharing memories, and creating new ones.

On April 17th, Rolly went to see a doctor because his skin was turning yellow.  They determined it was a blocked bile duct so they put in a stent.  On May 10th, he went back in complaining of pain.  Last Friday my mom got a call from Rolly’s wife saying that it was serious and it didn’t look good, Saturday my mom was on the phone with her friend Adele crying and reminiscing about their younger years with Rolly.  Sunday morning my mom took a bus to Toronto to see one of her best friends in his hospital room.  They were able to talk and laugh and cry when she arrived Sunday night and by Monday morning, he was gone.  In one short month, he went from vibrant to gone.

It is so hard to share your life for so long with someone and have only memories left, but is it worth it?  Absolutely!  We are made for relationships; to share our struggles and our joys, our heartaches and happiness.  Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.  Through my struggle with cancer, my friends made sure me and my family were taken care of.  They prayed for us, made meals for us, offered to drive my kids to their activities, drive me to my appointments, etc.  Without them, it would have been a lonely walk; they were God’s hands and feet to me during that difficult time.

Cherish the people God has brought into your life and tell them how much they mean to you.  You may not get that ‘later’ or ‘tomorrow’ or ‘I’ll tell them next time’.  I truly believe there is a purpose to every ‘chance’ meeting you have with someone.  Open yourself up and let people in, it’s hard and I’m bad at it (but I’m working on it too).  I can’t say it enough, we are a rushed and virtual society because it’s easy; but take the time to get to know someone and be a friend, it can only make your life richer.  From the movie It’s A Wonderful Life, “Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends.”

Lipstick today is Angel Skin from Chantecaille.  It is a nude color with a hint of pink.  If you’ve read my book you know I’m not that fond of nude so I top it with a Chantecaille gloss called Charm.  I chose Angel Skin for the name; to honor the death of Rolly but also the friends I have who to me are my angels here on earth.  Thank you for your friendship!

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