Tag Archives: friends

Changes and Thankfulness

18 Nov

When I started my sales career after college over 21 years ago I was assigned a university hospital as one of my accounts. I remember being fresh out of college and placed in a city (and state for that matter) that I was unfamiliar with to begin ‘adulthood’. There were many changes like a phone bill, an electric bill, rent. etc; and I remember that first week driving through this college campus to get to the hospital to do my job. I cried. It was a huge transition and as I looked out at the college kids walking around with their backpacks (and some in pajamas), while I was in my suit, I couldn’t remember why I was ever ‘stressed’ in college, and I asked myself,’am I now doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do when I grow up?’ I wanted to go back. Fast forward to this week. I was assigned another university hospital with my new job and as I drove around the campus, I was filled with gratitude, it was like deja vu’ from when I first started. I smiled thinking about those old feelings in college, will I get a job? where will I end up? am I doing the right thing? why did I change my major? Even now some of those questions linger but I do know that life goes on and we follow a path based on our own mistakes and decisions and ultimately where God leads us.

Also this week, an old friend was asking about a television show I was on in the 80’s. It spurred conversation between a few of my other friends on Facebook and brought back fond memories of my past. Since I have to drive quite a bit for my new job, I brought a few CD’s I had of musicals, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, Rent…and as I tried to sing along with the soundtracks, for the first time in a long time I was a little heartbroken. I miss my singing voice. I have always loved music and was fortunate to do a lot of singing over the years and now, after cancer took away a vocal cord, it’s not so easy and I was feeling a little nostalgic and sad. I have to say though, it was because of my singing and my inability to reach some of the notes that I found my cancer (massaging my neck after singing somewhere because my throat was so sore).

So this week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am thankful for my singing because in a strange twist of fate, it’s what saved me. I am thankful for a career that allows me to talk to and meet all kinds of people. I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on, past, present, and even future. I am thankful for my family and friends; for all those who support me through this blog and my Facebook fanpage. Most of all, like all survivors, I am thankful for life. Blessings to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I wear Mac Sheen Supreme Lipstick in Can’t Resist. I LOVE these ultra moisturizing full color lipsticks! They feel almost like lipbalm, but a tiny bit thicker and are a full color lipstick! Can’t Resist is a plummy-red that is a great color for fall. I chose it because not only do I love the color, but I also love the name. When I think about my life and all that’s transpired I can’t resist smiling. Feeling blessed.

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Common Thread

6 Nov

“You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words…” CS Lewis

I’ve been in a little funk lately, just feeling kind of ‘gray’. I guess it is a normal thing for cancer/former cancer patients to feel when on a downswing wondering which direction life is leading them (I think it’s normal for everyone). Anyhow, over the past few years I have run into many people affected by cancer; cancer survivors/fighters and those that support them. As I thought about the quote by CS Lewis, I believe you can find a common thread in people who you are attracted to, or close friends; but speaking to ‘cancer’ people, there are definitely commonalities. Here are some to think about:

*Fighter.Survivor.Strong.Courageous. All great labels, but sometimes we either don’t want the name (figher/survivor) or don’t feel like we’ve done anything to deserve the name (strong/courageous). We simply did what we had to do and rose to the occasion.

*For those of us who have survived, we wonder what our greater purpose is.

*We don’t stress too much about small stuff or really very much of anything.

*We expect the best from people, honesty, love, no games

*Sometimes we want to just spend the money, we wonder why we’re saving

*We are more fearless and take more risks

*We are more emotional because we have been broken

*We like peace

*We get nervous with every little change in our body, even if its allergies or a cold. We are very aware of EVERY change and wonder if it’s the cancer or a side effect of the treatment

*We realize that while the world around us has generally stayed the same, we are forever changed

*Time is everything and checking items off that bucket list is now a priority

It’s a tough journey and I would have rather not been part of it, but we don’t get to choose. Looking at the list it seems everyone, cancer or not, would have those common threads. Why must a life-changing illness remind is to keep life simple?

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Raisin. I love Bobbi lipsticks for both their moisturizing, color, texture…really, they are just great lipsticks.  It’s a medium brown/plum shade that I love. Raisin has been my go-to color for at least 10 years, keeping it simple today. Cheers!

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Growing up

26 Aug

There once was a girl whose favorite outfit was a pink and white checked bikini, who loved to sing and dance, who sang Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells on a 20 hour flight from the Philippines to the United States just when she was 3 years old. She was shy but her parents brought her to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and to the theater. They gave her dance lessons and piano lessons and instilled in her a love for music and theater which became her passion and helped her come out of her shell. She wondered what she would look like at 16, at 18, at 20; if boys would like her and think she was pretty. She dreamed of being on the stage, New York City, of even being a princess; and although life has changed and she has gotten older, she still dreams…almost even more than she did as a child. This little girl is me and being in my 40’s now means that if I’m lucky, I still have more than half my life to live, but also means almost half of it is over. I want to keep dreaming and discovering, is that wrong? I have shared some of the things I want to do with some people and they look at me like I’m a little crazy…so what? I refuse to settle. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Attributed to Carl Bard

This week my oldest son turned 15 which means in three years he will be a legal adult. He finished driver’s ed on his birthday and got his driver’s permit last Friday. Time has flown and I can’t help feeling sad but excited about his future and his great adventure. He is my child that has always had that ‘old’ spirit. He is very practicle and safe. What are his hopes and dreams for the future? We’ve talked about a few. I wonder what he thinks when he looks in the mirror at himself (which is often, usually flexing his muscles, which I call skin over bones). I pray he has some big dreams and when he tells people about them they also look at him like he’s slightly crazy. I pray he faces life head on and accepts stumbling blocks as challenges. I pray he is kind, that he loves God and others, and that he is fearless. Most of all, I just continue to pray for him and my other children as well, because I know we as parents can’t always be there. Life is funny and fast and crazy.

Today I wear Too Faced La Creme lipstick in Spice Spice Baby which is a pinky brown. I love these lipsticks because they are SUPER moisturizing. This color is an easy color to wear but on me, it does not have enough pink so I add a gloss. I love the name…make life spicy! Also, just to keep you updated…I have not yet done the blood test to check for tumor markers, my doctor has been on vacation but is back this week!  I’ll keep you posted!!

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Enough Already!

8 Aug

Cheers for a new day!

Today was an interesting day. I started off the day early with an ultrasound to my neck. Because of the experimental blood test I took 6 months ago showing I had no cancer cells, I was able to wait a full year before doing my ultrasound and PET scan. Last night I told myself that if he didn’t see anything today, to me, my cancer journey would officially be over and life would just be moving forward in my new ‘normal’. It has been a full year since my last ultrasound and already two years since my last surgery and external beam radiation, so again, a clean ultrasound today for me meant…officially over. Well, it wasn’t exactly the news I wanted. Keep in mind, I know this doctor. He has been the radiologist who has looked in my neck every 3-6 months for four years now. I have heard him say ‘there’s something there’ , ‘it’s back’, ‘you’re clean’, ‘see you next year’, etc…I have seen my doctors so many times that I understand their mannerisms and expressions. So today when he said, ‘hmmm, there’s some tissue there and it’s thick.’ What does that mean? ‘I’m not sure, but that’s exactly what I’m going to write on my notes. It’s thicker than last time, a year ago, when’s your PET scan?’ Not scheduled yet. ‘Oh, ok, you should probably schedule that.’ Is it good or bad? ‘I’m not sure, it’s just…more’. More what? ‘Do the PET scan.’

Needless to say, I left not knowing how to respond. Let’s just say I wasn’t overwhelmed with joy, but I wasn’t totally devastated either. I just felt nothing, so I went to work. I spoke to one of my friends a little while after and he said, ‘How do you do it?’ What? ‘Continue on normally with life, work, etc when you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for four years.’ You just do. As I thought about his question throughout the day I started getting a little angry. Yes, I’ve been on this rollercoaster for awhile and well, I want off. I have remained positive and strong thanks to my faith, family and friends, but sometimes it feels like I’m walking on thin ice and at anytime it could crack and I will drown. So here are my hidden feelings, things that I don’t usually share except with a select few. I hate this. I hate asking for prayers and help over and over again because I feel like a drainer of people. I hate that I have a harder time swallowing and breathing. I hate that my kids never quite know how to react or what to ask after every test. I’m sick of fighting with my body…fighter, survivor?  No, just always fighting. I hate sore throats and necks. Sometimes I don’t want to be positive , but truth is that if I do fall through the ice I’m afraid I would never resurface, so I keep skimming the top. No, I really am not afraid. I trust in God’s plan. Sounds hokey and religious to some, but that’s how it truly is for me. I’m not scared, I’m just sick of all this and I really don’t like to have to think about anymore. Unfortunately because of all my appointments and how my breathing, speaking, singing etc. have changed, I’m forced to.

Well, enough of my rant. Thank you for listening, praying, and supporting me always. Thanks to this blog, I can rant and rave and not keep those feelings hidden ,that’s worse, everyone needs an outlet, so find yours. For now I will move forward with my red lipstick on. Today I choose Nars lipstick in Fire Down Below (a color I’ve chosen before). Nars lipsticks are great for color, staying power, and of course the names, love this name….cheers!

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Unexpected

30 Jul

 

Just goofing off

Last week was a good week. If you recall, I had some different tests done the week before, last week was all about results. I really hate the cancer roller coaster of emotions. I wonder if there will ever be a day when whatever I’m feeling (a cold, a sore throat, or for that matter whatever lump or bump appears or disappears) will not be about cancer. Oh well, such is the life of a survivor or fighter, whatever. Anyhow, last Monday the tissue they saw on my optic nerve turned out to be just an extra bundle of nerves and tissue and was not abnormal. Wednesday, the MRI results showed I had a bulging disc in my neck explaining the numbness and tingling in my left arm; not related to the multiple surgeries in my neck or the radiation. Friday my laryngologist did a follow up check of my vocal cords and the hemorrhage on my right paralyzed cord is healing and my left vocal cord is starting to move again. Whew, now I wait for my ultrasound and those results in two weeks. From the extreme emotions and weaning off the high steroids, by Saturday, I was exhausted so I think I slept half the day. Life comes fast and furious sometimes. Cancer has introduced me to a whole new set of emotions and there always seems to be something unexpected that comes up, but it’s not all bad, each day is new and I choose to trust God….not fear.

Yesterday we dropped off all three kids at camp for the week. It was the first time for our youngest to go so I was sad to let him go yet excited for him and his new adventure. What was unexpected for me was how I felt saying good-bye to my oldest. I was proud and sad at the same time. He will be 15 in a few weeks and will be starting driver’s ed when he gets back from camp. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming but as I watched him walk away I was saddened at the fact that he is edging closer to legal adulthood. Have I done enough as a mom? Have we taught him well so far? Our time as parents molding and shaping our kids into adults is so short. I have great kids and I feel truly blessed.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lipcolor in Blue Raspberry. I LOVE Bobbi Brown lipsticks. Most of the colors have a brown base so they work for most skin tones. The Creamy Lipcolor is so moisturizing it feels like a balm but these have lots of shine and color. If you love lipgloss but need more color, these are for you. I chose Blue Raspberry because it’s a great berry tone for summer, and who doesn’t love blue raspberries?

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Now

16 Apr

This week’s word for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘now’. So I am going to write everything that happens to be going through my mind right now. I have a really good friend going through a divorce and I’m so sad for them and their family. It happens to be a family we’re close to and have even vacationed with and we are stunned to say the least. I’m sad because another good friend found out last week that her husband has cancer. Like us, they have three kids and I know first hand how hearing the word cancer affects not only you, but the whole family. I’m sitting here wondering why the world seems like it’s upside down and crazy. I’m wondering if I am in the job that I’m going to be in for the rest of my life. It’s not horrible, but is that it? After 21 years, I guess it is, but it makes me a little sad because after cancer I feel there is so much more. I’m wondering what activities the kids have this week, what time, and who’s driving. I’m wondering if I have to cook dinner again tomorrow or if we have enough leftovers from tonight.  I’m wondering if I really want to exercise tonight even though I know that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose my stride and it will be an uphill battle to start up again. I’m wondering when the wind will die down. I’m wondering if my difficulty breathing is due to the extreme changes in weather and my allergies or if it’s something else. I’m wondering what my day with my boss is going to be like tomorrow. I’m wondering how many inches I should cut off my hair on Thursday.

Ok, that’s all. my mind is obviously wound up and filled with emotion, sorry for the rambling. I guess I should go to the gym. Right now I am wearing Dior Addict Lip Glow (yes, another Dior). It is by far one of my most favorite lip products. It feels like a balm and brings out the natural pink color of your lips and yes, it actually adds color to your lips based on your chemistry, temperature…who knows, who cares, it’s awesome!

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Home

14 Apr

This summer I will be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. I actually got married young by today’s standards, one year after graduating college (he graduated ahead of me). For the first few years of marriage, we were commuters. I had an apartment in Indiana where I was placed for my first job, and he was in Chicago for medical school. People have asked why we didn’t just wait until he was done instead of only seeing each other on weekends for the first few years. Well, we were young and in love and that’s well, what else is there to say? Anyhow, it was a honeymoon every weekend and we did wait 6 years to have our first child. Since the beginning of our marriage we have had 10 different addresses in three states (I am also counting the two addresses he had while in school since I would visit and it would be our home for the weekend). 3 of the homes we had built from the bottom up, 1 of the homes was a ‘spec’ home which means it was half done, we chose the rest, 1 was a builders model home, and today’s house was an older home that we have put blood, sweat, and tears into in re-doing each room, one by one. Our first child had gone to three different schools by the time he was in second grade and my other two experienced the stress of remodeling our current house while also dealing with my cancer. It has been quite the ride and today, we have had the same address for 7 years, the longest we have stayed anywhere. Sometimes I am jealous of some of my friends who got married and put roots down somewhere and never moved but I don’t think I would change things, it’s what I know.

This week my cousins and aunt are visiting from California and the Philippines. I haven’t seen my cousin from the Philippines in almost 30 years (I think we look the same, like no time has passed). It reminded me of the journey my parents took 40 years ago leaving friends and family with a 3 year old (me) to start a better life for the generations to come. It was a huge move away from all they knew, from their home. What is a home? You’ve heard the cliche’ “Home is where the heart is”. For me that’s true. If I were Dorothy in Oz and clicked those red shoes three times, they would bring me to my home; not defined by a city, state, or address, but solely defined by where my family happens to be. The upside from all the moves is that I don’t get attached to things (even though I don’t think I really ever have). I don’t get attached to homes, or stuff for that matter. The slight downside is that it has become harder for me to get attached to people because in the back of my mind I’m thinking about our next move. The invention of Facebook of course has changed that dramatically because I can now reconnect and stay in touch with all the people in my life past and present and I’m thankful. Through the moves I have met some incredible people and lifelong friends. When cancer came I cannot think of one person past or present that did not reach out to me. I reiterate this, sometimes we just have a moment to impact someone in either a positive or negative way…make it count.

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick In New York. I love Dior lipsticks and this is a pinky brown which is quite easy to wear with anything. New York is the place I thought I would be living (because of my Broadway dreams) but have only gone to visit. Life takes us along many different paths and I never look back. Home IS where the heart is.

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Nature vs. Nurture

8 Nov

I have had a crazy, stressful week this past week.  I eluded to a certain situation in my last blog and this week everything exploded and I was caught in the firestorm.  Everything revolved around a single person and their actions which finally caught up to them.  I’ve always wondered if bad choices really ever caught up to some people (because some seem to get away with a lot more than others), well now I know, sooner or later they do.  It was interesting watching everything unfold and because I’m always curious about people’s stories, I wondered what this person’s story was that made him who he was today.  It raises the question. ‘nature or nurture’?  Did God make us this way or did our environment create us into who we are today.  I say both.  One of my husband’s favorite phrases when he’s on a stubborn streak is, ” That’s how God made me and no one can change that.”  I believe that to an extent but I also believe that environment can soften and mold us.  I can only imagine the type of person he would’ve been had his parents not reigned him in. I believe we are all created with unique personalities and temperaments but I think our families, friends, and the environment we are raised in mold us too; and then of course, the different choices we make throughout our lifetime direct us one way or another.

People are funny and interesting and knowing people’s stories not only help you understand them more, but accept them and love them too.  I’m not saying that you have to accept their decisions or how they treat you, but it gives you a better handle on things in terms of ‘being the change’ for people (even if it means walking away).  I’m hoping this event may precipitate a change for the better but who knows.  I read a quote which says, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced”-J. Baldwin.  I understand we need to face our challenges or challenging people head on whether change happens or not.  Maybe it’s just to plant the seed or to be a part of that ‘nurture’. We all have a voice and I’m so thankful after cancer that I still have mine.  We need to use it not only to spark change but to be a blessing to others.

This week I wear Bobbi Brown Rich Lip Color in Crimson.  It’s a rich, deep, wine-red, color and the newest to my ever expanding collection.  It’s great for the holidays and red is always that reminder to for me to live life to the fullest…wear it like you mean it!

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Popularity

2 Nov

 

I was never very popular in school.  I wasn’t the prettiest or the most witty, no, I was the super shy, quiet, smart girl that sat in the middle of class; not in the front, not in the back.  I was not really invited to any parties and never really had a date until my senior year.  The only time my shyness was banished was when I sang.  Music stirred my heart, and my emotions were always transported through my voice.  I was not really depressed about not being part of the popular crowd because I was kind to everyone and had many friends because of that.  The flip side to that is that I was (and still am somewhat) a people pleaser.  Now, I have three kids, one of which is a teenager who just recently asked me about popularity.  He is the starting quarterback for the football team but he asked why it feels like all the trouble makers seem to be the popular kids.  I tried to do the ‘don’t worry about it be kind to others and be confident in yourself’ talk, but I remember feeling the same way.  It is so hard.

Recently, I’ve had to deal with a situation at work where I had to stand up to something that disturbed the status quo.  It has been very difficult for me.  I haven’t slept that well, and I’ve lost weight from the stress.  I realized that in my quest to ‘go along with things’ or to be popular, I have lost my own opinion and ‘gumption’.  For me, wanting to be popular equates to wanting to be liked by everyone and with my work situation, there are definitely people that will not be pleased in the end.  It is virtually impossible to please everyone and to be liked by everyone.  I told my son that more important than being popular is knowing who you are and what you believe in.  Popularity changes with each second of the clock so it’s critical to be true to yourself and stand on the foundation that God made everyone unique. I stepped forward at work and said something ,and even though I’m stressed about the decision, I know it was the right thing to do.  It’s a risk to be yourself, not caring whether your opinion is well liked or not, but it’s important.  Don’t lose your voice just to be liked or popular.  We were all created for a unique purpose and if we try to be like someone else, we lose a little. 

Today I wear Lancome’ Color Design lipstick in Curtain Call.  It is a sheer deep raspberry which looks amazing on my medium skintone, it’s great for the season.  Not only is it a great color, it’s got a great name.  This is your curtain call.  Wouldn’t it be great to come out as you?

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Ownership

27 Oct

This week I celebrated my birthday.  You all know how much I love birthdays.  This was my first birthday since 2008 that I did not have cancer, was preparing for treatment for cancer, or recovering from cancer surgery or radiation.  It was a little bittersweet for me because I had to be in Philadelphia for a work meeting.  Although I hated being away from my family, I had fun with people I had trained with before, but I also met a new lovely woman who I know I will continue to stay in touch with.  For this meeting, my roomate was a beautiful girl who was almost 20 years younger than me.  It was great and interesting to get to know her as well as my new friend who is almost 20 years older than me.  I loved listening to their stories and perpectives on life, work , family, etc., and what led them to make the decision which led them here. 

For this birthday, like every birthday, I looked back at my life and everything I’ve been through and also looked ahead with apprehension.  I am comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and the path I’ve taken.  There are many things we cannot control, you know, “life is 10% of  what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it” (Stephen Covey). We all decide which path we take in each situation, whether it’s which peanut butter to buy, which doctor to choose, which job, etc…what most people don’t want to do many times is take ownership on those decisions.  Sometimes we  blame the situation or end product of our own decision if it is not what we thought or planned.  Looking back, I have made many decisions that I thought I may have regretted but I look at where I am today and I’m content and feel very blessed.  I would not have chosen to have cancer, but I did choose to fight it and believe in a  positive outcome. Let’s own up to the decisions we’ve made and change our perspective a little, there’s no going back.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown lipstick in Chocolate.  It’s actually a soft , creamy medium brown which on me has a hint of a plummy undertone (probably my lips).  It’s great for fall and not as dark as it sounds or looks.  I chose it because it was my birthday and I love Chocolate (as well as the color).

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